Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read!

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read!
Page 9 of 10«<678910>»
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
8/21/2009 23:11:54   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


I wish I could rhyme poignantly too...

I'm going to take some time and read though all your stuff soon. It's long overdue.

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 8/21/2009 23:12:32 >
DF  Post #: 201
9/15/2009 5:48:55   
Mistermafio
Member

It's been a while, a while since you posted that, and a while since I got on here and posted something myself.

I can only wish you the best of luck reading through all my poetry. I hope you find it enjoyable.

Anyway, a new poem is up.

Misjudgement
AQ  Post #: 202
9/21/2009 17:32:01   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem up, Nine to five horror show.

A very experimental piece, I'm interested what you people think of it.
AQ  Post #: 203
9/21/2009 18:05:11   
Mistermafio
Member

Another new one, though posted rather soon after the last, this one gets its own post. Mainly because it's something I really haven't done before, not like this anyway. Please, comment. I'm interested to hear your take on this.

sleep time
AQ  Post #: 204
9/22/2009 16:28:44   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Bashing* Comment on demand!

quote:

The only sound the slight buzzing of my computer,

I know what you're trying to say here, but to be technical, I think you need some form of punctuation between these words. A colon would be my choice.

quote:

and in the background the loud howling of the wind.

I'd put a comma after "background" but it's your choice.
I think you can do better than a bland "loud." I can't, but you can. =P ("harsh" can work for alliteration, "wild" can work... I dunno, but keep it short for the flow)

quote:

its dry buzzing alarming me that morning has broken

It's probably intentional, but it does sound a little redundant to say an alarm clock alarmed you. "telling" fits most, but it isn't very powerful. "informing" is a little... I dunno, but I wouldn't use "alarming"

quote:

and I am probably too late for school already.

Just like I was today, XD.

quote:

just as the room I'm in lies between light and dark.

I don't quite get what you're saying here. I'm guessing your point is, "just like the room I'm in right now, the golden road in the middle lies between light and dark" If so, I suggest a comma after "in" to separate the "just as the room I'm in" from the rest of the phrase. And maybe replace "just as" with "like" for it to be more clear.
If the above is /not/ what you mean, then think of your own rephrase 'cause you've lost me. =P

Haha, loved the ending! I like the clever semi-rhymes you slipped in, and you've done a good job portraying your subject matter. I can relate so well that... oh my gosh, are you reading my mind?! Anyhow, I really enjoyed the poem. A few points of diction and punctuation could've been handled better, but they're nothing to worry about.

*A note to anyone who may be reading this: it's an inside joke between MM and me. I wouldn't /dream/ of bashing him, seriously. Well, I might dream of it, but I also dream of getting chased off a cliff by wolves, so my dreams aren't any indication of my mental or physical state.
AQ  Post #: 205
9/22/2009 18:57:50   
KageArashi
Member

Deep and flowing,
your words roll.
Glimpses of life,
caught and pressed.
From words to paper,
it is stressed.
Of human nature,
you address.
Quite the verbal play,
which I await the response on the next day.

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi

_____________________________

Post #: 206
9/24/2009 5:05:55   
Mistermafio
Member

FF

I feel deeply hurt by you bashing me... Deeply :^P

I fixed most of the things you adressed, but I kept the wind howling loud because I feel it just fits best.
I changed the alarmclock to warning me, which might only be marginally better then alarming, but... You know... I like it? :^P

I rephrased the light and dark sentence for something that makes even less sense, and therefore makes more sense. I hope.

I'm really glad you liked it, and as a matter of fact, yes. I am reading your mind. Actually, that is where I get all my poetry from, I just steal what you think and say I wrote it... You hadn't noticed?

KageArashi

I do my best, I'm just glad people seem to like it ^>^
AQ  Post #: 207
11/8/2009 6:24:55   
Mistermafio
Member

A poem about you

Who could this poem be about,
I bet you wonder.
Well it’s about that guy,
over yonder.



Anyway, new poetry. It's been a while.

Spider lullaby
On my way
My beauty
AQ  Post #: 208
11/25/2009 17:15:48   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem, Forgotten
AQ  Post #: 209
11/28/2009 4:52:03   
Mistermafio
Member

Three new poems up for all those interested:

Lovestruck
What is wrong with me?
Against me

Haha, spaced like that they almost make a narrative of their own.
AQ  Post #: 210
11/28/2009 19:16:02   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas! =)

I read a few of your newer poems. Here are some very short comments; they are not much, but I hope you'll take them, anyways. :)

On my way
This one made me smile and feel rather warm. Very cute and optimistic. (jeez, what's wrong with me =P)

Forgotten

It's a touching poem, but left me a little baffled as I can't seem to be able to connect the young men in the start and the large number of other deaths to the one girl that was murdered. I guess I would have wished for some more clues about what is the relation between the girl and the 'I' in the poem.

What is wrong with me?
Heh, I love how the motive for the questioning is revealed in the end. I guess the 'I' in the poem has a list with a subject that begins with Z....=P

Against me
I like the relaxed rhyming in this one. Just one little nitpicky note:
quote:

Sometimes life is easy,
or at least, that is what I'm told.
Yet whenever I try to live like that,
disasters just unfold.

I'm not sure if that refers to anything as of now, since it has not been mentioned how he's exactly trying to live, only that life is easy on certain days. Would 'Yet whenever I try to live carefree' work any better?
Just a thought.

See you around!
DF  Post #: 211
12/2/2009 14:43:38   
Mistermafio
Member

Hey Fabula ^>^

I'll take any comment I can get, I'm just glad to see you around.

On my way

Well, I guess I should be glad then... Are you ok though? Not feeling too positive I hope :^P

Forgotten

Haha, the point is that there is no relation between the girl and the I. This poem is basically about someone telling someone else how easy it is to be forgotten. The young men in the beginning are a throwback to the individual forgetting about himself even while he still exists. While the girl and other deaths are, of course, forgotten. Or would have been if it wasn't for this man, I guess. But that's just how I see it.

What is wrong with me
#3001 : Zany, too
it's a professional list :^P

What is wrong with me

Good point, but if I made the sentence too long I'd crash the flow... Hmm, I'll have to think about that one.

Thank you so much for the great comments, I'm glad you enjoy these poems.
I'll see you around indeed.



And for the rest of you:
Don't hold me back
AQ  Post #: 212
12/21/2009 1:04:24   
Mistermafio
Member

An old poem I find, I'm not even really sure I posted it already... >.>

Wriggles in my mind
AQ  Post #: 213
1/19/2010 5:31:32   
Mistermafio
Member

The hall

*edit:
changed the last line of the poem to something that made a little more sense to me.
Changed the line as indicated in the very nice comment below

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 1/19/2010 10:30:25 >
AQ  Post #: 214
1/19/2010 10:27:29   
Shreder
Member

You were nice enough to drop by and share your thoughts on some of my stuff, I felt I might as well return the favor. Anyways on "the hall", I thought it was quite good. The theme is also very open to interpretation. Me, I saw a prison, insane asylum, maybe Death Row? (Shows you what a cheerful person I am doesn't it? :P ) Really not much to do in the way of corrections, but I have a couple suggestions you could think about.

quote:

Trace your fingers over their surface


Personally I feel: "And trace the surface with your fingertips." sounds better, plus then it rhymes with "lips" in the next line.

Normally I can find things I would change in even good poetry, but not so with this one. Sometime I'll have to find time to read through more of your stuff.

Edit: Oh the irony! I toyed with the idea of suggesting you change the last line to just that, but decided it was ok either way.

< Message edited by shreder110 -- 1/19/2010 10:45:19 >
DF MQ  Post #: 215
1/19/2010 10:33:49   
Mistermafio
Member

Haha, I see you and I have a similar taste when it comes to this poem. I was toying with that last line quite a while before I figured I'd at least post the poem.

I changed the line you suggested, though I felt it flowed a little better without the "and" at the beginning.

I'd be honored to have you read through more of my stuff. Honestly, most of it isn't that good, but there are a few in there I am more then proud of. I just hope the other poems don't scare you off. :^P
AQ  Post #: 216
1/19/2010 10:41:46   
Shreder
Member

I'll try to remember, but right now I'm going to bed. Night. (Or morning, depending on where you are )
DF MQ  Post #: 217
1/24/2010 10:03:49   
Mistermafio
Member

Haha, remembering was never my best quality either.

Neither was posting on time. ;^P

Glorious night

New poem, not my best work, but try to enjoy it.

~letters words sentence~

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 1/24/2010 10:18:55 >
AQ  Post #: 218
4/15/2010 7:49:16   
Mistermafio
Member

I'm back.

Well, for now at least.

Do you love me?

Next time, maybe, it won't be 3 months between two poems. But I can't guarantee a thing.
AQ  Post #: 219
4/15/2010 8:04:16   
Shreder
Member

I like it! Just one silly typo:

quote:


I have no need foor the feelings I don't feel inside


Last time I checked "for" does not have two "o"s.

Other than that, it's great.
DF MQ  Post #: 220
4/15/2010 8:39:17   
Mistermafio
Member

What typo? No such thing exists!

Thanks though :P
AQ  Post #: 221
6/1/2010 4:39:19   
Mistermafio
Member

Your conquest

Lets see if anyone still remembers me. I'd be surprised. :^P
AQ  Post #: 222
6/1/2010 9:16:47   
Shreder
Member

Surprise! :P

Anyways, read through your newest poem, and I thought it was really good. I didn't see any typos, nor did I see anywhere I think it could be changed. Good job!
DF MQ  Post #: 223
6/1/2010 9:40:41   
Mistermafio
Member

Well thank you. I was rather proud of that poem myself, so I'm glad you like it. I have another one written up somewhere, which I don't think I've posted here yet. I'll give it a look when I get home from work. I don't think that one turned out as well as this one, but I'm not the best judge when it comes to my own poetry.
AQ  Post #: 224
6/4/2010 22:20:03   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Forget you? Never! Heck, I've been away longer than you have, since I've had a... what? half-year absence? And you have the (strange) honour of being the second person to be commented on since I got back.

Reading the latest addition, and hoping you have the time to check out my suggestions. I'll get the corrections over with before we move on to the good stuff.

quote:

Fill my feeble little mind

This word is... pretty weak. And quite unnecessary with "feeble" there. I'd say take it out, but if you want this line to be of a similar length as the next, replace it with another word. The most descriptive possibility I can think of is "malleable", but that's three syllables, one more than "little." Your call.

quote:

why grass is black and water white.

Just reminding you that grass is not black and water is not white. =P They're green and clear, respectively. I think you're saying this incorrectly on purpose to represent how the second person is lying to the narrator, but because you say "why" instead of "that," it sounds like you're saying that the fact is right--it's just the explanation that is wrong. Unless you're purposefully making the narrator not know the truth despite what he/she is saying... making things more tragic. Hmm.

quote:

But how you can make me see.

This line is kinda awkward. Not sure exactly what you mean there.

quote:

And I will not complain,
I will comply.

Like the wordply. I think the comma should be a semicolon though.

quote:

Even though I know you lie.

Even though both make sense, "lie" doesn't seem to sound right in my head. It's correct here, but reminds me slightly of those sloppy ways of speech... I think "lied" would flow better.

quote:

And I slowly go insane,
and your wishes seem inane.
And I have nothing left to lose,
for you told me the whole truth.

While I accept tense shifting for the sake of style, this part was slightly awkward. Stuffing the whole thing with "will's" is probably a bad idea though. I think the last stanza will carry into this one perfectly if you just add a single "will" to the first line. Everything else works fine.

In conclusion, I loved this poem. It is wonderfully dark, but not in a blatant or mind-numbing way. You've captured a very odd state of mind and managed to make it believable, which I really admire. You've portrayed the states of obsession, willful blindness, twisted devotion... all qualities that I--as more of a writer than a poet--tend to stuff into my characters. And in an odd way, I can relate to this, not just through my characters but through myself, simply because I react in almost an opposite way than this narrator. Yes, I can still relate. Makes no sense, I know. =P But don't worry, I'm just saying it's a nice poem, and my comments are more like picky opinions than anything else. Hope you churn out some more poetry soon. ;)
AQ  Post #: 225
Page:   <<   < prev  6 7 8 [9] 10   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read!
Page 9 of 10«<678910>»
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition