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RE: Angel: The Beautiful Outcast [Comments]

 
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6/2/2010 22:07:44   
_Depression
Member

*working on Chapter 8* I can't finish anythiiiiing *cries* But I'll keep at it.
AQ  Post #: 51
6/28/2010 5:11:12   
mastin2
Member

Not to worry, _Dep. We all have those "can't finish anything" moments. (Know how long it took me to complete a single Novel? Well...from November 'til June, minimum. I could also argue that I started the novel when I wrote the short story, over a year ago, or that I've been trying to finish a novel since I started writing, what, four years ago? Something like that. So I got well-acquainted with those moments. I could teach you some of the tricks I used, if you want. ;))

(I had this comment thread open, but it was amongst the windows which crashed, so I had forgotten. Not for long!)

Anyway, as this is my last night on vacation, I want to make sure I finish this. I did a nice critique of Chapter six, so--presumably--I'm going to do Chapter Seven. ;)
(But, again, same warning as with Author's Fantasy: I'm a year out of regular practice, so I probably will not be up to par.)



(Oh, boy, I'm probably not going to find much...)
quote:

Grace followed Serenity through the trees silently, frowning and staring down at the ground quietly.
I think this would be more powerful without the 'and' and with an additional comma. You know,
"through the trees silently, frowning, staring down at the"
...But that's just me.

quote:

Bright's been flying all day, she can't possibly keep up with Serenity.
Ack, this is the only other thing I could find, and it's largely opinionated; I'd make the comma into a semicolon to slow the sentence down some more. As it is, it seems to flow a bit too quickly.

Sorry I couldn't do more to help. I gave my suggestion for where to head with the story over a year ago, and I don't think I can do any more. I mean, after a year, I suppose I could compliment you (probably again) on a few points. For starters, how the story packs a considerable punch and is very emotionally powerful--when the characters were crying, I almost did as well. Had to fight back the tears ('cause tears kinda get in the way of reading) with what I was seeing. The story has strong character descriptions--suiting, considering how every single character has a very unique personality and feel to them. They all feel real to me, as if I were right there, at the scene, watching.

Thanks for a good read, _Dep! :)

-Mastin.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/29/2010 8:10:05 >
Post #: 52
7/2/2010 2:14:24   
Isis
Member

*pats _Dep on the back*

There, there. We all have those "melting moments". You'll still have your loyal following waiting patiently for that next installment; no rush.
Post #: 53
7/7/2010 0:53:49   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


Market will probably be in your court for a while yet, _Dep. It's still roughly where it was last time.

Try setting your sights a little less when you go to write. Instead of thinking "I'm going to write Angel now," think "I'm going to write 6 paragraphs of Angel," or "one chapter of Angel," as it can be a lot less intimidating, more clear as a goal, and more attainable. Just a thought.
Post #: 54
7/7/2010 15:55:23   
_Depression
Member

At that rate, my goal should be "I'm going to write a line of Angel now". I got half a line done yesterday, and that was it.
AQ  Post #: 55
10/1/2010 14:11:17   
mastin2
Member

You have to start somewhere. ;)
(For me, pacing back and forth seems to work, with the story in mind. Think about the scene you want to write, and then try to describe the first actions in that scene. Then write it. Even if it's junk, "no, that came out wrong", "that's not what I meant", "no, the scene should go this way, not that way", write on from there, and (if using a computer) don't delete something unless you have something to replace it. )
Post #: 56
5/4/2011 18:03:10   
Sorceress555
Member

Oh, boy! THIS. IS. AMAZING!!! My only complaints are these:

One, looking at it from a child's viewpoint (how could I look at it from any other way, since I already AM a child?), this seems slightly crude at times. Maybe you could have the gunman person call that Angel, say, a 'witch' rather than a 'bi...'. I just think that since the Angels are so innocent you should have the cursing kept to a bare minimum to keep with that.

Two, I'm not sure what's going on here:
quote:

'They have money now,' he thought., his lips forming a shaky smile.


What's with the period right before a comma? Just a typo?

Three--no offense but it seems slightly dumbed down, somehow. Take the attitude that your readers are smart kids who'll know what you mean if you raise the comprehension level a bit. Also, I think you need some more expansion and details in the last two chapters.

Aside from that, your story looks ABSOLUTELY beautiful. It blends smoothly and takes an interesting new look at the world of Angels and Demons. Three thumbs up!

< Message edited by Sorceress555 -- 5/4/2011 18:05:23 >


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