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RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~My Angel

 
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11/9/2008 0:18:15   
Firefly
Lore-ian


After a long delay, I've finally come back. Here's how I suggest you split the stanzas in "Why?" These are purely my opinion. Feel free to disagree/not follow everything I said, though you considered stanzas so I did my best job at helping you split them, lol. Hope this comment is of use to you, Garnet!

quote:

As I sit and ponder all the things that life presents me, I wonder WHY those things are there.
No matter how good or bad, the different situations I find myself in always seem to shake me up.
How many times can a person's soul be tested?
It seems as if everyone and everything on this Earth was meant to crush the human spirit.
It's not just the human spirit that gets broken bit by bit, but every living thing is affected.
For example: We take a small puppy or kitten and raise it to bend to our wills.
We kill its natural instincts just because they are things we cannot accept in "our" world.

WHY is it that no matter what we have, it is never good enough?
We always want more.
It's so sad that the "gifts" each of us have are never appreciated.
Nothing is ever given the love or respect it deserves.

Who am I to judge?
I am no-one in a sea of no-ones.
We all have one thing on our minds-WHY?
It's such a universal question.
It's probably used more times per day than there are people to ask it.

Life has provided us with many questions, but no answers.
There is nothing a person can do to change anything.
Sometimes I wonder if that's the reason WHY things become so messed up.
Too many try to change things and only make them worse.
WHY can't we just embrace things as they are handed to us instead of trying to analyze every little aspect of them?

The world has gone insane and it is taking everything on it with it.
My head hurts and my heart cries tears of blood every day.
Yes, it is a morbid thought, but we live in a morbid world.
The death that surrounds us is ever searching for its next victim.

I write my inner-most thoughts and feelings because it makes them more real and thought-provoking to others.
There are so many things inside me that I have only scratched the surface.
Things that would cause others to mark me as "mad" or "insane".
But what is sanity?
Can there be anyone or anything out there that can be considered truly sane?

When I was small, the world was just my playground.
I pretended that I lived in a perfect place where all dreams came true and there was no such thing as monsters.
Now I am grown with a child of my own.
I tell him the same lies that my parents told me, and I am sure, that their parents told them.
I see such hope in his eyes and wonder if I ever had that look.

The innocence of a child is a most precious thing.
They are so brutally honest in all they say.
They see the world as it is with open eyes and hearts.
And we, as their parents, hear that same unanswerable question-WHY?
They all want to have the answers, but sometimes there are none to give.
What gives anyone the right to answer the unanswerable just because they "think" they are sure of the answer?
Some things are better off being left alone.

I'm not trying to preach or be judgemental.
I have no right to for I am not perfect and have made my share of mistakes.
We all have.

I sit and wonder if there are others that feel as I do.
Is there anyone out there that feels the pain of all the hurting lies?
The pain of being "different."
I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to ask it because I know they are out there.
They fear, like me, to voice their opinions and let themselves be heard.

If the world came to a screeching halt this very minute, the silence would be deafening.
Just to hear your own voice in that kind of silence can be comforting, yet, also maddening.
To be that alone and empty is just unthinkable.
But, there are ones out there that live with it every single day of their lives.

Again, I come back to that one word-WHY.
This is the one word in any language that can go on for infinity.
Because, even after you attempt an answer, someone always wants to know WHY that is.


EDIT: Yes! My page! Claimed for... stanzas! =P
No page-claiming. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 15:50:01 >


_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 101
11/17/2008 21:14:38   
garnetdragoness
Member

thanks bunches FF. will fix that up soon, I promise!
AQ  Post #: 102
11/29/2008 10:19:10   
garnetdragoness
Member

finally got that edited Firefly. been so busy lately. I know it's been a long time coming but will have something new to post soon. hope it will be worth the wait.
AQ  Post #: 103
11/29/2008 11:12:45   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Hello, Garnet!

I wanted to tell you that I absolutely love Why? Maybe because in part I can relate to it better than others on here when you get to the parenting part.

And Angel was sweet, but not overly lovey dovey. Perfect bablance if you ask me.

It's good to see ya again.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 104
11/30/2008 11:03:32   
garnetdragoness
Member

thanks you so very much, Eukara! so glad you enjoyed those. "Why?" was written a long time ago. found it in a drawer tucked inside a book. amazing what I find when I dig through stuff-lol. Firefly helped me modify some of the text and then break it out into stanzas. I know it doesnt rhyme or anything but I still consider it quite poetic. "My Angel" is the 2nd of a new rhyme scheme I have been playing around with. again, Firefly helped me by pointing out tense errors and I got that all fixed up as well. be on watch for something new soon!
AQ  Post #: 105
11/30/2008 12:03:40   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I'm on the watch for something new, Garnet. And the credit's all yours, lol. I just sit around and complain about random lines. =P

Yeah, go write something soon! I miss your work. They always make my day, especially after depressing RL or a depressing story/poem of my own. And yes, Why is very poetic. Freeverse is a perfectly valid form of poetry, and yours is very good. ;)
AQ  Post #: 106
12/8/2008 23:43:23   
garnetdragoness
Member

OMG!!! Finally at long last something new from me!!!
You're a Gift
AQ  Post #: 107
12/9/2008 0:11:17   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Very beautiful Garnet. You seem to be in an especially chipper mood as of late. Produces some lovely poems.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 108
12/9/2008 0:34:46   
Clyde
Legendary Artist!


Ugh why don't I comment here? After I read all of the your latest stuff too.

Anyways amazing work, keep doing what you're doing and don't change for anyone but yourself and keep it up Jewel Dragon or maybe Garney? No Garnet works. :P

I'll be stopping by more often. :)
Post #: 109
12/9/2008 7:43:56   
garnetdragoness
Member

@Eukara: thanks so much. guess my chipper mood comes from many things. cant put my finger on just one right now but yes, it helps me get the old creativity flowing.

@Clyde: yay! so good to see you stop by! thank you so very much for the compliments! yes, Garnet seems to work for everyone but I do kinda like your suggestion of "Jewel Dragon". sounds almost like royalty or something-lol. stop by as often as you like!

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 12/9/2008 7:44:40 >
AQ  Post #: 110
12/10/2008 0:36:32   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I swear I read this earlier, but I didn't have time to comment (had to write a book report). Plus, my computer was giving me trouble.

I'll do my best to transcribe my thoughts, which are all flow opinions.

quote:

I can't ever find a single flaw.

Imo, this line seems to have two extra syllables of flow. I suggest you either take out "ever" /or/ you take out "single."

quote:

In your light I will ever bask.

"always" probably makes more sense here.

quote:

For one like you there is no scale.

Imo, too long. I think "For you, there is no scale" works better. (Yeah, with the comma =P)

quote:

In my eyes you can do no wrong.

Imo, this sounds a bit... unsure? I think it's the "in my eyes" thing. If it's your perception, you don't have to admit it's just your perception, lol. How about "I know you can do no wrong"?

quote:

Your will is beyond any to compare.

Probably flows better without. Those words aren't too necessary.

quote:

I've learned how much one can share.

Once again, random flow complaint, lol.

I loved it. The emotions are brilliant and the ending was the classic "Wham!" you can write. I gotta go now, so I can't say much, but I loved how you made everything flow together seamlessly. Take my edits with a grain of salt; I'm going with what I can remember and I'm extremely rushed, so if there's something you don't agree with, please ignore me.
AQ  Post #: 111
12/10/2008 7:38:36   
garnetdragoness
Member

as always, you keep me on my toes Firefly! fixed all you pointed out. this "Jewel Dragon" of lore always takes your suggestions to heart and never with a grain of salt. I hope to have another up very soon.
AQ  Post #: 112
12/11/2008 23:22:42   
Alixander Fey
Member

garnetgarnetgarnet!!! Moar DRAGONS poems[/me drools]

You've gotten better and better during my absence! I'll try to catch up on all of them soon!
DF  Post #: 113
12/12/2008 7:41:41   
garnetdragoness
Member

Alix, my friend! so good to see you! have tons for you to catch up on-lol. check out "On Dragon's Wings", "For Love of Dragons" and "Death of a Dynasty"

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 12/12/2008 7:44:45 >
AQ  Post #: 114
12/12/2008 16:44:06   
pollme
Member

You're back! Another beautiful poem. I wish I was as good as you. You are amazing! Simply amazing.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 115
12/15/2008 6:25:17   
garnetdragoness
Member

awww. Thank you for that lovely comment Pollme. I so appreciate it. And dont worry, I never left. Just have been quite busy lately so havent been putting the poems out as quickly as I would like, but rest assured...there WILL be more!
AQ  Post #: 116
12/25/2008 10:06:05   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! 'Tis the Season Happy Holidays everyone!
AQ  Post #: 117
12/25/2008 17:15:49   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Beautiful, Garnet. You made my chilled hands and feet (that's what I get for reading outside in the snow for over an hour) feel quite a bit warmer. ;) Merry Christmas to you too.
AQ  Post #: 118
12/26/2008 6:43:39   
garnetdragoness
Member

thanks Firefly! I just popped that one off the top of my head yesterday morning. felt appropriate for the day. glad you liked it and you didnt even find a typo! woo-hoo!
AQ  Post #: 119
1/15/2009 16:57:30   
pollme
Member

I just read some more poems and loved them as usual!

I never have read any poem as good as,(needless to say) my favorite still, Love Undying. I try to read every other time I come on, so just wanted to say that I'm addicted and you are a truly amazing.

While reading The Vampire's Quest i noticed a typo, very sad, I finished reading it and without thought I said to myself, "That's Sad!" Anyway,
quote:

He was once a mortal, just as she,
but fate had changed his destiny.
A vampire made him one of the udead,
giving him a hunger that had to be fed.


udead should be undead. Well anyway, glad to help! Write more I'm about halfway done through all of them, so give me more! Please.

< Message edited by pollme -- 1/15/2009 18:01:57 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 120
1/15/2009 22:08:46   
garnetdragoness
Member

thank you so very much! I aim to please. and thank you for catching that typo, surprised Firefly didnt get me on that one-lol. she usually finds all my typos. hee hee. "Love Undying" is sad but yet pulls you into the girl's emotion. loved writing that one. and yes, "The Vampire's Quest" is quite sad as well. thank goodness there are happier ones as well to cheer you up. I recommend "Unicorn on my Shelf" or "On Dragon's Wings" to do just that. presently I am working on a new dragon poem as requested by my friend Alix. hopefully will have it done and posted soon.
AQ  Post #: 121
1/17/2009 22:36:15   
pollme
Member

Almost done! I finished Death of a Dynasty and noticed this typo,
quote:

The saw them as too strong, a threat to all.
With massive bodies and standing so tall.
Razor sharp claws,
and powerful jaws.
Their beautiful dynasty was starting to fall.

I'm guessing that should be They.
Wow Excited! Almost done!

EDIT: I'm done! Only took 2 or 3 days to read I'll of the poems! Keeps me busy!Now I'll be waiting and rereading my favorites! Hope you can finish your next poem soon!(But that isn't always easy, I'm working on one I started righting over a year ago.)

< Message edited by pollme -- 1/17/2009 23:47:29 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 122
1/18/2009 9:31:57   
garnetdragoness
Member

thank you again! all fixed. stupid typos get me every time.....grrrrr. still working on the new one but dont worry, it wont take me too much longer.
AQ  Post #: 123
1/25/2009 20:27:57   
garnetdragoness
Member

Omg!!! I won...... I actually won Poet of the Month! I am so deeply honored I am beyond the words to express my gratitude for everyone's support, assistance & guidance, wonderful comments and continued visits to the pages of my mind.
AQ  Post #: 124
1/26/2009 12:47:38   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Congratz again! Btw, any ideas of what you'll put in the Spotlight? Hehe, you have so many poems that it /might/ be a hard choice. =P

I hope this win inspires you to put out some new material. ;)
AQ  Post #: 125
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