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6/27/2008 17:05:41   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

First off, here's the link to the actual story: Heroes And Villains: An AQ Fanfiction

The story was inspired by... Well, AQ. It's just a different take on how I think of AQ, which will be reflected as the story continues. It is about the story of James (tentative name), an up-and-rising paladin in the order, basically. It also involves a lot more, but I'll leave you to read that on your own.

< Message edited by RATIONALPARANOIA -- 7/8/2008 15:17:57 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/27/2008 17:37:31   
Clyde
Legendary Artist!


Well I certainly liked it Rational. Oddly enough to me it didn't strike me as a Fanfic though so I don't know it that's a good or a bad thing or not.

I liked the actions and you described everything well enough for my to imagine it as a Comic book-like thing. Keep up the good work Rational. :P
Post #: 2
6/27/2008 18:23:55   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Oh, my first Rational story. This should be so much fun. Especially since I have been waiting...

quote:

The mage bent over, grabbing a part of the soil.
I would say that he grabbed a handful of soil. Grabbing a part of it sounds awkward...and brings a rather strange picture to my head.

quote:

Mr. Tucker stood in front of the mage, nothing more than a lowly smith, his face still stained with ash from his fire. His eyes burned with rage, and behind him stood most of the village's men.
Great imagery and set up.

quote:

Or, on the other hand, you can be like this dirt beneath you- small, insignificant, dead... and most of all, easily separated. There is no afterlife, I'm sorry to tell you... You die, and your love dies with you. You don't get a second chance. You live out your pointless, miserable life as a peasant... then you die.
Man, this is such a bleak and dismal description. And I love the way "you" is repeated so much here. Normally, it isn't encouraged, but the man is putting so much emphasis on the people he is talking to that "you" is necessary.

quote:

"What are you doing, mage? I told you to leave!" Tucker shouted these words

quote:

Doing anything to try and make sure they'd see the sun rise tomorrow.
This sentence is awkward. More because it feels incomplete.

quote:

Grabbing his head, the man threw into one of the houses where the people were hiding.
I believe you are missing a word or two.

quote:

That someone was a woman. She was intelligent, beautiful, strong, graceful... As close to perfection as a woman could get. She had blue eyes that saw to the depth of your soul, and long blond hair, as smooth and fluid as honey, yet as beautiful and precious as gold.
(space)
And there she was, inside one of the houses, laying in a bed by the window.


One of my complaints here, which is probably more stylistic than anything, it the abundant use of (-). I feel it is used too much, but I also know about little things that are author specific too.

I love your writing. I will finish this tonight.

Continued!

quote:

And there she was, inside one of the houses, lying in a bed by the window.


quote:

The long sword wielder rolled away from the blade, losing grip on his sword and crashing into a wall of the house in the process.
Unless the man has fallen on to the floor, I don't think he would be rolling out of the way.

quote:

Underneath him, markings of symbols and a giant circle surrounding the town appeared, glowing red as well.
This sentence is a bit awkward. The "as well" at the end doesn't sit well with me. I personally think you need to separate out the markings beneath the mage and the appearance of the circle as two separate occasions.

quote:

Their bodies were being torn apart, and their very souls were being ripped from their body, being gathered in the center of the town.
THe bolded part, in my opinion should be a sentence unto its own. Otherwise, this sentence is too much.

quote:

It was a bright blue ball of magical and spiritual energy, both alive and dead, both real and unreal. Various faces showed in the ball, screaming for release, screaming for help.
(space)
Well, they tried to, at least... No sounds escaped from the ball, asides from its gentle hum as it grew larger and larger.


quote:

It was a bright blue ball of magical and spiritual energy,
Even with the previous paragraph, the beginning of this sentence is too ambiguous for my tastes.

quote:

Now, all he had to do was combine this energy with the targets- He sent it out, to look for the special marks.
This may probably only be me, but using "now" doesn't sound right. Is there any other way you could write this sentence?

quote:

But now- How did you survive that spell?" As he asked this, the man pulled out his two swords.
Haha, this is me being picky. Vary the way you say that he gets his weapons. Unsheathed is always a good term to use.

quote:

As the brown haired man collapsed on the floor, dead, the other man turned around, bowing his head, not saying anything, trying to get rid of the monstrous anger that had gripped him.
THis sentence is way too long. Break it up to add more impact.

quote:

For a moment, she closed her eyes, and tried to think about what it would have been like if the men hadn't come. She saw the babies as toddlers, as kids, as teenagers, as young adults, as man and woman. Saw herself guiding them, saw her son coming back with some beautiful woman, saw her daughter getting swept off her feet by some strong, handsome suitor. Saw her husband laughing, sharing stories with his son. Saw her teaching her daughter how to knit, telling her daughter that her mother had taught her how to knit, and her mother's mother had taught her how to knit, and so on.
Though earlier I liked the repetition of "you," in this case I don't like the repetition of "saw". It seems to be slightly overbearing.

quote:

And then the blade whistled through the air again, piercing her through the throat.
You use the term piercing a lot. Try to vary it up. Sliced, ripped...

quote:

She felt the mage grabbing her children, and picking them up.
Why is the mage picking up the children? She isn't on the ground yet.

quote:

trying to draw strength from him. Trying to move on and protect her children,
Repetition of "trying to" needs to be fixed.

quote:

"I didn't want them getting connected to anyone but me- Especially not their mother, knowing how she'd feel towards us." the man said, wiping the blood off his sword. "Now check on the children, and make sure they're fine."

The mage looked down, and saw something that scared him- the boy and girl were glaring up at him. They weren't crying, as he would have expected- they were angry.
You said previously that the mage picked up the children. So now it seems that they are on the ground. Then later you say that the mage drops them. I could not tell that they were still in his hands here.

quote:

The mage was interrupted by something shooting up from the boy. It hit him in the eye, and he felt blood began to pour down his face. In his surprise and shock, he dropped the boy and girl.
(space)
"Damn it all!" he shouted, clutching his eye in his pain and confusion. "Help me, get me something, he hit me in the eye, it hurts, it--"


quote:

"You..." The man almost jumped into there, turning around to look
I think a word may be wrong there.

quote:

He saw the woman, struggling to speak. But she shouldn't be struggling, he thought, she should be dead!


Now I am done!

Thanks for such a great chapter!

Eukara

< Message edited by Eukara -- 6/27/2008 21:21:43 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
7/5/2008 14:35:32   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Alright- Thanks for the feedback, guys. Especially the critique, Eukara (just want to take this moment to say that anybody who wants to give me critique, feel free. In fact, I encourage it. Don't worry about pointing out the writing's flaws- I don't take it personally.) I edited the first chapter, and don´t worry, the second chapter's coming soon... It would have been up much sooner, but I´m in Spain at the moment, and have very limited internet access. I´ll be back in about a week, and I'll be much more able to write and edit then. :P

< Message edited by RATIONALPARANOIA -- 7/5/2008 14:37:24 >
AQ  Post #: 4
7/5/2008 17:13:16   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


I believe that is my cue.

1:
quote:


"The deal's over. What you intend to do… it’s monstrous! We could turn a blind eye to your 'experiments' as long as you protected us, but you should have known we wouldn’t let you do this- we’re not your playthings. We're human, just like you."

When a deal is over, in my view, it has been completed. All those involved in it have done their part. However, when one refuses to participate in a deal agreed upon earlier, it is off. Therefore, I belive 'the deal's over' should be 'the deal's off'

2:
quote:

And all of you can become greater than even me- At

No capital for 'at' here.

3:
quote:


" The mage smiled, two lights beginning to swirl around him. One was blue, the other red- they were part of his way of focusing. The red light circled around his head, and the blue light made rotations around his chest.

I agree with Alix. This is pretty cool.

4:
quote:

There is no afterlife, I'm sorry to tell you...

Concider turning around;
I'm sorry to tell you, but there is no afterlife...
Works better IMO.

5:
quote:

They were thinking about what he had told him,

he had told them

6:
quote:


"And after this... There will be no struggle. No more rumors. No one fighting you, no one bullying you. No arguments, no negativity, no disease, no aging, no thirst, no hunger... nothing but pleasure, satisfaction, and happiness. All of your fantasies will be realized.

You need to close these quotation marks.

7:
quote:


The mage's eyes glowed, and something appeared behind them..

Remove a single dot at the end or add one. Seeing how you use "..." so much, I'd prefer removing one.

8:
quote:


Tucker looked at the mage in the eyes, and stepped forward, pulling out a knife.

remove "at:

9:
quote:

Do, and we will let you live.

Do so, and

10:
quote:

He was finally taking control; they could defeat the mage, push him into the water. Him and his family, they could forget about this

Turn the last 'him' into 'he'. If not, it sounds like you mean the mage and his family, and pushing them all into the water. Would be even more clear if you used 'Tucker' istead of 'his'/'he'.

11:
quote:

Forget that they ever let him use their town to do... whatever it was he did to humans, and just be happy.

To humans? Meaning Tucker himself is not a human? The towns smith said earlier that they were humans, so the word is inapropriate here.

12:
quote:

. The smile was perfect- It not only made him look very happy

Again, no capital after hyphen.

13:
quote:


"No! We were so close... We were about to succeed! We were going to have a normal and good life. And you had to come and screw this all up!" Tucker just stood there, screaming at the man in armor.

Why exactly does Tucker blame him?
Reading on, I just realized he was a 'bad-guy'. Kinda vague how you express that, though. He seems a member of the community...

14:
spoiler:


"We tried to talk to you, Mr. Tucker. We tried to convince you to follow our path. But since you decided that you might just act like the hero of the day, it ends like this instead. For what I am doing now, you have no one to blame but yourself. You made this necessary." The man pulled the sword out of Tucker´s stomach, and Tucker fell to his knees. He was ready to collapse and rest, but a hand grabbed his chin. It forced him to look up into the face of his attacker, who had a smirk upon his face.

Why go through the trouble when a powerful magician is about to kill everyone with a powerfull strike...

15:
quote:

And as long as they thought there was a psycho outside of their homes waiting to kill them, they'd stay where they were.

The opening "and" is renundant.

16:
quote:

And that would give time for the mage to complete his spell, and for him to find… a certain someone.

Concider removing opening 'and' and turning 'that' into 'this.
I know you liked the and-repetition here, but, to be honest, I didn't. At all. It doesn't work.

17:
quote:

He remembered her well enough… She had been beautiful. Long blond hair, and bright blue eyes. She always had a smile on her face, and she giggled almost as much as he talked. They had met before… But that was another time, and another age, and he pushed it out of his head. He did not need distractions.

All this 'he'-talk is getting complicated, with three important male characters. Call them by their specific features. Just do it once and then he is okay, as long as you don't overuse it anyway.

18:
quote:

He just stood there for awhile, watching her.

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/awhile.html :
quote:

When “awhile” is spelled as a single word, it is an adverb meaning “for a time” (“stay awhile”); but when “while” is the object of a prepositional phrase, like “Lend me your monkey wrench for a while” the “while” must be separated from the “a.” (But if the preposition “for” were lacking in this sentence, “awhile” could be used in this way: “Lend me your monkey wrench awhile.”)

So: a while.

19:
quote:

And she opened her eyes.

Again, I feel the "and" adds nothing.

20:
quote:

His two swords were on his back now, but his free hand rested on the handle of one, making sure he was reading for any sudden intrusion.

The 'but' suggests you've just recently explained the location of the other hand, which you haven't...

It's been a hard day's work for me, so I'm closing up business. You can wait for me to finish or use them now, I don't really care...
I'll be gone for a good part of tomorrow, but I promise to at least continue to some extend the day after tomorrow.
I have a bunch of stuff to say about style as well, but I'll wait until the end, so I have a full concept of it.



More. MORE? MORE! YAY!

21:
quote:

The voice came from behind the man by the bed, and he turned to look at its owner.

'And' may not be the right word here. 'So' perhaps?

22:
quote:

He held a long sword in his hand, its blade pointed at the man by the bed.

Either make that comma a dot or change pointed into pointing. Preferably the first.

23:
quote:

There was no middle ground to be met, no minor victories to won.

'won' should be 'win'.

24:
quote:

It was clear that they were not evenly matched: both were excellent swordsman, but the man who had been by the bed was beyond human, and possessing an unnatural skill.

I believe that colon oughta be a semi-colon.

25:
quote:

He pulled his second blade from his back, and thrust it at the man with the long sword. The long sword wielder rolled away from the blade,

There's an unecesary repetition of long sword. I suggest making the first some more creative description and the second longsword, the word used for a specific kind of sword.

26:
quote:

The long sword wielder rolled away from the blade, losing grip on his sword and crashing into a wall of the house in the process.

Regardless of your choice on point 25, change this 'sword' to something else.

27:
quote:


Now, it must be said that sometimes, fortune takes the most unfortunate turns.

Very odd choice to take this narrator-style on all of a sudden halfway through the prologue.


Gonna go get some dinner. Even more soon. Promise.


28:
quote:


For, as revealed when the wood panel slid out of place, the man had exposed the hiding place by pure chance.

I kinda dislike the paragraph as a whole, but this sentence is another one of em that sticks out. And there's something clear cut wrong I can say about it, so that helps;
This sentence means:
The wood panel sliding out of place revealed that the man had exposed the hiding place.
Surely not intended. Here's a possible alternative:
For, as the wood panel slid out of place, the man had exposed the hiding place by pure chance.
Also:
In that case, I think the comma can go.
I'm pretty sure 'wood' should be 'wooden' here.
And: So the children never made a sound?

29: Quoteless: Watch out with the word 'the man'. It is annoying whenever overused, but in the case of two males it is confusing as well.

30:
quote:

The mage, still standing in the same area he had always been, began to glow a bright red color, and float into the air.

Always? Really? Since the dawn of time? Perhaps something like: he had been since ...


31:
quote:

They were important, and he would not lose them over something so trifle as a piece of falling wood.

A falling piece of wood? What a rediculously random imagery to draw, if I may say so.
Well, its not so much the imagery, its how you draw it. I think this would make it sound more hypothetical:
They were important, and he would not lose them. Not even if a tree would crash down on them.

32:
quote:

The mage begin, before the brown haired man interrupted him.

began

33:
quote:


"Why? Why did you have to do this?”

I think it'd be stronger without the 'have to'.

34:
quote:

simply fell in love with this woman, one of the most beautiful and genius philosophers in the world of Lore? No."

As the woman is not present, concider removing 'this woman,'
Also, concider turning the simple 'no' into a 'of course not'

35:
quote:

It must have been a side-effect of the magic- In less than a minute, they had aged from one month to around three years old.

How about a dot instead of a hyphen there.

36:
quote:

feel the need for their parent that all children have. "Daddy?"

parent=parents?

Break!

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/8/2008 13:01:52 >
AQ  Post #: 5
7/8/2008 15:22:24   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Alright, thanks for the comments, Gwoon. I've addressed most of them, and told you on IRC about the ones that I didn't use.
AQ  Post #: 6
7/8/2008 15:56:57   
Firefly
Lore-ian


'kay, I've finished reading and am giving a overall analysis here.

What I'm seeing is a really attention-grabbing prologue. You've got an ending that'll suck the average reader in. You give away just enough info that people want to read on, and the infodump is very minimal.

In terms of grammar, remember that things after dashes and semi-colons aren't capitalized. You also wrote in second person a lot (you) which lowered the seriousness and professionalism in the story. Few published works have second person unless it is written in first person (does that make sense?) so that the informality is intentional. Since you write in third person and have a generally serious narrative voice, I suggest you /don't/ use second person at all in narration.

The biggest problem I see here isn't the grammar or the attention grabbing. You've got most of that covered. It's the description. I had to stumble through the parts because you didn't /describe/ to me where the characters were. The setting description was very minimal, too minimal. I had no idea about the outside world. The description will set up the mood and tone of the story. It gives an ominous feeling, a happy feeling, ect, ect. The only atmosphere and mood feeling I'm currently getting is a I'm-confused-where-the-heck-is-this-happening feeling. I don't want just a few snippets of where the log was when it shows up. I want you to tell me everything.

Now, that leads to my next point. Your character description was much better than the setting description. You certainly had much more of it. But I saw quite a few instances of "*click Stop* She had blond hair and blue eyes. *click Play* She leapt forward." It wasn't that bad, of course, but do you get what I'm saying? You could instead say "Her blond braids sailed behind her as she sprang forwards, blue eyes flashing in the midday sun." Just an example of how to integrate the descriptions into the actions so that pacing isn't slowed.

Talking about pacing... I suggest you tone down the monologuing in the beginning. Real people interrupt each other, question things, ect, ect. They don't go talking on for an entire paragraph, at least not in a fast-paced scene like this. Too much one person only dialogue may end up sounding like infodump. You're not quite there, but you're a bit close, so I'd watch out if I were you. =P And to elaborate more on the dialogue, you don't necessarily have to have a lot of interruptions and stuff. You can add more actions between the talking, not just before and after it. He can say this while looking into the distance. She can say that while shuffling around the hut. A good way to describe more of the setting as well.

So, that's basically what I have to say. Nice work at catching my attention. Definitely looking forward to more. Just describe more, especially through actions, and integrate actions into dialogue a bit more to sound more human and less info-machiney.
AQ  Post #: 7
7/9/2008 8:30:22   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Thank you for the comments, Firefly: Gwoon said the same thing about the capitalization after dashes and hyphens, so I worked on that. I'm also going to try and take away the 'you's- your're right about that. It just doesn't fit in here.

And about the description, dead on again. I got the feeling that something was wrong there, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Thanks for the advice about mixing the description and the action, too.

Note: Haven't added these edits yet (for description and action, as well as removing the second person), but I will when I have a little more computer time. Also, I'm working hard on Chapter 1 right now- it'll be up soon, don't worry. Just making sure that I go through it harder than I went through the prologue, and put a little more polish on it. :P
AQ  Post #: 8
7/12/2008 9:48:28   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Okay, after the break there was some other stuff to do and all, but now I'm all back. And I'm going through it all now. No more breaks. I hope.

37:
quote:

They were close to crying, she saw, and even with everything else going on around her, her maternal instinct of trying to protect and comfort them dictated her actions.

I think the term 'maternal instincs' is quite clearly (especially in this situation) that to protect the children. So I feel 'of trying...comfort them' can go.

38:
quote:

"Everything's going to be alright, Mommy promises. Everything's going to be just fine."

Why capital M? She's not called Mommy, right?

39:
quote:


For a moment, she closed her eyes, and tried to think about what it would have been like if the men hadn't come.

That first comma is not really necesary or even useful, is it? In fact, it obstructs the flow.

40:
spoiler:


For a moment, she closed her eyes, and tried to think about what it would have been like if the men hadn't come. The babies were toddlers, they were kids, they were teenagers, they were men and women. She saw her son coming back with some beautiful woman, and her daughter being swept off her feet by some strong, handsome suitor. She listened to her husband laughing, sharing stories with his son by their house fire. She felt fabric running through her hands, as she taught her daughter to knit, and told her of the family tradition of passing down knitting from mother to daughter.

Between the first and second sentence the transition from real world to imagination went kinda rough. To make it more smooth, I suggest italics for all of this except the first sentence.

41:
quote:

She listened to her husband laughing, sharing stories with his son by their house fire.

house fire sounds kinda weird. Bonfire would work...

42:
quote:


And then the blade whistled through the air again, slitting her throat in one swift motion.

Sounds better without the first two words, IMO.

43:
quote:

She felt the mage grabbing her children, pulling them away. She fell next to her husband, the two of them together looking like a cruel imitation of lovers.
"Why did you do that?" the mage asked. He’d seen his partner do many things, but few things had ever been that cruel and senseless.

Quick repetition of 'cruel' there. Perhaps you could turn the first into 'grim', or something similar.

44:
quote:

They looked much older and wiser. Like their parents. You´re frightened because their parents are in them… And so is their parent’s hatred.

a: You may want to de-italisize 'Like their parents.'
b: There's three 'parents' in three sentences. Bit much, no?

45:
quote:

"Help me, get me something, he hit me in the eye, it hurts, it--"

Since you have him interupted, you don't get to use an exclaimation mark. To express exclaimation anyway, I suggest you replace the first comma with an exclaimation mark, and keep the rest like this to keep the stressful speech.

46:
quote:

The eye (and the nose) could be healed, but for right now, he was not in the mood to deal with that.

Not a big fan of brackets anyway, but here they also seem very unnecesary and lacking value. In stead, I suggest:
The eye, as well as the nose, could be

47:
quote:


She was dead, he realized.

Italics on the 'was' only.

Done!

I was going to give you my thoughts on the story, but FF covered most of it, and then some more.

All I have to add is reread what you write. Pretend to be a regular reader, not yourself with all the knowledge of what you mean. Try and objectively think: 'Is this absolutely clear? Can the reader understand what is happening, why it is happening, and who is involved? And if they can't, is this lack of understanding intentional?'
If the answer to all of these is no, try to be more specific.

I agree with FF; it's a good attention-grabber. I will be back for more, and you'd better supply!
AQ  Post #: 9
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