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RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: Haiku's!

 
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10/19/2008 11:04:46   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Fab? Who's Fab?
<_<... >_>

You're welcome, etc.=P

It's maybe a language thing, I heard in my mind that quiet(1)ly(2) would only have two syllables, but yes, you're right. English syllables never cease to confuse me...

I still hear "Scat(1)te(2)red(3) through(4)out(5) my(6) own(7) house(8)," though, but that might be a language thing too?
As I said, a minor technicality...=P


DF  Post #: 51
10/27/2008 15:58:40   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: four new 'returning' Haiku's, and a new song!

[Note to self: write less depressing stuff. I promise the next one(s) will be lighter! :) ]


Yeah, I know, languages suck :P Sometimes I wonder why we don't just all speak the same language: it would save me lots of boring hours of being at school >_>




New one up: The Sound of Music. Pun intended.

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 10/27/2008 22:58:18 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 52
11/4/2008 2:06:05   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: Ascend.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 53
11/7/2008 7:49:24   
Lady Eliac
Member

Sacireligious peanuts and fish paste.

Your propechy (I've spelled that wrong, mock at will ladies and gents) poem was particuarly amazing. :DD My favourite verse is the one about the sun and the breeze--the opening one, I believe. Well done. Your spacing and word choices match well, making everything flow. I'm definetly growing fond of your work. Shimmer is very cool too. Your use of one word repeatedly--while making it different each time in it's use--was a very clever idea.

Good sun and swift water!

< Message edited by Lady Eliac -- 11/7/2008 7:51:27 >
AQ  Post #: 54
11/7/2008 9:48:20   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Thanks! Glad to see someone reading my work these days ^_^
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 55
11/12/2008 12:41:18   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

Commenting now on the returning part of your haikus.

First one.
I quite liked this one. May I ask, though, what's with the 'I'd come' on the first line? Why not 'I came'? It would sound a bit more straightforward and therfore also stronger without the 'd, imho.

Second one.
This is my favourite of these four. Could be interpreted not only as a love poem, but also as a 'partnership' poem, e.g. master and apprentice. *me imagines student arriving at the grave of her sensei*

Third one.
Since one has such a limited number of syllables to use in haikus, it's pretty important to make the most of them, imo. When writing these in English, one is occasionally forced to waste a few percious syllables on insignificant stuff, like articles... =P On the other hand, if all the powerful verbs and strong imagery is in there, then those little words are there to fill their duty -- read: fill the syllable count.

The thing with this third haiku is that it runs a bit short on the impact and imagery because of the relatively weak verbs 'see' and 'is.' So, my suggestion would be to change 'see' on the first line to something else by rewording, like:

'Now the truth unveils'

If you'll choose to, you could enhance the impact also by changing the 'quite difficult' from the other line to something more vivid, eg:
'Life bares as a mere ordeal'

The last line is good as it is, imo.

Fourth one.
Firefly recently commented on a sentence in my prose, correctly stating that 'returned' makes the word 'back' unneccessary. Especially in this poem, since you have it also on the last line, I would recommend you to find a way ditch it from the beginning. A simplest way would possibly be to change 'returned' to 'arrived'

Imo, 'being gone' can also be a bit weak expression for the emotion looming behind this line. So, my suggestion would be:
'After these years of absence'
Whether one thinks 'absence' any stronger than 'being gone' is of course, solely a personal opinion =P


On the whole, I think you had more imagery embedded into the first set, the Leaving part, with words as 'swirl', 'autumn', 'scattered throughout'
I know that when professionals translate haikus from original Japanese, they sometimes ignore the syllable count rules for the sake of better impact and to preserve the philosophical thought intact. However, since we write our stuff in this forum directly in English, I think we should do our best to obey that rule. But I'm sorta encouraging you to move your focus a bit from that to putting more weigth on the words with this opinionated advice of mine:

Don't count the syllables of the words but make every word count.

The Leaving set already showed that you are perfectly capable of powerful imagery within the haiku-format. =)

< Message edited by fabula -- 11/12/2008 12:43:10 >
DF  Post #: 56
11/14/2008 13:31:08   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Yay, fab has commented on my stuff again :D
I've taken your critique into account, and changed it accordingly.

PS. the "I'd come" was probably a result of me writing poetry at 11 pm :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 57
11/21/2008 14:29:49   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: Battles Lost.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 58
11/24/2008 19:01:09   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


Well, being the fool that I am, it only just occurred to me, "Hey, it's polite to read someone else's stuff when they read yours!" So!

First things first: I really like all of your poetry!
Second things second (where else would they be, pray tell?): My favorites were probably your last few. Darkness Unleashed was very good. The imagery was striking, it really gave me a mental image of the narrator. If I am interpreting it correctly (and I would not be surprised in the least if I was not), it seems to be about a person who, no matter how hard they try to avoid doing so, wreaks havoc on the world and those around them. If so, then I like it even more; that is a feeling which I believe all of us- myself especially- often have to endure, if not perhaps to the degree described in the song.

Ascend, as well, was a beautiful poem. It rather reminds me of the sonnets and poems that I have been reading in Don Quixote de la Mancha; the tale of a scorned lover. In particular, the scene of his feelings both in shadows and sunshine was striking to me.

Finally, Battles Lost is my favorite of them. As with your others, the imagery was quite striking, the descriptive language was excellent. The last stanza stood out the most to me, it too was excellent. Unfortunately, I don't have much else to say. One quick thing I noticed, though:
quote:

I lay dead, on the ground
All emotion gone.
In the end, we all have fallen,
The enemy has won.


You might want to change this to either: "I lay dead, on the ground, / All emotion gone. ..." or "I lay dead on the ground, / All emotion gone. ..."


< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/25/2008 12:16:17 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 59
11/25/2008 15:54:04   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Yay, thanks for the comments :D
I totally agree with the comma thingy in battles lost, am fixing it now.
I'm really glad you liked them that much, really made my day :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 60
12/28/2008 18:04:35   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: Cycle. Not the best I've ever written, but I guess it's okay.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 61
1/4/2009 16:20:06   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Yayz, update :3
A little morning stroll: a peaceful little poem written to a relaxing peace of jazz... just for the heck of it :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 62
1/10/2009 9:02:23   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: a collab poem with Ana_Maria! :D
I think it turned out nicely :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 63
2/9/2009 16:22:20   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Rawr. 2 new poems, because I was feeling emo because of the valentine's day thread in the ooc :P
"Bittersweet loving" and the long-promised "battles won".
CC pl0x? *pouts*
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 64
2/11/2009 2:22:34   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

Read the two new ones.

About Bittersweet Loving:

Hmm. I like what you have done with the latter half of the poem.
quote:

For I'm the one bleeding.

This ending reminds me of one Nick Cave song I think I quoted in the favourite lyrics thread: "But it ain't you who has to cry cry cry". I keep wondering though, if it would sound better with "For I am the one bleeding". This is only my opinion, but it's just that starting a sentence/line with 'For' sorta sets the tone to a bit formal one, so it's would look consistent then to write the 'am' out without contractions. Lol, but that's possibly just me and might wreck the flow...=P

The one thing that slightly troubled me was here:
quote:

I bleed from a place
One cannot see;

Deep inside my chest;
My heart is leaking.

Again only my opinion, but because you said one cannot see the place, I think it would actually be nicer if you didn't directly tell us which place you are referring to. Maybe there would be a possibility to refer to the heart without naming it? Just a thought.

After all this bashing (sorry) I have to say that I quite liked that short piece. Maybe getting emo isn't that bad. =P

About Battles Won

Nice flow, and I personally like this theme, so I'm biased to like it even more. =P Just a thought: if you were to write another poem about this theme, would it make any sense to introduce those 'that drink the champagne' a little earlier in the poem? Besides ending with a powerful line more impact could also be brought up with repetition? Although, for repetition to work properly it would require a longer poem. Nah, I'm being vague with my thoughts again. Sorry.

Anyways, good job with both of them!
DF  Post #: 65
3/6/2009 10:28:50   
pollme
Member

Since you gave so much help to me I figured I should come down and read something or two! I read Dearly Beloved and loved it! The feeling's of hurting one's you love and not knowing what to do about it is illustrated beautifully! I'll read more later! Thanks for all the help!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 66
3/6/2009 11:04:49   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

0_o I'm gone for a just little while and I actually got TWO comments? Wow. That's far more than I expected (0) :D
Thanks guys, you know I love you *snugs*
And fabula, I took a look over your thoughts, and they seemed pretty solid. For the time being, however, I can't seem to think of any to mention the heart without using either 'heart' (which I shouldn't) and 'big red muscle of love' (which is, well...), so I'm afraid I'm keeping that part as it is. Maybe I'll change it on another occasion.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 67
3/7/2009 4:55:34   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Lol, well... the 'heart' certainly beats the other option...=P
Yeah, pretty hard to refer directly to the heart, but if you want to go less physical here, then, eg

'Deep inside my chest;
The beat is fading.'

or

'Deep inside my chest;
A void is growing.'

or

'Deep inside my chest;
My faith is dying.'

Or something like that. But, I think that the heart's fine. It was just me thinking blurry thoughts, as always =P
DF  Post #: 68
3/11/2009 16:52:15   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

:O I love the 'The beat is fading'!
*steals shamelessly*
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 69
4/19/2009 16:08:14   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Heyas.
I'm going to quote myself here, because if you must repeat yourself, why not do it properly, eh?
quote:


I'm kind of sick of not being here in L&L now, it's been enough. So I figured what the hell, lets go back. However, writing is still going as bad as the moment I left the forums. So just critisism for now; rereading some stuff, catching up on some poets and what not. I may be back as a writer too within some time, but this depends entirely on what will go on in that brain of mine, and I've yet to find the first person with the gift of understanding that weird little brat.


So there you have it. I shall now simply consider this a fact, and all who did not read this yet will find out soon enough as the prophesy fulfills itself.

Starting where I left off. Yes, I am that loyal. I know, I should get a loyalty trophy. Then again, I'd probably just give it to you, cause I'm way to loyal not to. Enough crazyness! I shalt commence!


A Couple of Haiku's About Leaving and Returning

This so appropriate to my current situation my head is about to implode!
I'm a sucker for haiku's, etc, that work both individually and as a whole. So yay.
One remark. "Life is an eternal struggle" That seems to ring a bell. Arthur, Arthur. *dissapointed glance*. Nah, kidding, it's pretty fun to see it back there. I seem to remember you saying you liked that line in particular, too...


Darkness Unleashed

I have to admit that aften when I listen to music my primary focuss is on the lyrics, but reading lyrics without music is another thing completely. It's rather odd. Still, I'm gonna go ahead and pretend this is a poem, only with less point-deduction for loads of repetition (yes, I'm grading. And you don't want to flunk in my class, trust me .
quote:


People shall die;
If not by my hand
The rules don’t apply.

The rules dont apply<seems very forced to me, and not really fit in with the overall mood. Maybe:
'Either by my hand
Or by those of mine'
Mine being "my minions'.
You catch my drift.

quote:


Only one thing is sure:

But one thing is sure
Just seems better to me, given the lines before it.

quote:


Oh wait I don’t have those,

Oh wait, I don't have those
The line doesn't sound to good to me even with the added comma. Maybe to add to the despair:
Maybe, if I had those
or:
If only I had those

The Sound of Music:
BEST MUSICAL EVER! (just kidding, don't worry)
Great poem.
Liked the reference to the Faithless song.
'Nuff said.


Ascend:
Brief but powerful. Again, very little to add.


Battles Lost:
Since the idea is you kill an enemy, then you die, perhaps it would be nicer to not have "the enemy has won", but rather something like "All is lost". Not All is lost, but something vocalizing that idea.


Cycle:
Quite nice, but it seemed to lack a point. Maybe I'm just an idiot missing some subtlety, but if it truly is simply things in the world changing around, then I think it is far too general. Or perhaps the theme is fine, but you need to connect some consequence to it. Now it's like: Things change, yeah, so? Perhaps a character with some emotion, even if the character isn't distinctly present in the poem?


A Little Morning Stroll:
quote:


A saw a squirrel

YAY, a typo! (self-explanatory, I should hope)

quote:

Just an ordinary stroll
Nothing special
Or extraordinary.

extraordinary follows ordinary too quickly, and in reference to the exact same point, no less.

quote:


And feel it's warth

Yet another!

Very nice, reminds me of many a nice little soothing stroll I've made in me life.


Collab: Winter > Everything Else :
I'll just assume Ana checks this comment out too, or otherwise that you communicate about comments with eachother.
quote:


tis a bit of cold

tis a bit of cold?

I know it's tough in a collab to watch repetition, but there've been four references to snowmen, three of which freakishly close to eachother that did not really connect well or anything, making the repetition a bit awkward.

Also: What's going on with the capitals? Go have a look at em for yourself, you'll see what I mean.

quote:

Don't you quite agree?

quite was quite clearly the first word you came up with to make this sentence of appropriate length, but I must say I quite dislike it here.

quote:

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves
Let’s enjoy this while it lasts
Let’s look for Santa, and his little elves
Let’s not forget these wonderful times
When we return to our daily lives.


And his eight tiny reindeer plus Rudolf
With his shiny red nose as he guides the way
For Santa, and his big red sleigh

Let's not forget these wonderful times
When we return to our daily lifes
And whoop, we just jump back to Santa.

See what I mean, Santa, remember, Santa. Especially with the And pretending it's been about Santa all along, it's weird.


Bittersweet Loving
quote:

Holding out my arms for you:
Hoping you'll come back to me.
But you won't.
I know.
For I am the one bleeding.

Either "i" knows because he's bleeding or the "you" won't comeback because "I" is bleeding.
Neither make sense, especially in a romantic scene. Try to communicate better why the other person would fail to come back.
Otherwise, nice little piece.

Battles won:
Nothing to add.
Good poem!


Masked:
Nice.
Yet again, no further comments.


Good job keeping up in the absence of your mentor XP.
Seriously though, good stuff! Keep em comming!
AQ  Post #: 70
4/24/2009 14:55:48   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

*throws Justin a loyalty trophy*
Because you're that cool

Darkness Unleashed:
All fixed up :) Thanks for noting those, hadn't had a critique on that yet, I believe.

Battles Lost:
Personally, I prefer 'the enemy has won', as it is pretty broadly interpretable. You could even look at it as if 'the enemy' was evil in general. Or god, which would be funny :P

And I know Cycle doesn't really have that much of a point. I hate myself for writing it, really >.>
*curses teh writers block*

A little morning stroll:
TWO typos? 0_o
*goes and kills himself*
Well, I know you don't like extraordinary here, but I'm afraid I /do/ like it >.>
It just gives me that /feeling/, you know? :P
Fixed it by removing the 'ordinary' in the first sentence xD

Collab:
Sorry, I'm not gonna change anything but the caps on this one, because they are all located in Ana's stanza's, which I don't think I should be touching. Hey, I just noticed, I'll go and fix the one with quite :D

Bittersweet Loving:
It's more of a figural kind of bleeding. And actually, it's more like 'I' knows he's bleeding, but 'you' doesn't know. Either way, 'I' thinks/knows that 'you' won't come back, /because/ he is bleeding. It's not like 'you' won't come back because 'you' doesn't like the 'blood', but more that 'I' knows that 'you' won't come back, because 'I' knows that 'I' is bleeding. Aargh, I'm making this far more confusing than it already is.... @.@

Well, I guess that concludes my reply... Thanks for the comments, I'll make sure to write more stuff so you'll keep coming back :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 71
5/8/2009 13:34:37   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New short one: Framed Distort.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 72
5/8/2009 15:19:57   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Hi, my self-proclaimed brave friend,

quote:

Grasping my reality.

When you grasp something, you actually grab hold of it, rather than trying to grab hold of something.
Easiest adjustment: Grasping at reality.

Good stuff!
Cheers!
AQ  Post #: 73
5/8/2009 17:42:03   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Ah, thanks, good one, I'll go fix it right away :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 74
5/12/2009 16:32:13   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

A new one up :D
woohoo :3
I really like the first stanza, kinda like the second stanza, not so much the third stanza, and I totally took a wrong turn with the fourth one, but hey, who cares XD
Hope you'll all still enjoy it,

Arthur.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 75
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