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RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If"

 
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12/31/2008 15:31:57   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


I'm back!
New: Alarm Clock.

EDIT: Second page! I claim it for myself! Even claiming your own pages isn't allowed. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 14:22:00 >
DF  Post #: 26
1/6/2009 18:42:40   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


New: Observations.
Some interesting things I've realized.
Whenever I make an observation I will update "Observations".

Maybe it isn't really poetry, but I felt like one-liners and the like looked better in poetry than in singular lines.

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 1/6/2009 19:01:09 >
DF  Post #: 27
1/14/2009 16:20:34   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


New: Drugs. A try at haiku form.

Sorry I've been gone for so long. (Procrastination on a big project.)

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 7/25/2011 14:41:59 >
DF  Post #: 28
1/25/2009 17:19:45   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


A mini-update to "Observations" is up.
I'm thinking about a song for the economy next.
DF  Post #: 29
2/9/2009 21:20:31   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


It's been quite a while. A poem for my actions:
Procrastination
DF  Post #: 30
2/24/2009 18:58:27   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


A meaningful semi-tongue-twister.
Relevance
DF  Post #: 31
8/14/2009 16:22:52   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


grass
Eh...

EDIT: Jesus, like half a year between this post and the last one...

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 9/22/2009 21:22:41 >
DF  Post #: 32
8/21/2009 23:03:16   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Sticky Notes
Just sitting in someone's office cubicle and thought.

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 8/21/2009 23:04:42 >
DF  Post #: 33
8/23/2009 15:20:19   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


The Game
Death.

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 9/15/2009 16:51:48 >
DF  Post #: 34
9/15/2009 17:01:27   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


right?

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 9/15/2009 17:28:31 >
DF  Post #: 35
9/16/2009 17:07:36   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Because
Little darker than my usual fare.
DF  Post #: 36
9/18/2009 11:57:13   
Mistermafio
Member

Just chiming in to say that I really like your style of writing poetry. It's so different from what I write, in a good way. I like the fact you are to the point, not wasting your time with overly complicated language or burdening yourself with trivial stuff.

In reading through your poetry (though I must admit, I didn't really have the time to read it all quite yet) I did find one little mistake.

quote:

If

If I wanted, I'd cause despair.
If I wanted, I'd fix heathcare.
Don't give me that smirk,
Don't act like a jerk,
I could if I wanted, so there.


Unless you are really buggered with the way heath gets treated these days, I think you meant healthcare.

Anyway, I really enjoyed your poetry. And, consider me someone that doesn't know what he's talking about, but I really think it would be very interesting to see you try different forms of poetry. Something with rhyme, or something more flowery. Not only for us forumites to read, but more for you yourself to find out. I myself find I learn a lot from trying different styles, so I figure you might do so too.

Heh, scratch that, I just saw your first page of poetry. :^P Good stuff, still.

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 9/18/2009 11:59:32 >
AQ  Post #: 37
9/18/2009 17:05:40   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Thanks for commenting and catching that typo!
Yeah, I need to try writing more structured poetry. I just have trouble with syllables and accents. I just gotta work at it.
Thanks again!
DF  Post #: 38
9/19/2009 20:58:43   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


The Other One
DF  Post #: 39
9/20/2009 20:51:32   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Headache
I got a headache at a party. Gave me a new take on headaches.
DF  Post #: 40
9/22/2009 21:15:32   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Stalemate
DF  Post #: 41
9/23/2009 17:53:02   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


anyway
I had been thinking about this for awhile.

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 9/23/2009 17:57:13 >
DF  Post #: 42
9/29/2009 22:00:27   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Just posting to say that I haven't abandoned this again. I've just been a bit busy and haven't had enough time to work on a poem idea I have. It's more structured than my usual stuff and it's taking me longer to write as a result. It's coming soon.

EDIT: Now I also have a cold. Sux.

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 10/3/2009 11:33:34 >
DF  Post #: 43
10/5/2009 19:13:25   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Finally, I sat down for a long while and scraped it out! Here it is!
What Do the Birds on the Powerlines Know?
Can someone help me out and tell me if "do" should be capitalized in the title of this poem?
DF  Post #: 44
10/15/2009 23:13:19   
Gianna Glow
Member

As you requested, here is your critique from the Need a Hand Workshop!

quote:

grass

grass
beneath feet
bent
never straight
never tall
nothing else
is there
nothing else


Pretty good… the imagery is good… but never tall? Grass is tall, just flexible. It’s the reason it becomes tall. The last two lines don’t make as much sense. I would (even if you’re trying the no punctuation or capitalization thing) put in a period after “else” because the first part is (conceivably) one thought/idea. The second part seems much more disconnected comparatively.
(Do note I am purposely ignoring the capitalization and punctuation issues…)

quote:

Sticky Notes

Remiders
everywhere
stuck.
On everything,
everywhere.
My vision
beneath them
beyond them
is obscured.


First off, “Reminders”. :D After the first “everywhere”, I would put a comma. That would be grammatically correct I believe. Next, the second “everywhere” seems really lonely…. And if you leave it by itself, it seems really repetitive for no reason because it’s not setting up a pattern. Other than that, it’s pretty good! (That being said I was not really focusing on correct grammar and punctuation again…)

I'll be back later to add in some more! I just wanted to let you know (by posting some...) that I am working on your stuff! :D
~GG
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 45
10/17/2009 13:26:25   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


Well, I wrote "grass" kind of with the idea of the way that grass is continually bent under feet and never really has the chance to stand up with pride for too long. Really, in people's lawns its purpose (along with covering the dirt) is to be stepped on. To cushion a fall if someone slips. The last to lines might be too philosophically-corny but they were suppose to be the grass wondering if there was something else. Also, on the topic of that period, I really wanted it to be shaky and almost make less sense than usual writing. Like you said, that period would make it a bit more cohesive, and I was trying to stray away from that a bit. But if you will really advocate it, I will add it in.

"Stick Notes": The comma is added. I will remove the second everywhere, too.
DF  Post #: 46
10/18/2009 20:04:05   
Gianna Glow
Member

I'm back!

quote:

The Game

We've lost.
Deficit
too large.
No way to regain
the lead
or tie
or make it close.

Fear is
making itself
well known
for we
cannot lose.
We can't.
Or else.
Or else.

But the game's
been solid.
Some good plays.
Some crap plays.
Exciting.
We've put on
a good show.

We step out for
the last bit.
Doesn't matter
that we'll lose.
It's done.
Being a player
in it
has been nice.


I absolutely love this one, but I do have a few tips I think would make it even better. :D Instead of “Deficit”, I would say “The deficits are”. When you have it that way, its too jerky compared to the rest of your poem. One more point. I would take out the second to last line completely. It just sounds really off with it in there.

quote:

right?

right?

it's okay
no problem

when the sun comes up
it won't matter
we're here
not there
doesn't matter
no one'll care forever
it'll be a memory
to look back on
we'll only be here a while
so why not?

it's okay
no problem

right?


I really like this one (other than the bad grammar that makes it a little hard to read… especially out loud. I always read poetry aloud.) and it does sound cool. A few quick tips on this one as well. There’s not much to nit-pick here (unless you want a grammar/punctuation nazi…). :D I would take out “forever” in the “no one’ll care forever” line… it just really doesn’t fit and still makes the same sense after you take it out. No one caring implies forever.

quote:

Because

Skin
cracked
parchment paper
rips on cloth
scabbed
soul-sucking
dry.

Covered in
thin layer
blood.

Should
not
blood
moisten
hand?
Why
will
it
not?

Why?

Because.


Beginning of this poem is good, however, you get to the third stanza and it just doesn’t make sense anymore. I don’t see any rhyme or reason to why you did that stanza. It looks like a sentence that you wanted in there, but wasn’t sure how to do that… so you did one-word lines. Which. Sounds. Like. This. It. Is. Really. Jerky. Right? It’s a completely different feel than the rest of your poem. I would just work with that third stanza to make it fit with the rest a bit better. The ending? Its priceless. :D

quote:

The Other One

Five children start
with one goal in mind.
To help mankind.

They grow very fast
and now it's their time.
Powerwash slime.

Names for themselves
forged in the fire.
Made to insipire.

Remembered now,
then, and forever.
Though however

in the beginning

greater than them
there was a sixth kid.
Bad thing they did.


Lovely poem. It’s definitely thought-provoking. The rhyming is well done, except in one place. We’ll get there though. My first comment is that after the second line, I would put in a colon instead of a period. It makes more sense that way. Now, the second stanza where I have a problem with the rhyming. Yes, it does rhyme… but Powerwash slime?!? It comes out of the blue and doesn’t make any sense! (and before you go there, a note on poetry. Poetry never needs an explanation. Ever. Period. It just isn’t needed. If it doesn’t make sense in the poem, then you need to fix the poem. Poetry paints an entire scene with words. If a bit of the scene is left out, that’s where the questions come in. If you want more reasons why I don’t want explanations, I’d be happy to oblige.) The only thing I have left to mention on is the last stanza. Was it one bad thing they did? More? What did they do? The picture leaves a lot of questions. Other than that, it’s marvelous!

Ok, i'll come back and catch the last 4 or so later!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 47
10/20/2009 19:25:00   
Gianna Glow
Member

Ok! Here's the last part!!

quote:

Headache

Pounding behind my eyes
steady rhythm
hypnotize.

Into a trance
so calm
so relaxed
conversation bathes me.

Lean back
close lids
waiting darkness.
Muscles go slack.

At peace.


Ok, a note on the poem overall. I personally NEVER find headaches relaxing or hypnotizing… and I’ve had quite a few humdingers that I’ve had to wear sunglasses in class before. But that’s just me. Other than that, it’s really good. Maybe “hypnotized” or “hypnotizing”? just the root verb seems to be the wrong tense from what you’ve already set. Last bit… may I suggest “awaiting” instead of “waiting”? It fits with the flow of your poem much better.

quote:

Stalemate

Two people
alone in a room.

One
says a stupid thing.
Two replies.

They expound.
Create a joke,
a sketch,
impromptu,
on the spot.
Both
refuse to laugh.
Would ruin the joke.

No one else
is around
to appreciate it.

What a waste.


One, it is amazing. There is only a few things I would change. The places there is a bolded comma above help a ton IMO. Other than that, it’s gorgeous!

quote:

anyway

what if
when we die
there's nothing

what if
we're just gone
nowhere

what if
there's no more thought
no more soul

what if
there's no heaven
no nothing

what if
there's even
no blackness

what if
in a thousand years
no one remembers you

what if
in billions of years
nothing's left of you

what if
there's no reason
to live

hm

what if
we just lived
since

we're here anyway

might as well
do something


Well, ignoring the blantant and obvious punctuation, grammar, and capitalization errors (which I’m assuming was purposeful), I really do enjoy it!

quote:

What Do the Birds on the Powerlines Know?

What do the birds on the powerlines know?
They cock their heads most uncannily so.
Strange and foul are the trees they perch upon.
Their bodies are still; their manner withdrawn.
Gleaming eyes that speak of knowledge unheard,
Of happenings most vile not yet occurred.
Beyond our small Earth and our small moments
Are sights and sounds the birds sense that torment.
A burden most heavy rests on their wings.
Inescapable, yet makes them as kings.


Nothing here except a couple of spelling errors (fixed and bolded…). Very well done as well!


There you go! I hope this was helpful!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 48
11/24/2009 21:17:50   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


A much belated and much hugantic thank-you for reading my poetry! It feels like I'm mostly just writing them for myself right now so to have someone else read them is great. Now to the corrections:

"The Game": Everything you said.

"right?": I'm keeping the "forever" because that line is supposed to say that they'll care, but later they won't.

"Because": This poem is supposed to be like the voice of a seriously injured/dying person. The third stanza is when he really starts musing.

"The Other One": "Powerwash slime" to "Kill all the grime" (same meaning in the poem). Also, the last stanza is trying to say that the five killed the sixth to get ahead.

"Headache": This poem is talking about letting yourself go to a weak headache. I'm gonna leave "waiting" as it is because with "waiting" it seems more like the darkness is waiting for me than it does with "awaiting". Changed "hypnotize" to "hypnotized". I was going for some subtle rhymes here: "eyes/hypnotize", "trance/relaxed", "back/slack".

"Stalemate": Commas where suggested.

"Anyway": Thank you!

"What Do the Birds on the Powerlines Know": Spelling fixed.

Thanks so much again!
DF  Post #: 49
11/24/2009 21:39:54   
Anon Y. Mous
Creative!


New Poem: A Cautionary Tale.
About time I wrote something like this.
It's very raw since I'm half asleep, so comment and help me!

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 11/24/2009 21:40:21 >
DF  Post #: 50
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