Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

** Lguan's Collection of Poetry ** ((Comments Thread))

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> ** Lguan's Collection of Poetry ** ((Comments Thread))
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
7/17/2008 11:44:06   
lguan
Member

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=14280459

Any and all comments are appreciated :D.
If there's any poem in particular that you like (if at all ;P), please say so as well ;).

Thanks.



7/17/08
Just got approved today so I'll just post a few to give a few examples of my work.
Bittersweet Wishing
Letting You Go
Hiding Gold
Reality and Fantasy
Itch

< Message edited by lguan -- 6/22/2009 21:00:37 >
AQ  Post #: 1
8/24/2008 9:58:37   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

lguan? I didn't know you write! I'm going to butcher your poetry... bigtime ;) Remember, you don't have to take my advice, as it's just that: advice.

My Bittersweet Wishing

I'll just go over it stanza by stanza.
1st: Shifting around in your chair appears a bit... odd to me, but that may just be my silly head :P
2nd: Excellent! With a capital... everything! I really liked this stanza, it flowed really good. Except for the last sentence, I believe it'd be better if you wrote out "I've" as "I have".
3rd: The final sentence (again) disrupts the flow here... a lot. Try changing it. Personally, I think "Of the plan you have conceived" or "Of the plan you've now conceived" or something along the lines of that would work. Adding "though" at the beginning of this same sentence helps in strengthening the stanza's message.
4th: I'd write out "wasn't" in the final sentence, ie "was not". It'd help the flow, I think.
5th: "Too many desperate accounts, At least enough for tonight." is a very contradictory sentence. "Too many" & "enough" are the problematic words here, as they mean practically the opposite. How about making the last sentence "At least, that is, for tonight." Better, no?
6th: good, although the second sentence disrupts the flow a bit with it's high syllable count. How about "Wishing never got me anywhere"? I don't know, really. I think you can think one up yourself here.


Letting you go

Again, stanza by stanza.
1st: Good, except for the fact that I think the last sentence would be better if it was "From every weight that I must bear." Just a personaly thought, I guess.
2nd: ARRGH.... this stanza has got quite some flow problems! I'll try fixing something up that has (IMO, of course) a better flow. However, don't you just go and use that >:D

quote:

I'm just feeling so hopeless now,
Like nothing is ever going to change.
My feelings are filling me with doubt,
as You’re completely out of range.


Again, don't just go and use this without thinking. Before you know it, I've changed the entire idea behind the stanza! :O We can't let that happen, can we now?
3rd: good. Personally, I'd change the third sentence to this: "All my prayers - none fullfilled". Just a thought, though.
4th: Thumbs up for this one! Maybe remove the "clean" in the third sentence... but that isn't really that much a matter of concern.
5th: The second sentence is a real flow killer, and the comma after scars is just plain useless. A suggestion for the second sentence: "My wounds will never heal." Also, you need a "that" after worried, I believe.
6th: "An appreciation for me" is grammatically incorrect, I believe... I think it should be "An appreciation for myself". Even though I may be wrong, I think "An appreciation for myself" sounds better, too. Just my thought, though.
7th: I think the last sentence could use a that, but meh.
8th: Good!
9th: You are aware of the fact that out and route don't rhyme, are you? Also, I think you should make the "we will" in the first sentence just a "we'll".
10th: /Very/ good!


Hiding Gold

You know how it works now.
1st: Good! Although the "Letting it hold" feels a little awkward >.>
2nd: A coffin you sealed? Again, a little awakward. How about "A coffin was sealed?"
3rd: You hurt to stay? BAD grammar! (I think... :P)
4th: Good.
5th:
quote:

You once said such,
You were shy to unknowns.
Have I really changed so much.
So you pierce me through bone?

Really, do you like bothering me with bad punctuation or something?
The bolded sentence either needs a question mark or a comma, but definitly NOT a period :/
Also, the italicized sentence has bad grammar. I think no further explanation is needed.
6th: Better.
7th: How about putting "just" before gold in the second sentence? Also, the third comma needs to be a dash or a semi-colon.


Reality and Fantasy

Surprisingly enough, I didn't find any errors in this one. Good job, I really liked it!
As a second thought, I do have one suggestion:

quote:

Fantasy -
the world in which
anything is possible.
Fantasy -
the part of us
that keeps us living.


I think the dasher are nicer than the "is"'s :P Again, just my thoughts.




Overal, I think you do indeed have quite some talent. I've seen poetry a /lot/ worse (also a lot better, of course). For now, it seems you are better with freeverse, but don't let that stop you from writing more with rhyme schemes! Also, Ive noticed that you still need some work on your punctuation. It's not partictularly bad.... I'm just saying I think that is one of the things you need to work the most on. Punctuation can have a /huge/ impact on how well your flow is. Really, I knows. Anyway, good luck with your poetry, and feel free to have a look at my stuff when you have the time ;)

/Arthur
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
8/27/2008 15:34:53   
lguan
Member

Hehe wow you really dissected my work.
And thanks for actually noticing this thread X3. I appreciate it.

quote:

quote:

You once said such,
You were shy to unknowns.
Have I really changed so much.
So you pierce me through bone?

Really, do you like bothering me with bad punctuation or something?
The bolded sentence either needs a question mark or a comma, but definitly NOT a period :/
Also, the italicized sentence has bad grammar. I think no further explanation is needed.

I don't see anything wrong with that last sentence :/. Explanation needed, after all. Minor error, that bolded one, I'd like to say my excuse was a typo ... xP.
AQ  Post #: 3
8/27/2008 15:47:30   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Well, in most cases the last sentence would be a case of bad grammar... Explain to me, perhaps I'll understand when you do :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 4
8/27/2008 18:32:18   
lguan
Member

Even if the last line was on it's own (and not connected to the second to last line), I see no grammatical error, which is what i was meaning to say.
AQ  Post #: 5
8/28/2008 3:04:13   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Indeed... well, my bad, it's no bad grammar. It just sounded so awkward to me that it instantly triggered my "bad grammar" reaction, I guess :P Anyway, it may still be just me, but I /still/ think that sentence sounds really awkward. Let's... just keep it at that :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 6
6/22/2009 21:01:20   
lguan
Member

New one, in a while. I thought of an idea that would be nice for a poem. What do you think?

Itch
AQ  Post #: 7
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> ** Lguan's Collection of Poetry ** ((Comments Thread))
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition