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The Seven Arts of Death - Comments Thread - Update: Chapter 5!

 
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9/11/2008 9:38:47   
Arthur The Brave One
Member



And yes, the banner is the link to the story. Just so you won't have to ask :P

Theme song: Above the Rising Falls

So, I finally got this story of mine approved. Big yay! :D
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, leave a comment if you can, please!

---
19-05-09
Well... I'm gonna try to continue this story. I know I've not been around much these past few months (I'm blaming my writers block, my life and my overall laziness), but I'll try to continue this and make it something worth reading :P

Cheerios,
Arthur

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 5/6/2009 7:12:36 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
9/22/2008 4:22:30   
mastin2
Member

Hello, there, old friend. :)
I’m here at request to work on The Seven Arts of Death. (Nice banner, by the way. You’re a skilled artist; I’ve been telling you for nearly two years. :) )
Of course, I would’ve done it anyway. :P




quote:

It appeared he was hanging from a bunch of chains firmly bound around his wrists, thereby nigh completely blocking the flow of blood into his hands, making them feel kind of... lifeless.
nice choice of words, there. But…honestly, just use ‘nearly’. The two ‘ly’, in my opinion, would not clash with each other. (nearly describing completely. To me, it makes sense)
But that’s just my opinion.
Also…the sentence is a little long, you know. It sounds amazing as it is, though, and the ways to shorten/break it up would, well, not sound as good. For the moment (‘til you get a second opinion), just leave it as it is. :)

quote:

It seemed the chains were bound to the ceiling, which were appearantly made of sturdy stone bricks, mostly covered in green moss.
appearantly = apparently?

quote:

With a shock he realized it was not.
Please note for my following suggestion that I have a slower flow than most authors here in L&L. I recommend adding a comma after ‘shock’. At least from where I’m from, commas need to be placed after a prepositional phrase beginning to a sentence. Of course, this slows things down, so if you want to ‘bend’ the rule and keep the pace, feel free to do so. :)

quote:

of rotting corpses… He'd
I can tell. This ‘…’ was made in Microsoft Word (and shows up as a single, not three), while every following was forum-based with the ‘...’ . Why?

quote:

He felt his hands get a little wet, and looked up again.
the comma is unnecessary with the presence of the ‘and’; you should remove it, as it is slowing down the flow of the sentence without purpose.


Well, that’s Chapter One, but since you’ve got me interested, there’s no chance I’m stopping there! :P


quote:

"How is the project going, Alphonse? Is everything going according to plan?" said a tall man wearing a large black cloak in a deep, carrying voice.
by the way, my honest opinion states this is a really terrible way to say that a speaker is…well, speaking. the ‘said *insert descriptors/name here*’ is, generally, an…awkward approach. The deep voice is fine…just, usually, that kind of thing goes…well, immediately after the sentence.
Just my suggestion, but here’s how I’d rephrase it (not the best way, but the best that I can do):

“according to plan?" A deep voice carrying throughout the room originated from a tall man wearing a large black cloak, his words radiating power.”

quote:

Yes master, he is now experiencing the first art.
I’d put a comma after ‘Yes’ and make the current comma a semicolon.

quote:

As the two man fell in silence
‘man’ should be ‘men’.

quote:

He didn't know it's name yet, however, and
‘it's’ should be ‘its’. It’s stands for it is. Its means belongs to it. The latter is what you want. :)

quote:

When he was still alive, Richard had been only eleven, he told him that
Start a new sentence at ‘he’ by making the comma after ‘eleven’ a period and capitalize the h in ‘he’. The two sentences are barely even connected, and I do believe it’d sound better if they were separated.

quote:

Once all reasonable has been thought of
try just ‘reason’.

quote:

The green-colored, water had now
the comma is unnecessary.

quote:

This could as well have been caused by a lack of blood, of course.
It is a bit confusing here. Maybe you should drop the ‘as well’?

quote:

isn’t kept stable, the user will fade away in the blink of an eye - not really something that’s good for your health.
Might I comment and say that this is absolutely hilarious? :P
Well, anyway, “isn’t” and “that’s” both have curved apostrophes. That is inconsistent with everything else; decurve them. :)


[/Chapter Two]Of course, how much fun would it be if I stopped there? :P


quote:

Falling down the dark shaft, he had to make a split second decision.
Depending on location, ‘split second’ should be ‘split-second’. At least, where I’m from. Other places, other rules.

quote:

He grabbed his two daggers, which were longer than daggers usually are.
the second half of the sentence really serves no purpose, you know. I’d drop it.

quote:

Then, he must have been falling for about seven to ten seconds, he felt himself slowing down.
if you want to keep the part in the middle, a rephrase I do recommend.

“He must have been falling for about seven to ten seconds. Then, he felt himself slowing down.”

quote:

of physics or something?Am I perhaps dreaming
you need a space between ‘something?’ and ‘Am’.

quote:

While Richard was still struggling with the fact of whether or not it was possible to perform a real mind-body binding illusion was possible, he was falling down faster than last time, and he knew it.
drop the second ‘was possible’, as you say it earlier. You need not repeat yourself. :P

quote:

Illusion Breaker 99, Final Relief!
(Psst…nothing wrong here…but… Mesthinks that someone here might be watching a little too much Bleach. :P)




Well, I finished. The overall quality is simply amazing. Most of what I found was more technical stuff, as that’s what I specialize in. I’ve done pretty much all I can at the moment. Keep up the great work, my good friend! :)

I also have an extreme liking to the plot. Kinda reminds me a little of Saw, but that’s just me. The torture from seven different ways to die…well, it’s interesting, to say the least. I hope to see more of this simply stunning work, AT quite some bit Dark O! :P

(psst…PLEASE tell me the first art is over. Oh, and will all arts take that many chapters?)

-Mastin
Post #: 2
9/22/2008 11:50:28   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Talking 'bout butchering 0_o Let's get onto it, then!
(Thanks for the compliment, but I'm afraid I'll have to point you towards The Gallery. I just got the right program, and the inspiration of a moment :P)

1: Actually, I'm changing it back right now. I know, I'm a wimpy writer ;)
2: And as such, I will leave it as it is. :P
3: This is actually a mistake I started making during my suggestion days. I just really thought it was spelled this way :P It just lingers on a bit, I guess.
4: I chose to bend. :D
5: fixed.

6: I kinda 'borrowed' your suggestion, as I couldn't think of anything else myself that I found better.
7: agreed.
8: OMG, typo alert! You didn't see that one >.>
9: Nor this one.
10: It was really once sentence, it just took a rather careful read. I hope it's a little clearer now :)
11: Taken.
12: The comma was a result of a removed adjective (?). I removed the adjective-in-case, but forgot to remove the additional comma. Oh well :P
13: Agreed.
14: Damn you MSWord! >.< Glad you found it amusing ;)

15: Fixed.
16: Fixed. (repeat cookie anyone?)
17: Agreed. (just so I wouldn't have to use fixed again. Oh crud... there I did it again.)
18: *Dies* This is actually the typo I disgust most. And now I made it myself! Oh, teh noes! *Dies again*
19: lol. *Typo-death-poof*
20: >.< Have not! >.<

---

Thanks a big, BIG lot on the butchering. I'll make sure to update soon-ish, so you won't have to wait (that long) for some of your questions to be answered. ;)

/Arthur


< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 9/22/2008 14:18:15 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
9/22/2008 17:10:17   
mastin2
Member

Me? Butcher? Nah. I'm going fairly light. There are much, much, much worse butcherers. You know, the kind that will make a paragraph of why you should change a sentence? *coughsfirefly* Pointing out every single mistake, even though it'd likely be fixed, anyway? Giving bunches of description critiques? Yea, that's a butcher. I'm nothing in comparison. No, wait...one thing makes it a butcher...

Typo time! :O

quote:

It was really once sentence
'once' should be 'one'.

For that, and that reason alone, I'm considered evil. :P


I'll critique any update you have on this story free of charge from now on! :)

-Mastin
Post #: 4
9/23/2008 17:16:51   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Good news and terrible news, people. The good news? I've written a new chapter. The terrible news? It has been completely erased. I'm going to yell at my dad some more for making my internet crash with his stupid, bandwith-swallowing downloading. *whines*
You know, I was /almost/ completely done, and then like BANG, my internet doesn't work anymore. ARRRG!!!! *is clearly and extremely frustrated*
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
9/23/2008 19:17:02   
Firefly
Lore-ian


*patpats Arthur*

That's terrible. Why don't you write on a savable software, like MS Word or NotePad? Those might reduce the chances of losing if you click the "Save" button often. Even if it does crash, you'll at least have a part of it left (the part from the last time you clicked "Save").
AQ  Post #: 6
11/3/2008 16:43:08   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

So... FINALLY I've gotten chapter 4 down. I'm actually glad I had to rewrite it, I think the rewritten part is better than it used to be. :)
Kinda long in comparison to my other 3 chapters (about three times, actually :P).
Now, I've also added a theme song.
(idea shamelessly taken from _Dep. Read his Author's Fantasy. It's good)

So... feel free to read and critique my new chapter! And don't worry, I'll try to update some time soon again :)

/Arthur
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 7
11/5/2008 15:32:15   
mastin2
Member

YAY! :)
[indent]Theme song, eh? Meh, maybe I'll do that eventually for my stories, when I find one that I think fits.

Aaanywaaaay...READING! :)
If you've improved enough, maybe I won't spend more time finding typos than actually reading. :P

quote:

uncomfortably on something that was really rough, yet slimy, and hat spikes coming out of it.
hat spikes? What are those? :P
You're looking for 'had spikes', mesthinks. ;)

quote:

I seemed to be quite the hopeless case.
Right, you DO seem to be quite the hopeless case when it comes to typos. :P
"I" should be "It".

quote:

But more importantly, it powers returned faster than he’d ever have thought possible.
it = his? It makes more sense for his powers to return...

Oh, great new chapter.

Interesting...

You've left me thinking about the possibilities revealed in the last few lines of the chapter. I'm nog going to say any of 'em, since you'd either:
a. laugh at me for being so wrong...
b. tell me, but I really don't care and it's just curiosity.
c. be all mysterious and give an enigmatical answer...

So, yea, I'll just wait for the next chapter for at least SOME of it to be explained. ;)
You've gotten better.

-M

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 11/5/2008 15:48:08 >
Post #: 8
11/5/2008 17:47:12   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

It appears I have improved enough XD
Fixed some other minor things myself ("Seven challenges await"... Epic Phail :P)
Thanks for thinking I've gotten better... I appear to be unable to tell so by myself XD

Thanks a bunch for taking the time to read/typo-hunt my work, you know how much I appreciate it. (You do, right?._.)

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 11/6/2008 8:26:37 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
11/6/2008 16:25:27   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Yesh... I sure love it when I have to school till only 12.10... it gave me time to write chapter 5! Which is done now! :D
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 10
11/8/2008 22:51:42   
mastin2
Member

...And posted?
Post #: 11
11/9/2008 3:40:51   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Ummm... yes?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 12
11/9/2008 18:50:02   
mastin2
Member

Well, I read it, but...uh...I kinda have been avoiding this thread since there's...well, quite a bit of work to do, in my opinion, though I guarantee about 90% is style disagreements and the other 10% typos.

Icing on the cake:

quote:

“Ahah, a newcomer!” he suddenly heard from behind. He quickly turned around. His hunch had been right, it had been a woman. With a sneering smile, she said: well, welcome to the Residence of the Damned!


Something either you 'fixed' or that I failed to notice before:
1: I do believe The h in the first 'he' needs to be capitalized.
2: I'd make the comma after 'right' into a semicolon.
3: It could be style, but that'd be an interesting one, something which I haven't seen before and something which I'd recommend changing. Thought it could also be a typo, all the more reason to point it out: "well" needs to be capitalized, and there needs to be opening quotation marks before it. As well as closing quotations after the exclamation mark, of course. The first part is because, well, "well" seems like the start of a new sentence, hence, the need for the capital letter, and the quotation marks because, well, she's speaking it and that's common for speech. Basically, if you took all of my not-so-good suggestions, it'd look like this:

“Ahah, a newcomer!” He suddenly heard from behind. He quickly turned around. His hunch had been right; it had been a woman. With a sneering smile, she said: “Well, welcome to the Residence of the Damned!”

...Keep in mind that my style is one of the most unusual there are in L&L, so if you disagree, wait for a second opinion. ;)

-M
Post #: 13
11/19/2008 15:46:42   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Sorry for the long response time mastin, been kinda... away and stuff :P
So yeah, I only used the second suggestion, and the quotation mark thing, as I see it like this:

*Randomdude said: "blablabla!"
"Blablabla!" is actually part of this entire sentence, like this:
"blablabla!" --> this
[capital]*Randomdude said this. See? Well, that's my philosophic two cents on the subject, but still, I think I'm going to send versy a pm about the 'officially correct' way of doing this :P

Thanks for the comment, and don't worry, with just the typo's/the knowledge you actually took the time to read it, I'm/would be satisfied already. :)

/Arthur.

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 11/23/2008 4:23:38 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 14
11/19/2008 16:21:13   
Chaddledee
Member

quote:

I do believe The h in the first 'he' needs to be capitalized

Oh god. It must have been said in every single tutorial that this is not the case. It is not starting a new sentence, so it has no capital.
MQ  Post #: 15
11/21/2008 22:13:57   
mastin2
Member

Hmm...it appears we have a little bit of a critique critic. And here I thought I was the only one stupid enough to do that... :P

Something which I most definitely should've been more specific about--to me, it seemed like a new sentence. (I know that rule. :)) Well, looking back, my opinion is more divided, split 50/50. So I would no longer recommend it, and ATDO already made a choice, so I'll drop it. ;)

I will, however, have to reread to actually point out all that I saw wrong.

-Mastin
Post #: 16
11/23/2008 4:21:33   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

"All that I saw wrong" ? It was /that/ bad o_0
*hides in critique-shelter*
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
4/24/2009 13:58:09   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Keeping with a new tradition of reading all your work even if you appear to not be here too much.
However, I will stick to chapter one here until you give me some sign of life so I'm sure this actually has a point.

1:
quote:

It seemed the chains were bound to the ceiling, which was apparantly made of sturdy stone bricks, mostly covered in green moss

apparently

2:
quote:

This moss glowed with a sickening green light, which was why he was able to see anything at all.

"anything at all" seems to call for a bit more;
"which was the only reason he was able"

3:
quote:

He could also clearly hear that the water falling downwards was now falling on at least a ten-centimeter base of water.

Very nitpicky:
At some point there is enough of a base to make that sound of water dripping into water, which I think would be about 3, 4 centimeters, after which it doesn't matter if it's 10 centimeters or a hundred kilometers; it'll all sound the same.

4:
quote:

Too bad they forgot I'm the greatest mage in all the land!

He seems awful confident of himself now, considering how certain he was earlier that his death was imminent.

5:
quote:

Also, controlling the water in any way appeared impossible as well.

Remove either "Also" or "as well"

6:
quote:

but nothing helped even the slightest bit.
He felt a slight wave of fear passing through him like a little shock of electricity, a sensation he hadn't felt in a long time...

This is... slightly bad. Is death the only option, then?

Three forms of "slight" in just this little bit...

Sounds very promising and exciting. Still, I'm sticking to what I said earlier.
AQ  Post #: 18
4/24/2009 15:10:40   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Thanks for the critique! :D
And let's not tell anyone about #4.... that was too much of an OOC moment to ever be mentioned again >.>
And I know, I know, I'm better at poetry than prose. But hey, I've been doing poetry far longer, so don't give up hope on my prose yet :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 19
4/24/2009 15:20:08   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


By "what I said earlier" I meant that I'd not read on until you'd give me reason to believe you still visited your threads XP.
And yes, I was being way too harsh when I said that about prose. I know you're only just starting, and you're making a great start.
Sorry, I just get into a critique-mode sometimes, where I'm harsh but to the point, and I don't turn it off after I spotted the last typo...
AQ  Post #: 20
4/24/2009 18:35:55   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Oh, that doesn't matter, I can take it :P
I know my prose isn't very good yet, but hey, I'm here to improve, right?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 21
7/18/2009 19:43:05   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Your Critique--Brought to You by the "Need a Hand? I've Got a Few" Workshop

What I say here is my personal opinion, and you know the (cliche) saying: "One (wo)man's junk is another (wo)man's treasure." There have been unpublished works that I loved and award-winners that I hated. Take my advice with a grain of salt, and don't be offended by anything I say--'cause no matter how cruel I sound, my goal is to help. You probably won't agree with everything and that's quite alright, as long as you give my words some serious consideration.

Now, the story. Sorry for taking so long. Your story is located on the internet, and the internet is a time sink, no?

I /really/ like your concept here. The seven arts of death, relating to the seven deadly sins; killing is also considered a sin, and... yep, wonderful idea and symbolism. It's unique, but it doesn't sound like it's slapped together just for the sake of making something completely unrecognizable. You've got a story with potential, m'boy, and that's very much to your favour--'cause no amount of deathless prose can save a terrible idea, but good ideas with mediocre prose can also get better with a few rounds of editing.

However, I have to say that there are some flaws in the entire construction of this idea, especially since it's a longer work (not a short story where idea + theme will be enough to take flight). And the flaws, while partially rooted in the prose, are sometimes bigger than that. The two biggest problems I have with it are:
a) The idea isn't developed in a believable manner
b) The characters are not adequately interesting

Now, what I mean by a) is, though the idea is great, the way you present it makes it less believable than it could've been. If taken to the extreme, it could make the story nonsense (which /can/ work--one my favourite short stories by Neil Gaiman was originally called nonsense by an editor--but I don't think it's what you're going for here). I don't think you've got a well-thought-out MICE set at the moment. (M = milieu/place, I = idea/concept, C = characters, E = event/plot)

Every word--even fantasy worlds--have to have rules. If you set a story on earth, you need to obey earth's rules, and when you defy them (as urban fantasy does), you must justify it. If you're writing secondary world fantasy, you need to have a set of rules for that story, and it's best if you communicate those rules to the reader as soon as possible. Because in a place without rules, people will be able to do anything, and everything can be solved via Deus Ex Machina, and that becomes... yep, that word again: nonsense. I'm not sure if you have a clear set of rules in mind (plus their justification), or if you do, you might not be doing the best job at communicating it to this particular reader. For example, just very basically, is the story set on earth? I honestly thought it was a secondary world, considering how casually the protagonist treats magic, but then you mention France (Michelle sounds French? It's a perfectly valid English name too, but that's a whole 'nother matter).

I was a bit startled when your protagonist suddenly started channelling fireballs and whatnot in the first few paragraphs. And little explanation is given. And though the torture was a good concept, the magic wasn't cool enough for me to stretch my willing suspension of disbelief that far. You don't have to provide a long technobabble-esque explanation, but there needs to be some amount of rules given. As of right now, I am possessed by the feeling that you aren't not only holding back the rules, but rather that the rules aren't clear in your own head. Not to say that's necessarily true, but that's how I felt while reading.

How you are to go about making this story more believable is up to you. Justifying concepts isn't my own forte either. But I think you can put in a lot more detail to cause things to make more sense. That would show a greater maturity in the writing.

Now, moving on to point b), your characters. I admit that none of your characters truly showed any appeal to me. (though the villain/master guy came kinda close, since how he called Richard his best student gives a unique aspect to their relationship, but he is still severely lacking in depth). Richard himself is 90% of the problem, not because I hated him, but because, for some reason... he didn't seem to have any personality at all. His personality seemed to change as the plot required, as a random object stuffed into the role of "hero." There are many heroes. Now why is this one unique? Why can't I stuff a million other different (and more interesting) heroes and let them fulfill your plot? I say he seems to have little personality because nothing really defines him. Let's see... He doesn't seem to give a damn about facing death...

quote:

He didn’t feel the slightest bit afraid. Challenges he could handle.

...but he gets the living daylights scared out of him by a loud voice...

quote:

“I assume you’re Olaf?” Richard said, still slightly shaking.

This makes him really hard to relate to. I don't detect anything noble, righteous, or good in him that I'd love (and thus root for him for), and nor do I detect anything tragic or flawed about him that would make him a believable, 3D person. He doesn't react to things in a manner that's realistic or sympathetic--heck, if I'd just been dangling off a gravity-defying shaft and lying on a pile of bodies, I wouldn't've been /nearly/ so accepting towards Michelle and Olaf. In the beginning, he does have a bit of the "What the heck" feelings that would be expected, but as the story progressed, you seemed to concentrated on moving the plot forward and dumping information that you neglected to consider whether someone in that situation would be /capable/ of asking those questions.

Other characters aren't quite as important, so they don't need as much work as Richard, but though your concept for Michelle and Olaf are good, you haven't made them very interesting past their appearances either. I find it strange why Richard doesn't ask more about them--since he should be /very/ suspicious at this point--and just asks about the arts. Honestly, should he (and Michelle and Olaf) be worrying about things like /dinner/? Unfortunately, the believability factor really didn't ring true to me.

As for the villains, as I said above, I like how you carefully slipped out the information of Richard being the "master's" best student, but otherwise, they seem like cliche big bads who do things for no reason other than to give the hero some trouble. I think my overall feeling that your characters lack depth is because you show little of the thought processes for anyone but Richard--and his thought processes show too much technicality ("How do I get out of this?") and too little realistic drama that's going to make the reader care ("No, I can't go like this... but it's impossible.") No one wants to read about a hero's who's invincible physically, but just as few people want to read about someone who shrugs off angst and despair like they don't exist. You did make him have his what the heck moments in the beginning, though they seemed too much surprise and too little despair. But by the time Michelle came, he seemed utterly uninterested in the why and completely (inhumanly) focused on getting himself out of the mess. Too efficient to be real, in my opinion.

Perhaps the problems I mentioned above is linked to the prose. You're sometimes overly informal, which can work, but you often come off as trying too hard to be quirky--which was a little annoying. You also need a lot more detail. Things are happening too quickly. For example:

quote:

Richard floated upwards slightly, and then shot out for his little planet with an unbelievable speed. He saw the planet coming closer, closer, closer… Until he hit the floor once again. With a feeling like had broken his jaw twice, he rose up, to find himself in a room with a size of about a square meter, that had only one door in it. He tumbled through it, and found himself in a hallway.

Okay, listen, he just /froze a dimension/, floated /towards a planet/ (if you've watched films of spaceships re-entering earth's atmosphere and whatnot, you'll understand the vastness of the world), and somehow /landed in a room/ (and this is really unclear. Did he land in a room before he could reach the planet? Or did he land in a room in a house in the planet? Either way, especially if it's the latter, I'd love to see a /lot/ more description), smashed his jaw, stood up, saw a door, and walked into a hallway. All in half a paragraph. I mean, c'mon, you are really not capturing the enormity of the cosmos. Planet landings are much better when accompanied by a description of how wondrous it is. It's not something that a clause of "He shot towards a planet" would do. Even if it were a little planet. You haven't given any sense of space, colour, detail, feeling, the rush of air on his face, the adrenaline pumping in his veins as he raced towards the planet he created... I think treating a planet-landing in a less wooden manner will at least make your protagonist more believable, since few people are not in awe with a landing of that scope.

Same goes of the rest of the story as well. During the torture, I want to /feel/ his pain. And I want you to show, to describe, not just to tell me "it was a brutal torture." Some parts you really succeeded, such as having him almost throw up on the pile of bodies. Now I need more of that. Show me what Richard feels. Make me feel like I /am/ Richard, being tortured. Show his reactions to the torture. Nausea? Pain? Despair? Physically and mentally, don't just add vague thoughts of pain, but real, concrete reactions that will make the experience all the more realistic to the reader.

Of course, this is coming from a person who can purple prose a death scene, so I might be exaggerating a little.

To sum it up, I really like your concept, you've done a great job of making something unique and symbolic, but you need to work on creating a more believable premise and character, while adding more description to draw the reader deeper into the story. Try to do more showing a less telling, and try not to stretch the audience's willing suspension of disbelief too far.

Detailed edit of Chapter 5:

First, I have to touch up on some grammar regarding your dialogue.

quote:

“Yeah, that’s what it’s called,” she replied.

You seem to have many other grammatical problems in dialogue as well. When the sentence after the dialogue still refers back to the dialogue, it's not a separate sentence. For example:
quote:

“What did you do that for?” Was the clouds next message.
should not have the "was" capitalized. It's a speech tag. And in
quote:

“But what if something awful happens?” The clouds comment came.
shouldn't have "the" capitalized.

And speech tags followed by actions are still just speech tags.
quote:

"I refuse to lose to such a pathetic thing as an illusion, you hear me!" He shouted, even louder and vicious than last time.
should not have the "he" capitalized. Oh, and I think you meant "more vicious" not just "vicious." Moving on...

quote:

He quickly took note of her appearance: her long, red-brown hair slightly wavered around, and was kept out of her face by a green headband: the same color as her bright eyes. She was clad in nothing but blue: blue jeans, rather wide ones for easy movement, and a light-blue shirt as well. She also carried an obscenely large sword around, even though she didn't appear as muscular.

You don't have to say he took note of her appearance, because since it's being described from his POV, we can assume that he noticed it. And I think you can refine the description a bit. It seems slightly wordy right now, and I'm not sure /how/ she's carrying the sword--in her hand or in a sheath? Something like, "Her auburn hair waved down her back, held by a green headhand that matched her bright eyes. Her loose jeans rustled against her slender legs, matching her light-blue shirt. Despite her slim physique, she carried a large sword at her hip. Her hand never left its hilt." You can also describe the sword a bit more. I won't take liberties there.

quote:

How the hell does do you even use a sword that large? he thought to himself.

I suggest you delete this, because you already mentioned above that she's carrying a sword that's apparently too large for her.

quote:

“Yeah, sorry,” he said with a grin, “the name’s Richard. Yours?”

This is exactly the type of behaviour that I find unbelievable. After all the crap he's been through, he's treating this sneering woman with a big freaking sword with too much nonchalance and acceptance, and too little suspicion. Since she has been here for a while, it might be a little justifiable why she's acting so casual with him, but not vice versa, in my opinion. I wouldn't even act so casual with a stranger any old day, let alone someone with a sword who appears after I've been tortured.

quote:

“Sounds French.”

Michelle sounds French?

quote:

“I know,” she said, her mouth curving a bit into a smile.


quote:

“So, Richard, got anything on you?” she asked, finally removing the hand she had had on the hilt of her sword all this time.

Annoying. I'd use "had rested" or even just "rested"

quote:

“Geez, do I have to explain everything?” she said with sigh, “I meant to say: do you have any gadgets with you? Phone, wallet, anything?”

I suggest you take that part out since it breaks the flow, but if you must have it, you need a period after "sigh." The dialogue after is a new sentence.

quote:

“Let’s see,” he replied while sticking his hands into his pockets,

I dislike the way you phrased this. "he replied, digging his hands into his pockets" seems to flow better.

quote:

“Sure,” he said, handing over the phone.

Once again, very unlikely that he's going to just give it to her without asking why. And very unlikely that he's going to fiddle with phones after being subjected to one of the seven arts of death.

quote:

She opened the back of his phone, and slid a little flat plate in it.

Unnecessary comma.

quote:

“That’s the only way you'll be able to actually use your phone here. You can't make a call to anywhere outside the castle anyway, but with the ReCoder, you’ll be able to call me whenever you want.”

Suggestions in bold, regarding what I personally feel would be more believable for dialogue.

quote:

I didn’t tell you yet, but this place is a real fortress.

Since she's telling him right now, this is little lame. I'd replace that whole bolded part with "In fact,"

quote:

Well, nobody knows how.


quote:

“And has anyone ever gotten out?”


By the way, are they talking in a void? Perhaps I didn't pay enough attention last chapter, but I have no clue what their surroundings are like.

quote:

Other than beating all the arts, there is the door in the hallway, but… you’ll see for yourself why we can’t get out that way later.


quote:

“I have only completed the first art. Not a single one of the doors would let me through," she said, a slightly annoyed look on her face.

Last part could be phrased more powerfully. Take out that speech tag, and make it a separate sentence: "...through." Her face twisted in a grimace.

quote:

Immediately afterwards, a huge Viking, at least eight feet tall, stormed into the hallway.

Not necessary. Formation of sentences makes it clear it's immediately.

quote:

His clothing looked like it was all made of semi-frozen pelts, and he had a large brown beard.

"all" is unnecessary.
Last part could be phrased in a more descriptive way. Something like, "and a bushy brown beard covered half his face"

quote:

Richard thought he looked more like a bear walking on two feet than a human.


quote:

However, opposed to his intimidating posture, he had very lively, cold blue eyes, almost sparkling.

"opposed" doesn't fit best here. I suggest "contrasting his..."
Cold eyes should contribute, not take away, from intimidating-ness. I think this is just a bad phrasing on your part. "light" would give a more positive connotation if you meant that his eyes were ice-blue.
Last two words not necessary. I think if eyes are only almost sparkling, then they're not lively enough, 'cause eyes /can/ truly sparkle.

quote:

“Oh-ho!” his loud, bass-tuned voice rumbled through the hallway. “It appears we have a new one!”


quote:

“Olaf, for Pete’s sake, lower your voice a bit!” Michelle shouted.

A bit ironic, don't you think? Perhaps "snapped" would fit better.

quote:

Now, Richard, come along with me, and we’ll show you your room."

Unnecessary comma.

quote:

They strolled down the hallway, Michelle and Olaf were whispering to each other a bit while Richard followed, hoping the ringing in his ears would eventually subside.


quote:

After a couple of turns, they arrived in what appeared to be the hall of the castle:


quote:

a huge plateau with a twenty-meter-tall double door to their left, and countless stairs and hallways branching in all other directions.


quote:

When he looked up, he couldn’t even see the roof: it was that high.

I also suggest you replace the colon with a dash, because you've used a colon only a sentence earlier.

quote:

The walls here were made completely out of solid rock, and he could hear everyone’s shoes clacking on the ground, echoing countless times in the behemoth of stairs and corridors.

Better one powerful word than an inadequate word and an adjective, because if a verb/noun isn't right, no amount of modifiers can save it.

quote:

Other than that, there was not a single sound to be heard; even Olaf and Michelle had fallen silent.


quote:

It created a really weird sense of vulnerability, as if the hall itself were alive, ready to devour them at any moment.


quote:

It took him some time to notice it was fairly hard to breathe, as if the air itself was affected by the atmosphere.

I think you can take this out, since you have enough about the hall already (especially compared to your lacking descriptions elsewhere). And I don't like the repetition of "As if" which isn't easy to fix. If you must keep it, "difficult" might be a good replacement for "fairly hard" (die, -ly adverbs!), and the second clause could be rephrased to "with the air itself suffocated by the atmosphere" Gah, not great, but it gets rid of the repetition.

quote:

He studied the doors some more.

I thought there was only one door. Unless you count the one he came in through, which I got the impression as being different from the other one (less big, anyhow)

quote:

They had a most remarkable decoration on them: thousands of golden bars, crisscrossing like a golden spider’s web, yet sharper, harsher.


quote:

However, the pressing feeling disappeared immediately after they had crossed the hall and had entered the corridor.


quote:

In this part of the castle, it appeared that the walls were made of regular red and white plastered bricks, as opposed to the wood back where he had arrived.


quote:

Michelle asked, looking like he had disturbed her most peaceful sleep.


quote:

“He means the walls,” Olaf said.


quote:

Then, directing himself at Richard, he said:

Awkward. I'd replace the bold with "Turning to Richard,"

quote:

Well, this castle is divided in four... eh… divisions.

It's probably intentional to represent the character's limited vocabulary, but "sections" works.

quote:

“Ice?” Richard asked.

I'd take out the tag.

quote:

Yeah,” Michelle replied.

And I think a regular "said" flows better here, but your call.

quote:

“Ahah.”

...What kind of sound is that? I'd settle with an ordinary "Ah."

quote:

Suddenly, remembering something, he asked:

Unnecessary comma.

quote:

“So you can tell us about the second one, then?”


quote:

Richard replied as, obviously, Olaf had proved unable to make a sound, while he was most certainly moving his lips.

Whole thing is awkward and confusing. I'd say something like, "Richard gaped as he watched Olaf move his lips, but no sounds escaped."

quote:

“And yes, before you ask, we have tried dispelling that,” Michelle added to it.


quote:

They took another turn, and came into a hallway that looked exactly similar to the last one, except for the fact that the both walls appeared to be almost completely filled with doors.

Something is either "exactly like" or "similar to." Can't be both. Pick one.
They're either completely filled with doors or they're not. There's not "appeared to be" unless your protagonist's eyesight is really in doubt.

quote:

"Woah, the what?

Need closing quote.

quote:

The place where we sleep and eat, y'know.


quote:

We've got just your casual lodges, but there are a few special ones.

Not sure what this part means. Perhaps it's the "your" that confused me. Is she really talking about his, or is it just a manner of speaking? Oh, and you pressed an extra enter key after "ones," I believe.

quote:

For example, every night there appears dinner in the Gathering room at seven o’clock.

Weird. Perhaps you meant, "every night, dinner appears in the Gathering room..."

quote:

“You won’t,” Olaf replied. “Calling using the ReCoder doesn’t cost you any money.


quote:

Also, you don’t use any phone numbers.


quote:

He wanted to go take a peek in the room to his right, but Michelle was unrelenting; she grabbed his arm and practically dragged him through another door.

Wait. "He" means Richard? I thought it meant Olaf, because Olaf was the last person mentioned. I suggest you state a name to be clear.

quote:

If you’ve have something in your fridge you want for breakfast that needs warming, you go here.


quote:

There,” she said, while pointing to the opposite door, “is bathroom one.


quote:

The three doors to the right are two, three and four, but I don’t think we’ll need to use ‘em that often.


quote:

He nodded, and she dragged him along further along the hall.

You already used "dragged" earlier. Perhaps "tugged"?

quote:

They now came to the first door with some sort of decoration on it: two golden dragons, intertwined.


quote:

It’s basically just the room where we come together if and when we need to.

The bolded words make each other redundant. I suggest you choose one or the other.

quote:

Also, as I’ve told you before, dinner gets served here every night at seven.


quote:

Because that’s the only other open room.


quote:

They entered the Gathering room, the interior of which seemed to be perfect for its purpose: there was a huge, oval table, with quite comfortable, black chairs all around it.

Also suggest that you take out the last and third last commas, but your call.

quote:

Or, that was what he thought at first, until he noticed there were two other people already in the room: a man in a tuxedo, and a cloaked woman.

For balance, I'd write "a woman in a cloak"

quote:

Why is he wearing a tuxedo? I mean, it's not really the best outfit for battle.

Not necessary. Seems to break the flow a bit.

quote:

"Oh yeah," Michelle said. "Richard: Dave and Charlotte. Dave and Charlotte: Richard."

Also, not sure if it's required, but I'd make those colons commas.

quote:

Charlotte smiled and replied with a friendly "hi;" Dave simply nodded, his eyes obscured by his sunglasses he wore.


quote:

After dinner, Richard decided it had been a long enough day, wished everyone a good night, and went to sleep.


quote:

Tomorrow was probably going to be another long day.


quote:

He had to get out of here. He had goals that needed completion.

I'd delete these two sentences, because they're kinda sudden, and not to mention illogical, since he supposedly has no memory of his life before the seven arts.
AQ  Post #: 22
7/29/2009 10:52:38   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

First of all: thanks for the critique Firefly. It gave me a /lot/ of stuff to work with, so to say :P
I thought it would be polite to let you know I at the very least read it, seeing as it has been over a week already. I'm currently just brainstorming about how to fix things, really, so it'll probably take a while.

/Arthur
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 23
8/1/2009 11:13:54   
Crimzon5
Member

Hi! :D

quote:

Once his eyes got adjusted to the light, or rather, the lack of it, he gazed up to his arms. It appeared he was hanging from a bunch of chains firmly bound around his wrists, thereby nigh completely blocking the flow of blood into his hands, making them feel kind of... lifeless.
Brilliant one there...

quote:

If I just keep hanging here, my hands'll eventually fall off from bloodloss

In case you don't know, bloodloss ins't a word. However, it might fit just fine because it's part of a character's musing or thought.

heh, the description of the area makes it look like a well... oh well...

Chapter 2 time

Heh, no comment on the writing... yet. As for the plot, I really enjoyed the bad luck this guy is getting in.

Anyways, I'll stop here for now. However, I find some sentencie a bit choppy, and scenes rushing to the next too quickly. Try slowing down a bit without sacrificing the mood and excitement. Remember, instead of saying that he... let's say created a fire ball or something, try describing his actions, how the flow of mana or whatever entered his body and exited as energy or something. These kind of stuff adds depth to the story, makes the reader think about it, and does other stuff xD. But over all, I really do like the concept. It was nothing as I imagined it to be.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 24
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