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RE: Acceptus Procul Meus Rabidus Vita/Welcome To My Life Crazy Commenting Thread

 
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4/10/2010 2:11:19   
BadHulk
Member

Thank you Red Blizzard! Autism is one of my best poems for now as it describes my PDD-nos which is connected to Autism.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 26
6/3/2010 10:52:34   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


Just read The War. I quite enjoyed it; it's too bad it can't be entered into the Book of War. :3 I think it's an accurate depiction of what soldiers in a medieval war might have felt as they marched onward to their enemies.

Now, as for the proof-reading you'd wanted...

quote:

The smell of blood is filling the courage of the soldiers.

Here, it might be easier to understand if you re-phrased it along the lines of, "The smell of blood fills the soldiers with courage."

quote:

"Soldiers! Prepare for the attack! We shall defend this ground at all needs" the commander shouted

Since it's the end of the quotation, either a comma- or, in this case, perhaps an exclamation point- belongs after "needs." Also, since you use punctuation at the end of lines throughout the poem, adding a period after "shouted" would be more consistent.

quote:

War continues to rage with each defeat of the enemy their soldiers.

The very last bit of this line is a little wordy. It might flow better as either "each defeat of the enemy," or perhaps "each defeat of the enemy soldiers."

quote:

The fire of war, still raging in the soldiers hearts as they got one goal and it's winning!

" Soldiers " should be " soldiers' " as it's possessive. Also, just my personal preference, "have" might sound better than "got." But that's up to you, of course.

quote:

Battalions of soldiers are send out

"Send" should be "sent," as it's in the past tense.

And finally:
quote:

The soldiers are now marching forwards, obilirating the enemy,

"Obilirating" should be "obliterating."

Again, enjoyed the poem a good deal, and I look forward to more from you!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 27
6/3/2010 11:45:38   
BadHulk
Member

Thank you CF, I was kinda struggling with the obliterating word >.> Ah well...(Even FF Dictionary didn't catch it good D:)
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 28
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