Fleur Du Mal
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Hi!
I read the first chapter, The Hunter's Spear two days ago, but couldn't take the time required to type the comments then. I hope you won't feel that your story will be totally butchered by me, as I do have a lot to comment about. Remember that these are just my personal views on what I read and what I noted; other readers will have different opinions and as always, it's /your/ story, so please don't feel obliged to change anything.
OK, there were a lot of good ingredients in the first chapter. Some characters stood out, namely John, the Drakel, and the vampire. I see John as a strange yet intriguing mixture of good (cares for his sister), bad (enjoys to kill), and ugly (brutal methods for earning his living) The Drakel was my favourite. Even after frequenting these AE forums and games a while now, drakels still have that flavor of uniqueness amidst all elves, human rogues, and other types of creatures that are more common in the fantasy genre. As a plus, your Drakel stands out as really brave, intelligent, and has a past I'd love to learn more about. The vampire also rose out as a believable character towards the end of the chapter.
There're a lot twists in the fight. Imo, some of this is for good, but I still couldn't help wondering if this is too much. Now, I have to tell you that I'm not a big fan of action, so long sequences of fighting have the tendency of putting me in a critical mood. While action-lovers surely appreciate the twists, I just wonder, do you really need all those fighters going down in separate turns, John running to his sister and back, then more fighting, the stop, resume of fighting, etc? Does anyone else besides John's sister carry a bow? Could the Drakel try to take the vampire down with a dagger when the first men to go are still alive and engaging him?
The good part of this comes in the end as (and I have to put this in spoiler tags)
spoiler:
The cliche is avoided! The fight reminds me clearly of those many Hollywood-style movie fights where the adversary takes down the hero's (or anti-hero's) fighters one by one until they end up in a duel where the hero finally wins. I like how even after all his tricks and treacheries, John still loses. Brutally.
So, kudos for that thingy in the spoiler!
Now I have to speak for my favourite character, the Drakel. You describe him as such and interesting and intelligent being that I'm slightly troubled by him getting referred to with 'it' I understand that this is John's POV so I'm not going to press this issue, I just wanted to mention it before I move on to this one specific sentence:
quote:
“Where do you keep all of thessse weaponsss?” It asked the vampire. Since Drakels were not built to speak our language John noticed that they always had a bit of a lisssp.
If the 'lisssp' were in a direct quote of John's I wouldn't have anything against this because it would just show John's personal stance. However, as this comes from the narrator, even if in John's POV, it really pushes the Drakel down and makes fun of it, imo. This is further emphasized with the words 'our language.' I feel this is contradictory to the character you've described the Drakel to be, intelligent, skillful, someone to be respected at least as a fighter. So I don't think this is the best spot for the narrator ---nor John -- to make fun of him.
Imho, this comment could fit in the start, as a thought from John. The Drakel could whisper something, and then John could /think/ about the Drakel always talking with a 'lisssp.' This would also give further insight as to why John and the narration in John's POV refer to the Drakel with 'it'.
(There's a typo as well in the quote. 'It' should be uncapitalized as it comes after a quote: '“Where do you keep all of thessse weaponsss?” it asked the vampire.')
And as I now turned intrusive enough =P to make suggestions to you, I thought I could mention something about timing certain events in the story. I really have to applaud the work you've put in describing all the weapons, fighting moves, and the characters' pasts. In my opinion, you could maybe double check the places where you disclose any info in the middle of action or in the waiting of action to begin so that it won't disrupt the story and feel like info-dumping. For example, here:
quote:
As they circled for a bit more, the Drakel studied the vampire’s sword. It was made from a very strange metal, one that was either black or a very dark shade of gray. There were runes etched into the sides of it that were of a language the Drakel could not understand. This was saying something, Drakels are known for the pride they take in knowing every living language and many dead ones, and he had been lauded for his linguistic capabilities in his home city before he had been exiled. It was a sword of normal shape and looked like it could be used with two hands, but the vampire was only using one. The hand guard was made of the same material as the sword but was, surprisingly, not ornate. There was just enough in it to provide full protection, but that was all. The handle also seemed able to be used comfortably with either one or two hands.
Imo, it would be better to refer to the Drakel's exile in the beginning of the chapter were the character's are introduced. It's an extremely interesting bit of info, and most definitely adds to the character so I would personally hate to see it removed, but placed here it, imo, really distracts the reader's focus from the fight. Also, the insight on Drakels' knowledge on languages seems a bit too much of an explanation, a little off from the fight as well.
Style-wise, I think you could very your verbs a little more. You tend to use 'to be' in the past tense a lot, and it does get somewhat repetitive after a while. For example, in the very first two paragraphs:
quote:
John crouched behind a large tree and watched a figure walk down the road towards him. He smiled in anticipation as he thought of performing another robbery and possibly even getting to kill again. This was what he lived for, the thrill of the fight, the sensations of victory, and most of all the satisfaction that came with pocketing his quarry’s gold. That last part was the best, and was also the only reason he did what he did. The thrills and all that were good, but they just could not compare to watching those pieces of gold and silver slide their way into his pouch. And besides, the thrill had diminished since he had formed a gang to make sure that he would not get in harm’s way unless it was absolutely necessary. Not that he was a pushover, far from it. He had yet to meet a man that could beat him in fight, but it did help to have five or six men with you when you want to do the really complicated heists. Granted, this did take a bit away from the final amount of loot he got, but it was usually worth it.
He looked around and surveyed his gang. They were scattered in various positions around the road, and the only reason he could see them now was because he had placed each of them himself. He had seven people altogether: six were humans and one was a Drakel, (a lizard-like humanoid that was exceptionally intelligent.) Of his men, four of them were at least passable with blades and two, the Drakel and a human named Bill, were quite proficient with them. The only one who was almost no good with any kind of bladed weapon besides a knife was also the only woman present: John’s sister, Krystal. No one cared about her weakness, though, because she was a better shot with a bow than anyone else any of them had even seen. Krystal was and always had been John’s back up, and she had saved his life too many times for him to count. None of the others in the gang really trusted her because if she did not like you she would shoot you in the back in the middle of the fight, but John knew that she would always be there for him in the difficult situations. They had always helped each other and watched each other’s backs, ever since their father and mother had been killed by orcs so long ago…
I may have become over-sensitized to the verb 'to be' ever since I posted my first chapter in the WA and Coyote (Versy back then) illustrated me how that verb is one of the weakest in the English language and not really descriptive (or should I say illustrative) at all. So, I would suggest you to go through your text and try to see if there are any spots where another, stronger verb would naturally fit in place of the 'was'es and 'were's.
Examples/suggestions:
quote:
That last part was the best, and was also the only reason he did what he did. The thrills and all that were good, but they just could not compare to watching those pieces of gold and silver slide their way into his pouch.
->
'He enjoyed the last part the most; it was the only reason he did what he did. In comparison to watching those pieces of gold and silver slide their way into his pouch, the thrills and all that counted for nothing.'
quote:
Not that he was a pushover, far from it.
->
'Not that he would call himself a pushover, far from it.'
quote:
They were scattered in various positions around the road, and the only reason he could see them now was because he had placed each of them himself.
->
'Scattered in various positions around the road, they waited, invisible to all except to him, the very person who had placed each of them.'
(Erm, not the best suggestion around, as this is extremely choppy with all the commas, but maybe it'll give you the idea I'm going for...or at least an idea of how /not/ to edit them. =P)
quote:
The only one who was almost no good with any kind of bladed weapon besides a knife was also the only woman present: John’s sister, Krystal.
->
'The only one with no skill with bladed weapons besides a knife was also the only woman of the group: John's sister, Krystal.' (Takes out one of the instances of 'was' -- a less wordy version.)
I typed these trying to give you some ideas and examples of alternative ways to write essentially the same thing.
Ooops...this turned out quite a long critique. I hope you are not offended or discouraged by this as it is not my intention. You have such a wonderful set of ideas and details presented here that I do hope you won't restrain your imagination. Don't let the words you are accustomed to use right now restrain you either.
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