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RE: Elven Robot Taisen (Any idea of a better name?) - C&C thread

 
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7/24/2009 3:16:12   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

What did I tell you again? Tempt fate and it'll come back to bite j00! Chapter 13 up today, concluding (hopefully) the Kurogane arc. From the next chapter the story will go on the Tokyo and Universal Wing arc.

spoiler:

Expect a battleship. Expect a cast member to try christianing it Ala Alba. Expect another to beat her down for suggesting that potentially copyright-infringign name. And expect Faegard to drop in a familiar name...


Note: From the next chapter onward I'll change Elward's name to Elvaaht/Elvaht/Elhart, whichever I feel like. Don't want Twilight fangirls to tread all over me, you know.

I'll look over chapter 12 soon. So there.

EDIT: Page claimed for the Type-2 Shishioh.
DF  Post #: 26
7/24/2009 11:32:37   
ringulreith
Member

*dies of suspense* Even evil can't describe you, Argeus! And you call yourself a PALADIN!
Post #: 27
7/27/2009 21:22:51   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Evil = speed hacking in this case. And this isn't even my fastest (consult Fabula and Firefly for more information on this)

Okay, chapter 14 up. The next chapter will involve an implicit route split.

spoiler:

In the vein of Super Robot Wars, Faegard, Ein and Tsuki moves on to Tokyo. Aya and Kuro stays back. Does this remind you of anything?
DF  Post #: 28
7/28/2009 11:22:53   
deathwalker05
Member

probably only time ill ever do a corrections post, but this just annoyed me.
quote:

“There's no need to be sorry for such perception, Faegard. It's true I'd rather take things slowly and deal with problems one at a time than to assume massive responsibilities,” said him. “I never

besides that good chapter
AQ  Post #: 29
7/28/2009 21:49:10   
ringulreith
Member

Well, Argeus, as long as it isn't romance... *shivers* My only suggestion for this chapter is to tone down the descriptions for the silence moments when everybody stops. Really, for a small time where nothing happens, except two people staring at each other, the descriptions are quite redundant. This is ment in a friendly way. Just a heads up. (Mechanised or not)
Post #: 30
7/28/2009 23:16:09   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

quote:

Really, for a small time where nothing happens, except two people staring at each other, the descriptions are quite redundant.


Will do. I'll try to get around to that ASAP.

quote:

Well, Argeus, as long as it isn't romance...


Eeeeh... as long as you remember that this is inspired by a host of anime, many of which has romantic OVERTONES...

spoiler:

- I'll force you guys to scream Ushio Okazaki (Clannad) the next time you see Aya. You will.
- Does the name Kotonoha ring you any bell? Hello, nurse.


Not to mention the Spiritual Predecessor of this work, Super Robot Wars, has a habit of "pairing characters like rabbits". Cheer for Faegard's chastity when you still can.

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 7/28/2009 23:18:18 >
DF  Post #: 31
7/29/2009 19:53:43   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

... And rejoice. The next chapter's here. Not much to say about this, except that I'm ending up making Aya more complex than she should be. Judge it as you please.
DF  Post #: 32
8/17/2009 2:47:53   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

rule of thumb: If I don't update for three weeks or so, chances are I'm going for something big. This update comes in three chapters, and I need more help than ever in these forms:

- Aya. Just... Aya. I know that I constructed her personality and backstory based on the Sekai Saionji + Excellen Browning + Aya Kobayashi + Ushio Okazaki quad-formation, but her backstory now screams CLANNAD at maximum volume (Chapter 18, please? I hint this at the very name of her parents...). Is this getting too close for comfort? Or is this still within the acceptable limit of Spiritual Successor/Lawyer Friendly Cameo?

- Chapter 17. The ending of the chapter was written when I was having a fever. Blunt and with much less impact than perfect. That chapter was supposed to be a double CMoA for both Faegard and Ein. Ein has his ALL! HAIL! JESUS! YAMATO Beamspam Cannon moment, and Faegard cleans things up nicely with a mecha-sized Scintillating Sphere. I was about to put a "WTH? Thunder Break?!?" in Ein's mouth, but forgot about it in the end (Cookie for reference). So... any suggestions about that?

- Don't ask me what happen after C. 18 close. I am purposefully leaving it ambiguous. (Hint: Aya being part-Sekai does NOT remind you of anything.)
DF  Post #: 33
8/17/2009 9:33:49   
deathwalker05
Member

O, its three chapters just posted. I had thought i just missed the last few updates. Good chapters, and as im pretty sure i know nothing about the back stories your basing this story off of, i have no idea where the story goes next. =)
AQ  Post #: 34
8/21/2009 5:22:19   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Right, Chapter 19 done. If my plan goes right, this book will need from six to seven more chapters. This one is, like the first, mostly foreshadowing and backstory i.e. filler. The next one will spring right back into the action zone.

Next up: Zakawa Black will show the world he is not Jacob Black + Shinn Asuka + Kira Yamato + Taisuke (School Days) for nothing. Alternatively, get ready for some M4D 5K1LL from Elvaht von Krieger!

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 8/21/2009 5:24:28 >
DF  Post #: 35
8/23/2009 17:33:00   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 20 is done. Let's just say that this is perhaps the last filler chapter until the final sequence of action comes.

spoiler:

Bilingual Bonus: The biggest spoiler in the second book has already been very subtly revealed in this chapter. Don't believe me? Convert Luna Harmonia's name into Kanji and Katakana/Hiragana and read it aloud.
DF  Post #: 36
8/23/2009 18:04:32   
deathwalker05
Member

All these referances from shows and series, i know none of them, lol.
AQ  Post #: 37
8/23/2009 18:54:50   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Read moar manga/watch moar anime, pl0x?
DF  Post #: 38
8/28/2009 5:20:58   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Okay, I've secured Chapter 21. The 100000 words barrier was broken in the last chapter, so make this a late announcement. Anyway, this book is coming to a close... in about another 5 chapters.

Another attempt to make Ein look original was taken in this chapter. He doesn't look like he is that invincible any more.

So... please read and enjoy!
DF  Post #: 39
8/28/2009 8:08:38   
Helixi
Member

Argeus, I'm so sorry, I've forgotten this to pursue my own story. I'll catch up, I promise.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:27:40 >
AQ DF  Post #: 40
8/30/2009 21:26:46   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 22 done. I am planning to finish this before the beginning of my school break and use the mid-sem break to polish it. I am determined to get this thing published, and I will do whatever it takes sans vanity press to get the job done.

As for this chapter... Not much to say except for BIG FIGHT.

Oh, and the Twilight allusion is (almost) complete. So now my story has Mike, Eric, Charlie, Edward, Bella, and in the last chapter, Professor Victoria James Laurent. The first three are field combatants. The fourth is a Major/Maginificent Bastard/Failure Knight/Atoner. The fifth, I am torn between making her a female canine like the real Bella Swan and turning her into a naive but manipulated Yamato Nadeshiko/Ill Mother on par with Nagisa Furukawa Furuka Saionji. And the last is Nina Einstein gone good.

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 8/30/2009 21:29:48 >
DF  Post #: 41
8/30/2009 22:23:59   
deathwalker05
Member

First off, good chapter. Secondly, twilight allusion? I miss or forget something here?
AQ  Post #: 42
8/30/2009 22:51:10   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

^^ You'll note that I've borrowed many names from Twilight just to tick the fangirls off.

- Charlie becomes an awesome pilot on par with Kurogane and can hold his own against "the best of the best" Einherjar.
- Mike and Eric becomes absolutely hilarious comic relief... until I give them the personality they deserve.
- Elvaht/Edward was given a reason to angst, a complex personality, as well as a Papa Wolf complex. And an awesome mech.
- Victoria/James/Laurent becomes one person, a magnificent scientist with an invention that changes the world.
- Jessica becomes Edward's Tsun/Yandere. A really loyal Tsun/Yandere, as you will find out in Book 2.
- And finally, Isabella. Just... "Hashire, Isabella! Suwin Basuta Kanon, Saidaisuru, HASSHA!"

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 8/30/2009 22:52:02 >
DF  Post #: 43
9/4/2009 10:31:39   
lordkaho
Creative!


Just finished reading the Prologue Argeus, it was really worthwhile reading it. It's just that I have an issue with regards to how Medieval Fantasy are written such as the use of terms and names like Silverlush, Greenglaze, Steeloak. When placed in a sentence together I get off tracked and confused as to where the setting is at the moment, probably because they sound too similar to me. Anyway, the Black Knights of Llouche? lol and I can really see that Kurogane's Mech is already a Captain Obvious of Gao Gai Gar. Shishioh name? Check. Lion-like Featurs? Check. Now we only need that Goldion Hammer.

btw,
quote:


as a flaring read beam of light on the ceiling


Isn't that supposed to be red?

~LK
DF MQ  Post #: 44
9/5/2009 1:17:40   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Actually it was an expy of the Type-1 Grungust. And for some reason Grungust = Genesic Gao Gai Gar + Mazinger in the first place, so...

Heck, I knew about Gao Gai Gar AFTER creating the Shishioh model.

spoiler:

Gao Gai Gar can't cast Arcane spells. Nor can it perform a Combination Attack with Dracoframe Unit-00.


To distinguish, its weapons consist of customized elven longswords and longbow of light besides the standard issue boost knuckle (that obviously does much more than punching) and chest blaster. And spellcasting.

The Black Knights' name WILL be mended. So it will become the Roche Movement in the end. But then again, Rosha Elfblade is already an expy of Lelouch, so yeah...

P.S.

spoiler:

Kurogane thinks it is his. His commanders don't think so. He does NOT take that well.



< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 9/5/2009 4:53:07 >
DF  Post #: 45
9/10/2009 16:16:03   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hellos, Argeus!

I'm just popping my head in here to let you know that I am reading! I am currently at the beginning of chapter 11, so my speed isn't anything to cheer about, but still, I'm reading!

Some comments on observations made during reading chapters 9 & 10.

Good idea to put in some extra drama between the newcomer elf and Kuro by kicking the latter out of his dear Shishioh for Faegard to step in. I'm eager to see where this leads to.

I also enjoyed the comedy of Faegard explaining Aya that he is no boy and then being quite baffled by her joke of dragging him to you know where. =P However, I think that you could have developed that joke a bit, because it now falls a little short, imo. This is because after such a long intro --Faegard giving his age and race and demanding no to be called a 13-year old -- the result of the joke was passed by pretty fast. Now I'm saying this, because I don't know if that is ever brought up again in later chapters. Your call though, even if it were not touched again.

There's quite a bit of dialogue in these two chapters, in general it was fun and effortless to read. At the end of chapter 10 I started to notice, though, that Ein and Aya are in a kind of vacuum. The surroundings aren't really described and after the mention of what Aya is wearing, all we get to see/hear are facial expressions and the tone of voices. I was wondering if you would like to give the readers a little bit more contact to the surroundings of these two conversing characters. Imo, this might works best if inserted somewhere amidst the dialogue instead of the start of the scene, because the start works fine now, pulling the reader straight in. However, imo, after conversing a while, at least some direction of the surroundings or turning around and shifting weight from one leg to another, e.g., would be good.

A minor detail: another word that starts to catch my eye is 'foreseeable' (future). I'm not sure if you overusing it a bit or not, but, imo, it's such a distinctive word that as with the 'Suffice to say' expression, maybe you should check how often you use it and with which characters / only narration.

There were a few typos and other editing mishaps, especially in chapter 9. I really didn't make notes, so I'll just put in here those I could easily relocate :
quote:

By this time, his nightmarish mumbling had turned for the worse, his sleeptalking staring to sound like the mindless wails of a tormented spirit in Elven folklore.

'starting'
quote:

Her words was backed with action soon enough, her hands quickly reaching for Faegard's ears and grabbed them before he could effectively counter her movement.

'were' as it is referring to a plural form
quote:

pulling him towards the other end of the corridor, where an open door await, revealing a dimly lit chamber inside...

'awaited'?
quote:

And judging from how technically superior the Daimyo model are, we'll have a painful tiem if their skilled pilots sets in.”

'models' and 'time' I believe

OKies, I'm hoping I can continue right this weekend! See you around!
DF  Post #: 46
9/11/2009 2:14:13   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

quote:

Good idea to put in some extra drama between the newcomer elf and Kuro by kicking the latter out of his dear Shishioh for Faegard to step in. I'm eager to see where this leads to.


It gets worse, until the poor dude hits rock bottom. And then it gets better. Pop quiz: Who do you think is the Author Avatar in this story?

quote:

I also enjoyed the comedy of Faegard explaining Aya that he is no boy and then being quite baffled by her joke of dragging him to you know where. =P However, I think that you could have developed that joke a bit, because it now falls a little short, imo. This is because after such a long intro --Faegard giving his age and race and demanding no to be called a 13-year old -- the result of the joke was passed by pretty fast. Now I'm saying this, because I don't know if that is ever brought up again in later chapters.


Now this is where I am not sure. I decidedly made Aya to be a very complex character (Look at author's notes scattered here and there for more details). So basically, when she is around the shotaelf, she is the funny, flirty woman who loves to play around and who refuses to age. When she's around the Captain or the princess, she changes into a /moderately/ combat-competent comrade and /hypercompetent/ psychologist soul mate. And when she's around the other male member of the team OR, she becomes extremely melodramatic.

These three sides conflict with one another quite a bit, though the first one is planned to die down in due time. And yes there will be a revisit in the next-to-last chapters when her reaction to Faegard ON SIGHT can be comparable to someone high on caffeeine. Despite her just having undergone a not-so-pleasant experience a couple of days before. Please tell me if I've got anything off the chart while pulling this off.

In any case, thanks a great deal for your help!

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 9/11/2009 2:17:10 >
DF  Post #: 47
9/12/2009 15:39:44   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

In general, Aya being a complex character isn't inherently a problem, imo. Different people draw different sides to the surface from each of us. With some people the changes are more visible than with others... Of course, this boils to the question of being able to have Aya still feel and seem like herself; that these outbursts of different behaviour are indeed all her.

It can be tricky to achieve. I'm slightly concerned that I haven't yet seen her (or anyone else for that matter except Faegard) being by herself. This is possibly because you have chosen Faegard's POV, lest for some scenes. However, getting access to her brain would bring more depth to the character, imo. I see what she is like around Faegard and Ein, and the shifts in her behaviour actually make sense, but, I don't know who she really is, what she is made of and why these shifts in behaviour are charcteristic of her. Of course, it's totally up to you if you want to add anything like that to your story. Lol, anyways, did I manage to make any sense?

OKies...I'm three chapters further into the story since the last comment. =P

The fight was entertaining, I think it was a good solution to bring out the intruders to twist the result of the battle a little. Because, I did have some reservations against putting Faegard to the fight when he's so clearly presented as the underdog and
spoiler:

still let him win after he has received a sudden realisation. Which, imho, would be too predictable outcome to sustain such a long fight. I think that Kuro running out of batteries and the arrival of the intruders mixed this up quite well.


There's one little detail that was off, imo:
quote:

“Damn, I should have seen this earlier... I never expected Kurogane is this serious about winning this match!” cursed Ein, suddenly turning around and headed for the door.

I really feel that the behaviour that Kuro showed when he presented his challenge made it very clear he would be the exact epitome of seriousness. Therefore, both Ein's astonishment and the word 'serious' seem pretty unbelievable. Maybe one of these suggestions could fine tune that:
'I never expected Kurogane would be this desperate about winning this match''
or
'I never expected Kurogane would go this far to win this match'
or
'I knew Kurogane was serious to win this match, but to resort to tricks of this calibre...'

Another little detail I'd like to point out is that to my personal preferences, you mention Kuro eyeing Faegard maybe a tad too often in the beginning of chapter 11. It starts to feel overused, imo, in the span of such short time. I'd suggest taking out some of the bits in the middle of the first scene and leave the it in the start and to the point where Ein gives Kuro's suggestion/plea/demand the green light.

OK, I think that was what I wanted had to say about chapters 11-13. I know these comments were pretty bland, my apologies for that. I guess it shows I'm no action expert. =P
DF  Post #: 48
9/27/2009 21:15:18   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas again! Continuing with chapters 14-15.

OKies, that mistaking elves for vampires made me laugh. =P One hilarious scene, I didn't see that coming, so I guess Faegard doesn't have to feel like he was the only one surprised. Of course, yours truly mostly laughed, whereas the elf had a less pleasant reaction. =P What an intrigueing thought, though! *writes a novel about hemevorous elves* (and yes I just made that word up =P)

There were quite a lot of dialogue in these two chapters. Nothing wrong with that per se, but since I yapped about the opportunities to see inside the mind-frame of the characters in the last post, I wandered into thinking that again. Namely, I thought that maybe instead of just narrating the delivery of the demotion to Kuro through dialogue at the and of chapter 15, you could have shown it to us: Kuro receiving the letter, opening it up, how his expression changes as he reads it, maybe him throwing the paper against the wall as he understands by whose specific ordes it was delivered, etc. Just an idea though, based on my personal liking of seeing these kind of scenes. (Or do I just want to see Kuro suffer? =P)

The dialogue is fun to read and quite well written. The only things bothering me were
a) one thing I mentioned earlier about every character using a certain expression, such as 'suffice to say' in these chapters where it was used by Ein, Tsuki and the colonel.
b) Faegard bursting into the speech about leadership, which sounded different from his regular way of speaking, imho. Since it seems to me as it's clearly something he has been taught, I thought that maybe mentioning where exactly did he pull out those flowery sentences would clear out the discrepancy. Such as the words Ein spokes later are explained not to be his but his advisor.


I noticed that there were quite a few inconsistencies with the singular and plural forms, possibly just typos due to fast writing? Anyways, I'll end this post with this short list of some of the oddities on details I happened to notice:
1)
quote:

Thirty minute and a counterspell later, Faegard could rest assured that his challenge for the day had finally come to an end,

One of those missing plurals: 'minutes'

2)
quote:

That was why we were unable to detect those trespassers until they were deep within our base and almost paid dearly for that,” Ein explained.

This sentence has a somewhat odd phrasing, imo, as I misread this to mean that the enemies almost paid dearly when Ein must mean that they themselves most paid dearly, right?
Mesuspects easiest way to clear that up would be to add 'we' in the latter part.

3)
quote:


“There's no need to be sorry for such perception, Faegard. It's true I'd rather take things slowly and deal with problems one at a time than to assume massive responsibilities,” said him.

'said he' or 'the captain explained him'

4)
quote:

“The woes of everyday life is beneath them, the petty calculations of the mercantile inferior to their great plans, their names will live on with their legendary exploits carved in every stone tablets and embedded in every bardic song

I think the first should be 'are' and the second 'tablet'

5)
quote:

His mulling had coated the cubicle's atmosphere with such a silent that the captain had to speak up about it.

Methinks that should be 'silence'

6)
quote:

“Those are the exact word the person who had persuaded me to become an officer said as an advice.”

'words'

7)
quote:

“How could he not? Having a father who is also your superior is every aspiring wizard and paladin's wish back where I come from!”

I think that 'wizard's' should be in the possessive form as well.

8)
quote:

“One thing, he's a big boy now, and two, he really shouldn't be complaining when he's got not one, but two extremely pretty girl waiting on him.

'girls' since the rumour has it there are two =P

9)
quote:

“If that's what you really think, I'm ashamed of you... of ever being a friend with you, I... I...” Ayaka said in an attempt to maintain her composure. It failed spectacularly, her entire face trembling in anguish with fresh tears gushed down her cheek in a stream as she drew closer to the sentence's conclusion. “I hate you!”


The word 'hate' sounded as sharp as a mastercraft arrow tip and hit as hard as a giant warhammer, at least to Faegard.

Nitpicking on a detail here, sorry. Only my personal opinion, but since reading all the internet 'hate' and 'hayt' conversations, that word has experienced an inflation in my eyes, or, well, I don't see it as being very meaningful word in a situation like this. In addition, I interpreted Aya's dislike for Kuro's behaviour be more directed at him insulting his father than him insulting her. I don't know if these rationalisations make any sense to you or to anyone else, but I guess I'm trying to say that a word like 'despise' would fit better in here. It sounds a bit more like Aya would be above his patheticness than 'hate' does. Or at least so does my warped sense of vocabulary say. =P

From chapter 15) I marked down only two typos
10)
quote:

On her left hand, the tray filled with an assortment of medical junks lay perfectly balanced between her fingertips, passing through the gateway ass smoothly as its holder.

One 's' too many, and
11)
quote:

“I thought as much – she didn't seem to be in her right mind when she saw me. But then again, her reaction changed dramatically as soon s she learnt of his demotion,”

one 'a' too few.
DF  Post #: 49
9/27/2009 22:33:35   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Well, Aya does have a reason for hating Kuro for hating his dad, which will be explored in a couple of chapters more (18, especially). When I said her backstory was recycled from Clannad, I did mean it. The degree of borrowage, however, is entirely up to debate.

As for everyone else: I'm sorry I can't actually do much at this time. A complete and utter failure of my mid-semester and the torrent of assignments on my head means that I've been unable to write any for the past few weeks, and will probably continue until the final is over. So... yeah. That's what you'd expect from an uni student...
DF  Post #: 50
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