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RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments

 
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8/29/2009 23:46:45   
Gianna Glow
Member

yay! Mini-arc! Does that mean another mini/side quest? And thanks for the clarification... i remember that now!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 126
8/30/2009 0:10:51   
KageArashi
Member

Hmm, in the end I just decided to read chapter 17. Yes, I am aware I am missing a lot of facts. I'm a bit confused how Necro 'uber', even if it was only for a bit. The whole 'blowing himself and Jenna to bits' comes to mind. While I can sympathies with Grim's choices as leader, still a bit callous. But its understandable, if they can get revive (repeatedly, I think?), whats that in the face of all the lives in Tipa? Also -50% to 75%, that seems a bit high. Even if he did save her life, that's substantially high! Then the 'Direct Mind Feed - Connection', that's just a bit far-fetched. I would expect that to only be possible in the 85%+ sync rate. And when Grim brought that up with Jenna, wouldn't that have lowered the sync rate due to her anger and embarrassment? I understand Grim's retired, but for all he's worth, shouldn't he have whipped those two's tails (Literally!). Countless years of honing his skill and power, as well as his mental abilities. He should have creamed them, no matter how gifted.

But all in all it was still good to read! But for now I'm going to read your other chapters, and then await the next update!

(Hope I wasn't too harsh! This is my first time critiquing here!)

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi

_____________________________

Post #: 127
8/30/2009 0:57:05   
Erason
Member

Finished it, it rocks! Can;t wait for the next chapter.
AQ DF  Post #: 128
8/30/2009 8:45:19   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


...

Ok, yeah, Kage, reading chapter 17 is like reading a chapter in the middle of a book you've never heard before. Essentially nothing is going to make sense to you. Before criticising a chapter and the characters in it, it would be helpful if you actually read the rest of the story first to understand. As for Grim kicking their butts, the Utlima Element is only working at half power at best right now without the rest of the Reapers, and he's was actually purposely going easy on them. YOu'll notice Grim didn't even start using plasma or lightning against the pair. If he wanted to, he could have indeed owned them, but it was all on purpose... somewhat. As for the link thing, you're going to have to read from the begining to know what's going on. Trust me, it's a good read.

Mini-arc means like what happened when Reaver got introduced, if that helps.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 129
8/30/2009 10:47:12   
Nightly
Member

Pie, (I can't figure out the spoiler tags >.>) having the uhh, event at the end isn't a twist.

When two people share the bond that their emotions and thoughts continualy mash up against eachother... It HAS to happen. Either they really like eachother, or they will want to kill eachother. Grim himself explained that! So with most of your stories, and just from your additude, it was obvious. The reason why I didn't note it was because of that! :D
Post #: 130
8/30/2009 10:56:30   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


I meant teh appearance of the GPITS... perhaps your just to predictable in your predicting of me?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 131
8/30/2009 11:24:52   
deathwalker05
Member

Well, that was a LOT of new posts to read, and ya, the pie god wasnt all that unexpected, after reading the other chapters. If anything, grim talking about marriage was the more unexpected part.
AQ  Post #: 132
8/30/2009 11:53:27   
Nightly
Member

Really Pie? The GPITS? I'm surprised he didn't mention me. The PM checkers know how many times you've called him on me...
Post #: 133
8/30/2009 12:02:04   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Also, remember the latest chapter is chapter 18, not 17. Chapter 19 should go up sometime today. It's so good, I had to write the end of it before I wrote the middle portion :o
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 134
8/30/2009 12:28:25   
Erason
Member

Can't wait. You know, pie, I'm surprised. Don't mean to offend or anything, but I expected you to post a chapter once a month or something.
AQ DF  Post #: 135
8/30/2009 15:01:50   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


You SHOULD be suprised given my lazyness record. The fact that I'm updating it so often should speak how exciting it is to write it. :P

And now I present you with the thrilling introduction to the Aldrith Campaign! Some things you will see coming, others you won't! Whatever happens, you know it will be... AMAZING! :O:

As for Chapter 20, no clue when that's coming... expect it maybe in a week. I had light homework this weekend, but who can say about the next one :o
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 136
8/30/2009 15:45:56   
deathwalker05
Member

Heh, these nect few chapters should be VERY exciting. =)
By the way, seems you are takig a ton of cliche things for the death element here.
AQ  Post #: 137
8/30/2009 15:53:54   
Gianna Glow
Member

YAY!!! I loved it, as usual! This one was more serious the all the past ones, which struck me as odd. I was very suprised about the engagement thing. However, i did have a question about something. How did Necro know what was in the Priest's mind? Does he have full telepathic powers now? Anyways, thanks for updating so fast!! I can wait for the next chapter. Please hurry again!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 138
8/30/2009 16:34:00   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Yes, when he was daemon, he had full telpathy abilities. It's a powerful form, but it can only be used so much, and it also has a recharge time of 48 hours at the least, a week if he wants to use it again at max power. That way he can't keep spamming it over and over :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 139
8/30/2009 17:38:41   
Erason
Member

Another excelent chapter, as useal. If you fiddle around with it, you could consider puplishing it.
AQ DF  Post #: 140
8/30/2009 18:47:56   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


*pom pom turns even redder* Really? I think that it would get too long to actually publish...
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 141
8/30/2009 19:10:32   
Nightly
Member

I'll get to critequing eventually...
Post #: 142
8/30/2009 20:58:59   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


And you call ME lazy :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 143
8/30/2009 22:19:34   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Right, chapter 7 and 8. When I say I AM going throught this, I am.

8) Chapter 7

quote:

As if on cue, the two owlbears emerged from the forest, roar-whooing at Necro in a direct charge. Panicking, Necro quickly reached for the Complicator and pressed F1, which brought out the Plasma Cannon. Quickly aiming the cannon and clenching his left hand into a fist, he obliterated the two owlbears, as well as a giant hole in the forest as the cannon’s muzzle emitted steam for cooling down. “Whoops… well at least I took care of them” Necro said, putting the Plasma Cannon away.


"Twin Buster Rifle, Maximum Output. Target Lock on. Destroy the enemy". Can't help it. Because we need plenty of friggin' laser beams out here.

quote:

Try not to use it that often… we also don’t want the locals being too aware of advanced magi-tech


Good to see you've found a way to limit the use of such gamebreaker. Or, since this is a story, would that make it story-breaker?

quote:

paladin


*glances at forum ID*. Pie, I don't actually think that flanderizing paladins into the kind of self-righteous Lawful Stupid character is a very wise option. This is of course a very biased option. Guess who is the author with the biggest non-sexual Paladin fetishist/worshipper in this entire friggin' planet? If not Artix himself, then that's me.

But then again, this part is being played for jokes, isn't it? If I assume it that way, then there is one advice - make it so that the Lv-5 Pally got humiliated (armor/belt slashed in half and revealing him in a B-Day suit, for instance) rather than having him murdered. Because to moderate readers who would not want to take this story as a serious Anyone Can Die Black And Grey Morality Adventure Drama, Necro's murdering of a Paladin during the first adventure whle enjoying popcorns no less, count as a Rape The Dog/Moral Event Horizon. You don't want your hero to go "A Noble Demon who crosses the horizon ceases to be noble. The Gentleman Thief loses his gentlemanliness, and the Classy Cat Burglar her class. The Woobie Destroyer Of Worlds loses the Woobie part. "

Another thing - I know this is subjective, but try not to neglect the Mary Sue Litmus Test at this time. Necro is once again doing something, ahem, too special. But again, I haven't reade C. 8 at this point yet, so I'll stop this rant here and go on to:

9) Chapter 8

The exposition took my over for some time really.

*reads on*

*twitches*

... Wait, what?

I've spotted some glaringly obvious Snark Baits related to your class system:

quote:

You would think that the Paladins and Druids would get along great with each other, and they would, if they didn’t have one big difference. The Paladins believe that all moving life is sacred, and therefore are primarily vegetarians, with only eating meat when necessary or on rare occasions. The Druids believe that plants are the most sacred of all life, and therefore only eat meat.


Well... no. Just... no. On one hands, Paladins are the champions of Law and Order in most incarnations. They more often than not respect life less than some other more neutral classes. Think of the Pally who, say, executes evildoers without mercy even when that evildoer is, say, living. The fact that they wield healing magic from time to time is because light, their true affinity, is usually associated with healing.

On the other hand, Druids are the kind of tree-lurking fellahs that believes that the forest and everything in it, both flora and fauna, are sacred. They are those "we must live in harmony with nature and be part of the ecosystem rather than taking advantage of it" fantasy activists, not the kind of guys who would only eat meat. If they were in Final Fantasy VII, they would be the most obvious opponents of MATERIA harvesting, no doubt.

Not to mention eating only meat kills you pretty fast with scurvy...

*reads on*

Mood swing, Pie. The mood swing in this chapter is a little too... over the top, even for the purpose of comedy. Going from tragedy (The destruction of the Grand Kingdom is, for instance, effectively an End Of The World As We Know It for 75% of the population) to comedy (A semi-serious, semi-mock battle between Leeroy (Jenkins?) and Grim with scattered bones ensuing) within a couple of paragraph is a Love It Or Hate It material. To some, it would be absolutely brilliant. To some others, it would be highly inappropriate, seeing that the end of Grand and *gulp* End Of Evangelion isn't that far off. And I, my apology, is among the latter.

Not to mention Leeroy's attitude is outright unnatural. He was treating Grim and Necro as, at worst, some sort of alnemy (ally/enemy), from the way he speaks. The accusation comes off as hammy, heavy on exposition and, at its worst, semi-humorous. Hello there, this guy just blew your home to orange goo bits 400 years ago! Oh, and skeletons can't spit for obvious reasons.

One final note: Okay now, the leveling system is getting ridiculous. It is appearing to me that you are setting up "level requirements" barriers only to have Necro breaking it with impunity, through minor justification "I did some research". Mary Sue analysts take this form of Instant Mastery VERY SERIOUSLY when it comes to deciding if a character is a Sue or not.

Overall comment for both chapters: So that is 8 chapters, and not much had actually happened. Whwn I thought we are finally getting off from Colico once and for all, we got pulled back. You might want to change the pacing a little - at this rate, many of the audience will just be, you know, bored. Also, note your repetition. There are minor repetition here and there, but you would do better to try not to let it happen too often.

Whew... to say a final line, I wasn't quite as satisfied with these chapters as I should, was I? But again, I'm still holding my hope up for something better in the next chapters!
DF  Post #: 144
8/30/2009 22:54:58   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Ok, first off: screw Mary Sue. I'm sorry, but I've read it, and I honestly don't care about one author making a satire about Star Trek fanfics, and I certainly am not going to change my story just to appease some sort of "code" that I never even heard of until you introduced the concept to me. And Necro's "instant mastery" thing isn't exactly "instant mastery". It's more like "I got lucky in pulling off a high level spell but sadly I can't really duplicate it" sort of thing. It's one of Necro's little "quirks" that will be appearing over and over. If you don't like that, I'm not quite sure what I can do about that, since I'm certainly not re-editing over 10 chapters. :/

I took several of those "litmus tests", and quite frankly I found them to be complete BS. Apparantly if a character is special in any way or sort of form, they automatically count as a Mary Sue in certain litmus tests. I personally find the entire concept BS and just people complaining that certain stuff with characters are overdone. And you know what, they're right. There's plenty of plots out there used by authors that have been done, that's human nature.

I know I sound mad about this, and I just don't like this "Mary Sue" notion whatsoever. I am not angry at your critque whatsoever, I find it very informative and challenging whats going on. However, unless you can justify to me why the pie I should care if a character is a Mary Sue or not, I'm not going to be changing too much. Especially because there's already 19 chapters, and changing stuff in one of the early chapters requires major overhaul of others.

Again, I DO appreciate your critique, and please keep on doing it. It's just the Mary Sue thing annoys the stuffing out of me. If you can explain it better, then by all means please do so.

I guess you didn't get Monty Python refrence I threw in there, and that may be one reason why you didn't find teh scene quite as humerous. Call it macabre humor, I am afraid I'm not quite a master of it. The scene may get a little tweaked a little bit, but I still find the Monty Python reference highly humerous, and probably won't get tweaked.

Chapter 8: Yes, this chapter was a bit dull I'm afraid. I did try to get it more exciting with the fighting between the two, both aruging and actual fighting. The fight scene was put in there to try to at least give a little bit of progress. I was attempting to throw in some light hearted stuff to prevent the story from getting all deep and depressing, because I usually can't stand it. I wouldn't even know how to begin to redo the chapter as the exposition is necessary at the least, and it IS necessary for Jenkins to get put in his place by Grim so that way they're not constantly fighting with each other. If you have suggestions, I would consider it.

Ok, remember when Grim said to forget everything you knew about the undead? That comment goes for other "groups" as well.

I'm going to break this to you now so that way you don't get shocked later: The Paladins are one of the main protagonists in this novel. If it makes you feel better, Grim does explain that at one point they WERE doing their job, but since the Grand Kingdom elevated them to be the king's "elite army", they slowly got corrupted. You can think of them as the Old Catholic Church, if you will. They're more a political power then they are doing their job, because whatever they say essentially go, and not all their accusations are correct. Plus, they've been in power for an awfully long time, and they need to get booted out. I know you're not going to like that, which is why I'm breaking it to you now. You're going to have to loose the bias there if you want to enjoy the novel, otherwise you'll have a hard time reading it.

As for the Druids and the Paladins, think for a moment which elements their aligned to. Plants fall under Earth, Animals fall under Life. Because of this, they choose to eat the opposite because they view their group as "sacred". The Druids DO also revere animals somewhat, as later you discover that they also fuse people with animals to create "beast warriors" and whatnot. The eating thing was meant to be a joke on how organizations will disagree with each other for the stupidest reasons, and it is actually also an important point later on in the story. Much later, like, "I haven't even come close to that point in the writing" later.

Not everyone is going to like all the parts of my story, I fully realize that. While I'd like to appeal to a more general audiance, I also don't like major overhauls.

As for pacing... I'll warn you that the next chapters will take you away from Calico, but you will be returning there for another large part, but that's becasue it's used as a base of operations for the first round of side quests, which every great adventure needs. Relax, there's so much other stuff going on you'll barely notice that you're at Calico except during more exposition scenes (yeah, they're all over the place, what can I say? >.>)

Again, please continue with the critquing, and hopefully I'll find time to critique your novel :D

< Message edited by Ultrapowerpie -- 8/30/2009 22:57:44 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 145
8/30/2009 23:15:33   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

quote:

Ok, first off: screw Mary Sue. I'm sorry, but I've read it, and I honestly don't care about one author making a satire about Star Trek fanfics, and I certainly am not going to change my story just to appease some sort of "code" that I never even heard of until you introduced the concept to me. And Necro's "instant mastery" thing isn't exactly "instant mastery". It's more like "I got lucky in pulling off a high level spell but sadly I can't really duplicate it" sort of thing. It's one of Necro's little "quirks" that will be appearing over and over. If you don't like that, I'm not quite sure what I can do about that, since I'm certainly not re-editing over 10 chapters. :/

I took several of those "litmus tests", and quite frankly I found them to be complete BS. Apparantly if a character is special in any way or sort of form, they automatically count as a Mary Sue in certain litmus tests. I personally find the entire concept BS and just people complaining that certain stuff with characters are overdone. And you know what, they're right. There's plenty of plots out there used by authors that have been done, that's human nature.

I know I sound mad about this, and I just don't like this "Mary Sue" notion whatsoever. I am not angry at your critque whatsoever, I find it very informative and challenging whats going on. However, unless you can justify to me why the pie I should care if a character is a Mary Sue or not, I'm not going to be changing too much. Especially because there's already 19 chapters, and changing stuff in one of the early chapters requires major overhaul of others.


Took the word right out of my mouth there. The very reason why I had to quote the entire thing.

"Mary Sue" as a concept is actually highly subjective in nature. Whether or not it actually makes a character or novel worse and to which degree is still attracting metric tons of internet backdraft material (read: Flaming fuel). I, for one, as a perfectionist, take it very seriously that my characters end up NOT being Mary-Suish, as I would want to do my very best to make sure that my story sells for the good reason (I am a commercial writer, or more fittingly, an aspiring commercial writer).

Or you can also say that (seen the OOC, mate?) I am VERY paranoid after having seen Twilight, which is THE most glaring example of Mary-Sue gone horribly, horribly wrong to the point that whenever someone says "ZOMG he's such a Sue/Stu" I'd make an immediate comparison to TWHYlight. That is the reason why I don't watch Naruto/Bleach/Gundam SEED Destiny after some dudes on Youtube managed to convince me that Naruto/Ichigo/Kira "Jesus" Yamato are blatant God Mode Sues. I am extremely paranoid about that stuff :(

So I'm not asking you to change anything. Since MS isn't a solid term and I have many difficulties explaining it to my aunt in my mother tongue, I don't think I can say it any better in English. So as I said, your call.

quote:

I guess you didn't get Monty Python refrence I threw in there, and that may be one reason why you didn't find teh scene quite as humerous. Call it macabre humor, I am afraid I'm not quite a master of it. The scene may get a little tweaked a little bit, but I still find the Monty Python reference highly humerous, and probably won't get tweaked.


Beats me and my "only watch anime and read novels worth snarking" Otaku tendencies...

quote:

I'm going to break this to you now so that way you don't get shocked later: The Paladins are one of the main protagonists in this novel. If it makes you feel better, Grim does explain that at one point they WERE doing their job, but since the Grand Kingdom elevated them to be the king's "elite army", they slowly got corrupted. You can think of them as the Old Catholic Church, if you will. They're more a political power then they are doing their job, because whatever they say essentially go, and not all their accusations are correct. Plus, they've been in power for an awfully long time, and they need to get booted out. I know you're not going to like that, which is why I'm breaking it to you now. You're going to have to loose the bias there if you want to enjoy the novel, otherwise you'll have a hard time reading it.


*sniggers* I wasn't, you know, 100% serious when I said I didn't like that part. Isn't there an entire page on Lawful Stupid that says it all?

quote:


As for the Druids and the Paladins, think for a moment which elements their aligned to. Plants fall under Earth, Animals fall under Life. Because of this, they choose to eat the opposite because they view their group as "sacred". The Druids DO also revere animals somewhat, as later you discover that they also fuse people with animals to create "beast warriors" and whatnot. The eating thing was meant to be a joke on how organizations will disagree with each other for the stupidest reasons, and it is actually also an important point later on in the story. Much later, like, "I haven't even come close to that point in the writing" later.


Point taken. So, complete mind wipe, huh? *wipes* Done.

Well, I can assure you now that comments are going to roll in on a daily basis until (i) your story finishes, or (ii) something along the lines of exams/assignments/quizzes/publication gets in my way. Oh, except weekends. If you find the spare time, feel free to browse through my novel. But be warned: The first few chapters are extremely rough and more than guarantees a rewrite.

DF  Post #: 146
8/31/2009 9:12:44   
Erason
Member

Hey, I personally don't find any faults in it, but I'm reading it as way of a normal book. And I usually attempt to ignore or give a reason to faults so that it doesn't ruin my pleasure. But, if I'm posting about it, I'm critical.

Anyway, the Mary Sue concept did flare up a bit in the middle, but then I felt it die down. The Paladin priest defeating him and the Death orb having to intervene evened things out, I think. (That he was defeated and therefore not too overpowered).
AQ DF  Post #: 147
8/31/2009 10:45:12   
BadHulk
Member

Wow... I liekzed the new chapter... Nice conversation with the Elemental Orb and Necro.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 148
9/4/2009 9:53:06   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


No, its not ready... yet. I got half of it done, and the way it turned out surprised me. Idea just popped up while I was writing... such a twist no one will see it coming! :o

Or will you?

Should be up by tonight... late tonight... be prepared!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 149
9/4/2009 10:43:34   
BadHulk
Member

That will be tomorrow for me to read then. Oooookay!^^
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 150
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