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[Comments] Project 813

 
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2/2/2011 0:19:04   
Matala
Member

I tend to write frequently in my spare time, but I hadn't ever decided to post any of my work up until now.

Science fiction, as this story I am writing is about, isn't my forte but I decided to give it a shot. (I prefer the horror genre.)

Project 813


As of February 2nd, part two has been added.

< Message edited by Matala -- 2/2/2011 17:36:06 >
DF MQ  Post #: 1
2/7/2011 16:27:14   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiya!

I read the two chapters you've posted, and I found the story very interesting so far. In my opinion, you are doing quite nicely with intriguing the readers and pulling them into the story so that they just have to find out what is going to happen next.

However, there are a few technical oddities here and there. I think your story would benefit from more proofreading, so that you would catch the few typos you have in there. Another thing to watch out for is keeping the tense consistent. It seems you are shifting between the past and the present tense for quite a bit.

Grammar-wise, some of the commas are rather odd. For example, you don't need them after a name if you are not addressing the said person. So, this comma should be removed:
quote:

Zane, was a self proclaimed hacker.

And when you are addressing someone, even if with a self-made title, you'll need the comma. For example, there's one missing here before 'old man':
quote:

Hehe, you're losing it old man.

->
quote:

Hehe, you're losing it, old man.


Another grammar-thingy that seems to be off is punctuation with quotations. The basic formula for quotes would be this:
"I really don't believe that," he said.

So, the period at the end of the quoted sentence is replaced with a comma, and the last part of the sentence coming after the quotation is not capitalized.

Applying the above here:
quote:

"Hey Mom, hey Dad." He said as he sat down.

would give:
quote:

"Hey, Mom, hey, Dad," he said as he sat down.


When the quoted sentence ends with a question or an exclamation mark, that is left as is, but the following part is not capitalized:
quote:

"Robert!" Called a woman, my wife, in a nearby car. "Hurry up, we've got to pick up John from baseball practice."

->
quote:

"Robert!" called a woman, my wife, in a nearby car. "Hurry up, we've got to pick up John from baseball practice."



That's all I got for now. =) I might later add a comment or two about point of views and pacing, too, if I can get my thoughts together. Mondays...
DF  Post #: 2
2/8/2011 1:55:11   
Ching Chong Potato
Banned


This is a very good story. I find the dialogue to be scripted quite well, in a fairly believable manner. I think you do have some issues regarding capitalization, spelling, and grammar though. But the technical part of writing is relatively minor, it just needs some proofreading.
MQ  Post #: 3
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