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(HS) United~~Comments

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7/3/2011 11:42:55   
Carly9467
Member

Tell me what you thought of the first chapter in my story here! You can read United if you click this link:
http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=19221298&mpage=1&key=�

Ask me your questions, tell me your compliments, or anything else!

Teehee

< Message edited by Carly9467 -- 7/3/2011 11:55:38 >
AQW  Post #: 1
7/3/2011 15:04:21   
Arachnid
Member

The sister will realize that you shouldn't fall in love with Clown the Jester...

~Lady Zafara
AQW  Post #: 2
7/3/2011 17:38:09   
Carly9467
Member

What? Who's in love with Clown? I don't see what your trying to point out.
AQW  Post #: 3
7/3/2011 22:21:12   
Shadowlord9k
Member

After reading the first 3 sentences I can tell this won't end as planned.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 4
7/3/2011 22:33:50   
Carly9467
Member

XDDD
AQW  Post #: 5
7/4/2011 11:39:30   
Celestin123
Member

LOL, i cant imagine Achillea falling in love in clownie! That would be funny, for me
anyways, no offence, anyways it seems interestin so far and im intrigued to see
how far you'll take this. So it seems good so far but i hope Clown doesn't try
anything sneaky , trust me you dont want that to happen anyways good luck with
your story.....
AQ  Post #: 6
7/4/2011 12:45:30   
Carly9467
Member

Lol Thanks Celest! i cant imagine it either...I cant wait to see what clowny says when he sees these comments..:3

Teehee!
AQW  Post #: 7
7/5/2011 20:41:41   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


 Interesting mentality you have there...

Ciela was there then, eh? Hmm... That could throw an interesting cog into the machine...

So different, so similar... So interesting that you felt you needed to create another char to excercize goodness... I probably had a part in that, but there are probably other reasons, as well... I take it you do not have a sister in real life, or do you?

Twins do not have to be so similar that they look the same; There is a good likelyhood that they will have similar traits, though... they are from the same parents, after all... Hmm... strange... not that she ran away, but Gravelyn's parenting style... unless you aren't from the same mother as Velmur... You'd think chores wouldn't really be that much of a problem, but I suppose if your mother was Gravelyn, then she was probably grooming her for the responsibility of either eventually taking over leadership of the Shadowscythe, or at least becoming a general... I suppose that didn't work out so well, if so...

Well, Clown seems to be... treating you in a very child-like matter, to associate better, and manipulate you more... That probably annoys Ciela, seeing as taking up living alone, and providing for oneself tends to cause children to mature rather fast...
DF  Post #: 8
7/5/2011 21:29:26   
Clown the Jester
Member

I like your portrayal of my character. Also it's interesting to see how my clan members see me.


Your character had a very unique personality. Very fun.


Very nice start.


AQW Epic  Post #: 9
7/5/2011 21:39:45   
Carly9467
Member

Thanks Drakky & Clowny:)

Yeah..I don't know why i put the chores thing, i was kinda thinkin of Cinderella at that moment:P
Clown, i wasn't sure if i was making you to mean or not enough funny xD
AQW  Post #: 10
7/5/2011 23:18:56   
Clown the Jester
Member

My character is sometimes very mean and can be very unfunny....however I think your interpreation was fine.

< Message edited by Clown the Jester -- 8/12/2011 12:49:07 >
AQW Epic  Post #: 11
7/5/2011 23:27:02   
Carly9467
Member

Mkk
AQW  Post #: 12
7/6/2011 16:36:25   
Shadowlord9k
Member

When can we expect the next part?
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 13
7/6/2011 21:10:31   
Carly9467
Member

Soon.
AQW  Post #: 14
7/17/2011 11:24:02   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


 Hmm... I knew that would happen sooner or later...

This could change things up quite a bit...

I still need to learn more about this "Dreamer" fellow... he... is hard to pen down with as much as I know of him...
DF  Post #: 15
7/17/2011 22:02:26   
Carly9467
Member

Yes..I will have to write the next chapter soon!<3
AQW  Post #: 16
7/20/2011 17:06:57   
A Dreamer
Member

@Drak read his origins and find out - http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=19243051&mpage=1&key=%EF%BF%BD unfinished, i have a bit of writer's block. Can't think of an escape plan >_<
@Carly epic story :o
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 17
8/11/2011 3:50:59   
star screamer
Member

so eating that wiener dog had a reason? WHAT? I'm still new to hot dogs....
AQW  Post #: 18
8/11/2011 14:19:36   
Carly9467
Member

Lolwhat?
AQW  Post #: 19
8/11/2011 15:48:36   
Sorceress555
Member

This looks like it could turn out pretty good. However, it seems rather choppy, I'm sorry. And you seriously need to check the rules of English. Every new bit of dialogue should be entered as a new paragraph. For example, this is the WRONG way to do it:

"But why are you going?" he asked. "Because I have to." "But as I see it, you don't! So why take the risk and go?" "I need to prove myself, Zan. I'm not a baby anymore, and this is the time when young men go out and do something heroic. That's what I have to do now."

This is the RIGHT way to do it:

"But why are you going?" he asked.

"Because I have to."

"But as I see it, you don't! So why take the risk and go?"

"I need to prove myself, Zan. I'm not a baby anymore, and this is the time when young men go out and do something heroic. That's what I have to do now."

Anyways, hoped that helped you and didn't hurt you. I really don't mean to offend you, if I did--I'm just a nit of a grammar nazi myself, and besides, any book won't make money until it's been properly proofread. Peace out, and your story's coming along fine!

_____________________________
AQW  Post #: 20
8/11/2011 17:21:44   
Celestin123
Member

Great story so far Carly! LOL, poor dreamer........

Oh Hi Sorcie! LOL, that's a weird example.......
AQ  Post #: 21
8/12/2011 0:15:09   
Carly9467
Member

@Sorceress
There.
I fixed It.

< Message edited by Carly9467 -- 8/12/2011 13:15:48 >
AQW  Post #: 22
8/12/2011 14:35:16   
Anastira
Member

Hmm...very good. However, I noticed one huge thing jumping out at me, in particular:

You chapters are sooo short!

You can still make chapters short; but I'd advise you not to. It's really up to you, though; it's not an English grammar/punctuation/spelling error or something. I like this story, if not only for the absence of profanity...yes, I don't like stories riddled with unnecessary profanity. Only use profanity when, if you make it mild, it doesn't seem realistic! :P

Of course, like everyone, your story could be improved upon; but your writing's much better than some people...who RP...the Unmentionables! I know for a fact that they're loads of people out there who don't even know how to punctuate, capitalize, spell, or indent correctly...not to mention their grammar. Bleh.


Oh, Carly, d'you think I could post one of the plotlines of my creative stories here, or you could look at Serpent's Heart? The discussion thread's a little ways down, and the actual thing is already posted, too.

< Message edited by Anastira -- 8/12/2011 14:38:08 >
AQW  Post #: 23
8/12/2011 14:45:14   
Carly9467
Member

Thanks. you're one of the few people that didn't make fun of my story .-.
Sure you can post it.
AQW  Post #: 24
8/12/2011 14:59:38   
Sorceress555
Member

Ohh...if I made fun of your story or offended you in any way, I AM sorry...
AQW  Post #: 25
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