Argeus the Paladin
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You have quite a good grasp on the basic techniques of writing here. As such, I found little I can complain about your grammar, spelling, punctuation and other conventions of writing. You have also did the double line-spacing between paragraphs quite professionally, which is always a welcome habit. You have my commendations as far as these go.
However, the story itself, in my opinion, has quite a few parts I found unsatisfactory. Rest assured - most of those parts, I believe, can be improved easily. Keep in mind that every of my assessment below is strictly my personal opinion and is by no means a hard-and-fast "guideline":
The most glaring problem here is that the format of the story and the amount of content you want it to convey do not match at all. What you want to tell is a full account epic story of intolerance and imperialistic expansion (very loosely), oppression and enslavement, followed by a heroic revolution and liberation. This is a huge theme, for lack of better words. With a theme as such Leo Tolstoy and Victor Hugo had written hundreds upon thousands of pages and still the topic had not been fully explored yet. Now, back to your story, you chose to use a segmented short story format, a format that is best suitable for - for lack of better words - much smaller stories both in setting and scope. This is not to say that short stories can only deal with 'smaller' themes - I am merely trying to say there is no way you can put everything you need to emphasize on with a goal so broad into so few words, at least not as far as I know.
The immediate result of that is that the story reads like, despite your best effort, an excerpt from a primary school history book about World War II - a very, may I say, "drastically simplified" version of what could have been truly an epic. Then again, depending on the ultimate purpose you want this piece to serve, this might go either way. If you want it to be just a fun exercise in a short story that covers as much of an epic topic as possible, this is as perfect an attempt as any. On the other hand, if you want it to be exactly what you said in the introduction,
quote:
long and complex story that follows Lore from present day through to a dramatic fall and then through to a dramatic rise again
Then I could say right now that this is not enough. You need at the very least a novella for that, and a novella you don't yet have.
The second thing I found is that you overused the game mechanics aspect of the games to make your point. Let me speak a bit further on this topic: Game mechanics, in most cases, do not exactly exist in universe. The characters in universe would not refer to themselves as "I have exactly 100 HP, which is enough to survive an attack by a Tiny Gogg as long as I wear an armor that provides at least 25 defense". Those numbers are arbitrary and exist for no reason except to provide a way to materialize abstract concepts for gamers. They would much more likely refer to themselves as "I think I am fairly tough - a few injuries won't kill me".
Hence, in most cases abusing game mechanics to get your point across has two inherent implications. First and foremost, it shatters the willing suspension of disbelief, something you utterly want to keep intact for storytelling purposes. And two, it violates the "show, don't tell" principle on a meta basis - you will feel that you no longer have to "show" that the character is tough through his skills, appearance and other aspects of his character when a "Duh, he has 100 HP so he's tough" would be enough, an attitude that isn't exactly productive. Does that make sense?
While I'd admit that with a title so post-modern and meta as AE's every game, such a move is more acceptable, since stats and character levels as well as other RPing engine mechanics have been considered to exist in-universe, you are skirting the line between "humorous post-modern reference" and "game mechanic abuse" which brings right back to the point above. I know that the arbitrary "Level 130" and "Level 50" and "character class" and all that is a plot point, and because of that I am suggesting that you find another way to convey the sense that the DF-verse and AQ-verse is not the same without refer to arbitrary numbers.
Third, the sonnet. It's supposed to be the namesake of the story, a point of interest that a reader would most likely look for. Ideally, it would need to be a pivotal point of interest, such that the readers, upon encountering it, would go "Ah, so THAT's what the author was refering to at the title! That's deep, man!"
Unfortunately, what I found in your sonnet is that it is pretty much detached from the story. Try doing this: Reread the entire story, but omit the entire sonnet. Would the story read the same, as in, would the omission of the sonnet impact the story's plot at all? In my opinion, it doesn't. The sonnet as it stands seems to be something tacked onto the bulk of your story just for the sake of completion while adding absolutely nothing to it - a redundant poem that serves zero purpose but a seemingly irrelevant callback to the title. And you don't want redundance in a story.
My suggestion is that you make the sonnet impact on the story on an in-universe level. Maybe it is a prayer to the heavens? A rallying cry to the folks? Something that will come into play in the last minute and tip the balance of power towards the Lorians in the final battle? Then "the sonnet" will no longer become redundant, and will wheel right back to being a deep and well-thought Arc Word.
To conclude, I'd like to say that the assessment above is just that - a personal opinion expressed in good faith. If you would ned any further help with any specific part of the story, please feel free to give me a call. I'd do my best to help.
Good luck, and battle on!
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