(HS) Vampires and Vampires Commentary


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11/23/2011 2:33:55

UnityDestroyer
Member

Discuss it here!

Link: Clicky!

< Message edited by UnityDestroyer -- 11/23/2011 21:35:01 >

Post #: 1

11/23/2011 13:34:00

Kinzdor
Member

So far so good.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 2

11/23/2011 13:51:54

Goldstein
Member

Some helpful advice.

Please follow it. You have detailed an interesting "fall from grace" for your character here, and you condensed it to a paragraph. My character, Strebor Goldenstein, his entire history could be summed up by one paragraph.

"Once there was a young doctor named Strebor Goldenstein and he worked at a college in Liberty City. One day, one of his inventions went horribly wrong, and he was kidnapped by villains to make more inventions. He managed to escape, but went crazy. Now, he's trying to get revenge on the villains that kidnapped him while trying to not go crazy again."

That was bland and boring and if I had just read this, I'd think, "Who cares?" Your character's back-story could easily be expanded, and doing so would create a richer experience for your readers. Food for thought.

Post #: 3

11/24/2011 18:12:57

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

I think I will saunter on in here, because you have a story based on HS, and I want to see what the new people are writing about.

How can you make someone half vampire? Were you already a werewolf, or something? XP

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS IS POST 2400!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You'd think they'd update the military hardware by then...

Hmm... Does that mean that you only become a full vampire after drinking blood, then, in that meta-species? That makes sense, I suppose.

The funny thing is that you're the older vampire, but you're being trained by a 400 year old one. lol

Urm... That's an interesting story, I suppose... I am guessing it might take place years after the events of our timeline, and that would mean Star Screamer doesn't get killed in all that time, unless time travel is involved...

A bit rushed, and I wouldn't think Star Screamer would lose so easily, plus your grammar isn't so great, but I suppose there's some potential in it.

Post #: 4

11/25/2011 3:11:01

Argeus the Paladin
Member

quote:

How can you make someone half vampire? Were you already a werewolf, or something? XP

There is a term for that. A Dhampir is the child of a vampire and a mortal woman, and who, by dint of being a vampire yet not quite, adept at killing their dad's compatriots. Of course the way this archetype is used varies from mythos to mythos.

Post #: 5

11/25/2011 17:19:07

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

Yes, yes, I know that's possible by having one vampiric parent, and I was aware of the term, as well, however, it was indicated in the story that he was attacked and made into a half vampire, which should not be possible, as Dhampirs generally cannot create other Dhampirs, or at least that is not shown to be possible in fiction, as far as I know of.

I suppose it is hypothetically possible, but the fact that he indicated that he turned into a full vampire after partaking of blood indicates it is not so. I believe he was refering to the transient state between vampirism and humanity which is sometimes shown to exist, before the victim feeds, or if they are able to force themselves not to by sheer strength of will. I posted my thoughts in that regard farther down my comment, but, at the time, I found it funny that he said he was able to be turned half-vampire, and I decided it wos worth leaving in my comment.

Post #: 6

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