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3/8/2012 12:46:01   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@glaisaurus_x: Love the french Fez gag.


Anyway, wasn't the disease about men turning into wolves? I think you are referring to the Dracopyre Saga in AQ, but I'm not sure if those events occured a mere hundred years ago. Best ask Falerin about it, he's the writer of that saga and you will find that he's very helpful when you want to get things straight.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 126
3/8/2012 15:14:10   
Glais
Member

From what I remember of the Hall of Memories, the disease was "WolfWeres" which Drageth experimented on and apparently invented WereWolves. I'll double check to be sure though...wait, which hall was that?
DF MQ  Post #: 127
3/8/2012 15:24:04   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


The Hall of Memories and I recall a soldier and wife infected by the disease coming to Drageth so he might be able to cure them.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 128
3/8/2012 15:27:16   
Glais
Member

Ohhhh.

Looks like I have a bit of rewriting to do, thanks for catching that :D

EDIT:After double checking looks like it was an "Erefolw" epidemic that started due to WolfWeres which were nearly extinct at the time. Hmmmm....

In other news, since the fire arc should be ending within three chapters, looks like I'll need to invent a Wind trainer. Proper air control to maximize the use of fire and all.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/8/2012 15:54:46 >
DF MQ  Post #: 129
3/11/2012 1:13:56   
Glais
Member

Chapter 7 has yet another section added. This chapter is really weird so I am taking it slowly so I won't mess up. Greatly appreciate any input as this chapter is very difficult for me to write.

Chapter 3 has also received an update. Right as Innocentius travels to the final cell, there is a visual description of the Giant. As he is one of the main villains, it is important to know what he looks like.

There is also an interesting plot point revealed by both updates, I recommend checking em both out.

EDIT:Chapter 6 has a large update to flesh out the SandSea more. There is now a section detailing the Giant's travels, as well as a section showing the Knights of Riverine reacting to Zairo and Vendagar's absence.

Also touched up the SandSea bits for continuity and such.

So in actuality, this was a decent sized update, hope it's enjoyable.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/11/2012 4:09:08 >
DF MQ  Post #: 130
3/11/2012 7:50:57   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Innocentius was sure of who had done this now and he made his way underground, past the other cells and into a tunnerl.


tunnel

quote:

For what reasons, we have yet to learn.


I'm not even sure you should even mention this.

I can see you've taken inspiration from ATLA, it shows in the little things. As for the visit to Sek-Duat, that has become a lot better.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 131
3/11/2012 8:03:22   
Glais
Member

Fixed.

Hm, yes I suppose it is heavily Avatar influenced, which will probably show up a lot more.
Oddly enough though, this story exists because of a Samurai Jack montage from the first episode.

And good, that's what I hoped. The original was...yeah, not good.
DF MQ  Post #: 132
3/12/2012 2:47:53   
Glais
Member

Chapter 7 is DONE. AT LAST.

Gah that took way too long.

The problem is, I was able to use so many breaks because there were more people to focus on...now it will mainly be of the travels of the protagonists. This will be challenging indeed...

In my honest opinion, even with the revisions I think it sucks. It just feels REALLY boring, and I feel it pulled the story in a very strange direction...


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/12/2012 2:49:43 >
DF MQ  Post #: 133
3/12/2012 5:54:47   
Wyonna
Member

I've only read chapter one - but heck am I impressed. I'm sleep deprived and all that rabble too, but your style and your plot development is building and forming very nicely. I'm going to finish it off when I'm feeling a li'l better (and I'll surely have some C'nC for you when I'm done) but for now I can't spot any mistakes whatsoever. x)

Good job - I'm looking forward to continuing when I can.
Post #: 134
3/13/2012 2:25:23   
Razen
Member

An ominous end. I like this version of Chapter 7, especially with the reference... xD Although, this makes Sarkalos sound like a Complete Monster...even Elitus was less of a monster than this guy...and we both know the things Elitus did with little basis. >_>

I really do enjoy the scene with Sek-Duat...what would it be, XIII at this time, wouldn't it? Might want to include what number he is. Just Saiyan. :P Also, due to my curiosity...about when was Sarkalos imprisoned?

P.S. I am totally NOT preparing for crossovers or references to make up for the shut-down of the Crush Your Hopes and Dreams Dpt. ruining the StoneFang/Razen Collab. Not a chance at all.


< Message edited by Razen -- 3/13/2012 2:27:23 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 135
3/13/2012 2:33:39   
Glais
Member

@Ana:Thank you, I appreciate the read. Glad you liked it considering you said you're a story person and I'm a new writer and all...


@Razen:Yeah, I was debating whether or not to make Sarkalos a complete monster...I guess we know what I chose.

I believe I did state the Sek number, I'll double check to make sure. What I had was XIV

Yeah Elitius was pretty bad, and you think Sarkalos is worse? Wow... O:

Hm, you know I'm not sure when he was imprisoned. Valdur only had two kids at that time, and he has four now...so eh, it's been at least 20 years.

And uh, yeah...me neither. It's not like I'm a huge fan of collaborations or anything.

I'm thinking of expanding on Vendagar's killing as well, considering killing people isn't something average fourteen year olds do.

Plot holes to fix in the future:
Why the parents had the letter.
The Guardian Shield (though I may have done that already)
Kathool


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/13/2012 2:37:45 >
DF MQ  Post #: 136
3/13/2012 18:24:19   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


God of Emotion: May I introduce myself, Deux es Machina.

I wonder who would win if the "God" of Emotion and Sarkalos did battle.

Anyway, the story is coming along nicely.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 137
3/13/2012 18:26:57   
Glais
Member

Emotion's been there a while, but yeah, he's pretty Deus Exy...I will need to stop that in the future, it didn't even occur to me this time. I more intended for him to be a Korin of sorts, appearing only to give some crucial plot bits. Since we have yet to even meet the final antagonist, the god of vision.
Funny you mention the battle bit...heh.


EDIT:Actually, thanks for catching that Deus Ex Machina. I will now subvert it come chapter 8.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/14/2012 2:53:34 >
DF MQ  Post #: 138
3/19/2012 2:54:21   
lordkaho
Creative!


Fantasy racism? Oh boy, this is not going to end well.

Anyway, so are Sarkalos and Vardur brothers? One becomes a respected leader of the Dragonlords and one falls into darkness.

spoiler:

Will this hint some sort of parallelism with Vendegar and Zairo?


The Captain, by the way...I do not like. Why are most Captains so hot headed? Yeah, I'm guilty of this too.



DF MQ  Post #: 139
3/19/2012 3:05:36   
Glais
Member

Yep, brothers indeed.

It's funny you ask that because...
spoiler:

In an old draft of the story, back when I cared about AQW and it fit into the plot, many things were different. As there was no past aspect, Valdur did not die until recently, sending Zairo into insanity. Vendagar then would've been forced to kill him years later in AQW, ending the story. As things have changed considerably, that's no longer likely.


Yeah, wait, The Captain? Caldon's the hothead, and I'm not sure I like him either. Course, he wasn't supposed to be, I was just sick of writing so many sympathetic characters.

Anyhow, thanks for staying with the story this long, I appreciate it.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/19/2012 3:12:41 >
DF MQ  Post #: 140
3/19/2012 3:22:13   
lordkaho
Creative!


Oh, I was half-expecting that it would ultimately end up with the two "brothers" becoming bitter enemies in the end. But I guess this is too typical.

I confused the Captain with Caldon then. It seems spending too much time in that volcanic fortress of theirs has made him just as fiery. Wouldn't wonder if he was so hot headed he could burn people by just looking at any general direction.

This Master Senyaza serves.

spoiler:

Does he have any relation to the "thing" that came out during the Stonefang incident or is he just some overlord like Valoth and Sepulchure?


You're welcome by the way. It's just that it's just now that I could some long reading done, what with school stress almost over.

DF MQ  Post #: 141
3/19/2012 3:31:10   
Glais
Member

Ah gotcha. School can be quite time consuming...

Haha, yeah Caldon will come into play a bit more later. If not just I can get one specific odd reference in...

spoiler:

He is as Sepulchure, the current Leader of the ShadowScythe. His Scythe itself, is actually some sort of temporary vessel for the Mysterious Stranger (assuming this fits anyways). The only thing as of now that knows anything about the Mysterious Thing, is Emotion.
DF MQ  Post #: 142
3/19/2012 13:27:13   
stromy
Member

Alright... I am back from... Uh, being gone! So let's give this one a go from the beginning.

In the Prologue:

quote:

The citizens were eager to await their leader's decision on a very important matter.

You should say 'eagerly awaiting' instead. Tense agreement ftw! (Eager to await implies they aren't currently awaiting their leader's decision, but will be doing so in the future; whereas, eagerly awaiting implies they are waiting for it currently)

quote:

Valdur wandered through the halls of his spacious castle, having intended to make his way to the meeting room to discuss the war.

Perhaps it is me nitpicking, but I don't think you when you say 'having intended' you're making it into the present perfect tense--which is again a change of tense (and also implying that something eventful that would change his plans is about to happen). Rather, I think you should just replace it by "Valdur wandered through the halls of his spacious castle, making his way to the...".

quote:

He had already been put in charge of the DragonLords, which was a large enough responsibility.

The phrase after the comma doesn't form a complete clause as you have it written (thus the comma would be in error). Instead, you could reword the clause, or just include the information before the comma and remove it entirely. You could then form a compound sentence including the next one. Ie, "His being put in charge of the DragonLords was a large enough responsibility in itself, and now the King wished for him to simply erase an entire country with no qualms or remorse as well."

quote:

After several moments (for it was a large room) Valdur made his way to the central pillar to be heard by his brothers and sisters.

You could instead use commas to separate out the parenthesized information as it is considered a non-essential clause.

quote:

Thinking this over, Valdur observed it was out of character for the King.

Rather than just saying 'it' you could describe what actions were out of character--just for clarity.

quote:

As Valdur pondered this the situation grew stranger and stranger.

Should be a comma after pondered.

quote:

However he'd noticed the other DragonLords staring at him.

As with after however.

quote:

His council of course, expected answers to the problem at hand, not speculation as to the motives behind their authority.

I believe it should be written, "His council, of course, expected answers to the problem at hand, not speculation as to the motives behind the authority.
The 'of course' has commas because it is non-essential, and the comma after hand is there to separate the two complete clauses.

quote:

The future he saw, with SlugWrath and DragonLords was a dreary one indeed.

There shouldn't be a comma after 'saw'.

quote:

Zogg replied in turn "Now, we may have been allies...

There should be either a comma or a period before the dialogue.

quote:

He was a fairly old man, specializing in magic but was very wise.

Should be a comma after 'magic', as it is part of a non-essential phrase.

quote:

It would seem whatever secrets Deidelus knew of It, he had taken with him to his grave.

Probably should just replace 'It' with talk of the fire itself, as you are directly referring to it anyway. I only suggest this because it would ease readability.

quote:

One of the Knights turned to the other

Should be a comma after 'other' as dialogue comes next.

quote:

As the other knight began to answer they heard a muffled sound coming from the back room which was the last one to check.

Should be a comma after 'answer' as it is part of the introduction to the sentence. Also, you could probably reword the remaining portion to something like, "they heard a muffled sound coming from the last room." I suggest this to reduce wordiness.


Thus ends my reading of the prologue. Besides the grammar I mentioned, the content seemed good. I'll keep reading, and, if you'd like, I can also keep editing for grammar. The latter is your choice.
AQ DF  Post #: 143
3/19/2012 18:20:10   
Glais
Member

Thanks for those fixes, I'll add it all once I can get hold of a computer. Heh, sure looks like I have a way to go gramatically speaking.

And wow, I can't believe I even wrote that Muffled Room sentence. I am usually much better with catching run ons...


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/19/2012 19:29:51 >
DF MQ  Post #: 144
3/19/2012 23:14:36   
Glais
Member

Ok, first half or third of Chapter 8 is up. I like it so far compared to my first draft.

Also added Stromy's fixes, thanks!


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/20/2012 1:05:22 >
DF MQ  Post #: 145
3/20/2012 4:18:57   
lordkaho
Creative!


Wait, Zairo's been magically poisoned? Unless that mace was magically enchanted, I thought he was simply knocked out, and being a Giant, his body was just recuperating from an otherwise fatal blow to the head.

Emotion sure is quirky.
DF MQ  Post #: 146
3/20/2012 4:27:22   
Glais
Member

The mace was apparently...dipped in it or something. Honestly, that was really only added because any sane person would've noticed him still breathing. Actually, no, that makes a LOT more sense LK. Plus, if I get rid of the magic toxin, I can use this explain their powers more.

EDIT:That has been changed. Why did I even go against it in the first place...

Yeah I noticed that, Emotion was far more serious in their first meeting. Regardless, I like writing him, he's...fun I guess.

I also realized I have no idea how to introduce Vision...which is worse since he is sort of the main antagonist.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/20/2012 4:45:39 >
DF MQ  Post #: 147
3/20/2012 5:16:36   
lordkaho
Creative!


He seems to be turning out to be a pretty interesting character, Emotion I mean. He's like a less crazy version of Sheogorath from The Elder Scrolls.

DF MQ  Post #: 148
3/20/2012 5:19:43   
Glais
Member

I have some fun stuff planned for him, while he may seem a bit...ditzy, he will definitely earn his keep.

Ah I've heard of Sheogorath xD Funny stuff.
DF MQ  Post #: 149
3/20/2012 12:26:56   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


Interesting new cha-

*Dodges spoilers.*
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 150
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