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RE: (Pre-DF) Past Present Discussion

 
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3/20/2012 17:48:14   
Starstruck
Member

Proofreader powers - away!

First two headings already have me concerned. You need to have spaces after colons: like this, not:like this. Unless you're trying to prove a point, I guess, but it makes me...itchy...

quote:

After several moments ,for it was a large room

This should be immediately apparent.
quote:

We have fought bravely for his majesty the king for many years, some of us, our entire lives.

His Majesty the King (stylistic), no comma after "us". Minor errors, both of them, so they should be corrected easily.
quote:

The first one to speak out, was Zogg, and his voice carried malice in it.

There's no comma after "out", unless your emphasis is all on "the first one to speak out" and not "Zogg".
quote:

At the same time, this left Valdur distant; receding into his own thoughts...Many of our number have been lost; we are dwindling by the day.

This semicolon treats the last phrase as a complete clause, which is incorrect. Either change it to a comma or add a subject to the next clause. This is a fairly easy and common mistake so I included a correct example from later in the text for comparison.
quote:

However Valdur noticed an advantage, the other High DragonLords had yet to decide, he could still sway them to his cause. However the room was tense, and he would need to choose his words carefully.
Double comma splice all the way across the skyyyy~ there should be a comma after However, as it is an adverb phrase. I would eliminate the second However to decrease repetition. Suggested fix is "However, Valdur noticed an advantage; the other High DragonLords had yet to decide, so he could still sway them to his cause. Unfortunately, the room was tense, so he would..."
quote:

We are a proud people, I would simply like the rest of the world to gain such freedoms as our country..."
Your scene is getting more and more tense. Don't drag out that sentence; split it in two.
quote:

for many years my brother,

Comma after "Years" is best to improve the flow of the sentence.
quote:

I think it is only fitting that we gain a new leader, as such I challenge you for leadership!"
End the sentence after "leader" Then, add a comma after "As such". This makes the second sentence less about how Zogg wants a new leader and more about how he challenges Valdur for leadership.
quote:

As he spoke Zogg rose to meet Valdur
quote:

You've grown soft Valdur.
quote:

Perhaps he was right even.
An optional fix would be to add a comma after "spoke", "soft", and "right".
quote:

the war without casualties, would you allow me to speak neighbor.
I personally am proficient in neighbor. Feel free to ask me something in neighbor :P I would suggest ending the sentence at "casualties" and making the last part more forceful and independent. Also maybe adding a question mark. That seems important.
quote:

same odd hair color:white. However, they did not look related which made the anomaly even more baffling. Zairo remembered his father also having White hair. But this was the first person besides him he'd seen with it.
That colon again, and a random capitalization. Just bringing them to your attention in case you want to fix them.
quote:

One of the Elves had spotted far out in the Ocean, a Kraken.
Move "a Kraken" to just after "spotted", please.
quote:

"This can bring no good" he stated
Commas come after speech unless they end the sentence. Ex. "Look out for that squid statue," said Billy. "It can bring no good." He kicked it into the water.

Non-Grammatical analysis (and notes)!

quote:

be sent to a keep far to the North known as Riverine Keep
Oh noooooo! ;_; I just know what's going to happen next.

Seems like a really gripping story so far. It seems like the kind of story that people speculate upon what's going to happen next; something with lots of great twists in it. We know the beginning now, and the end, but this is a story about the middle, which is fantastic.

EDIT: I don't really know if these were already found :/ I just know that I found them, so they probably weren't.

< Message edited by Starstruck -- 3/20/2012 17:49:52 >
DF MQ  Post #: 151
3/20/2012 18:26:17   
Glais
Member

Thank you StarStruck, I'll get on those corrections. I have quite a lot to learn in the ways of grammar xD
I had no idea at all about the Colon thing...

EDIT:Completed all fixes, thanks again StarStruck.

Anyhow thank you for reading, glad you seem to have enjoyed it.

@DDL:Heh xD


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/21/2012 18:19:09 >
DF MQ  Post #: 152
3/22/2012 19:06:56   
Evil Torn
Member

Time to return a favor.

Very interesting story, I love how it's told from the past of DF. Very nice detail with imagery, and dialogue is pretty good. Overall, very interesting story. I'll post more in-depth critique whenever I have time.

~E.T.
AQ DF  Post #: 153
3/23/2012 20:30:24   
Razen
Member

Well, FINALLY got around to reading this portion of Ch8, and I do like how Emotion is flowing so far. Although, I suppose you should continue by cutting over to say the Golden King again maybe? Sarkalos again? Drahzn? Someone, unless...Zairo and Vendagar are going to find Victory and amazingness on their journey back to Riverine.

I'd say the Golden King myself. Since...it'd be interesting to learn how he does things when he isn't trying to murder someone.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 154
3/23/2012 21:24:03   
lordkaho
Creative!


^

Sarkalos is pretty interesting, for the fact alone that he's also a giant- a race rarely touched upon by the spot light (will in DF, we do have Nivalis). Though I have been wondering, during Sarkalos journey to the Sandsea, what was up with the light elemental guard's accent? I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Seems a mix of British and Australian accents.

Anyway, the Golden King is definitely one of those names that makes you run away in fear just by hearing it. In fact it sounds more intimidating than *insert whatever evil sounding adjective here* Lord.
DF MQ  Post #: 155
3/24/2012 0:39:28   
Glais
Member

! O: Comments!

Thanks Torn, I await the critique then.

Hm, funny guys, Nivalis is the sole reason this story turned out as it did. His awesomeness made me like Giants so much I made Valdur, Sarkalos, and Zairo (as well as his 3 brothers) Giants. Originally, they were Vartai which is pretty odd for a DragonLord to be. Giant is far cooler in my opinion.

As for the Light Guard...horrible attempt at recreating Mohammed Abdul's accent from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure the Abridged Series. Plus, I just wanted to try out accents, it does sound a little weird, but it's a learning experience.

Golden King...hmmm. Well, I'm not really sure where to go with him, but I do think it is a good idea to develop his character more. I have many things planned for him in the far off future though. His "strange way of fighting" is something of a hint, though it's a bit too subtle for me to expect anyone to get. Eye Beams MIGHT help...probably not though.
DF MQ  Post #: 156
3/24/2012 1:13:12   
lordkaho
Creative!


quote:

Nivalis is the sole reason this story turned out as it did. His awesomeness made me like Giants so much


Haha, I knew it.

quote:

but it's a learning experience.


No harm in experimenting. It adds variety to the character.

DF MQ  Post #: 157
3/24/2012 1:14:53   
Glais
Member

xD Well, Nivalis is just *refrainsfromusing"cool"* nice.

Yeah, I've been trying to work with more detail, less breaks (that was the whole point of chapter 5 actually) etc. Writing is certainly more fun than I would have first thought.
DF MQ  Post #: 158
3/26/2012 19:33:02   
Glais
Member

Next segment of Chapter 8 is up! I like where this is going...

Will, of course, be touching it up.

So here's what's planned so far.

Chapter 9:Riverine Battle
Chapter 10:Wind Trainer, this will help set up future training bits. *Most* of them shouldn't be as long as this was. Light and Dark will probably stand out though.



< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 4/5/2012 2:05:30 >
DF MQ  Post #: 159
3/26/2012 20:39:55   
Razen
Member

quote:

"So there you have it my friends, the fruits of my labor."


Comma after 'So'.

quote:

"Very impressive Mr. Zixx. So now all that remains is to find a way to spread it, yes?"


Comma after 'impressive', 'So', and 'now', I'm pretty sure. Maybe have DD verify on this one.

quote:

"Yes Drageth, from there it should be fairly simple. We will need to work at containing it though. Wouldn't want a world of crazy wolfmen now would we? Eheheh..."


Comma after 'Yes'.

As well, the Golden King...right THERE? This is interesting. I assume someone's dying though.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 160
3/26/2012 20:44:50   
Glais
Member

Basically, the Golden King is the king of the AQ world. ShadowScythe plotting in my kingdom? GOLDEN RAGE

The continuation should also reveal something interesting about the Golden King and his home, as well as his people. It will also explain how he beat Innocentius.

And I'll fix those soon as I can, thanks for reading.
EDIT:Fixes done.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/26/2012 21:08:19 >
DF MQ  Post #: 161
3/27/2012 15:47:47   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@glaisaurus_x: Wait, are these the same events as the "Hall of Memories"? Darkovia didn't exist back then, nor did the darkness that dwells there now. The Shadowscythe truly left their mark on Luminovia.

quote:

'So', and 'now'


I think it depends on what glaisaurus_x wants to put emphasis. "So, now" sounds a bit like he is trying to get the conversation going again. Two commas seem strange though.

quote:

Perhaps the entity simply does not consider him a valid threat?


did
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 162
3/27/2012 18:13:44   
Glais
Member

Right, what was I thinking...how could I forget something so crucial as Luminovia! I need to play AQ far more often.
Seriously...a mistake that big xD I should've spotted this chapters ago when I first mentioned Darkovia! I remembered all the random details EXCEPT that xP
Will get to rewriting things when I get hold of a computer.

Actually DDL was right there, that was sort of the emphasis there.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/28/2012 15:38:30 >
DF MQ  Post #: 163
3/28/2012 20:25:44   
Glais
Member

Chapter 8's done now.

I feel a bit rough on the ending, but overall it should serve well.

Wondering if anyone will make...certain connections >_>


In retrospect, I am not quite happy with it. Revisions as usual, meh. It's too...normal.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/28/2012 23:47:29 >
DF MQ  Post #: 164
3/29/2012 11:27:17   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Updates that I wasn't informed about? Damn, I need to read around more. I'll read the next few chapters I have missed...
DF  Post #: 165
3/29/2012 18:18:49   
Glais
Member

Oh, sorry about that. I stopped sending mass PMs since I figured they were irritating, like I was trying to force people to read. If you want I can notify you whenever a new chapter is up. I usually update weekly though.


Going to rewrite Chapter 8's ending now. Sorry for so many revisions as of late, I'll take these into greater consideration next chapter...
No, Chapter 8 is just short. Stupid of me to ruin the flow just to meet a certain length standard.


ALSO...ROADBLOCK....turns out Hall of Memories' Events were 900 years ago. I have no idea what I intend to do now...


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/29/2012 19:56:36 >
DF MQ  Post #: 166
3/30/2012 5:25:36   
lordkaho
Creative!


Zixx? Well, that's a familiar face. I do wonder long Gnomes' lifespans are.

How did Sensaza's scythe get in the possession of Drageth when "it" was with Senyaza himself and the other DmKs who were proposing an alliance with Sarkalos?

Luminovia, never played AQ much but I've heard that from Dwelling DL before.

quote:

"Aye. The Golden King's child was...born with the gift."


Why have I missed this line? So much implications that spoiler tags probably wouldn't be enough.

And speaking of the Golden King, Drageth sure is in a real heap right now.
DF MQ  Post #: 167
3/30/2012 11:52:48   
Glais
Member

Zixx was already used? I'd thought that was Yix, I'll be changing it then, he's not meant to be one of the Gnomes we know.

You know...I should have planned that out better, I'll fix that up.

As for the Golden King's child, it's simply Senyaza revealing to Sarkalos that Vendagar is a Weapon as well.
DF MQ  Post #: 168
3/30/2012 12:29:11   
lordkaho
Creative!


Oh sorry. Got their names mixed up, it's Yix.

Anyway, now are we going to expect some-

spoiler:

"I am your father..." moments?
DF MQ  Post #: 169
3/30/2012 18:12:37   
Glais
Member

Doubt it. I'm not sure Ven will ever even get to meet him, and if he does.
spoiler:

He will never know it was him.
DF MQ  Post #: 170
4/1/2012 0:14:42   
Glais
Member

Chapter 9's done.

I like it, though I feel the ending could stand to be a bit longer.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do as far as Hall of Memories goes, so at the moment, just treat it as "somehow it works, even though it doesn't."

I had something from older chapters I wished to fix up, but I don't remember what it was...
DF MQ  Post #: 171
4/5/2012 18:56:03   
Shajidh
Banned


"You deny my divine gifts?"

"Yes, yes I do. Well, buh-bye now!" That's wassup.

Overall, I love the story, especially your keen thinking of making the plot before DF. I recommend this to be printed and sold as a book, please!

I predict a strong fire-caused pain for Zairo.

< Message edited by Shajidh -- 4/5/2012 19:02:16 >


_____________________________

My AQWorlds Characters:
http://www.aq.com/aw-character.asp?id=Shajidh
http://www.aq.com/aw-character.asp?id=Sir%20David555
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AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 172
4/5/2012 20:03:47   
Glais
Member

Thanks for reading. Everyone seems to get through it so fast, maybe my chapters are too short...

Anyhow, yeah I had several specific reasons for this to be before DF. The main one is that, my Characters=/=the DF Protagonist, so I did not want that confusion. Their story's entirely different and I didn't want them bound to the conflicts the DF protagonist has. I also dislike specific representations of the DF Protagonist, since to be canon he must be as vague as possible.
DF MQ  Post #: 173
4/5/2012 21:32:26   
Razen
Member

*Obligatory Comment Time*

Anyways, a Djiin is how you're handling fire? Well, I suppose it slightly one-ups Khelgar FistIron.

Also,
quote:

He'd had no idea he'd made it this far back in the cave, time had moved by much quicker than it felt it seemed.


I can't exactly advise what to put, but remove one of the "he'd"s to avoid repetition.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 174
4/5/2012 22:03:51   
Glais
Member

I'm not saying he's a Djinn but...

The main reason I don't want to actually say he is, is that while in AQ (and DF sort of) Djinn were just powerful Elementals, I don't want the AQW misconception of "TEH OMNIPOTENTZ" and such.

Riverine will be a lot different from future arcs. This one, they had the whole contingent training them. The rest will all be mostly 1 master.

As for that sentence, I'll think of a way to fix it, thanks for reading.
DF MQ  Post #: 175
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