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Amon the Chaosweaver discussion thread

 
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6/5/2012 20:17:54   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


This is a simple discussion for my newest story: Amon the Chaosweaver. You can find it under the dragonfable section of the AE fanfiction.
DF  Post #: 1
6/5/2012 22:20:12   
Mortarion
Member

I like it, but there should be a link in both htreads, one here leading to the storie, and other in the storie leading to the commentaries.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
6/6/2012 9:18:05   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


Here is the link to the story,I'll post another link in the story to here.


http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20373091

_____________________________

"There are no men like me...there's only me."
-Jaime Lannister
DF  Post #: 3
6/10/2012 17:22:20   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


First, some grammatical errors:
quote:

Vaal: Well done apprentice. You have outdone yourself this time.
Amon: Ha! Apprentice...!
Vaal: What do you mean by that?
Amon: It's just odd because you still picture me as the apprentice!
Vaal: Fine,minion
This is a tad confusing. This section of your story is formatted a lot differently than the rest of your story; it seems more like a script or a screenplay than traditional writing. I would recommend changing it to suit the rest of the story.
quote:

Amon scoffed. "you act as if you are better than I hahaha!"
Amon scoffed, "You act as if you are better than I! Hahaha!"
quote:

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" and he disappeared into the shadows laughing.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" He disappeared into the shadows laughing.
quote:

Any normal person would see just a dark,dirty old alleyway,then again Jack wasn't normal.
Any normal person would just see a dark, dirty, old alleyway. Then again, Jack wasn't normal.
quote:

His eyes glowed faintly blue,as he searched for the chaosweaver.
His eyes faintly glowed blue as he searched for the ChaosWeaver.
quote:

It's scent was familiar. Searching his memories he tried to recall the scent.
Its scent was familiar. Searching his memories, he tried to recall the scent.
quote:

"Long time no see. Hmm? Whats the matter cat got your tongue? EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE!!!"
"Long time no see. Hmm? What's the matter, cat got your tongue? EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE!!!"
quote:

It held up it's hands.
It held up its hands.
quote:

He saw his old friend,Acreon on his dragon.
He saw his old friend, Acreon, on his dragon.
quote:

"I have something to show you." Acreon replied. His beard blowing slightly in the wind.
"I have something to show you." Acreon replied, his beard blowing slightly in the wind.
quote:

They flew high over the sky,leaving Falconreach,heading towards Priestess Elysa's clearing.
They flew high over the sky, leaving Falconreach, heading towards Priestess Elysia's clearing.
quote:

They wen into the forest next to the house along the trail until they reached a cave.
They went into the forest next to the house along the trail until they reached a cave.

Second, I would suggest starting a new paragraph whenever a different character is speaking. For example:

Before:
Amon scoffed. "you act as if you are better than I hahaha!" "I am the master of the chaosweavers!" Vaal stormed. "I created the art!" he shot a web at Amon,who nimbly jumped to the side. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" and he disappeared into the shadows laughing. "I know it..." Vaal said grimly. "I know."

After:
Amon scoffed, "You act as if you are better than I! Hahaha!"

"I am the master of the ChaosWeavers!" Vaal stormed. "I created the art!" He shot a web at Amon, who nimbly jumped to the side.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" He disappeared into the shadows laughing.

"I know it..." Vaal said grimly. "I know."

All this aside, you've got an interesting story brewing so far. Can't wait to see how the stories of Amon and Jack tie together!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
6/10/2012 17:44:50   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


Alright, I will try to make less errors! Glad you enjoy it! Hey! More people should post in this thread. I will not continue the story until I get a suggestion for a big twist. I will use 1 suggested character. No deaths of any big people. You can suggest 1 new character or monster. No more. No continuations until you do. ;P

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 6/15/2012 12:30:57 >
DF  Post #: 5
6/16/2012 18:46:44   
Mortarion
Member

Hmm an idea, why not make hte powers that helped AMon be some sort of parasite that is growing inside of him? And a suggested character, you could use my CW, Ra'aret who could help you master the being so you can control it
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
6/17/2012 14:42:25   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


I do like that idea. I suppose I could include Ra'aeret. Sorry,forgot his name. Well *cracks knuckles* continuation time.

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 6/17/2012 14:43:53 >
DF  Post #: 7
6/19/2012 18:26:38   
Glais
Member

Eh, whenever the canon characters get trumped it always feels a bit...off.

Story feels kinda random to me, just jumps around a lot.
DF MQ  Post #: 8
6/19/2012 18:31:06   
Mortarion
Member

Yeah Amon, gotta make more transition chapters that describe how the character got frm place A to place B, add more on whath appens inside Amon's head, those kind of htigns
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
6/19/2012 21:05:42   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


Guys you can complain all ya want all summer,I am going away and will not be able to work on it for a while,and I know it is random at the moment,that is the point. i am trying to make my story different you see,instead of making the entire thing straight forward,it starts off that you don't know what is really going on,and it keeps "solidifying" as the story goes on. And you don't know all of the details until the very end. Don't worry,this wasn't going to be a quickly scribbled,confusing story,this took a lot of thought believe it or not. ;)

P.S feel free to advertise on my behalf tehehem >:)
DF  Post #: 10
6/19/2012 21:09:58   
Glais
Member

Constructive Criticism=\=complaining...but whatever. Just saying, it feels off.

DF MQ  Post #: 11
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