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RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary

 
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2/2/2013 23:01:34   
The White Knight
Member

Part III of story #2 has now been posted, any feedback is appreciated !
AQ DF  Post #: 101
2/2/2013 23:17:36   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Know this. I'm finished with the next chapter of my story. It's slightly shorter than the previous ones, but at least it conveys the desparation of the scene, and how badly I want to fight and win. Whether you are enemy or friend, I guarantee your respect for our cause will increase. Hadrian is a new character, one that I've created solely for the purpose of fighting in this war - but now, with the rush of inspiration I've had, he's now going to take on a life of his own.

I would appreciate some feedback - and I must say this war has indeed brought out the creative side of everyone involved in the conflict. Here now, I hope to change some minds - possibly influence others, but above all, give respect to the Paladins, for we've fought incredible odds, and we are holding on.

Check out my post in the Story Thread - which is titled "Right Makes Might".

< Message edited by Sir Nicholas -- 2/3/2013 0:59:21 >
AQ  Post #: 102
2/3/2013 1:19:12   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


Okay, I'm up and fully awake, now I think I might be able to make this next chapter without as much mistakes as the last two...which I'm still re-editing >.>;;
Paladin's Resolution is being slowly yet surely being created. I've also taken the liberty of updating and editing Necromancer's Justification due to GE's comment about how easy-going everyone was portrayed in their base despite there being a war going on. I've edited my story here and there to show reasons why and changed some parts of character interactions somewhat to have on more....acceptable term.

So you don't have to read the entire thing again :3

I chopped off the detailed part with the pets and some parts about the little thing on Tep's head.

quote:

"I am Lord Scorpio. Just call me Scorpio," Scorpio paused for a second, "You should know who I am as I'm one of the generals in this battle. Who are you?"

"Ah...I'm a new recruit. I just came today."Scorpio simply stood and stared at this new recruit as he was explaining himself, as if to determine whether he was telling the truth or not.


"......fight with the paladins. We could always use more support."
.
.
"What a strange recruit......" ...... the young man ran, "Why was he walking around with such a thing on his head? ....No matter, it's time to get back to the meeting." With that he left in the direction towards the center of the encampment.

quote:

Tep laughed weakly, "That's her alright..."


Chopped off a bit of dialogue with Issacc's only line in the story and Storm's response XD Also added a rifle to Death's Kid's back after reading Travis' story.

quote:

However, there were some who also fight in this war because they are loyal to the necromancers as well like Ubear. I think he might be the friendliest one of those who fight for this reason.

I've learned a lot from the necromancer's side because I was lucky enough to find a few of the necromancers who were willing to talk with me. The other necromancers I met weren't in such a talkative mood and outright attacked me because I was acting suspicious...However, it seems that even in war time, some people still act like they usually do at home in their base while others also bring the mood of the battlefield back with them to the base. At least that's what I've observed.


I wonder what I'll learn from the paladin's side and if the situation at their base is similar to the necromancer's.


Deleted the last sentence in the Necromancer's Justification chapter and either changed dark to evil or deleted it. Changed some repeating words.

Review coming up as I'm currently reading them before working on the Paladin's chapter.


REVIEWS


@Muchiha: A good chapter you've released. I had a couple chuckles here and there between the back and forth with the two groups. One thing I would like to point out, wouldn't the rogue paladins rather call themselves the Pure Paladins or True Paladins since they consider themselves the the more pure and powerful paladins? It wouldn't make sense to have them calling themselves Paladin Rogues.

@flashbang: Your stories are short and to the point. However, that's an ending a lot of people wish for with this war and it's always nice to see such a thing. The part that seemed strange to me was when you had a Stadium of Endings to end all fights when there's still a war going on, especially with overzealous paladins and wicked necromancers still roaming about. There was a high chance either one could have sabotaged the 1 on 1. Good story, you just need to work on your writing skills and I'm certain you'll soar.

@Elryn: You weren't kidding about the slow build-up but it still speaks loudly. Your new chapter with Elryn (possibly) remembering a palaver (I need to ask you where you get your vocabs I want them >.>) with Phrixus along with what was happening in the present in between was something you pulled off beautifully. Curiosity now wonders what happens next.

@Travis: After reading your new chapter I fixed a part of my story to include it. Can't believe I missed that. Back to the story. I find that Death's Kid meeting up with the same paladin from the prologue to be a bit predictable yet necessary for the story. It showed that these, what's the right word for them, ambitious paladins don't learn their lessons because they're so blinded by their dedication to their cause. It justified your reason for attacking the paladins and siding with the necromancers in this war quite well.
PS I hope you liked how I had your character in my story, if there's anything I can change please do tell me.

@UnderSoul: I finally understood Elryn's words when he posted it and he is right. But, you still kept the key core of the story, rushed or not. Interestingly enough, I wonder why an 8 year old was allowed in the base? Seems like a forced act to tug on the hearts of the reader. Then again, who am I to say since I kept trying to add some comedy to my otherwise solemn piece of work with the peace zard. Doesn't seem to work so I may stop it after the paladin's act. Moving on, your last chapter has sparked my interest as when both necromancer and paladin meet each other under the midnight sky. The ending was done quite well though short, it was done well.
PS did I portray your character correctly or should I make some more changes?

@battlemaster: In chapter 3 you've shown that even Storm did not want to face his own mother and his mother's pain of having to face her own son in chapter 4. Storm's mother, Juna, is quite the leader as she briefed her soldiers before turning them loose. Your chapters solid and the story keeps thickening. Can't wait to see more.
PS is there anything I should add or remove so it's closer to your character?

@Trainz: Your story is as solid as ever. It feels like I'm reading a professional novel. You've got talent. Now on to the story, I find it intriguing that Scion used such a devilish plan against his sworn nemesis. I also liked how you included the Forgotten into the story as well. The back and forth between him and the spawnling, Savarin, caught my attention as it seems you've had Savarin able to look deep into Scion and unsettle him.

@She Ratchet: I liked how you present a grim situation to the necromancers as they received the news of the paladin's gathering of allies. The situation of how the necromancers do not have a solid alliance between each other compared to those of the paladins. The situation seems dire for the necromancers with how you written the story. I like it.

@White Knight: Hmm...there's a joke I can make with the Satan part but jokes asides I quite liked the ending you had but then again, I'm a sucker for sappy ending >.>;; (Damn you, Disney films. Damn you I say!) A sort of rushed ending to your story so you could proceed to the next I'm assuming. Now for your Next Story...I think I'll take a rain check on that as I have other stories to read and my own to write. I will, however, read it when I finish my chapters and the review of other stories.
Btw, do tell me what you think of how I portrayed your character when Paladin's Resolution is posted.

@Kalle: This one has been a long time coming but...This is such a random piece that I could not help but to laugh. It seemed like you had fun with this piece. It's a nice break from a lot of the serious stories on here. Not to mention having the word "fiddlesticks" being a taboo word cracked me up even when I knew it was coming.
Though it does makes me wonder what kind of story you could make when you don't take a incredible turn to randomness at every single turn. This story being prime evidence.

@Cataclysm: A mercenary who, though unwilling and reluctant, accepts the offer of the paladin. His disciple, a strong paladin supporter, tried to convince him to whole-heartily to join the paladins and fight for their cause while his teacher warns him of what would happen on the battlefield. I cannot wait to read what happens next.

@Sir Nicholas, @Falerin, @Dwelling Dragonlord, @kors, @Darquess, @Heroes of the Scape, I'm a bit pressed for time to get my story out so I will have to take a rain check on reading your story for now.


Added more to Ubear's scene. Realized I didn't give him as much screen time as I thought so...
quote:

...paladin is just not my style. Besides, you ever see a friendly bear?"

One of the necromancers that dispersed shouted "I have! I've been to a circus!"

"Wild bears! I meant wild bears!" Ubear shouted back before turning his attention back to Tep only to find him gone,
"What abo-"


Deleted Tep's apology scene. Also added more to Storm's appearance. I realized I really do need to double check and triple read my stories before putting them up >.>;; A lot of the magic has been taken out because of the editing even if it makes the story better. *sighs* >.>;;

EDIT...again: Got permission to use Drakeh's character so the interaction between him and Ubear will have more to it

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/3/2013 11:18:57 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 103
2/3/2013 5:59:27   
hict98
Member

@Muchiha great story so far. It is usually hard to make the opening good, but you did it. I can't wait to see the rest of it.
@battlemaster when I read it I imagined Silverwing's to be Jane Lynch, I don't know why, I just did. Overall I loved the story.
@US Just my favorite part.
quote:

The commanders were at the war table considering plans. "I have an idea!" said Smog, "How about we-" Muchiha cut him off, "No spoons." A disappointed Smog trudged out to the battlefield to mope while waiting for the Paladins.
AQ AQW  Post #: 104
2/3/2013 12:47:28   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@Cataclysm: A very good story. Somewhat similair to my own tone, but more business-like.

@Sir Nicholas: Your review.

quote:

Though it need not be said the life of a fighter was always fraught with peril, leaving little time for hygeine, this was an odor that churned his stomach - made his gorge rise, and very nearly made him retch.

hygiene

quote:

Hadrian thought <> the sight and smell of these hideous things disgusting, but the revulsion he felt only increased the sense of righteous fury that gripped his heart. It was innocent souls being ripped from the afterlife and returned into a vile parody of a living thing.

at, were

quote:

Wielding weapons ranging from swords and spears to axes and maces, all of which were blessed and made to shine with the power of <> Light.

the(?)

quote:

The vanguard of the army consisted of Artix's elite guard; the captains, dressed in gold armor and wielding large swords and shields.

golden

quote:

These vile creatures may have numbers<>

.

quote:

Cease to poison this world with your presence and give human beings to the curse of undeath.

What are you trying to say here? That doesn't sound like what a paladin would say.

quote:

We have made them tremble and bleed, we have fought them everywhere - in our homes, and on our fields, and in our lands.

You mention blood, but are you talking about the undead here?


A fine story so far.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 105
2/3/2013 14:40:21   
battlemaster25
Member

quote:

@battlemaster: In chapter 3 you've shown that even Storm did not want to face his own mother and his mother's pain of having to face her own son in chapter 4. Storm's mother, Juna, is quite the leader as she briefed her soldiers before turning them loose. Your chapters solid and the story keeps thickening. Can't wait to see more.
PS is there anything I should add or remove so it's closer to your character?


Yeah, chapter IV was basically intended to be character development for Juna. Like Storm, she doesn't look forward to their confrontation, but she believes that she has no choice. Unfortunately, the rest of the story will have to wait, because I have two different endings planned, depending on which side wins the war. So, naturally, I have to wait until it's over.

As for Storm's appearance in your story, you did a pretty good job. Although, Storm would be more serious than usual if he were reading the letter from his mother....
AQ  Post #: 106
2/3/2013 15:14:24   
The White Knight
Member

OMG @TEP I TOTALLY FORGOT I WAS IN YOUR STORY!!!! !!! I didn't know it was posted give me 10 minutes to read it!

Edit: At tep, I really like the journal Idea, and the way you describe things, but I didn't read myself in any of your story ! Other than that, your story is flipping awesome ! Notify me when Paladin's Resolution is out! Also, the reason I rushed, is because I wanted to get it out in 5 parts, and I had no idea how to make it seem so sad, and keep not much action in the ending. I kinda extended my 5 part limit to an 8 part limit, so it won't seem AS RUSHED

Part 7 for my story is up. I would love any reviews!


Edited: only three smiley allowed per post. -Shadow Ravena, AK

< Message edited by Shadow Ravena -- 2/3/2013 20:31:18 >
AQ DF  Post #: 107
2/3/2013 15:25:29   
Darquess
Member

Put my story up. I had no idea that such a place existed for fan content.

I have enjoyed everyone's stories so far.
Some are quick and to the point, like a bad-ass action movie.

Some are long and rolling, like the lord of the rings films.

Mine is sort of a comination, but I endevour to make chapters fairly short.
Its a sort of commentry on the two sides in the conflict, both before and in the begining of the war.

It will evolve as the percentages evolve, so if you want the padlins to slaughter a massive army, the percentages must improve or exceed the necromancers...and vice versa.

I look forward to continuing. And it will not be altogether cannon, obviously, but I'll endevour to be as realistic and loyal to the lore as possible.
So no god battle's and planet destroying...

probably.

EDIT: Also added chapters titles, numbers and font and size changes to help seperate the story out.

< Message edited by Darquess -- 2/3/2013 15:55:46 >


_____________________________

IN DARKNESS TAKEN
AS I WILL
SO MOTE IT BE!!!
Post #: 108
2/3/2013 17:03:45   
kors
Member

Oh, yeah forgot. Part IV is up! TWK hope you like your special weapon or should I say spell?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 109
2/3/2013 17:06:00   
The White Knight
Member

@Kors I DO!! !

< Message edited by The White Knight -- 2/3/2013 17:08:36 >
AQ DF  Post #: 110
2/3/2013 17:33:55   
Darquess
Member

whats with the spoons?

Is it because of that egg's guide to minecraft video?


Anyone read mine yet?

< Message edited by Darquess -- 2/3/2013 17:34:18 >
Post #: 111
2/3/2013 17:37:47   
UnderSoul
Member

@TWK Liking the story, but what's with you constantly killing me off?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 112
2/3/2013 20:19:04   
kors
Member

Well since I said that I would give a spoiler to my story when Necromancers got to 35% I guess I should stay true to my word. Here it is:

quote:

Everyone’s jaws dropped at the sight of it, many quite literally. It seemed like it was the secret spell of the Paladin forces judging by the reactions of the three former Paladins in the group. The stunned silence that followed the blinding light of the explosion was almost as deafening of the explosion. After everyone recovered from shock, and the skeletons reattached their jaws, the group began running full sprint to the battalion's aid.

Kor hoped that he would be able to pull the others with him into the slowed down pace of time. There was no time to spare, but pulling them to a point where time does not flow would be impossible for him or any other Chronomancers. Pulling others would be difficult and tiring but the calverley need to get there quick, and he had the power to speed it up.


It is only the first two paragraphs for the part but otherwise I hope it satisfies those who like it!

Part V is up! and with that I must go for the night. (curse you school nights! curse you!)

< Message edited by kors -- 2/3/2013 22:24:58 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 113
2/3/2013 22:45:01   
Trainz_07
Member

Chapter 3 has been posted. Originally I had wanted to include a section involving Coueraservi, but I realized I needed more time to work on the battle scenes as well as contributing to the actual war, so I decided not to write about him for now. I hope you will enjoy this part of my story. Critique and criticism are welcomed, you have permission to rip my story apart and nitpick everything down to the bone.

@Tep Itaki Thank you very much for your review, I'm glad that you liked the chapter =)

Your review:

quote:

After hours of sitting on the soft grass of the plains and writing into his research journal what Tep observed between the fighting of both


Should be writing into his research journal about what Tep observed.

Another issue (completely of my own opinion) is well, I know that by 'his research journal' you are referring to Tep. But as you have written 'his research journal what Tep observed', some readers might misinterpret and assume that someone else is recording what Tep observed. Ahh but I don't think it's too big of a problem.

quote:

both sides their reason


Reasons.

quote:

paladin's side and find out why they started this war


Should be paladins' side, since you're referring to more than one. Same applies to necromancers.

quote:

Artimix wore a serious and gentle face


Hmm I think it would be more appropriate if you wrote that he wore a serious but at the same time gentle face.

quote:

his mind was set. Tep would head to the necromancer's side of the battlefield and he could ask them why they're participating in the war


Should be would. Since he has already made up his mind.

quote:

Two birds with a flying pen.


Nothing wrong here, I just wanted to point out that I was very amused by this

quote:

if you could be as kind as to show me her location


should be so

quote:

but without pausing and a solemn face


Should be with a solemn face

Plotwise I think it was an excellent chapter, you managed to shed light on each of the character's personality and their reasons for participating in the war. I liked the cliffhanger-ish ending, it certainly gets one excited for the next chapter.

I see that there are plenty of new additions to everyone's stories, I'll try to read them all when I have the time.

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/4/2013 22:23:00 >
AQ  Post #: 114
2/3/2013 23:47:39   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


@Tep

Read books, lots and lots of them (Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrel series hit the gentleman spot in those regards)

I would look forward to reading that, Trainz, if I was not so busy writing myself.

A slight update on the next chapter: so it seems it is not quite ready yet today either. On the plus side, there should be quite a bit of reading for that chapter. I currently have it at 7 pages without it being entirely finished nor polished. Hopefully, I may get this one up some time on the morrow.
AQ  Post #: 115
2/4/2013 0:20:32   
The White Knight
Member

@Undersoul, I promise when me and Popin Co-Author, we will keep you alive ! Your name is so hard to incorporate though! If you gave me something easier, like PRINCE Scorpio and status was Lord Nero, I could have switched your roles ! I need good names to make you survive :/ I can say I haven't been given the best though
AQ DF  Post #: 116
2/4/2013 4:13:08   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


The 5th chapter of my story, Paladins' Resolution, is up. I hope to hear what you guys think about it and if there's anything I can do to make it better.

@Trainz: Thank you for pointing those out. I've fixed it all before I uploaded the chapter.

@Elryn: Ah thanks, Now I know the exact authors to seek out.


Also, to the forumites whose characters they let me use in their story: If there's anything wrong about the way I depicted your characters in my story, please tell me what do so that the characters will be closer to what you guys have them as. Thank you.

Reviews will be up for any stories I haven't read yet after I get some sleep.

Added a teaser :3 Word of warning: There's a risk of you wanting to really read the next chapter as soon as possible when I haven't even released it. So unless you can wait, try to not read the spoilers if you can.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that I injected a small little canon about a war hero in the story. See if you can find it in Paladins' Resolution. A delicious cookie, cake and pie awaits. Pie may come with scary clown.


< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/4/2013 8:14:55 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 117
2/4/2013 14:27:42   
Golden Emperor
Member

Another enjoyable chapter Tep, I especially liked your descIpition of GE: Hair that defied gravity and blood red eyes lol.

Never ever heard of zombay before. o_o
AQ  Post #: 118
2/4/2013 14:35:44   
Darquess
Member

Have added another chapter to the page.
Now there are five full chapters to my story.

EDIT: And another.
That makes six chapters.

I had to add some Lords that I read about in your stories.
They are only passing refrences and will remain so unless you ask for a bigger or smaller part.
For the time being, Im just bringing the Lords together for a chit-chat, but your's can always strom off or not turn up...

< Message edited by Darquess -- 2/4/2013 17:11:15 >
Post #: 119
2/4/2013 17:18:57   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


@Darquess: Making my job harder huh? No matter I will get all the reviews done today! And then proceed to the next chapter.

Glad you liked it GE and glad I portrayed your character in a satisfactory way.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/4/2013 17:24:10 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 120
2/4/2013 17:26:16   
UnderSoul
Member

@Tep Wait... Zombay? Like Zombay Jesus? Anyways yet another excellent chapter.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 121
2/4/2013 17:31:59   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


@UnderSoul: Yup, the very same person, who was missing, that Tep wrote about his journal. This was in the prologue.

Reviews still being done. Currently deciding whether or not I should become the grammar nazi or continue with what I've done so far.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/4/2013 17:32:59 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 122
2/4/2013 17:34:38   
UnderSoul
Member

@Tep In any case your story is going to be great. As long as you don't do something like a certain other did. killing me off, raising me from the dead and killing me off a second time.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 123
2/4/2013 17:34:52   
Golden Emperor
Member

I would continue the story any day of the week Tep, after all, it's the story's content that matters.
AQ  Post #: 124
2/4/2013 17:44:08   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


@Undersoul: Uh...um...hmm...You probably shouldn't have said that >.>;; Just kidding. I won't spoil what ideas I have for this story just yet. The most I'll spoil are in the teasers.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/4/2013 17:51:19 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 125
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