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RE: =AQ= Truphma Camps Chronicles commentary

 
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3/12/2013 12:38:08   
Trainz_07
Member

@Archmopecake

Thanks very much for taking the time to read my story, it really means a lot to me =D

I've made several tweaks as per your suggestions, except for the intricate=beautiful part. Your point and explanation are very much valid, and I do agree with you. However, after doing some reflecting, I realized that when I wrote this sentence, I wasn't focusing on its intrinsic beauty. Rather I was thinking about the detail and elaboration of the design, hence why I mentioned the variegated stonework. Additionally, perhaps it wasn't meant to be beautiful, considering the mood of the 'sculptor' when he made it XD

Nevertheless, I really appreciate your critique and the effort you put into it, I will try my best to improve =) Thanks again, and if you ever get around to reading my Edge of Extinction story, I hope that you'll enjoy it.
AQ  Post #: 51
5/6/2013 18:16:07   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


*makes a note to get that silacrum spell working to have more time to read*

*chuckles* Another day perhaps. The story read so far are fun to read. I went ahead and made a small one chapter story. Hopefully, it shall be enjoyable.

Write on.
AQ  Post #: 52
5/6/2013 18:18:10   
kors
Member

Man someone still was working on one for this event? Maybe I should get mine going again... or post the part I have that I never posted.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 53
5/6/2013 18:55:36   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


Seeing as it is ongoing, I see no reason not to.
AQ  Post #: 54
5/6/2013 18:59:18   
kors
Member

Well it seemed like it died off, no one posted anything for months...
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 55
5/8/2013 1:35:21   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


There seems to be typos that I've noticed.

quote:

In truth, the war between themselves had been more damaging than any war against any sort of monsters they had beared witness to. . Rixi, Cataclysm and a number of other friends that had been dragged into the fray and injured as a result.


Do you perhaps mean they bore witness? As it is the past tense of bear. Also, there's an extra period that you've seem to have added after witness.

quote:

With feline prudence, Elryn snucked up to the tent nearest him and peeked over the side.


There is no need to add the -ed to snuck as snuck is the past tense of sneak.

and that's all for the easy ones to find

Also, many thanks for including Tep and Artimix in your story. I'm quite certain you already received my PM (p.s. I've also added another thing to the typo that i noticed that i forgot to mention in the pm >.>;;)

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 5/8/2013 1:41:18 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 56
5/8/2013 7:19:23   
Trainz_07
Member

@kors It's not techically dead....just in a catatonic state. Anyways I am in the process of updating my story, fingers crossed that I can push through writer's block.

@Elryn Ahh yet another enjoyable read, I liked how you so deftly established the setting. Any AQ player would instantly recognize that you were writing about the Truphma. I also appreciated the Chromatic Deluge's cameo appearance, many thanks for that =)

The last part is of pure brilliance, and I think it truly embodies the whole 'show-don't-tell', because I found myself actively imagining Elryn moving across the lake. Each movement felt smooth and fluent. I implore you to continue writing such scenes, because they really show your artful finesse, which I'm always looking forward to read.
AQ  Post #: 57
5/10/2013 15:08:27   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


Ah right Elryn, I would like to ask if you could kindly remove Tep from your story. This is mainly because him being at the camp conflicts with my story.

My apologies for not setting that straight in the PM.

I would also like to note that it's well done in itself. I find interesting on the mysterious gentle voice of saying to remember your first winter. I wonder who it could be...

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 5/10/2013 15:13:48 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 58
5/12/2013 1:59:08   
Trainz_07
Member

Though it is long overdue, a new chapter has been added, this one happening right after the previous chapter. I must admit I did rush a bit at the end, simply because I was eager to finish the chapter. Critique and criticism are very much appreciated, and please feel free to ask for clarification. Hope you enjoy reading it.
AQ  Post #: 59
5/12/2013 6:58:09   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


@Trainz

quote:

“In regards to you previous question, you’re right, they could very well have left the city.

Your.

quote:

No if’s, but’s or any other outrageous conjunctions.”


Ifs, buts.

*chuckles* Bubble bath. That was a most entertaining read. Chapeau.

And glad you liked it. I was a tad afraid it would not do given the brevity of it. I am still not entirely happy with it, but it is heartening to know that it is still enjoyable.

@Tep

Done.
AQ  Post #: 60
5/12/2013 10:34:51   
Trainz_07
Member

@Elryn

Thank you for pointing those out, I've corrected them and the world is right once again. And many thanks for the compliments, glad you found it entertaining.

quote:

I was a tad afraid it would not do given the brevity of it.


Perish the thought! I thought it was an excellent read regardless of length, though I wouldn't mind reading it again if you do decide to edit/expand it.
AQ  Post #: 61
5/12/2013 17:06:02   
battlemaster25
Member

Hey Tep, quick question. You mentioned you were gonna PM me something to do with these stories. What was that about? 'Cause I never got one.....
AQ  Post #: 62
5/17/2013 18:56:10   
kors
Member

Part III of my story is up after the almost 3 month hiatus. I think it is going to obvious how much I wrote before the hiatus, LOL, it just feels so different from the parts that came before.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 63
5/23/2013 10:26:38   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


@Kors

First Chapter:

quote:

Her injuries should be well on their way to healed by now.


To be healed.

quote:

Ever since the Paladin and Necromancer war things have been too calm.


Mayhap more of a personal thing but I would place a coma in between to mark the pause.

quote:

Kor rose from his chair and moved towards the other window. Hoping to see if anything interesting was happening around his estate.


The period should be removed and the two sentences combined. The latter cannot stand as a sentence on its own.

quote:

“Come in, if you came from Battleon you must be tired.


As I recall, never put a coma before ''if''. Replace it with a period. I would also add ''then'' in between Battleon and you.

quote:

I may just end up leaving for a few days if I know what this letter is about.”


Hmm... Sounds a bit off. I would suggest this instead: ''if what this letter contains is what I think it does'' or some variation.

I shall get around to the next chapters when I can. An interesting story so far. I wonder what is in store for Rinia.
AQ  Post #: 64
5/23/2013 11:01:23   
Xion V
Member

I've never seen a story done like this before (besides a roleplay of course)!
Interesting, to say the least!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 65
5/24/2013 16:43:17   
kors
Member

Got An Unexpected Letter Part IV: A Beach Stained by Battle done! Will post it as soon as I am able to get on a computer.(thank the Elemental Lords for school computers and curse them for blocking AE releated sites) I tied it to my pet project, Chronomancer, thanks to the fact that I am writing this more than my main project. I hope you guys like the fight scene(s) I did, this would be the single longest fight scene I've written(admitedly also the second real one). I'll post as soon as I am able(likely around 6pm server time).

EDIT: And here it is!

< Message edited by kors -- 5/24/2013 19:14:18 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 66
5/28/2013 15:59:27   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


@Kors: Chapter 2 review

quote:

There were camps spread all over the western side of the inhabited Tibattleonian continent it seemed.


Battleonian.

quote:

This time he would not let any of his more useful weapons up


The wording in this sentence is a tad off. Bring ''up'' back together with ''let''. They should not be separated.

quote:

He finished packing everything he would need up and decided now was the best time to leave, the Paladin was still busy eating and everything was set for him being gone for a few days.


If you are going to have that as one sentence, replace the coma with a semicolon. This is because the sentence you have there is composed of two that could stand alone. That, or a period.

quote:

When Kor saw the massive pile of dishes and his guest his eyes widened in shock.


Coma to mark the pause.

quote:

After a few more moments, Rinia looked a bit more closely to her host.


At.

quote:

Rinia’s face shifted one of embarrassment


To in between.

That is everything for that chapter. *chuckles* Rinia has quite an appetite.
AQ  Post #: 67
5/29/2013 19:37:01   
kors
Member

Updated my story! I added the fixes Elryn recommended to Part I last time so this time I added the changes to Part II and added Part V. This went surprisingly fast, only 4 days between updates... It may be fairly short but it is almost a fifth so I am keeping it fairly consistent size wise at least.

For some reason Kor is starting to look like the Doctor isn't he? That was not intentional I can tell you. I only realized it halfway through Part V, specifically the whole bit about him being on the run. I have been on a darkness infused writing spree for the last week it seems, things have piled up and came crashing down all at once.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 68
5/29/2013 20:51:03   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


*chuckles* Faster than I may review them. Here are the next chapters:

quote:

“We are heading for a camp filled with Truphma.

Mayhap more of a personal thing, but I would say to would be better.

quote:

He hoped it was the latter

I am fairly certain you meant former. Latter refers to the one closer behind, former is the one further behind.

quote:

The many trees still lacked the vibrant buds they would sprout near the start of spring, some even had yet to sprout the green leaves that inspired the forrest's name.

This sentence has two typoes and is a bit unclear

quote:

a golden sun releasing it's light to all, at the edge gold and bronze.

Its.

quote:

Kor looked back further and saw what she was preparing to fight, a Truphma wielding a large knife.

Replace the coma with a colon.

quote:

Kor found himself standing in on the beach he just left.

Remove the ''in'', there is no need for it. Add ''had'' between he and just. As he left the beach further back in the past then when he found himself there again, the tense must indicate so.

quote:

The temple of hope stood over the white sands as an army the likes of which he has not seen in a long time.

For the same reason as the previous one, replace has by had. A verb (i.e. was invading) is also missing at the end since currently, the temple of hope is being compared to an army.

quote:

It was that day oh so long ago, one that changed much of Lore irreversibly: the day Ryuusie became Omega.

Replace the coma with a period or a semicolon. Ryuusei typo.

quote:

A cry from towards the Portal that he did not recall snapped him out of his flashback.

Bold word unneeded. The second is likely more of personal preference: I use forgotten instead of recall as it is more a matter of forgetting than remembering.

quote:

The same look of rage that Kor himself felt at that moment covered her face

The wording here needs a bit of work. Kor either felt the same rage or displayed the same look as she did, but a look cannot be felt in the way it is termed here.

quote:

The only thing that kept it from losing the instant she struck back was it's blank stare

Its.

quote:

It inched it's way to the girl's chest, and it's owner continued staring at her with the blank determination that it wore since they met.

Its.

quote:

Even with the extra strenght it failed to slay her foe.

Strength.

quote:

The humanity this creature had diminished in yet another's eye.

In her eyes yet again? I am not certain what exactly is meant here. It is a tad confusing.

quote:

It looked down at the oozing wound with the same face as it had during the whole battle.

Had had and remove the as. It is further back in the past.

quote:

The rage it had was unleashing was doing nothing for it’s accuracy fortunately for her.

Its

quote:

Rinia was sure if she moved in for another blow a counterattack awaited.

Add that between sure and if.

quote:

Kor had created a timeline of it’s own merit, one worthy of preserving.

Its

quote:

Only more trouble awaits if ‘ou keep on fighting for only a few timeline’s preservation!”

Timelines'

quote:

and the Dragon of Time who held it's Hourglass

Its

quote:

Her foe had lost it's weapon in the water and was trying to get away from her for a chance to regain it's composure and weapon.

Its

quote:

The same light that Kor vanished into.

Had vanished.

quote:

Her face had turned a bright red as walked up to Kor.

She walked.

quote:

Kor said as he stopped

Perhaps a more personal note. I would suggest replacing as he stopped by ''pausing''.

quote:

A stare of scrutiny formed on the girls face

Girl's.

quote:

he trailed off as he thought back to the events that changed his, and many others, life.

Others'.

quote:

Nothing new, nothing original, the dogma of the Truphma

Period at the end of the sentence.

quote:

The events that lead to him running were turning into a murky haze in his mind, from both just how long it feels like it's been and from his distractions on this timeline.

Switch around from and both. The tenses mix afterwards as well. It should be ''it felt like it had been''.

quote:

He couldn't tell her about that, not now not ever.

Split into two sentences. Add a coma after not now.

quote:

but I must have overshot the hour and minute huh?

Coma before huh.


That looks like everything. *scratches his chin* That was an interesting read and curious revelation about Kor's past. Smashing.
AQ  Post #: 69
6/4/2013 17:24:32   
kors
Member

And here is Part VI! Getting to some action again. This one was at least four pages this time so a little longer than last time. Something is happening to Kor, but will anyone be able to notice it before something happens?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 70
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