Elryn
Custodian (DF)
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@Flashbang Most welcomed.
Kors:
quote:
Xov might do beyond remove it’s lush vibrant landscapes.
Its
quote:
Kor and a friend of his assaulted the first one, while she just sat back
Remove the coma.
quote:
She began to take back several of the doubts she had, if she did not know all she could of this world Xov likely knew even less.
Replace coma with period and separate into two sentences. Coma after world.
quote:
“I am going to Paxia, Lore needs me to,”
Replace coma with period and separate into two sentences.
quote:
including her as of yet unopened story
Slightly confused by what is meant here. Reword and clarify?
quote:
Many Clan members began jumping ship, some flew some merely plummeted
Replace coma with period and separate into two sentences. Add a coma after flew.
quote:
Xov's anger, it would be satisfying to see such impudence
Replace coma with period and separate into two sentences.
quote:
I saw Aerodu's ship take a large explosion, and I have little doubt
Remove the coma.
quote:
The instant it touched the ground a light similar to the one that revealed
Coma after ground.
quote:
Kor stood in the moderately familiar territory of the Dark Jungle, the Chronomancer looked around surprised for several moments. The power of the Lord of the Skies was great, flying for miles on end without any real chance to rest. After those few moments the same tiredness struck Kor. He collapsed into the brush of the enormous jungle and drifted into a dreamless sleep.
*scratches head* There a few things about this paragraph that need work I would say. The first sentence is composed of two that could stand alone. For the first highlight, do you mean ''without any real need to rest''? Coma after second highlight. I am somewhat confused by the use of ''same tiredness'' as no other tiredness seems to have been referred to. I would shorten it to ''tiredness struck Kor''. Hmm... One suggestion if you will would be to fuse it with the last sentence using and and changing drifted to drifting changing the structure of the sentence accordingly.
quote:
They turned as he did, to northwest.
As he did is an aparte, or so I would call it and do it in this same explaining sentence, so put a coma before ''as'' as well.
quote:
and said nothing, their representatives for the most part were appalled.
Replace coma with period or semi-colon.
quote:
The only one who's reaction could match
Whose.
quote:
farthest from all the Clan members. He could barely hold back the tears, both Clans he was once apart of under attack.
A part. Replace period with colon. Replace coma with period or semi-colon.
quote:
After all that they survived would the two Clans die from something worse than boredom?
Had survived. Coma after survived.
quote:
He was shouting loudly now, most of the attention had turned to him now.
I feel this one needs some tweaking, see suggestion: He was shouting loudly and most of the attention had turned to him by now.
quote:
The words opened wounds that had been growing in the Clan member's minds, and stung quite deeply.
Remove the coma. The sentence is a tad confusing: do you mean the words of 0Neo are hurting the other clan members? If so, the apostrophe to mark possession should be after the s.
quote:
Before anyone could stop him he had claimed a boat and began paddling to sea.
Coma after him.
quote:
Ligeye was a mangled mess, his wings torn,
Replace the first coma with a colon.
quote:
Not nearly as injured as the other, and familiar to the angry Aerodus.
Remove coma.
quote:
it’s words were twisted and were spoken as if spliced
It’s glowing eyes pierced
with it’s natural ability to move across time
at it’s bright vivid colors, at it’s uniqueness, at it’s futile attempts to keep her from coming.
Its
quote:
The army behind her roars, eager to start
Roared.
quote:
He did not stop slowly inching his way towards the east,
Hmm... A tad confused at what is meant by this in the scene and its purpose in relation to context.
quote:
even down to the wings on the back
His.
quote:
His frantic visitor slowed down as Kor asked, although he did not look happy about it.
Had asked. Remove coma.
quote:
“I am 0Neo of Clan Noctoru. But now is not the time for greetings, Paxia is under attack.
Remove the first period. Replace the coma by an exclamation point and do the same for the second period.
quote:
The Truphma have made their move, and are attacking the island as we speak!
Remove coma.
quote:
“He... They all will be overrun soon, if we do nothing.”
Remove coma.
quote:
If I am right the Guardians should only be a few hours behind us, if we hurry we should be able to hold back the Truphma long enough for them to arrive.
Turn the coma into a period and add coma after hurry.
quote:
Lets go.
Lets go 0Neo, lets show them why they are wrong."
Let's.
*wipes forehead* That should do.
Final comment on the story overall: Your story is most interesting in the way you take up differing point of view and tell the story from those. It is done quite well and gives another dimension to the tale. You made quite an effort to flesh out the characters coming from a collaboration with other players. Of the stories I have proofread so far, you give them life the most. The existing game characters and those that you invent seem to be told just as well. Combine with a fairly extensive vocabulary makes for a good story. Keep it up.
Although I do have quite a bit of dead time to waste at work, it still takes time to type the proofreading down. I likely will not be getting around to other stories since I have other dealings to tend to as well at the moment.
< Message edited by Elryn -- 7/19/2013 8:44:16 >
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