RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary


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7/2/2013 15:23:08

flashbang
Member

@Neo That's fine but remember, proofreading. What am I saying? I don't proofread anything!

AQW

Post #: 201

7/2/2013 15:27:32

tommy2468
Member

@0Neo Thanks for the input of the character anyway

The title for the next chapter of my war story is going to be:

Nocturu, Nyx and Narcomancy

I am going to wait a little longer before choosing a name for the group. It's not a pressing concern as of yet.

AQ	Post #: 202

7/2/2013 15:30:14

0Neo
Member

@flashbang I guess but I really don't want ot chack....perhaps later

@tommy2468 No need to thank me. That sounds quite cool, I want to read it but remember, there's no need to rush it. Most of us used around 4 days to have what we have now

AQ	Post #: 203

7/2/2013 15:34:02

tommy2468
Member

@0Neo I know, but last night I couldn't sleep at all so I wrote up an idea of what I wanted to happen in the story. At the time I didn't have all the characters, but I was able to make general plots. I won't be getting another chapter out until tomorrow at least.

But yeah I probably don't want to be overloading everyone with too much war stories at once. There's a lot to read and there wouldn't be enough time to fully read them XD

AQ	Post #: 204

7/2/2013 15:44:41

Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14

@Tommy2468: JUst read your story! Have to admit I love the way you're adding personalities to the characters based on their Clans. Great Stuff!

I've just started on the next chapter. Some of you are gonna be surprised, especially Darksaber!
Something is gonna take a turn, a very steep turn.

Also, I need a few female chars, dont wanna come out Sexist!

_____________________________

[ AQ Knights of Discord ] [ View League Stats ]

AQW

Post #: 205

7/2/2013 15:46:52

darksaber22
Member

@ss2195 you know i am not sure weather to be excited about that or worried but i will stick with excited :)

AQW

Post #: 206

7/2/2013 15:52:56

tommy2468
Member

Thanks ss2195 :) I really wanted to get the clans represented, which is why I'm hoping to get a few more members from other clans.

Can't wait for the next chapter! I really really like the way you have characters so comfortable with each other. It had a shaky start and it may not be perfect, but the idea of Seth and Madara as the stern parents looking on at their children fighting is really funny

AQ	Post #: 207

7/2/2013 17:08:28

hict98
Member

Okay reviews time.
@Dragonfire First just a correction

quote:

"So know you see why I can't exactly let you slaughter them all, huh?~"

I think you mean "now".
You took an excellent turn with this chapter. The fight was just amazing. I'm curious, have you written a back story about this character though? He seems like he would have a good back story. Also my favorite part is at the end where he calmed down and just completely dissed her. You make the reader think he is going to act all nice then just completely does a 180.
@Tommy Okay first things first.

quote:

petty arguments

Petty. How could you think proving which element is best? *cough* It's wind BTDubs *cough* To think the constant strife of Paxia and all the war it goes through is petty is to say that Paxia itself is petty. Now about your story.
For chapter 1 you focused on Hikari a bit too much in my opinion, but I understand that you had to really introduce your character. Having a loner be main character is new, I can't wait to see how this ends up. Nice introduction, but it still is an introduction and therefore kind of slow.
Now as for chapter two you have so much build up here that it really has given me some high expectations for chapter 3. You went so in depth with your description of everything that I could easily envision it all. I applaud you on that. The only thing I want to see is some action soon.

AQW

Post #: 208

7/2/2013 17:49:15

tommy2468
Member

@hict98 The wars that have raged have not been solely to prove which element is the best and even if they were it is a petty reason for thousands to die over. That is Hikari Yume's problem, he has issues with war and death and will go to extremes to not kill anyone. He is a very threatening figure and there is no doubt that he is powerful, but he wants peace more than anything.

I would want to compare him to Uchiha Itachi if it were not for the fact that Uchiha Itachi is one of the best characters EVAR and Hikari Yume is just my own small creation.

I did feel that I had gone too far with my introduction of Hikari in the first chapter, but my plan is to have a different character narrating each chapter. My next chapter will be narrated by 0Neo and he will have a very different look on things than Hikari and Popinloopy. Hikari Yume is the solitary sort and so his story would follow him more than anyone else, Popinloopy is friendly and a good character so he will have great relations with the other characters of the team.
I'm not 100% sure yet of how 0Neo will be portrayed. So far I have put him down as being very Nocturu loyal and not caring about unity, but perhaps the gathering of so many clan members will convince him that unity is worth a good try.

I'm not too good with action (or so I think) so I will be taking slightly longer in my writings for the parts where lots of action will be taking place.

I will create a little action in the next chapter, but I have just begun to write it and I will be second-guessing myself a lot here so it will take a lot longer to get out.

And don't worry Hict I will be attempting to get as much attention to every member of the team, I am not favouring my own character. Depending on how the writing goes Hikari may actually leave for some time forcing the group to alter plans (but as of yet I have not much idea what I am going to write :) )

< Message edited by tommy2468 -- 7/2/2013 17:55:35 >

AQ	Post #: 209

7/2/2013 18:25:10

hict98
Member

@0Neo Good chapter. I like how you had some conflict between clan members which is new now. Oh and I will get you in soon. I just had to get through one more chapter before I could. He will be in the next chapter though.
@tommy Yeah I see what you are saying, but the clan wars aren't as much of wars as they are more of clan competitions.
Also of course Itachi is the best. Just thought I'd mention that.
Well I hope to see a chapter narrated by my character too. I understand if you won't, but a man can dream right.
For the action parts I didn't think I would be too good at it either, but when I started it came pretty easily. Writing action is actually much easier than someone would think. I'm sure you will do just fine if your other writing is anything to hint at.

AQW

Post #: 210

7/2/2013 18:34:07

tommy2468
Member

@hict98 No need to worry, I am planning a future chapter narrated by yourself. As he is immortal I wanted his narrative to be in the most dangerous places where the others of the group would most likely die. So it is possible that you may be in a solitary chapter (not fully decided yet and if it I do write that then it will be a shorter chapter to be fair to the other characters)

AQ	Post #: 211

7/2/2013 19:22:23

0Neo
Member

@hict thank you for the kind words. Well, not everything can be unity...discord have to appear once or twice
@tommy2468 I'm really exited about the chapter you'll make using me, keep it up. I'm sure it'll be amazing

on a side-note: Uchiha Itachi, Divine illusionary underworld. Best character from Naruto!

AQ	Post #: 212

7/2/2013 21:04:59

dragonfire1423
Member

@hict: Gah, I completely missed that... CURSE YOU LACK OF A GRAMMAR CHECKER!

Also, His backstory is in the RP academy, but I'm intending for every story I write, save for ones were I intentionally write a sequel, to be a new cannon, kinda like the Zelda Timeline, all of these happen in what can only be described as an "alternate dimension", where anything that happens in the story is cannon to that story only.

@tommy2468:
Now I know what all the hype was about! I quite enjoyed reading a more serious story than usual, and hope to see more! You can use my char if you want. He is clanless, and his weapons are in the RP academy for "Step One"

... Dang... I have way too much time on my hands (X_X)

NOTE TO ALL STORY WRITERS:
I seem to have rudely ignored you all when you asked to use peoples OC's. This is because I have a serious case of "Skims over comments and misses most of the words as a result"-itis...
Anyways, I apologize, and if you aren't already, feel free to use my OC if 'ya want to (^w^)

EDIT: O_O Wow... I can't seem to say anything today without sounding like a stuck-up jerk (x-x)

< Message edited by dragonfire1423 -- 7/2/2013 21:11:41 >

AQW

Post #: 213

7/2/2013 21:51:31

0Neo
Member

@dragonfire1423 don't worry, that happens to some people and I know it sucks (it also happens to me)

does that mean I can use Salem on my war story?

AQ	Post #: 214

7/2/2013 22:45:30

dragonfire1423
Member

Sure, just don't kill him \(^w^)/

I think I'll enjoy reading about how I annoy you in-story as well as in-forums~

AQW

Post #: 215

7/2/2013 22:54:20

0Neo
Member

be sure to suffer an awful and bloody death then.............nah, just kidding
thank you for letting me use Salem. I'll make sure to make him 0Neo's rival then, both an annoyance and a friend

AQ	Post #: 216

7/3/2013 1:01:53

popinloopy
Member

@tommy
Sorry it took so long for me to write a review. The story so far is fantastic. It is blatantly obvious that you are a talented writer with an expansive vocabulary. I eagerly await the next chapter, because from what I have read so far in the story and this thread, it is going to be absolutely spectacular.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 217

7/3/2013 5:26:11

tommy2468
Member

@dragonfire1423 I'm reading up on your character now and I shall make him a late entry (as I have already begun to write the third chapter :L) but don't worry I will have him in the third chapter.

Also your weapon idea for Monochrome is very similar to a design I had thought up myself (though never posted) so I am using the same idea that you have, but the weapon is going to look like mine :) Trust me it will be very cool (hopefully I'll be able to make it SOUND cool that is. If only I had skill in drawing, then I could draw all the equipment that I imagine

)

And thanks Popinloopy

seeing as you allowed me to do anything with your character I am making him very versatile, with powerful healing abilities and deadly with a spear. I hope you like the little companion :) I couldn't really think of a name (that fit to such a powerful dog) so I just put in Ypoolnipop as Popinloopy seems a little off in his mental state. Perhaps he thinks the dog is his Daemon.....?

If you would want to have a name for your golden dog feel free to tell, because it makes no difference to the story line and it would save me from trying to remember Popinloopy backwards XD

Also for anyone who is interested in learning a little more about my own character, Hikari Yume, I have created a thing for him in the Bio Workshop:

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20908310&mpage=5

< Message edited by tommy2468 -- 7/3/2013 12:22:07 >

AQ	Post #: 218

7/3/2013 12:19:08

Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14

One question, actually make that 2!

~~1) Are torture scene's allowed?~~

2) Action or more build up?

< Message edited by ss2195 -- 7/3/2013 12:30:26 >

AQW

Post #: 219

7/3/2013 12:24:20

tommy2468
Member

@ss2195 I think you would have to keep the torture within reason I suppose. Here's a quote from Eukara regarding the rules of the Stories:

quote:

Maintain the family-friendly atmosphere of Artix Entertainment, keep all content PG
Although a slight allowance of above PG is allowed in L&L, it is not much. Please keep the following in mind.

Excessive profanity, promoting drugs, overly detailed violence and explicit scenes are not allowed. Alcohol and tobacco are tolerated, but be discrete and do not promote their use.
In regards to violence, crimes, and such subject matters, the writer MUST remember that specific detail, overly grotesque or gory material, or action descriptions that go beyond insinuation/inference can get you in trouble. In regards to sex, it is not outright forbidden, but again it is a subject best left to inference. When in doubt, imply; do not specify.

Do not suggest anything to a writer that violates the above rules.

If a violation of the above rules is found, inform the L&L staff immediately via PM. Do not point it out in the commentary thread.

And I would like to see a little more build up if I'm honest

I like the idea that is going on in your story at the moment but I think that some of the characters, such as Abaraa even though he's new, could use a little more so that we get a feel for their characters. That's just my opinion so don't let it change your writing if you don't like it :P

< Message edited by tommy2468 -- 7/3/2013 12:27:00 >

AQ	Post #: 220

7/3/2013 12:32:42

Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14

~~Alright....Build up it is!~~

Part 5:Elements Deceived: Power of four? is out!

Darksaber, please dont kill me (yet)

I have plans to make the A-team deal with this situation, and you'll get the Sixth and final pre-war chapter in around 3-4 days time!

Thanks!!

< Message edited by ss2195 -- 7/3/2013 13:12:15 >

AQW

Post #: 221

7/3/2013 13:17:35

darksaber22
Member

@ss2195 so my character gets caught it makes me wonder how this will be dealt with but apart from that great chapter and i have a bad feeling something really bad is going to happen to my character :(

AQW

Post #: 222

7/3/2013 13:28:09

Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14

Dont remeber where I ve heard this...

"Where there is death, there will always be death!"

AQW

Post #: 223

7/3/2013 13:51:41

tommy2468
Member

Ahhhh I LOVE THE TWIST!!!

You had one job Adrian! XD Just kidding. We better get you out of that prison because I'm sure the food is terrible

AQ	Post #: 224

7/3/2013 13:58:41

Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14

I'm not so sure they give him any.... ok maybe boiled tukey! :D

AQW

Post #: 225

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