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RE: =AQ= War of the Fangs: Evolution! War Stories and Poems Commentary

 
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2/26/2014 12:47:36   
Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14


Kinda (And by that I mean very) late, but I just uploaded chapter 2 incase anyone wants a read... The final chapter and the epilogue will be up before the end of the week.

Imaginary penny for your thoughts!!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 101
2/26/2014 17:16:12   
vamplycan
Member

That will be all for my story involving the war. Chapter 4 is up, and it finishes in the same manner as the war. With Safiria missing. This means not everything is tied up, but as events continue I will update, but maybe in my Shinou thread instead of here. Hope you guys enjoy it, and I will be getting to review your stories, probably after this weekend. I have a test coming up.

< Message edited by vamplycan -- 2/26/2014 17:21:10 >
AQ  Post #: 102
2/26/2014 20:18:30   
popinloopy
Member

@ss
quote:

<<Four targets incoming>>
<<Six Miles, west>>
<<Power level: Level 9>>

What's his scouting ability say about their power level?
IT'S EXACTLY NINE HIIIIIIIIIIIGH!
(Gosh it's hard to find a suitable replacement for the word "thousand" isn't it?)
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 103
2/27/2014 7:07:18   
Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14


@Popin: Yeah, had to come up with something else other than ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!!! I mean how weird would it be if the UI of a drone screams that in your ear?? Plus I wanted it to be a little less derivative!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 104
2/27/2014 13:12:43   
Daimyo Daimyo
Member

Why did Storm SilverWing not call Seth Hydra, and I quote, a "two-timing rat"?

So what, is level 9 supposed to be dangerous? What if it sensed something too powerful to measure? Would it then explode in your ear?
MQ  Post #: 105
2/27/2014 14:12:18   
Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14


@DD: Thanks for reminding me!!! I'll include it in my next chapter, where they confront each other!! Know, lvl 9 refers to Demigod level... but its actually towards the DBZ reference instead of it over 9 thousand, and crack burn for the visor, I've just gone for a reference to one of my favourite shows...involving an NSA style surveillance network.. a reference to a particular episode infact... Cookies if you get it!

Meanwhile,

Chapter 3: Familiarity breeds Strategy! is up!! 2 more chapters( Climax and Epilogue) by the end of the week!!


< Message edited by ss2195 -- 2/27/2014 14:17:27 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 106
3/1/2014 0:11:33   
battlemaster25
Member

My Epilogue has just been posted, and with that my story is officially over.

Very little happens here, I mostly just wanted to flesh out Gale and Storm's relationship a bit more. Besides, I figure they've earned a bit of casual conversation after all their ordeals.....
AQ  Post #: 107
3/1/2014 1:12:41   
popinloopy
Member

quote:

"Really? Hijacking an abandoned house? I don't remember you being such a rule-breaker."

"The vampires have a very strict sense of authority. Eleven years of that, and you'd have a rebellious streak too."


But... don't vampires need to be invited in to enter a house? I suppose if it was broken into first and the intruder invited him in...
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 108
3/1/2014 1:17:45   
Daimyo Daimyo
Member

I don't believe that applies to AQ's vampires. Remember that the vampires attacked the werewolves' home first. I'm pretty sure no one invited them.
MQ  Post #: 109
3/1/2014 3:10:32   
popinloopy
Member

@Daimyo
Well, maybe there was a traitor. But I see your point.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 110
3/1/2014 13:40:04   
battlemaster25
Member

Even if they did, I'm reasonably certain that such rules only apply to inhabited dwellings. Hence how Dracula can squat in an abandoned castle, etc.
AQ  Post #: 111
3/14/2014 21:46:01   
vamplycan
Member

I am only reviewing those who have stated that they are finished.

@Battlemaster- WARNING!!!! INTENSE SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!

Prologue: Very nice, a good balance between dialog and action and keeping the pace at a brisk speed was a good choice. These are short stories, so conveying what you want in a small amount of time is key. I think you've done that here. Using the prologue to establish the background relationship between the protagonist, antagonist and to set up the later event is convenient, but giving the character a more subtle depth rather than focusing the story on his death might have had a greater effect on later events. This gave away your central focus, and I think allowed the reader to ruminate on important events. The most important of which is "Is his brother really dead?" I understand the story is based on the character growth of Storm and actually very little to do with the war. I applaud this VERY much. Not making your character an integral part of the war shows just how much you care about creative writing. It was more about the character for you, and this makes me happy.

Chapter 1. My favorite part of this chapter was the description of Storm waking, and checking over the physiological changes, especially the hunch. The characters willingness to by pass any uncomfortable feelings no matter how new, or ideas, or even moral dilemmas in the name of revenge is clearly shown. He is not even flinching or second guessing. There is only one goal, and it must be achieved, even if that means breaking werewolf traditions. Well done.

Chapter 2. The pace of this chapter is rapid, and brutal. It is the same for your fight scenes. EXCITEMENT is clearly the point of this chapter and you convey that well, including an ending that not leaves the reader's eyes continuing on in a fast scan even after they have gone past the cliff. Oh no! There was no space under my eyes and they fell in wonder.

Chapter 3. The torture scene is very brave. You didn't go to far, I think. I don't know exactly where these forums draw the line, and so it was nice to see another writer pushing the limits. The reveal afterward, I had guessed, but I've read many stories, and many of them use this twist. Again, I felt it was made a little obvious due to the focus on it in the prologue, but perhaps that isn't fair. Really a matter of opinion, but what in writing isn't save for grammar? (Of which I will not correct. I don't really care.)

Chapter 4. Really important character development, especially if you plan on carrying these characters into other stories. You said early, I believe, that you were trying to tone it down after the brutality of your last chapters. I think this was good placement, because it made sense plot wise and flowed perfectly. I don't think you should ever worry about manipulating the readers emotions too much. That is what a writer aspires to do. Take me as far as you can.

Chapter 5. The werewolf had more mercy than the vampire. Perhaps this is fitting. Vampires are cold with lack of emotion they are undead, while werewolves are filled with emotion, enough sometimes to drive them wild. I liked this chapter, though I did think that the fight with Victor was rushed into.

Epilogue: I begin to think here that the character is not just determined, nor was he solely drove by revenge at the start. His refusal to heal his arm, and even to rationalize why seems more stubborn than anything. Yet, he isn't so stubborn as to deny the help of his brother to put the gauntlet on. Not too prideful. A nice complex character, and you ended on another cliffhanger, but... there will not be more?


P.S. I do believe that if the house is abandoned it is fair game. If it did have a lingering threshold it would have been that of his own family's house, so seeing as he's already been inside and has had the invitation (even if before his transformation) he'll probably be A OK. Either way some interpretations say that vampires can enter they are just powerless inside.



AQ  Post #: 112
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