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Legendary AdventureGuide!
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The Perfect Date
By Cow Face
As you may be aware, on Terra, a celebration known as "St. Valentine's Day" is readily approaching as I write this. Similarly, on Lore, Hero's Heart Day and SnuggleFest are also coming quickly. While I personally cannot stand any of these holidays (which should instead be labeled "Cow Face's Lonely Days"), I recognize that many people, possibly including a number of The Zardian's readers, look forward to this. It marks the occasion for romance, and a natural outgrowth of that, dating. Because of this,* I have decided to compile a guide for the common (wo)man seeking to woo his or her lover. This process involved observing and interviewing a nice young Lorian couple, the results of which I have recorded in this article.
Step One - Selecting a Match
There are many different criteria for seeking your "datee." Personally, I look for someone who can let out a good "Moo," as well as who likes dairy products and can stand depressing poetry. As foolproof as this method may be, I do recognize that other people may look for other things. So, I asked a young Lorian woman (to whom I will refer as "Ginny") what she seeks in a man.
"Well, I like someone who has a high Intelligence stat, but who also doesn't neglect Strength. Some Dexterity would be nice, unlike my previous date, who kept dropping the roses and stepping on my feet. Charisma is a must, as well- but again, Intellect is the main thing here. He should be able to handle at least a Frogzard, so that we can go off adventuring together. Take long walks along Lolosia, maybe enjoy the moon over Darkovia Forest... something romantic."
Step Two - Obtaining Your Datee
Once you've selected the one you are going to date, you must have some way of getting them to join you on the date. First, it is typical that you have some kind of date in mind. For the purposes of this experiment, we are going to assume that the two of you are going to dine out together. Let us join the young man, referred to as "Frederick" here, as he attempts to convince Ginny that A) he wishes to date her, B) he will be a good choice for datee, and C) he's not the type who will creep into her room at night and stare at her for hours.
Frederick creeps up behind Ginny, walking on the balls of his feet. For this attempt, he has decided to use the cudgel, a solid, dependable choice. Oh, a twig has snapped under his foot! Poor show- she's alarmed now, and has been alerted to his presence. It could be over for Frederick. Wait, wait! Ah, here's where his Dexterity comes into play: he's not just fast, he's quick! Yes, he's done it! Ginny is unconscious, and a victorious Frederick carries her away, over his shoulders. Stunning performance, Frederick; how did you pull it off? "Well, I just, uh, went whop. Then I picked her up. Then I carried her away." There you go, ladies, gentlemen, and otherwise- Frederick Adventurer, a real pro dater!
Step Three - Choosing A Location
Atmosphere is everything when you want to impress your datee. For instance, as I had to learn, a McSneevil sandwich, while delicious, typically isn't the best romantic meal. A nice, hot plate of Zzott tentacles can be good if you both happen to pick up the same strand, but perhaps not if your date is of the water persuasion. Select a restaurant based on what they serve as well as on how they serve it.** Good idea: candles on the table present mood lighting, and give somewhat more of a private feeling. Bad idea: total darkness. I was dating this lich once, and she insisted on me turning off the lights. Not only did I keep stabbing myself in the face with the fork,*** she also attempted to eat my soul. Which really isn't that bad, but I never let anyone eat my soul on a first date; I'm old-fashioned that way. Besides, she hadn't even finished her sandwich yet. Shall we see how Frederick and Ginny are doing?
They're coming around the corner- looks like it's Ginny ahead by a shoe. Yes, they've made the turn, and they're coming onto the main stretch. Frederick makes a turn toward McSneevil's- don't do it, Frederick! Ooh, Ginny is not impressed, and starts to pull ahead. Fred's catching up; they're neck and neck. Ginny moves toward Red Monster... She's nearly there, Fredrick is catching up... And it's Ginny, first in the door! After giving them some time to settle in, I caught up with the two inside the restaurant, and decided to see how their date was coming.
Step Four - The Perfect Date!
You have your datee, you two are perfectly matched, and you've selected a nice restaurant. Now, as long as one doesn't do something drastic, like ask to display their cadaver closet, this date cannot possibly go wrong. So let's interview Frederick and Ginny (whose real name, she informs me, is Ginger), to see just how happy they are.
CF: It's nice to see that some people can still enjoy a nice date together. You two having a good time?
F: Yes! Ginny here is lovely; but in addition, she has a great wit, and no qualms about sharing a strand of Zzott!
G: Surprisingly, I am, actually. Usually I don't respond well to cudgels, but Fred handles it masterfully. He's rather charming. When not hitting me with things.
CF: That's wonderful! Now, Fred, what really bothers you about her?
F: Uh... What? You're kidding, right? Okay, maybe you aren't. Do I have to answer this question? No, I don't want to have to listen to five hours of your poetry. Alright, alright. Well... She has a grating laugh. But it's not too grating!
CF: That's true, it is quite irritating. And Ginger, how about you? Anything about Fred just make you want to shave off his eyebrows?
G: So I have a grating laugh? That's nothing compared to Fred's goofy smile. He looks like he just ate a D.R.O.U.S. when he grins.
CF: Hmm, I hadn't noticed; his smile really does revolt one. Fred, anything-
F: Revolting smile! Maybe that's because I was trying to pretend that I liked your quip about when a Gorillaphant and a Unicougar walked into an inn!
CF: Hey, now, let's not-
G: It's a good thing you don't have that cudgel, you oaf, because that's what you'd need to keep me here. Good-bye!
F: Good riddance!
[At this point, they stormed off, leaving me to pick up the tab. How rude.]
This was... Wow, this was discouraging. I mean, it looks like even when you match people up based on stats, and woo them with a cudgel, and even take them to a fancy restaurant, I guess you just can't have a perfect date. Something will always get in the way. I can't believe how suddenly and unexpectedly their date just dissolved. Nonetheless, though, I'm sure this guide will still work. It seems like some people just happen to lack tact. Unbelievable.
__________
* And the will of the editors.
** For more locations on where not to take your date, see "Where Not To Take Your Date" by Tolan, in this same issue.
*** When you have a face this large, just eating presents this danger.
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