Maegwyn
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
So, here we are yet again with another installment of "Ask Zorbak." And once again, it's a theme issue of the E-Zine. This time, it's SnuggleFest. I know I say this about EVERY holiday around here, but this time I mean it: SnuggleFest is my LEAST favorite time of year. It's worse then Mogloween; at least there I get candy. It's worse then Frostval; where I can at least usually swipe a present or two. But SnuggleFest? SnuggleFest is all about LOVE! And I hate love! Love is an emotion that fills the hearts of the weak and distracts them from their otherwise worthy goals. Love turns strong men into weaklings, bringing mighty empires crumbling to the ground. For example, remember Troy? It was a great place to live... Until that idiot Paris had to go fall in love with that tramp Helen. Now it's a pile of dirt. Or how about the Love Boat? Remember that time it hit an iceberg and sank? Or was that the Titanic? Whichever it was, my point is: Love stinks. Or to put it another way, in the wise words of a pirate I used to know. "Love is pain. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."
In short, love is for foolish weaklings. And you'll never catch THIS Moglin falling into that particular trap.
Now, on with the questions...
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dragonman123456789102 asks: Dear Zorbak if your the greatest necromancer then why can,t you turn into a lich or why don't you take down Artix?
Why would I want to be a lich? Have you ever SEEN a lich? They're all creepy and decayed and keep their souls in teeny tiny little jars, which they have to spend all their time obsessing over to make sure that no would-be hero sneaks in and destroys. Or even worse... What if your Undead Housekeeper accidentally knocks your phylactery onto the floor and breaks it when she's dusting the shelves in your Hideout? Personally, I like my soul right where it is, thankyouverymuch. And as for why I don't take out Artix... it's kind of an unfair advantage when your nemesis is also your boss. As long as he signs the paychecks, I really need to keep him around if I wish to remain gainfully employed.
wmubroncos03 asks: where do i go to become a ninja?
Japan. Barring that, I suppose you could sit around in black pajamas watching "Naruto" episodes all day and see if anything rubs off.
andy asks: what level am i?
Well, you're now 50 levels less then when you asked.... Meh heh heh!
kenpuff asks: Why are undead so easy to kill compared to paladin. heheh or are you a bad necromancer?
I'm not a bad necromancer... I'm an EBIL necromancer. And paladins only appear stronger because they suck up to Artix for power. If this company was called "Zorbak Entertainment" (and someday it shall be...), the tables would most certainly be turned.
Morgan, Maddie, and Erik ask: We have a bunch of questions to ask you. Like how old are you? Why do you hate Twilly? Why do you say EBIL instead if evil? Why did you join the dark side? How did you get your powers? Did you used to be a good moglin? If so how and why did you become EBIL?
Moglins don't track time in the same way that humans do; my current age is inexpressible in any terms you could relate to. Let's just say I'm still in the prime of my life and leave it at that. I don't hate Twilly, I just find him extremely annoying. If you had a little football-headed eternally cheery fuzzball trying to be your friend all the time, you'd understand. I say "Ebil" because I AM ebil... ebil is much more refined, sophisticated, and intelligent then the idiocy you would call Evil. I don't consider myself to be on the Dark Side, as you put it. What... a moglin can't raise a few undead and try to take over the world a few times before they try to label him as Dark? Everything I do is done in enlightened self-interest, not out of service to some esoteric "Dark" force... and besides, how do you know my inevitable takeover won't be a GOOD thing? And I got my powers at birth. I was born EBIL and I'm gonna run with it as best I can. Never deny what you are when you can master it instead!
Toan asks: If Twilly were to die would you summon him to be you minion?
I doubt it... I'd be too busy celebrating.
bennydabomb asks: To Zorbak, the greatest and most powerful ebil moglin in the universe, do you teach any people who want to be an ebil person like you?
I should start a correspondence course in Ebil. I'll call it Zorbak's School of Ebil. Two and four years plans available: Earn your Associate certification in Ebil or complete the final two years and earn your degree. Enroll now: Class sizes are limited and filling up fast!
utkaha123 asks: How to go to the secret level of moglin punting?
On level 13, there's a secret purple pixel in one of the cakes. If you stare at your screen long enough (probably about an hour or so) you'll see it start to flash. Keep watching until it blinks out the morse code for the secret password to unlock the hidden level. But be sure to watch closely... if you miss even a second of it, you'll have to start all over.
cj peterson asks: Hello Zorbak I beg to differ that you are the most powerful necromancer. I am Artimus lv. 10 necromancer and... <edited for brevity>
And it goes ON like that. But very well, I accept your challenge. Since you are obviously superior to me, why don't you use YOUR E-zine column to let me know the details of where and when our epic battle will take place. I'll be waiting to hear from you...
rayquaza4060 asks: Why do you hate other people being ebil?
I don't need the competition, and I don't like to share.
melissaj33 asks: How do you get a house?
I sneak in at night with my Undead Hordes, chase off the guards, and toss the rightful owners out of the bedroom window while they sleep. That's how I get a house. You, on the other hand, will need to talk to Valencia in Battleon so she can direct you to the Real Estate office. And then you'll have to clear the land and pay for it. And then I'll sneak in one night and the cycle will start anew.
Ammonman asks: what would you do if Kabroz cast a spell that made undead want too eat you?????
Why do you think I gave Twilly that Zorbak mask? Meh heh heh....
Ali Umer 72 asks: What is the meaning of life?
Life is a highly complex jigsaw puzzle composed entirely of highly lustrous cats. (I bet you thought I was going to say "42")
Biboon asks: Do you think you could beat Kabroz in a slap fight?
Slapping people is so beneath a moglin of my stature. Perhaps Kabroz fights like a little girl; I prefer to use more sophisticated methods. Like bonking him over the head with my Ebil Staff, for example...
ChrisXCool asks: Can you please help me? I recently read a E-Zine column about two cats on AQWorlds. They went on to their human's (she was a moderator) account and played the game. On the map they went to Frostvale, but I can't find it. Is it moderator's only?
First off, do not believe cats, for they are sneaky creatures and have been known to lie. In fact, if you hear any animals talking to you, it's usually better to ignore anything they say and just walk away. Except for Moglins, of course. Frostvale, incidentally, has been removed from the game for another year and won't be back until December.
Keekeepo asks: Why was Twilly answering questions last time?
To keep the Undead off my trail...
Doom_drayk116 asks: Dear Emperor of Ebil Zorbak,if they replaced Twilly With you in Battleon, what ebil thing would you do to heroes instead of healing?
I would be more then happy to heal the heroes... for a price. Move over, Blue Cross! Here comes Blue Moglin, Lore's first HMO provider! I hope you have insurance!
Vampire Ninja Babe asks: Zorbak I know you are a necromancer but if you had to choose which are better vampires or werelamoes I mean werewolves?
It depends. Werewolves are MUCH better when I'm in need of a nice shag carpet for the throne room floor... but vampires are much better at gardening and light housekeeping.
limestones888 asks: Do you love the purple necromantress?
Of course not. It may have appeared that way once upon a time, but my heart belongs to my dear Mu Glen, and let no one tell you otherwise. Especially if she's listening...
Xixaxaxon asks: What do you like more, Ninjas or Pirates?
Necromancers.
Team Red Master Chief asks: if you were to rule the entire world of lore, who would be your second in command for your army of DOOOOOM?
No one. The only thing a second-in-command ever does is plot against the Overlord. Why would I want someone like that anywhere near me?
Iain555 asks: Zorbak, do you still have your baby photos?
I burned all my baby photos... they could have only caused me embarrassment later in life. But I DID save one of Kabroz's: http://i41.tinypic.com/2mgquzk.gif
elantis123 asks: Why is your bother Kabroz's name yours spelled backwards?
Mom and Dad thought it would be cute. Like those annoying people who give their children all the same initials. They were wrong.
Zortilly The Paladin asks: Why can't you become a Moglin Paladin? Because being a Necromancer is evil and cruel and I would never be your undead minion.
For as much as they CLAIM to be open-minded and good, Paladins are very picky about who they will and will not accept into their ranks. Whereas Necromancers welcome EVERYBODY. Keep that in mind next time one of them tries to tell you that I'M the bad guy...
Acedce asks: Why are there no more new Ask Zorbaks?
I devote my efforts to publishing "Ask Zorbak" in the E-Zine each issue. It allows me to make sure that those pesky anti-Zorbak animators don't censor my work. Plus, as much as I would enjoy seeing more attention focused on Zorbak, there's this silly idea that the general public would prefer those resources be used to create new game content each week.
nathan abcd asks: Dear ebil mentor... why is it that all of as poor adventures walk around in such plain looking paladin armor, when Artix has such awesome, shiny, 3D armor?
When the name of the company becomes ""Nathan ABCD Entertainment, LLC" I imagine you'll get special, shiny 3-D armour as well. Until then...
rodri491 asks: What is a Dragon amulet?
A Dragon Amulet is the symbol that you have upgraded your account in DragonFable. It unlocks special content for you. Personally, I recommend you buy 8 or 9 of them... I'm looking to have some renovations done to the Hideout this summer and the money's gotta come from somewhere...
x007bit asks: Is there Any possibility that your appearance in AQ Worlds in the story intro will have an enormous Impact upon the story? or your Ebilness?
My appearances anywhere should have an enormous impact. As everyone knows, I'm the franchise around here. The amount of Zorbak in a game is directly proportional to its success.
Cobalt Wolf asks: Zorbak, I'm a werewolf, and who is better werewolves, vampires, or a duck?
If it's a rubber duck, the duck wins hands down. If it's a normal duck... well, the duck STILL wins, for ducks are tasty when properly prepared and served with a nice orange sauce.
dethboy asks: If you had 1 ebil wish what would you wish for?
Obviously, I would wish for more wishes. And if I can't have that, I want to decide who lives and who dies.
Garciarocks asks: O, Great and Awesome Emperor Zorbak, truly the most powerful necromancer in all of Lore and answerer of the greatest questions in life, which do you dislike less? Babies or puppies?
I dislike puppies more, because puppies are not only puppies... they are also babies. That is why I recommend kicking them.
Mewmew101202 asks: Dear Zorbak,I remember you saying love is for weaklings but I remember a quest in DragonFable where you fell in love with another necromancer.
Lies! Lies and slander, perpetrated by my enemies in a feeble attempt to make me look weak... and get me in trouble with Mu Glen.
Sir Jackson of Japan asks: What anime or manga do you like?
I like "Full Metal Alchemist" as alchemy's ultimate goal is the control over life and death. I can respect that. Though I am also partial to "Death Note"... I, too, strive to decide who lives and who dies.
bunyman4 asks: when you go into the rip in the sky and poke Pae 3 times and he eats you how do you get out??? I keep losing my temp items because i have to exit the game and get back in again!
Have you considered, oh I don't know... NOT POKING PAE? That might work.
Daniel Draven asks: How did you learn to create undead? You don't Just say "I will create undead"and instantly know how.
Maybe it doesn't work that way for you, but I'm naturally gifted. It's just one of the many, many reasons I am a Master of Ebil Necromancy and you aren't.
Supertal10 asks: what came first? the chicken or the egg?
The chicken came first. And before you ask, the chicken came from an egg that it laid, which then fell through a wormhole in the Space-Time continuum. I'd explain further, but it requires a lot of math, and you probably wouldn't understand.
emilylikespiano asks: Dear Most Ebilest Handsomest Emperor Zorbak, He Who Rules Everything in the World, Most Ebilest Moglin-Punting Devil, Since there are female moglins, where do you think I can find Mu Glen and Poelala in Adventurequest?
Mu Glen is safely back in my Hideout, you can find her if you come to visit. Poelala is locked away in one of Robina Hood's chests, which she brings with her when she goes monster hunting.
And finally, in honor of (ugh) SnuggleFest, theminnowintheriverswims asks: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards love? And more importantly, have you ever loved?
Because what do you get when you fall in love? A girl with a pin to burst your bubble! That's what you get for all your trouble. So don't tell me what it's all about... because I've been there, and I'm glad I'm out. Out of those chains, those chains that bind you... and that is why I'm here to remind you.
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Well, that's it for this issue's installment of "Ask Zorbak." Remember to keep those questions coming to zorbak@battleon.com and be sure to check out our site at http://www.ebilgames.com. Until next time this is Zorbak saying... oops, hold on a second...
Yeah, that's right. One dozen black roses. And have the card say "To my darling Mu Glen. If the skies were made of parchment and the seas were full of ink, I still would be unable to fully write of my undying love for you. Please accept these flowers, and know that even their beauty will be lesser in your presence. Your true blue love, Zorbak." Oh, and the reservation is still set for 7? Great! Thanks for the help, Yulgar. Mu Glen almost killed me after I forgot last year and...
What? Why are you all looking at me like that? Can't a Moglin get a little privacy around here? This column is over; there's nothing to see here anymore. I'm busy... ummm... plotting. Yes, definitely plotting. And most CERTAINLY not making plans to celebrate SnuggleFest with Mu Glen. Nope! So you can go away now and, ummm... pretend you didn't hear any of that.
Bah...
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