Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
Meh heh heh!
So another issue of the E-Zine is upon us, and I'm sure you've all been asking yourselves: "How will the E-Zine editors attempt to make Zorbak's life miserable THIS month?" Well, it seems that this month, in honor of Mogloween (or as it's known to the less enlightened crowd, Halloween) they've decided that the theme will be "Darkness." Now, as much as I hate themes, darkness is a theme I can support. After all, I am Zorbak, the foremost Master Necromancer of Lore. So naturally, there's no one better qualified to discuss Darkness and Death then...
*knock knock*
That had BETTER not be Twig again...
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Oh, for ebil's sake... Who would be knocking at my door at this hour? I have got to look into a better security system. I guess you get what you pay for when you use Undead minion labor and... oh, it's you.
Why, my dear Zorbak, is that any way to greet your favorite brother?
You're hardly my favorite brother, Kabroz. And seeing as you're my ONLY brother, that says a lot...
Your words wound me Zorbak. Which is more then that pitiful trap you set for me did. Did you really think I wouldn't notice the tripwire strung across the doorway?
I can always hope...
Hope? Pah. Hope is for the weak and pitiful. True Masters such as myself never rely on hope. We rely on skill, cunning, and subterfuge.
And dumb luck.
Luck has nothing to do with it. Though I imagine you're the resident expert on "dumb."
Whatever you say. Now if you don't mind, I was just about to share my insights on Darkness and Death with my loyal audience.
YOUR insights? Your insights on darkness wouldn't fill a thimble. Why don't I take care of it, being that you're all tied up at the moment?
Tied up? I'm not tied up. I'm... you reset the trap after you came in, didn't you?
*SPROING!*
Why, yes. Yes I did. So while you're just hanging around doing nothing, why don't I enlighten... or should I say "endarken"... your audience for you?
I hate you so very, very much. You know that, right?
I wouldn't have it any other way, dear Brother. Now where was I? Ah yes... darkness. Darkness is so often misunderstood by the masses. They associate it with evil, and with foul creatures that come for your children in the night. In actuality, Darkness is like a soft velvet cloak that enshrouds the world as the harsh light of day disappears. It brings a calm serenity to the land, free of the glare and chaos of the light. A skilled Master such as myself can weave its ebony threads into an elegant tapestry, and display its beauty for a mostly unappreciative audience to see. This is why I follow the path of Darkness: Not because it is evil, but because I strive to bring the delicate touch of sweet Lady Nox to the masses... who more often then not choose to chastise me for my efforts.
Kabroz... that's actually quite moving. I feel a tear welling in my eye. Or perhaps it's just the blood rushing to my head...
What can I say? I have the soul of a poet. I keep it in a jar in my study... Muahahahahahaha!
Anyway, you've said your piece, so I suppose you'll be leaving now. How about cutting me down before you go?
Oh, I don't know. I kind of like you up there. It may give you a new perspective on life... But if you insist on getting down, I'll send Twig along later to give you a hand.
No, no... that's fine. I'm sure I can...
Oh, no. I insist. No trouble at all. I'm sure Twig is perfectly capable of cutting you down without accidentally removing too many of your limbs. Who knows, you may even get a matching scar on your other eye! And now dear Brother, I'll be on my way.
Wait, Kabroz! I... drat. Well, while I work on getting myself down from here, I guess I can answer a few of your questions...
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Dragonslayer626 asks: Where'd Ask Zorbak go?
Well, I can't be 100% sure, but I'm relatively certain it's right here.
Curl75 asks: Hello Zorbak,can you tell me a little more about your brother Kabroz, and second where did you got that scar near your eye?
What else is there to say about Kabroz? He's a mangy, flea-bitten fuzzball with delusions of grandeur who thinks he can take over the world based on his mistaken belief that he's the most powerful necromancer who ever lived and... what? What's so funny? No, I am NOT describing myself, thankyouverymuch. NEXT QUESTION!
Loserrigged asks: Is it fun to be ebil?
Being ebil is almost as much fun as punting a sackful of Twillys.
Metchami asks: Why does Kabroz look a lot older than you?
Probably because of that dead rodent he wears on his head. You're not fooling anyone, Kabbie.
Wastetimechasingcar asks: Do you like being ebil?
Yes. There is much potential for mischief and fun... and it's a heck of a lot better then the alternatives!
Snmz1234 asks: How did you get the scarf on your neck?
It's not a scarf; it's an Ebil Cloak of Necromantic Power. I earned it long ago after a heated competition with several other Necromancers, who were also after its arcane power.
Aeiou123 asks: Zorbak, if given the choice, would you become a dracomancer? If so, why?
The ONLY reason I would ever become a dracomancer would be so I could summon some dragons to my annual Fall Barbecue. It's so hard to get fresh dragon delivered, after all...
Berwinator asks: Why does your brother Kabroz envy you?
Who DOESN'T envy me? You might as well ask "Why is the sky blue?" or "Why is the grass green?"
Eyaleyal123 asks: Why would you choose necromancer over paladin?
For the same reason I'd choose "King" over "Court Jester," "Genius" over "Moron," or "Zorbak" over "Twilly"... when given two choices, why settle for the inferior option?
Flower Elf asks: What exactly is a lich?
A lich is a form of undead creature created when a (supposedly) powerful necromancer uses dark magic to separate his soul from his corporeal form and transfer it into a phylactery in an attempt to achieve immortality. They are also very fond of candy, as evidenced by the age old riddle "How many lichs does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop?"
Baggshhx asks: If you are so great, why don't you just turn people that you don't like into an undead slave?
Because I don't need NEARLY that many undead slaves...
Gogoz2301 asks: Hi, can you kill Twilly he's annoying?
Yes.. yes he IS annoying. So annoying that he's unkillable, because not even Death can put up with him for very long. Every time you THINK you get Twilly, he just gets up, dusts himself off, and goes about his merry way.
Armered-guy asks: Where DO zombies come from?
Well, when a Mommy zombie and a Daddy zombie love each other very much...
Mr. Fiend asks: Where do we go when we die?
You go into the 101st Light Infantry Division of Zorbak's Legion of the Undead.
ChrisXCool asks: What do you think about the matter of dragons? Have you ever tried to tame one? And Do you think one could defeat you, given the size difference?
What do I think of Dragons? I think they taste like chicken. I've never tried to tame one, because I don't believe in playing with my food. As for size... well, the bigger the dragon, the more people I can invite to the barbecue...
Kill0008 asks: Hey zorbak, if you are so powerful why not fight the reaper/death for supremacy?
There's no need... I've already proven my dominion over the Reaper through my absolute mastery of the Necromantic Arts. Despite what Death may think, it is Zorbak who TRULY decides who lives and who dies around here.
Justin or JD asks: OK you have all the undead minions at your command how come none of the have turned on you yet?
Because the key word in "mindless Undead Minions" is "mindless." It's hard to formulate a revolution when you have no free will to speak of.
David Ton asks: Why do you have that scar on your left eye?
Scars are cool. Chicks dig scars. They also like tattoos, but you'd never see a tattoo through my fur...
The Chaos Striker asks: Zorbak are you annoyed by the shadowscythe because most wars have a lot of them?
I am annoyed by pretty much everything that ISN'T Zorbak. After all, every minute of screen time the Shadowscythe get is one less minute that could be given to ME!
Kman2007 asks: Zorbak why do you hate Kabroz so much?
Sibling rivalry. Plus, Mom always liked him best.
Dew Dew9 asks: Do you really answer questions?
No. Everything you are reading here is a figment of your troubled mind.
Gold Roses asks: Dear Zorbak, Why were you kicked out of Necromancer University?
I wasn't kicked out... I left when it became painfully obvious that the Necropolis was staffed by a bunch of talentless hacks who were jealous of my supreme necromantic powers. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
And finally, Bobmonkey asks: Since your the number one EBIL person I know, who's the second?
I've never really thought about it, because it doesn't really matter. After all, we all know second place is merely the first of the losers.
_________________________________________
Ugh... I think the blood rushing to my mighty moglin brain is beginning to get to me. Before I black out, I should probably remind you to keep submitting your questions to Zorbak@battleon.com, or submit them via the contact link at http://www.ebilgames/com. Either way, I'll pick the ones I deem worthy of my attention and answer them for your continued edification in a future edition. Farewell until next issue... In the meantime, I'm just going to stare at the bright, pretty colors that are blossoming before my eyes...
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