Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Curses, Foiled Again!
by Rimblade
There are three things all Adventurers know by heart:
1) Monsters are LOADED with gold, which will leap directly into your purse as soon as they've been dispatched.
2) Death is never really a big deal until it happens to someone who is either nameless or evil
3) 'Cursed Weapon' just means 'Even better at magical killing than most weapons'*
These facts can serve an adventurer well in any quest, be it saving the world or plucking a cat from a tree. Millions of adventurers, indeed, have saved the world millions of times, and rescued a single cat**, and for their efforts have been rewarded with a multitude of cursed items which they have happily equipped and gone a-questing with.
...and then again, a few have been very, very sorry.
There are a very few magically-enchanted artifacts which are cursed in bad ways. Handling, touching, licking and even looking at objects of this sort often has negative side-effects which are not, in any way, alleviated by sudden boosts of weapon damage. This sort of thing is rare enough that even experienced adventurers are fooled; and the next thing you know, they're nothing but piles of bone. Here are a few of the persistently unlucky items uncovered throughout the years:
The Extremely Unlucky Ball - A little-known and highly mysterious artifact, the Extremely Unlucky Ball was discovered in Darkovia some centuries ago- a hard sphere bound with the hide of several black cats, it is notable in that it extrudes a ladder when squeezed and constantly dispenses salt without being shaken. No known owners have ever died from this bauble; but quite a few of them have been seen charging up to the homes of disliked relatives, hair mussed, feet in buckets and clothes smoking, to spontaneously give it away.
The Shimmering Diamond - The Shimmering Diamond is one of the largest such crystals ever discovered in the history of Lore, and therefore a popular auction item at occultist gatherings. One of the more dramatically accursed items, new owners who are aware of the diamond's history invariably hire less well-educated adventurers to 'hold this for me' when not in use, primarily because it appears to attract ghosts of every sort; a popular belief is that those who died while owning the gem still covet it in death, although a more practical proposition is that some previous wizardly owner cursed it for his own amusement. They do that.
The Doomed Axe - This rather insidious creation appears to have been forged in emulation of a Doom weapon, one of the more benign accursed objects of power. Sadly for those adventurers who snap this weapon up, thinking themselves lucky, the curse does not express itself in the form of vast dark power, but rather by never hitting anything the wielder swings at. As the new owner flails ineffectually at the nearest sneevil, they
can enjoy the certain knowledge that this weapon has, indeed, Doomed them.
The Accursed Evil Soul-Eating Terror Idol - Discovered in old Paxia (before the area was claimed by various elemental beings), this idol is that of a psychotic-looking man with sharp fangs, wrought of obsidian. Near the bottom of the idol is the inscription "As soon as you go to sleep I will eat your soul", which flashes neon green in every conceivable language. Despite this knowledge, the idol has taken the lives of over two hundred wealthy collectors since it was first introduced. A series of quotes from late owners reveal the fatal attraction:
'I thought, you know, it meant "Except for you", eh?'
'It was obviously just there to scare me.'
'I kept a stout stick by the bed in case of trouble!'
'Got it insured and got me insured- if it kills me, I get money; if it don't work, I get money! I cannot lose!'
'That's a pretty light, isn't it!?'
Tiny Doily - A palm-sized doily discovered amidst the buried ruins of the city of Arghraba, this piece is one of the most obviously cursed objects on this list; touching it will cause your entire body to burst instantly into flames. Despite the best efforts of top magi, no method of unweaving the terrifying thing has been discovered, therefore it has been moved to a secret location under the sea, guarded at all times by elite bands of paladin-trained porpoise guards.
Purse with Hole in it - This mightily accursed leather satchel is unremarkable in all ways, save for a tiny hole at the bottom- and the fact that, no matter how much money you fill it with, it will always swiftly empty. Many are the merchants who have been ruined by this diabolical device, allegedly screaming 'Ruined! I'm ruined!', only to find, moments later, that their money had mysteriously re-appeared at their feet.
The Zardian Magazine - Few readers may be aware that The Zardian was once a printed periodical; filled with all the latest news and gossip, it was delivered across Lore by wind elementals bound into service by the potent mages the Zardian offices kept on retainer. That was, of course, until the unfortunate article by ex-author Jones Jawsalot. Mr. Jawsalot thought it would be awfully funny to write a story on the various 'accidents'
Warlic allegedly experienced until he was ten years old. Sadly, Mr. Warlic took offense to that and levied a potent curse upon the entire news team, so that anyone who held the magazine would be swiftly compelled to travel to the Zardian offices and beat the authors with rolled-up newspapers.
And that is why we no longer do print runs.
This Article - Let's be honest here; we really should have told you that this article was accursed before you went ahead and read it. It was a bit of a screw-up, and entirely my bad. So, I suppose you deserve to know what's going to happen now! First, it looks like you will swell with b- oh, dear. Uh, then you will lose all of the bloodflow in... and that's followed by... turning purple. And exploding.
Hmm. Really, now that you've been cursed, you don't need to know exactly what's going to happen, right? Plus if I try to print any of the symptoms, the editors would just have to censor them anyway, so it wouldn't do you any good anyway.
Still, I hope you found this all informative! For a little while.
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*No living being knows why these three in particular are so well-known, but top scientists are working on it.
**Said cat has appeared in every book or game involving a cat since the beginning of time. His name is Mr. Whiskers, and he is a master of disguise.
< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 3/4/2010 10:37:52 >
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