Verlyrus
DragonFable Boxcat
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Note: Orig. Firefly. Placed here for response. Not in a giant quote box, 'cause that would be difficult to read.
Your Critique as Requested from the "Need a Hand? I've Got a Few" Workshop
Usual notes: What I say is my opinion only. You're the poet, so feel free to disagree with any of my suggestions. However, do note that I'm trying my best to help (no matter how harsh I sound), so I hope you'll seriously consider the points of the critique.
Due to how much poetry you have, I'll probably have to take several sessions on the critique. I'll edit in stuff later as I work my way through the poems (or make a new post if someone replies to the thread before I'm done). And I've copied the poems into a Word document and ordered them by number, with the title poems last. I hope I have the right versions and don't miss any poems, since you do have them scattered all over the thread.
Onto the critique!
19: This is a very interesting poem, and I really like the emotion in it. I love how the narrator is alternatively childish and determined. I do think you could've done a better job with the diction, such as eliminating some extra words and not repeating stuff like "piece" and "fall" but that's your stylistic choice.
quote:
watching everything fall out of place
every piece is from a different picture ("is" is rather unnecessary here, in my opinion)
to build up a corner, a side
and watch it fall to pieces.
what it could have been. ("it" is also unnecessary and it wrecks the flow and parallelism. In poetry, flow is more important than nitty-gritty grammar as long as it makes sense. At least, that's my view)
should have been.
would have been.
what the hell.
screw the world.
this puzzle is too hard.
to find a corner,
a part of the picture,
to see the fire and the lights,
in the silence and the pauses,
makes it all worth
trying for
again.
20: Very powerful, evocative imagery here. Unfortunately, the major downfall is that I can't really detect a meaning, so the power is somewhat diminished. However, again, the images were a real treat, word-candy of the highest degree. Awesome ending, by the way. The moon dancing with the sun... just beautiful.
quote:
the moon watches,
obscured by clouds,
the twisting fire rolling flames flying embers (ack. I really love how you break grammar here and the imagery is /gorgeous/, but the "the" really broke the flow for me. Please take it out? I just love this so much that I couldn't stand to see the "the" smearing it up)
blackened wood charred grass grey smoke
alone. (this kinda came out from nowhere and is confusing. What's alone? The moon? The fire? The smoke? The wood? I think you're using this to separate the two parts of the poem. If so, use a line break or find a more fitting word)
and the moon watches
the clouds float by,
and shines through them,
no less diminished,
and tries to dance with
the sun.
23: I could really relate to this. The feeling of thinking about too much... ah yes. I can /never/ think of nothing, which is why I suck at falling asleep. But enough about me! I like this poem for how you've integrated the concrete with the surreal. However, if I may make a very controversial suggestion, I suggest you use three different words instead of "racing" three times. Same goes for "beating" though that sounded a bit better (since it mimics the beat). I know it's a stylistic choice, but for the racing part, it sounded like, well... it sounded like you were too lazy to think of different verbs. Final call is yours, of course.
quote:
wake up in the morning,
thoughts racing racing racing, (unnecessary comma)
through the mind,
as though it forgot to dream.
chainsaws and cellos and homework and bathtubs and knives
and paintings and books and talk of yesterday and computers
and lights and electricity and life and
music.
gets stuck right there.
beating beating beating away
in the back of the head
stop.
clear the mind,
focus on the nothingness,
and drift away.
and come back to the world.
and the concert's over, (unnecessary and flow-breaking)
the race cars stopped.
the stadium quiet.
and the mind begins to coil (not sure if "coil" is really the best word choice here. Heck, I think even "uncoil" would work better)
the burdens of the day.
24: Not much to say about this one, since it's so short. I'm not a fan of using capitals to indicate tone (what else is diction for?) but it's your choice. I like how you twisted it with the ending.
quote:
Shut Up.
don't want to hear it anymore,
don't want your lies, your tales,
your falsified apologies. (a plain "false" works fine)
Just Say What You Mean.
get it out. ("get" is a bit generic and unpowerful. Perhaps "spit"? But that's a bit cliche, but no more so than "get"... Hmm)
i don't care.
nor do you.
I Could Care Less.
i wish.
25: I love how you twist the dream into nightmare so quickly and powerfully. Perhaps a little /too/ quickly, since my brain had trouble following.
quote:
break
from the world into sleep,
into dreams,
where you are invulnerable,
a heroic knight,
a legendary spy, (I'd switch the order, putting "a legendary spy" before "a heroic knight" because you follow up with the dragon. And knights are usually the ones associated with dragons, so putting that closer to dragon rather than putting the spy close to dragon makes more sense)
in trouble,
a dragon’s snack,
where you are digested,
into nightmares,
awaken,
coming back into (when you awaken, you're usually coming back /from/ darkness, not /into/ darkness)
darkness.
Be back later. So far, I love your imagery, could relate to many of your poems, but hope you pay greater attention to diction and theme.
Firstly, thank you. I'm terribly sorry that it took so long to get this up, and I want you to know that I appreciate it very much that you took the time to read and comment on my work.
19.
Hmm. I kept the "is" because I intended that line to be a little flow breaking, to emphasize the confusion of building a puzzle where no two pieces are from the same set. It breaks the flow, just as the puzzle is broken.
Regarding "it". True, removal would result in a better flow, but with it there, it creates a sort of avalanche. It is not supposed to flow smoothly from one part to another. It marks the end of contemplation and the sudden fall into childishness.
20.
Regarding "the" and "alone". Ah. The moon is not watching any fire, it is watching the fire. Without "the", it becomes unclear. As for "alone", it's supposed to be confusing. You're supposed to take it to refer to any or all of the possibilities, for there is only one moon, watching the only one fire.
23.
Hehe. I kinda liked the comma there. It provides a pause, as though you have to pause because of the momentum of the racing racing racing before you can materialize your next thought.
Regarding "and". Yes, it breaks the flow, but again, this is intentional. It provides a mental slowing down to the comprehension of the poem, reinforcing the meaning of the lines at that point.
Regarding "coil". Oooh. I rather thought it was like an engine starting up from a stop, starting to spin and wind up what will come. I'm sorry, but I cannot see what the meaning would be with "uncoil".
24.
Regarding "falsified". The word falsified implies preemptive thought, while false would imply a made up on the spot excuse. I also think falsified fits the meter better.
Regarding "get". I agree. "Get" is a weak word. Thanks for pointing that out! [replaced with spit]
25.
Regarding "into". Yes, normally one would wake from a nightmare from darkness, but what if the world is a nightmare? If you are trying to escape your feelings and pain by dreaming (Break from the world sever the connection), when you awaken, you are simply plunged back into the darkness.
Thank you again! This was very helpful and informative! I am aware that I need to watch my diction a bit more. I'm a terrible sucker for repetition and reiteration. I will watch for some of those over confusing breaks in my future poetry.
..LT
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