Fleur Du Mal
Member
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Hiya!
I read the two chapters you've posted, and I found the story very interesting so far. In my opinion, you are doing quite nicely with intriguing the readers and pulling them into the story so that they just have to find out what is going to happen next.
However, there are a few technical oddities here and there. I think your story would benefit from more proofreading, so that you would catch the few typos you have in there. Another thing to watch out for is keeping the tense consistent. It seems you are shifting between the past and the present tense for quite a bit.
Grammar-wise, some of the commas are rather odd. For example, you don't need them after a name if you are not addressing the said person. So, this comma should be removed:
quote:
Zane, was a self proclaimed hacker.
And when you are addressing someone, even if with a self-made title, you'll need the comma. For example, there's one missing here before 'old man':
quote:
Hehe, you're losing it old man.
->
quote:
Hehe, you're losing it, old man.
Another grammar-thingy that seems to be off is punctuation with quotations. The basic formula for quotes would be this:
"I really don't believe that," he said.
So, the period at the end of the quoted sentence is replaced with a comma, and the last part of the sentence coming after the quotation is not capitalized.
Applying the above here:
quote:
"Hey Mom, hey Dad." He said as he sat down.
would give:
quote:
"Hey, Mom, hey, Dad," he said as he sat down.
When the quoted sentence ends with a question or an exclamation mark, that is left as is, but the following part is not capitalized:
quote:
"Robert!" Called a woman, my wife, in a nearby car. "Hurry up, we've got to pick up John from baseball practice."
->
quote:
"Robert!" called a woman, my wife, in a nearby car. "Hurry up, we've got to pick up John from baseball practice."
That's all I got for now. =) I might later add a comment or two about point of views and pacing, too, if I can get my thoughts together. Mondays...
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