Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

Dark Waltz, Comments.

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> Dark Waltz, Comments.
Page 1 of 212>
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
3/11/2010 22:06:40   
Sir Nicholas
Member

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=17369127&mpage=1&key=?

My first story in six months, come to fruition.

Author’s Note: Special thanks to John Paul Richie, Nichole Leaycraft, and Breanna DeVries, and to all my family for their blessings and their support, without which this would not be possible.

Three years have passed since the great battle for Elysium, and the Paladin Order has grown and expanded. Many new cities have been created since the dark army’s first true defeat.
However, while the forces of Light have grown stronger – so too have their enemies. The sinister Death Knight, Lord Malum has established his own Order: The Black Knights of Chaos. Every day, more and more people join or are forced into service to his madness.
Many battles have been fought since then, and the paladin Sir William has grown into a powerful force for good.
Many speculate that it is only a matter of time before the young knight becomes a true Champion. The conclusion of our great tale is about to begin, but will the forces of Light triumph? Or will the Dark Powers swallow the world whole?
Holy Knights

Prologue:
Bishop’s Grove, somewhere in the Italian countryside.
The rain poured over the little township of Bishop’s Grove – forcing many of its inhabitants to seek shelter at the inn, or under awnings, or wherever covering could be provided. Anyone outside would be caught in the drizzle and would be soaked. The evening mist hung low over the town, and the night air was cool for this time of year. The cold was so palpable that one’s breath could be easily seen, even in the dark of the night where the only sources of illumination were torches and lampposts.
This did not present a problem for two figures walking through the town’s street however. One male and one female; both hooded and cloaked. They had no trouble piercing the darkness – even without the use of torches. They were strangers, but the people of the Grove were a warm and welcoming people – and they had built a little town on the frontier as a beacon of Humanity on the border of a wasteland.
However, unlike the majority of the weary travelers, they did not seek shelter – but something else.
They did not find what they were looking for, however, instead the man knelt upon the prone form of a child they found on the side of the road near the town’s eastern border.
Barely aged ten, he was still and silent and his body was thin and desiccated. Like the mummified corpse of the kings of old, his limbs were shriveled and his eyes sunken, but from the decay of the flesh, he was but freshly dead.
The man crossed himself and pulled back his hood, allowing his hair – which was long and black to fall loose. His rough cut features were grim with sadness and he looked down at the child’s form with misty eyes. Green and full of pity, they stared down and silently he began to pray.
“Sir William, we must move on.” Said the woman, placing one of her slender hands on the man’s shoulder – as though to comfort him. “This is not a place to grieve.”
“I will not leave this poor soul unburied Sophia.” Replied Will, reaching down and taking the boy’s form into his arms, and he rose in one swift and smooth motion. “God in Heaven, have mercy on this child.” He intoned while carrying the boy aloft, the child’s head held close to his chest. “Lord bless his soul, for he is innocent and deserves only the rewards of Paradise.”
As though reacting to his prayers, the child’s form abruptly began to move. The ‘corpse’ had jerked free of the man’s grip and was on its feet almost immediately. The eye sockets were aglow with green fire, and the boy’s mouth had opened and let out an inhuman screech.
“A ghoul!” Sophia exclaimed, reaching into her robes and pulling out a staff, which extended and energized at her touch. “Be wary paladin. These are not undead – but are of the damned nevertheless. They feed on human flesh – for they are cannibals.”
He nodded and threw aside his cloak – revealing a set of shining plate armor beneath. Strapped to his back was his weapon of choice: A warhammer made from adamantine, blessed and inscribed with runes that were anathema to the demonic.
The ghoul was already on the attack – and its claws raked at his armor, trying to pry open the steel and have at the flesh beneath, but Sir William had drawn his weapon – and he swung, easily bringing it around despite its size and weight.
The hammerhead connected to the creature’s chest, sending it flying until it landed, several yards away with its body pulverized. It lay still and did not rise again.
“Be on your guard.” Sophia warned, her eyes scanning their surroundings. “These creatures often hunt in packs. They live in graveyards and are attracted by the smell of the freshly dead.”
He nodded and shouldered his hammer and though he was unafraid, he kept himself on alert.
He had faced these creatures many times in the past – and had fought far worse than them. There was no way that a small band of these things would defeat a fully trained paladin. Even so, he well remembered the lesson of the past not to underestimate his foes. In this world, survival meant that one had to be wary – and to endure was to be cautious at every turn.

“Here come more of them.” He said grimly, pointing towards the nearest building, and around it stalked many grey and black shapes. Their dull eyes were hardly visible in the dim light, but the stench of them could not be mistaken – and they reeked of carrion. Some wore only bits of cloth and tattered rags, and others were completely bare before the rain. All of them had sharp claws and teeth – and they growled and stalked towards the pair.
“This is just like the time at Fort Swordhood in Germany.” Said Sophia with a grin as she raised her staff in defense. “Do you remember Will? When we fought that horde together?”
He returned the grin. “Indeed I do, my Lady. That was not a year ago, if I recall.” He shot back, brandishing his hammer against the nearest of their foes. The creatures violently recoiled as the radiant aura surrounding the paladin increased in intensity and brightness – and they screamed as both warriors laid into them with their blessed weapons.
A pity that the dead no longer stayed in the ground where they belonged, Will thought as a zombie lurched into his line of sight; one of the true undead – this was a different “breed”. They were slow and ponderous, but were deadly in large numbers, and they did not feel pain or fear.

Unfortunately for them, Sir William was no longer cowed by the horror of it all, no longer the scared orphan boy – homeless and alone. He had grown – and there was no fear or hesitation as he began to fight back. The first zombie fell to his hammer with one swing, and its skull split open like a melon as the blow connected.
The next one was dealt with just as easily, and it was reduced to ashes by the touch of his radiantly glowing hammer.
Another wave had appeared, and they advanced with a single-mindedness that reminded him of a swarm of ants from a hill. Nevertheless, he stood his ground. Keeping his fear under control, he instead channeled it into detestation for these creatures – and transferred that rage into violence.
His gleaming hammer smashed into the stomach of the nearest creature – caving it in and toppling it. Behind him, Sophia was casting spells and intoning prayers of exorcism – repelling her own attackers with swings from her quarterstaff. The elven priestess was right at home when fighting the undead and her powers were similar to William’s. She however relied on a more cerebral approach instead of brute force, and it was also with the mind that she fought – using her knowledge of the creature’s own anatomy against them; striking and smiting whenever a weak-spot presented itself.
So it had been for the past three years that she and Sir William had fought and bled together across countless battlefields. Their bond, forged from mutual respect and trust, had been tempered by their time together and become absolute and sacred.
“The Lord of Heaven has blessed this ground.” She murmured while holding off two of her foes. The glow surrounding Sir William had begun to shift and soon engulfed Sophia as well. “We exorcise you – every unclean spirit: Every demonic power and every incursion of the infernal adversary; be gone from this world.”
The paladin joined in. “Thus do we invoke the name of God – the sacred and terrible name by which those down below tremble.” He said while raising his arms for another blow. “Cursed demons, every diabolical legion and sect – we adjure you. Return to the void from whence you have come!”
The prayer completed, their faith was channeled into white flames. It was like a bomb exploding; and a blast of fire engulfed the surrounding foes and turned them all to ash. Only fading screams remained of those that were hit – and their outlines faded into black mist.
Through the terrible destruction, Sir William sensed that these were only the frontline soldiers – cannon fodder meant to weaken the pair. It was a simple strategy to weigh down the paladin and his companion with the weight of numbers against those that were without fear and without mercy.
Another wave advanced over the ashes of their fallen comrades – indifferent to their losses and the possibility of their destruction. The undead were mindless and did not feel pain or fear – and they almost never fought alone.
They were followed by another pack of ghouls, and in addition – a black smoke-like substance that appeared from beyond the tree line: A pair of glowing red eyes swirled about in the center of the mist – and it radiated a sense of madness and evil. No appendages or limbs were visible – but it let out a screech that chilled even Will’s fierce heart.
“A wraith!” Sophia cried. “Keep your distance, for its touch is deadly!”
Sir William had heard of these kinds of creatures before – animated spirits native to the shadows. They despised bright light and could drain the life of their victims through touch.
“I will handle the ghouls!” Sir William said, raising his hammer in defense. “Sophia, you deal with smoky.”
She nodded, and the paladin was grateful for her cool head. He turned his attention back to the creatures on the ground and analyzed the situation. He counted thirty of them in total, and with Sophia fighting the wraith, he was alone.
Fair odds for any paladin He thought as a mirthless grin spread across his face.
Sir William was a member of a knightly brotherhood called the Paladin Order, and he was at one time the prized protégé of one of its most senior members, Sir Andrew. He had been fully inducted into the Order at age 21, which was 3 years ago. The years had been kind to him – both physically and mentally. He had grown much taller and far stronger from the harsh training and constant warfare.
Will’s appearance was not the only thing that had changed. His power and experience had grown considerably, and he could now call upon greater abilities than he’d ever thought possible. Truly, he thought – Heaven did not know limits. Humans were limited in their scope of the universe – but therein lay the mystery of faith.
It was through their piety that the paladins gained strength. Through it they established a connection with Heaven – and they could unleash that power. Whether for healing or smiting their enemies, that connection would broaden and deepen with time, and the paladin became a living extension of the will of God.
This power was reflected in Sir William as he fought against the ghouls – swinging his hammer left and right in wide arcs, occasionally stopping to blast groups of them into ash with bolts of white lightning from his fingertips. His aura exploded outwards in a blast of fire and gold energy – incinerating the remainder of his opponents.
When the ash had cleared, he looked up and watched as Sophia struggled against her own opponent. The shadowy creature had tried several times to swoop down and snatch her off the ground – but as it did so, she spun her staff and unleashed a spherical coil of energy that tore part of its billowing cloak. The creature shrieked and howled as the elf’s blast ripped through its very essence, draining it.
The paladin watched admiringly as Sophia began to murmur words of power in an arcane language. Her small hands were suffused with a soft golden glow, and she began to direct it towards the wraith – and in moments she completed the incantation.
A bolt of lightning shot from her palms like a crossbow and struck straight and true – and the shadowy creature let loose one final, defiant cry – and vanished.
The paladin playfully thumped his hand against his breastplate, a gesture which she had become familiar with – and he laid his other hand on her shoulder as a token of affection and congratulations.
“I have to hand it to you my Lady, I am truly impressed.” He said, offering her a winning grin. “Very few can banish a wraith with naught but a word.”
She returned the smile, but pushed his arm away – another playful gesture. “You haven’t changed Will: Still such a creep.”
He chuckled to himself – the danger temporarily forgotten as they walked forward, confident that the threat had passed, for the moment at least.


Chapter 1:
Sir William and Sophia had found what they were looking for in the local graveyard. Needless to say the entire place was awash with the undead. Hundreds of them simply lumbered about, hunting for living prey. Clearly a powerful necromancer had used this once sacred ground to build an army of them. The pair had stopped near the outskirts of the necropolis in the shade of a large dead tree – and had spent several minutes readying themselves, both physically and mentally for what was to come.
Chances were that the sorcerer or Death knight commanding here had been up to much more than just digging up the dead and raising them. The stench of black magic was palpable in the air – and Sir William’s shield of faith went up in alarm. The wraith that they had fought earlier was a sign that their enemy was well aware that the paladins would attack his territory sooner or later.
That meant that he was probably well prepared.
Unfortunately for him, so were his enemies. Sophia laid down a kit of her equipment from within her robes, spreading out the usual anti undead weapons and devices: Holy water, silver stakes, relics and even a few specially crafted bombs that harnessed the power of the sun itself. Adradim the dwarf had once shown her how to make them, and she had taken to the art quickly, and found it useful.
“So what’s the plan then?” Will asked, setting aside his hammer for a moment and checking all the joints and spots on his armor, making sure that they were properly adjusted. “I take it that our options are limited to stealth or to barging in spells blazing and singing ‘we’re here to free this land of the undead – come and have a go if you think you’re good enough!’ – am I right?”
She looked at him with a serious expression, and he sobered. Normally she might engage him – but her eyes indicated this wasn’t the proper time for jokes.
“Sorry.” He said sheepishly, rubbing the backside of his head with one hand. “But really, we had best go about this with caution. No doubt the enemy won’t be giving us a second chance.”
“I have a feeling you’re right.” She replied at last, attuning her staff with holy water. “Though I must admit – it is good to see your sense of humor has returned.” She added with a smile. “I had thought the cheerful young man I met all those years ago was gone for good.”
He withdrew, only for a moment, but he then grinned winningly. “Well – he’s always been there. I had thought you preferred the strong silent type – but now I realize you prefer the other me that can make you laugh!”
She nodded and silently approved of the sudden change in his mood. She had always worried about Sir William, especially since he had lost the only father figure he had ever known – during that fateful day some three years ago. The battles since then had hardened him, and though she had known he would emerge stronger for it, a part of her wondered if he was still that hurting young man that she had first met.
She realized he had a penchant for burying his emotions beneath his actions and a wicked wit, but in the years she had known him – he seemed to finally begin to open up to her. Truth be told it was nice, even for that short time, to see him actually try to impress her. It made her think there was still some piece of his former good cheer left in him, and the thought comforted her.
“Let us go, we have an enemy that demands our ministrations.”

The further the pair ventured into the graveyard, the faster and more numerous came the undead. At one point the monsters attacked in such numbers that the two living fighters found themselves back-to-back, ducking and dodging every attacker and dispatching them with single blows.
Once again, Sir William found the Light swell up inside him, and a single radiant voice sprang up in his mind – singing a sustained note – and it was followed by another. And then another, until there was a silvery choir that drowned out all the din of battle.
This was the connection with Heaven, he thought fuzzily – and the undead were weakened by its power, and his weapon was a conduit for that bond. It channeled and directed the Light and it protected him. That was the reason why he had chosen a hammer as his primary weapon – a symbolic way of passing his judgment upon the enemy. That was why his hammer so resembled a judge’s gavel.
The hammer erupted into flames as it connected with the enemy – either reducing them to black ash or crushing them into pulp. Rotten limbs and desiccated bodies were pulverized beneath him, while those still standing were consumed by the radiant aura. He swung again, sweeping and bashing aside every zombie that stood in his way. Claws and teeth raked ineffectually across his armor, searching for a weak-spot.
Sophia was behind him the whole way, casting spells and fending off the creatures with her quarterstaff. Her movements were much faster than his, and she was graceful and cerebral in her blows – no less deadly despite her small frame.
Slowly but surely the pair made their way through the hordes of the contorted fiends towards the graveyard’s entrance – and they were making steady progress with the number of creatures they had already killed. The iron gates of the cemetery were old and rusted shut, but the undead seemed to have no trouble scaling its walls as they went on the attack.
“Will, get the door!” Sophia called over her shoulder during a lull in the fighting. “I will cover you.”
Without hesitation, Will broke into a run and shoved his way through the creatures attempting to impede him. Clutching his hammer’s haft with both hands, he brought it down with all his strength – shattering the gate and knocking both of the doors clean off their hinges. The creatures paused only for a moment – but that was all he needed, and he sheared the heads off of two of them before the rest scattered and fled.
Having a moment of rest, Will leaned on his hammer and tried to catch his breath and collect his thoughts. The undead never ran from a fight unless called by their master – which meant that their presence was known to their enemy, and chances were this meant they would soon be attacked by the largest and strongest creatures in the swarm.
Sophia cast a healing spell – and he felt himself refreshed as the light enveloped him in a brief flash. The aches and pains from swinging his hammer and lugging around his set of heavy armor had vanished, and he was fully recovered.
They stared at each other in respect for a moment. For only an instant their eyes were locked together and all the troubles of the world felt far away. Sir William had always thought Sophia to be attractive, right from the minute he’d laid eyes on her – but he could not help but now see her, quite literally, in a whole new light.
The illusion was broken as the telltale sound of the shuffling feet echoed across the graveyard. Both living fighters turned their heads – and were greeted by the hideous sight of another horde of zombies lurching towards them. It was far larger in size than the previous waves – and creatures of all sizes were approaching; from the miniscule to beasts the size of horses.
“They don’t give up do they?” Sir William asked rhetorically and tightened his grip on the haft of his hammer. “I have a feeling we’re drawing closer to our goal. The necromancer that commands here must be nearby. Can you handle this on your own?” He turned to her with a look of concern. “We will find him faster if we split up, though I wonder if…”
Her cold glare stopped him in midsentence, and he remembered just who he was talking to. She drew back her staff into a fighting stance and flashed him a wink and a reassuring smile.
“Good hunting paladin. Try not to take too long – I have much to keep me busy, but we don’t have time for games.”
And with that, she was off in a swirl of red and gold; spraying fire and gold energy from her weapon – bringing down a number of her foes.
Sir William watched her go, but only for a moment, and he turned his attention to the east – and he ran.


It hadn’t been too difficult to navigate his way through the remaining hordes that attempted to impede his progress – until at last he found what he was looking for: A crypt larger and more ornately built than all the surrounding graves. It was likewise more heavily guarded, for a full battalion of skeleton knights stood vigil over the entrance.
These it seemed were stronger and more intelligent than the filth the undead threw into the thick of it – and they wore heavy armor and carried massive swords of dark iron.
Where another champion might hesitate, Sir William was resolute. He had been taught that the paladins were the last line of defense – and that if they faltered, Humanity would not survive. That was why they fought – to uphold the will of God and to ensure that Mankind saw another dawn.
Truth be told, there was also more to it than that. Will did not just fight out of duty – he fought because it was fun. As he laid into the first of the skeletons, he enjoyed it, every minute of it – the rush of the adrenaline, the thrill of fighting for his life, the challenge of testing his strength against the unholy – everything. In the time that he had matured, he discovered that the intensity of the battles fought excited him greatly.
The thought of slaying other humans had always slightly disturbed him, but these were not men anymore – they were carcasses devoid of souls. It was easy to think of them in this way.
The hammer flared with power and he felt the comforting embrace envelop him. The creatures spreading out to surround him violently recoiled as they were exposed to it, and Will took this opportunity to destroy several of them with single swings – and their bones were scattered and smashed, armor dented and swords broken before the onslaught.
He turned again, this time unleashing his full power against the entire group – and forked lightning appeared from his fingertips and jetted through the whole lot of them, sparking and crackling with energy. The creatures shrieked briefly as they were hit before they collapsed. Their remains steamed and smelled with odors that made his stomach turn.
Ignoring the feeling of dread that pitted in his stomach, Sir William slammed his hammer into the great stone door – smashing it into pieces with one blow. Beneath was a long staircase that descended into a murky blackness. Raising his hammer like an improvised torch, the paladin made his way down.

Chapter 2:
Sophia ducked and wove around the mass of foes before her, casting spells and cutting into them with the sharp edge at the end of her staff – occasionally stopping to draw a quick breath. The corpses of at least a dozen of the creatures lay around her, now truly dead. She hefted the weight of her quarterstaff over her shoulder and lunged – piercing one of the attacking ghouls through the chin and digging the edge into its head.
Turning aside, she easily hefted the creature off the ground and sent it flying into a cluster of its brethren. With that, she leaped and tumbled over the heads of a number of her attackers – simultaneously firing bolts of electricity into their ranks – frying several of them. The arc of lightning cast through their slender frames like rods, and they fell stiff and silent.
She was sure that she could hold her own against them, provided that not too many came at her at once.
The battles she had fought had been long and draining, but fortunately priests were well versed in the arts of healing and rejuvenation. Moreover, the fewer undead that could oppose Sir William were enemies that were now assaulting her – a thought which pleased her, gave her strength to lift her weary arms for another blow.
Finally the creatures began to change their strategy – which she took as a sign that she was making progress. Though the undead themselves were mindless automatons, the powers controlling them had recognized her and the paladin as a threat. They knew that simply barreling towards her from one direction would not suffice.
Instead, the larger beasts were forced into the front ranks – where they would take the brunt of her magic. The lesser creatures would then push forward when the last of them had fallen or when they had surrounded her. Every time, however, she would duck or leap out of a cluster of her foes, leaving behind a surging blast of energy that destroyed all of her attackers.
The battle raged on, and she steadily felt her mana reserves giving way to the seemingly infinite hordes of creatures that attacked her – though she powered on through with sheer determination.
Abruptly, the horde stopped – and the beasts went stiff and silent – as though the necromancer controlling them had suddenly abandoned the effort.
Sophia took this moment to regroup, both mentally and physically – and she caught her breath, silently mouthing a prayer of thanks for the timely break from the fighting.
Her thoughts kept returning to Sir William, and suddenly she began to worry about him. Though she knew the paladin could handle himself in a fight – more so than herself, it was still natural that she thought of him.
They had spent much time together in the past few years, and they had grown close as friends. Mutual trust had given way to respect – forged and tempered by the number of times that they had saved each other’s lives.
She wondered though, how much the events in recent years had changed him. He had become more mature, certainly – definitely wiser and no longer so hot headed, but he often kept to himself. True – losing the man he had thought of as a father figure weighed heavily on his mind, but he had often claimed that he was no longer affected by that memory. His behavior however had convinced her otherwise.
The paladin had lately been prone to dark moods and moments of brooding, though Justinian, the Grand Master had said this was normal for the boy.
As Sophia gathered her thoughts, one shined above them all – a wondering of where this war would take the troubled paladin.


Sir William had indeed been in a foul temper as he descended through the depths of the crypt. Walking through the sepulcher with nothing but his hammer and his armor to light his way through – he was surrounded on all sides by shadows. It was enough to unsettle him, but not deter him. Very little truly bothered him – as he was a warrior of light; raised and trained to harness that fear and turn it into an implacable will to live.
His journey through the cavern had been peaceful – though unnerving. No enemies or obstacle had blocked him, but still that just made him even more suspicious. Usually the Necromancers would bar the way to their lairs with multitudes of deadly traps – or guards. This one was completely silent and still – and there was a thick coating of dust throughout the walls – and cobwebs, as though no one had intruded in this place for many years.
He had fought through many tombs and places such as this one in the past three years. Every time he had emerged victorious – eliminating many sorcerers and strongholds, crushing hundreds of undead and feeling his powers grow with every victory.
This was something different however, for the further in he went – the more the shadows danced and flitted across the walls – and the more enclosed the space seemed to become. He felt the air stifle and become cold – and his footsteps began to echo through the narrow corridor.
I never did like tight spaces He thought. The sooner I complete my mission, the sooner I can get out of here. This tunnel surely can’t go on for much longer.
But it did. Onwards and downwards – further into the depths until the sound of the rain outside had become but a distant memory.

Soon, Will was beginning to wonder if the shadows were really just images on the wall – or if they might just lash out at him. Then common sense and reason kicked in and he shook his head. Though wraiths were an enemy that often could be found among the demonic armies, rare were the times when they actually decided to hide underground.
Still, every so often Will would pause to gather his breath and his thoughts. The air had become thick and nearly chilled him to the bone, and he had to pull his cloak more tightly around his shoulders. His armor could protect him from some of the cold, but it was designed primarily to reduce the shock from impacts of swords and spears and arrows, not the elements.
Somewhere among his thoughts he wondered what it was that made the necromancers so inclined to the cold – and the dark, but he decided that he didn’t care.

Eventually, a glint of magical energy from a far off wall drew his attention forward – curious, he sauntered over and examined it, and the light radiated from his armor illuminated the intricate carvings, which were colored and ornately detailed.
Drawn right into the stone were pictures – most of them depicting humans wearing black clothes – standing around what looked like a great crater in the middle of a vast desert. The skies above them were blackened and the sun obscured by the clouds.
The next panel depicted another scene, this one inside the enormous fissure. From the depths, hideous creatures emerged – and all of them had scorching red eyes and sported many limbs or disfigurements. They were clearly inhuman, and yet they were somehow familiar.
Then it hit him – this was an ancient structure – one far beyond even the oldest records in the archives. It was showing him what had happened in the distant past – when the demonic hordes had first emerged, not from some other world – but from within the Earth itself. That made sense – and why the demonic horde had brought with them a foul air and dark clouds – the sun itself was harmful to them.
He had seen them appear from the ground, but he had thought they buried themselves in the earth to wait for prey, but never did he suspect that they instead emerged from some subterranean underworld. At a guess, there may have been some hidden passage to their home dimension, somewhere deep beneath the surface.
Before he could figure out what that meant – there came another distraction from the end of the tunnel to his left – and he fleetingly realized he had reached the bottom of the long corridor. There came the sound of the clanking of rusted metal and the long squeak of hinges turning – and then a light abruptly shone in his eyes – nearly blinding him, as a door was opened.
He walked forward unafraid but somewhat unsettled at the fact his enemy was aware of his presence. He gripped the shaft of his hammer uneasily, but firmly and looked around the chamber in horror.
Multiple corpses hung on meat-hooks on the ceiling, suspended by thick chains. Some of the bodies had been roughly bandaged or sewn together using different limbs – and in other places there were unfinished “experiments” constructed from the gruesome amalgamation of flesh and bone grafted onto metal frames.
It was like a factory of the unholy, and it had to be stopped.
Will grasped his hammer with both hands, muttered a solemn prayer, and charged.


Chapter 3:
A convoy of necromancers and undead steadily marched throughout the forest of the Pontic Mountains, intent on bringing supplies and troops to the forces besieging the Holy Lands further west, where the majority of Lord Ghull’s army had been positioned for the past several years.
A lieutenant of Lord Malum, he was a ruthless commander that had been given charge over the operations in Turkey. His orders were to establish a second front in the east so that the forces attacking from the north through the Lebanon could have a window of opportunity to invade the Holy Land directly.
Little did the fools realize there was a company of rangers waiting for the moment to strike. The leader of the group, a young woman by the name of Gwendolyn silently watched from her perch in between two pine trees. Around her were her forces, having traded the majority of their armor for leather and brown hued robes that would offer some measure of camouflage amidst the foliage.
Throughout most of the early crusades, the Pontic regions had been the staging area for the Necromancers. Troops passing through from the south and east would often use this forest for wood and fuel – and for the strategic location it occupied as a major resupply base for armies moving to and from the Black Sea to the north or throughout central Turkey to the west.
Large portions of the forest had been cleared away in those years – and the lumber that was taken was used to build fortifications and bases and outposts for the Dark Army as it advanced. Despite this, the area was left undermanned for many years – because the focus of the fighting had long shifted to the north into southern and eastern Europe.
However, while operations in this area had been slowed for a time, the renewal of Lord Malum’s crusade had seen the entire region again become alive with the hustle and bustle of industry and troop movements.
That is until the raids from the Crimean Raiders began.
No one was sure what had stirred them to action. Maybe it was by the request of the Order, or maybe it was the idea of the Chaos Knights expanding further north into the Slavic lands that had brought them down into Turkey.
Whatever the cause, large numbers of Slavic and Eastern troops from the Czar’s domain would mass and launch surprise attacks into enemy occupied lands during this time of year, especially in the winter, when the necromancer’s progress was slowed by the cold weather. The sorcerers sent by Lord Malum had found their efforts to drive the invaders out stymied time after time due to their intimate knowledge of fighting in forested areas.
And given that they could not simply burn the entire forest down due to a pressing need for lumber – the Dark Army had instead resorted to using large armies to transport their supplies. What no one had counted on was the fact that the raiders had intended this all along: As it gave them a chance to show their strength against numerically superior opponents.
Gwendolyn signaled her troops with hand gestures, and grabbed her bow from her back – and readied an arrow. Around her, the raiders did the same and picked individual targets among the passing companies of the undead forces. Because the majority of the forces composing this army were ones that did not feel pain or fear, it fell instead to target the living commanders; individual sorcerers or Death Knights that led the beasts into battle.
If their control were disrupted, even for a moment – the magic sustaining their forces would dissipate and the army would collapse.

For many days the raiders had been tracking the hideous army, ambushing individual companies and breaking down their command structure one little bit at a time. Dispatching one necromancer here or there had slowed the enemy’s progress, but it was now time to end this here. If the enemy were allowed to conquer the Holy Land, morale throughout Europe would plummet.
Better to snuff out the threat here and now.
Gwen took aim at the lead figure at the head of the army: A tall and regal figure carrying a banner, the heraldry of which depicted a small elongated skull with a knife jutting from the top. This was clearly an army sent from Mist-Peak, which was in the Far East. The herald was completely unaware of her warriors, and he had neglected to post scouts or advance units.
The closer he drew towards her hiding place, the smaller her window of opportunity to attack – but still she waited, the seconds ticking by. The archers around her hesitated, though they had been eager to engage the enemy and finish this battle – they obeyed, waiting for the signal.
Finally she drew back her arrow and released. The shaft was sent sailing through the air and buried itself in the herald’s neck – a clean hit. All around her the other raiders were doing the same – picking out targets and bringing them down with single shots.
The undead forces in the advance ranks parted and scattered almost immediately as confusion gripped the living commanders. The continuing fire from the other raiders that Gwen had positioned on the opposite side of the gorge had provided them a measure of cover and concealment, and it also added to the illusion that her forces could strike from anywhere and then vanish without a trace.
Against the hideous creatures in the bulk of the army, this would do very little – but at least it kept the sorcerers from pinpointing their location, and when added to the fact the undead did not think – this turned their greatest strength against them. Another hand signal and her warriors ceased fire immediately, instead pulling back for the second phase of her plan.
Gwen shouldered her bow and was off as quick as her feet could take her. She had sacrificed armor in the way of speed – and her light frame made her a difficult target, especially with the level of agility she had trained to. She leaped up and over several fallen logs, and one of her raiders had thrown her a short sword.
She caught it effortlessly and drew the blade from its scabbard, and with that she cut the ropes sustaining the trap.
So the Black Knights want lumber? They can have it. She thought with a smirk.
It was with a satisfaction she had not felt in years that she watched as the logs rolled down the hill – at least a dozen of them. They were enormous; cut from the ancient trees within the forest and carried up the summit for this very purpose. The entire mechanism was simple but extremely effective – and in moments the enemy’s leading company had been flattened or scattered as the remaining forces tried to reform their ranks, despite losing hundreds of their number to the crude trick.
“Lady Gwendolyn.”
The ranger stopped what she was doing and turned at the sound. One of her scouts had appeared, saluted and waited for her to fully turn her attention to him.
“What is it soldier?” She asked, slightly annoyed at the interruption. “Speak quickly.”
“Yes ma’am. We have had reports that another army is massing to the east. Apparently, they were laying in wait just a few leagues from our position, waiting for us to launch our attack. Mostly skeletal riders and some hunter demons, forming up on their center and marching through the forest – heading right this way.”
Damn it, she thought grimly, the cursed demons had known that she would strike at this army, and so they had prepared a second one. It seemed as though their commander was totally unconcerned with their losses. Even if the raiders could somehow destroy this army, they would be weakened and left unprepared for the next attack.
Her mind was buzzing with unanswered questions. How did the enemy get so many troops in such a short time? Where did they get all the supplies and resources? But principal among them was to wonder just how powerful – how terrible was this Death Knight, Lord Malum, that he could command such an army?
Out of all of Gwen’s doubts, there was one thing – a shining certainty that kept her going.


< Message edited by Sir Nicholas -- 12/27/2012 16:46:35 >
AQ  Post #: 1
3/11/2010 22:39:13   
deathwalker05
Member

Nice, and if i didnt say it before, welcome back to the forums. Some diferences since writing academy, but still good story.
AQ  Post #: 2
3/17/2010 19:58:37   
Sir Nicholas
Member

New chapter up.
AQ  Post #: 3
3/22/2010 9:57:09   
Crimzon5
Member

Still good stuff, Sir Nicholas! Just reread what's so far in your story to remind of some things. I can't wait for you to post the chapters that weren't in the writing academy.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 4
3/24/2010 17:21:46   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Why thank you Crimzon for that piece of advice. I've got some fresh ideas, and soon as my next break comes around: (Excited grin) I'm going to get the razzle-dazzle going!
AQ  Post #: 5
4/6/2010 9:38:59   
Sir Nicholas
Member

New chapter. I've added a little extra spice to it, and I've also explained what happened to one of my favorite NPC's.
AQ  Post #: 6
4/20/2010 17:40:28   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I am REALLY sorry if I happen to be breaking any rules by triple-posting. Truly I am.

The new chapter is up, and it has quite a bit of dialogue in it, but I think I did it well.
AQ  Post #: 7
4/22/2010 5:55:10   
Crimzon5
Member

Just reread chapters 3 and headed onto 4.

The fight with the Deathknight had some kind of final-boss theme/mood around it, but it was really great. The reader would really pity the unfortunate condition of Sir William's opponent, and his resolve was a good read as well.

Heh, glad to read some new scenes as well (that was followed by Sophia and Sir William's "Guess-Who?" scene). Really, great job.

Anyways, I spotted some typos in Chapter 4: (will check chapter 3 some time later... tomorrow perhaps?)

quote:

composure upon the crouted soil.
I didn't know what it meant, so I checked the dictionary on MS word. Found no results, then I tried www.dictionary.com , still nothing. Perhaps you should replace with another word that you believe will suffice.

quote:

The reprecussions of such an attack on

repercussions

quote:

bring hismelf glory in battle.

himself

quote:

Even with this victory, the faces of the men was

were

quote:

his every action indictating a barely

indicating

quote:

been unconcious, back to the capital.

unconscious

quote:

that Dark assasin are more

assassin

Hehe, I can sense your talent in creativity in terms of putting words together. It was enjoying to read; the sentences can inspire one to write as good. But heh, you need a little help in the spelling department. If you have MS Word or something, you can type there. It'll point out misspellings and other errors, too.
AQ DF  Post #: 8
4/30/2010 7:30:33   
Crimzon5
Member

quote:

Anyways, I spotted some typos in Chapter 4: (will check chapter 3 some time later... tomorrow perhaps?)
Okay... it's tomorrow! (Fine. It's not. But never late than never)

Chapter 3:

quote:

Sir William barely had time to raise his blessed hammer against the Death Knight's assault, the morning star had only narrowly missed the stunned Paladin's face.

quote:

The two men strained, the Death Knight's masked face within inches


I'd change those commas into semi-colons (;) because it's separating two independent clauses.

quote:

"The Dark side is inexhaustible." Was the reply.

Change the period into a comma, then turn 'Was' into 'was'
The dialogue (which his "The Dark side is inexhaustible" acts as the subject of the sentence. To connect it to the predicate (which is "was the reply," don't use a period and don't capitalize the first word after the dialogue.

quote:

of any real fighting spirit they might have possesed

possessed

Well, that seems to be it. Good luck and keep with your story :D



< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 5/4/2010 5:03:32 >
AQ DF  Post #: 9
6/20/2010 19:16:09   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I'm having a tiny bit o' trouble with this next chapter- I'm debating with myself how to begin it. Crimzon, you know what I speak of, yet I confess there is yet more to it than I have revealed.
AQ  Post #: 10
6/21/2010 6:29:02   
Crimzon5
Member

Take your time ;)

But please do it before Monday

School's begun for me, so expect me to check on updates every Friday/Weekend

(Overload of assignments. Good thing I work fast =p)

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 6/21/2010 6:33:12 >
AQ DF  Post #: 11
6/24/2010 8:31:58   
Sir Nicholas
Member

New Chapter is finished. I'll review my idea-book, then get back to writing the next one. I'm quite pleased with this one.

BTW: Crimzon, I'm moving my plan into action, even as I type this. I've got everything figured out.
AQ  Post #: 12
6/26/2010 9:26:12   
Crimzon5
Member

From the first post of this thread
quote:

My first story in six months, come to fruition.

Six months seems so short xD

Nice title by the way

quote:

shape or form it so chose, so when he'd chosen to enter it's chamber now

it's = it is
correct --> its = the possessive form of 'it'

quote:

I humbly come before your awesome presence..."

First time I heard this word in flowery/formal speech

quote:

thought that itself transceded time. In

Typo: transcended?

quote:

alley where the entrance to the sewers was accessisble.

Typo: accessible

quote:

vertical arc that seperated the dark sorceror's

Typo: separated and sorcerer

quote:

then counterattacked with a horozontial swing towards Drake's chest.

Typo: horizontal

quote:

Artix sommersaulted underneath the sword, leapt back onto his feet and charged Drake from behind.

quote:

mid-air sommersault, then brought down the runeblade in a mighty swing towards him.

Typos: somersaulted

quote:

energy shot from the double-bladed head of the axe with every stroke, sending shockwaves everytime it met with

Typo: should be 2 words

quote:

his power over ice was formiddable indeed.

Typo: formidable



Man, it sure was a great read! Would enjoyed it more if I wasn't time pressured by my schedule. But darn, cliffhanger. *Waits for chapter 6*
AQ DF  Post #: 13
7/19/2010 7:30:05   
Sir Nicholas
Member

New Chapter. Its kind of short, but it has some very important elements. I assure you, this is where things REALLY start to pick up, they're going to get good!
AQ  Post #: 14
8/11/2010 15:22:30   
pinina
Member

Wow your book is really good Sir Nicholas. I read it a while ago and I apologize for not posting this sooner. You've got quite a talent there. Keep it up.

_____________________________

DF  Post #: 15
8/25/2010 14:03:51   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Thank you Pinina; I appreciate it.

I have posted a new chapter, and I'm eager to see if anyone has any constructive advice for me.
AQ  Post #: 16
10/1/2010 21:31:37   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I have finally completed the next chapter. Its a little shorter than most, but its got some interesting new elements.

What's else is that I've corrected the titles of previous chapters.
AQ  Post #: 17
10/1/2010 22:55:47   
deathwalker05
Member

Good chapter. No mistakes i noticed. Very interesting, look forward to the next =D
AQ  Post #: 18
11/19/2010 16:42:31   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Soon, prepare for a new chapter that will herald in even more epic tales!
AQ  Post #: 19
11/25/2010 6:31:10   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


Sorry, you just copped a critique. Anything contained herein is a suggestion only (discard what you don't want), and please don't be offended by what is said because it's not intended that way.


quote:

Within the grand, ancient halls, a group of brown-robed men, wielding a mix of enchanted weapons stood before the altar.

The cathedral was the immaculate, crowning achievement of the enlightened order, constructed in the deeps of times long past. Outside, it was impressive to behold; with tall, pointed spires and cruciform ornaments, it was a piece of architecture in itself.

I'm thinking these two paragraphs could be flipped around, as you introduce the location in the second and refer to a specific thing in it in the first. Actually, if you flip them, they can both be part of the same paragraph. It just improves flow.

The following sentences could also be added to the first paragraph. On their own, they don't really warrant new paragraphs.
quote:

Inside, its pews lined neatly in front of the altar where they stood.

A stained glass window shining brightly with the sun behind it and allowing it’s rays to permeate the Light’s faithful followers with an aura of peace.

With this second paragraph, the tense is a bit muddled compared to the rest of the story. You are using past tense everywhere else, but "shining" and "allowing" are present tense words, as if the action is in the process of happening, not already happened. "Shone" and "allowed" would be the past tense words you need.
quote:

Wearing the icons blessed by the Holy Order, the men at the altar lowered their weapons to the marble floor in salute of the squire before them. Plate armor clattered softly as the squire knelt before his betters.

Here you say William is kneeling. Later you refer to him as standing. If he rises from this position, you probably need to say so.

quote:

From glowing swords to hammers luminous with the power of light, the men watched as the head of the group stood to face the neophyte. Clutched in his thick hands, a sword of ancient power and the light’s golden glow suffusing its silver with a pearly luminosity.

The first sentence can be a little confusing. Perhaps refer to the men as "the bearers" instead, to reinforce that they are the ones holding the mentioned weapons? Otherwise there is no direct link to said whacking-sticks. The second sentence again has a problem with tense. "Suffusing"; "suffused". Unless you add a ; or - and remove the "and", which effectively fractures the sentence to allow a tense change. Also, "luminous" was used as a descriptor in the previous sentence. Should probably find another word for the first sentence, because "luminosity" in the second fits beautifully.
quote:

William was his name. And though he was only seventeen, he stood strong before his mentor, his handsome features bathed with the inner light coursing through him.

Here's where you refer to him standing. I know "stood" can mean "stand up", but as it also refers to "standing up", "rose" may be a better phrase if you want to convey the movement.
quote:

With mid-shoulder length, dark hair and green eyes, William was considered by many to be very salient, but his eyes were at the same time gentle and with a humble, peace-loving streak that seemed unbecoming of a mighty warrior.

This seems like a flat list to get it out of the way as quick as possible, which breaks the flow you've built up. Also, you focus on his eyes in detail later, so there's no point jumping from hair to eyes to something else and back to eyes again. Perhaps pick another feature to describe that makes him salient. His jaw? His nose? His great big bushy monobrow? (I kid, I kid. <3 ) Maybe consider something along the lines of "With dark hair that fell/cascaded to his mid-shoulder," and then later when you focus on his eyes, describe the colour "but his green (or other word to describe the shade, eg. grass-green, peridot, emerald) eyes" ? Also, no need for the "and" in "gentle and with".
quote:

His induction had been long overdue; years he'd served as an infantryman, many months he'd been trained to accept, channel and direct the Light.

Perhaps a ... after "infantryman" ? Another fracture in that sentence lies there, which a comma doesn't seperate properly.
quote:

The decision to knight William had been one long in question, for the High Council, the governing body of the Order, had great need for more frontline troops.

The way this is worded, it sounds as if knighting him isn't something they have confidence in, as it is being "long in question". "Question" implies they have doubts; the length of time implies there must have either been many doubts or a very divisive discussion over certain doubts. If this is what you mean, you may need to list a few examples that they are concerned about. If you want to portray their confidence instead, "long hoped-for" or "long-awaited" would serve you better.
quote:

Sir Andrew, who presided over this initiation, was Will’s master.

It tends to look and read better if you always refer to a character in a certain way, or certain ways. Up until now, you've always called him William or the neophyte or the squire. Adding an abbreviation of his name to this repertoire probably isn't a good move unless you do that the whole way through. In speech, anything goes, but in the body of the story, uniformity is key.
quote:

In his early thirties, he was already a Paladin Master and his every action a calculated and controlled movement that further exhibited the authority that was so evident even as he stood, tallest among these men.

I'd suggest breaking it after "Master" with a . because the sentence fragments into mixed tense again and the simplest remedy I can see would be to start a new sentence at "His" and add a "was" before the "a calculated", cut out the "that was" and add a comma after the "evident". Need breathing places in that sentence, because it's just too long.
quote:

Dressed in a simple brown and flowing robe, Sir Andrew was dressed to show his devotion; to sacrifice his vanity before God.

You use "dressed" in that sentence twice. Perhaps use "garbed" instead of one?
quote:

The apprentice was clad in gold and bronze plate armor that covered his torso, chest and most of his upper arms with aqua blue pauldrons.

This sentence's focus keeps changing. It sounds as if his armour covers his torso, chest and arms in the pauldrons, which are simultaneously blue, gold and bronze. Obviously this isn't what you're trying to describe, so it needs to be broken down a bit more. Describe the armour on his torso and chest as one piece; leave the pauldrons as a seperate description, perhaps in another sentence. This also gives you room to describe /how/ the armour is gold and bronze. Is it mainly bronze and rimmed in gold, or is it patchy, or are some parts made of one or the other?
quote:

His sky blue cape secured by a small chain around his neck fluttered softly in the gentle gust that followed from the cathedral’s doors shutting behind him.

Hm. How about we work with the flow, as you've given an action we can attribute to the cape? "His sky blue cape fluttered softly in the gentle gust... ...and pulled at the small chain that secured it around his neck." ? Also, the doors would have been shut more than long enough by now for any air movement to have stopped. If the door was slightly or fully open, then you'd have a better source. Or open windows, considering how far away they probably are from the door. If there is still insufficient air movement for a full-on flutter, maybe try "stirred" instead for a much subtler motion.
quote:

For the longest moment there was only a peaceful silence, but after all the company had arrived, Sir Andrew raised his sword.

Hang on- who were the rest of the company? Were they other masters, general onlookers...? Had no idea they were still arriving, either, as everything described seemed already set and waiting. Mention needs to be made of people coming in before now. Perhaps it was the breeze from that door opening and closing that moved his cape? But mention needs to be made.
quote:

Handsome features reflecting off the blade, he slowly placed the tip upon Will’s right shoulder, then once on his left, before recoiling the blessed weapon.

Careful, lest you describe everyone as "handsome". ;) Also, not sure "recoiling" is the best descriptor. It kinda means the knockback from something you hit, kinda. "Removing" works but isn't very graceful... "raising" "sheathing" "resheathing"? ...I dunno. But the word definitely isn't "recoiling".
quote:

“faithful brothers and sisters, we gather here in this most holy cathedral to witness the knighting of squire William,

When he becomes a Sir, the S is capitalized because it is a title. Squire should be Squire for the same reason.
quote:

And with that he inclined towards his kneeling apprentice.

What did he incline? His head or his body? Need to specify.
quote:

The young initiate smiled in response, but said nothing, watching as the robed men surrounded him by all sides but one.

No need for the comma after "response". Perhaps "surrounded him on three sides" might help describe? Maybe, maybe not, your call. From there, we can tidy the next sentence a little, is all...
quote:

From there, it allowed a space with which to permit the audience behind them to see his bright and shining face, aglow with pride and unshed tears.

Straight to "The audience could see..."
quote:

“Squire William, present now the weapon which you hath forged in the blessed fire.”

If you want to go archaic-ish in language, "thou" = "you", "hath" = "have", true. But "hast" = "have previously" which ties in better with the sentence, as it is referring to a past event: "thou hast forged".
quote:

Reaching behind his back, the apprentice gripped at the hammer that he’d created.

This hammer seems to suddenly appear on his back. Its prescence should have been at least briefly mentioned back when you were describing William's appearance. Also, no need for "that" in the "that he'd".
quote:

The blessed war-hammer, aglow with blue-white energy.

You used "aglow" to describe William's face very close to when you use "aglow" again. Perhaps "aflame" "radiant" "blinding" or somesuch for this one? Unless you're deliberately trying to strike a comparison with William... but there are other ways and means to do that.
quote:

The head of the weapon was adamantine, while the haft was steel and wrapped in tight blue cloth that continued down towards the apex of the bottom hilt, which was bright yellow.

Where you say "wrapped in tight blue cloth", technically that refers to the cloth's weave rather than how it is wrapped around the hammer. If you mean how it is wrapped, "wrapped tightly" or "tightly wrapped" would be more technically correct. But it is an easily overlooked technicality if you'd prefer to leave it as is. A tight weave (if you decided to look at that meaning) simply means it's likely to be an expensive material.
As for the last part of the sentence, are you referring to it being gold when you refer to it as yellow? And what is it made of? Sorry for the confusion. "Bright" could be changed for something a tad more descriptive, maybe. If it's golden, "burnished" or "polished" may be good descriptors to emphasize the metal as opposed to cloth. If it is painted bright yellow, mention that it's been painted. Enamel probably wouldn't be the best idea for a weapon that's going to be used, but would be okay on an ornamental one.
quote:

Engraved upon either side of the head, there were even-sided crosses painted gold and energized by the apprentice’s touch.

I'd suggest rearranging the sentence order here for better flow. "Crosses of even sides were engraved upon either side of the head and were painted with gold (gold leaf? It was a very thin layer of gold that was applied to things in the olden days). The apprentice's touch energized the markings." But again, you've added a moniker to William's repertoire: apprentice. Try to stick to one of the ones you assigned to him before: neophyte or squire. Ideally, he should be referred to as one or the other of those, as well (most likely squire to tie in with his title) but because of the split nature of the Paladin Order being both military and religious, we can handle the two terms as mutually exchangable. But don't add more.
quote:

“Squire William, you have performed your duty with honor and integrity, have proven yourself time and again with stunning valor,”

You need either an "and" before the second "have", or put a ; instead of a comma there. It's a fragmented sentence. Also, the sentence ends at "valor", so a . there.
quote:

“for this, I am proud to place the Light’s blessings upon you.”

This is a new sentence, so capital letter. And yes, those two spoken parts are different sentences.
quote:

And then, the Paladin Master raised the weapon high into the air and channeled his power through it sending a soft, gold radiance resonating through the weapon.

No need for the "And then". Starting a sentence with an "and" is a rule that can be broken to good effect, but it should only be done occasionally. You've done it several times already, so it's starting to run the risk of becoming common and losing impact. Splitting the action into two shorter sentences would help create a clearer sequence of events as well. "...into the air. He channeled..." This says the weapon was fully raised when he channeled his power, much more dramatic and ritualistic than channeling it while in the act of raising it at the same time. It also needed the breathing space.

...And going to have to call it quits for tonight. Hope any of this is of some use.

~DD

< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 11/25/2010 7:46:50 >
Post #: 20
11/29/2010 21:50:20   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Thank you very much for your help Demolitiondragon- I really appreciate it. I'll fix up the prologue then, and (if you don't mind) maybe you could give me a bit of help in editing the other chapters?

I REALLY appreciate it, again- I'll also see if I can't get the next chapter finished. Hopefully I can finish this story as well as soon as possible.
AQ  Post #: 21
12/1/2010 2:47:22   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


/Other/ chapters? We ain't done with the prologue yet. =P


quote:

“This hammer--purified in the water of the sacred grove--shall be your judgment upon the unworthy. So shall it be the channel: the outlet for your power.”

I'd suggest the above. The mention of the water is more of an aside than part of the key sentence, so it needs to be indicated as such. Speech would allow you to capitalize the And at the start of the second sentence, but you'd lose formality to do so. Typically it's described as "waters" (plural) even though there may be a grand total of one puddle. =\ Dunno why. Perhaps a descriptor for the water as well? "Holy" would seem to fit well. Maybe he's just very concisely spoken. *shrugs*
quote:

With that, Sir Andrew lowered the hammer gently and allowed his apprentice to take it.

No need for the "With that". Moving "gently" before "lowered" also reads better imo.
quote:

Merely grasping the weapon immersed it in a lustrous brilliance, hiding it from view and bringing out a pearly luminosity that warmed the apprentice’s bones.

Hard to tell who is grasping it until the end of the sentence, which isn't so good for such a long sentence. Perhaps describe his fingers wrapping around it etc and then the effect it had.
quote:

The newly christened Sir William rose from his kneeling position to face Sir Andrew, his master and the one who’d anointed him, glee on his face.

I'd suggest putting 'Sir' like that with those ' marks to emphasize the change in title. Just this first time, though. Now it says he's kneeling again, which means he hadn't stood up before, which is very confusing. @_@ Need to get his position sorted out. Now, the "master and the one who annointed him" part is unneeded, as we have already been told this info. I'd suggest breaking the sentence there and describe his glee in another sentence, but showing, not telling. His eyes and smile would probably be the more expressive targets to do this.
quote:

The other Paladins and the clerics who lived and worked in the Cathedral stood in unison, their palms shining with golden glows.

Just to confirm, the Paladins don't live and work at the cathedral? If they do in fact live and work there, take out the "the" before clerics.
quote:

“Brothers and Sisters let us then raise our hands, and let the Light illuminate this man.”

In this sense, both Brothers and Sisters should be capitalized. They're basically being used as titles. There should be a comma after "Sisters", and no comma after "hands".
quote:

He then felt the radiance and warmth enveloped him, saturating every section of his body with its benediction and grace.

The "then" isn't needed. If you want, you can switch to present tense here by dropping the d from "enveloped". But you have mixed tense here at the moment. Switching to present provides greater immersion in the moment, because it's happening even as we read. =]
quote:

He stood erect for several minutes, the sensation of refreshment filling him as he shut his eyes to bear against the almost blinding radiance.

"to bear against" doesn't quite feel right. Maybe drop the "to bear"?
quote:

Within in its grace, Sir William was reborn, the Light all but singing through his being as he felt cleansed and purged of all vice.

The "in" isn't needed. A ; after "reborn" as well. And "felt himself cleansed", perhaps?
quote:

“Welcome to the Paladin Order, Sir William, chosen by the Light.”

A -- after "William" would be better. You may also want to capitalize Chosen if "Chosen by the Light" is a title. If it isn't, don't worry.
quote:

“Master, does this mean I’ll be able to operate on missions?” he asked, unable to keep the exuberance from his voice.

If there is exuberance, you need to show it in his speech. Probably best served by adding a ! after the ? to make a ?! XD Basically, the ? indicates a question, the ! indicates an exclamation and a ?! indicates an exclaimed question.
quote:

Sir Andrew nodded, pride and tenderness in his eyes.

Good description. You get the "fatherly" feel from Sir Andrew towards William. d(^_^)b But move this to a new paragraph along with the following sentence. Both directly involve Andrew.
quote:

“You’re finally ready for your first true test as a full-fledged Paladin.”

quote:

Sir William at that point, could not contain his childish excitement any longer and rushed forth, grabbing his master by the waist in a great hug, much to the surprise of all present.

This long-winded sentence doesn't do the immediacy and spontaneousness of the moment justice. Break it down into small sentences and keep the reader guessing. "Sir William could contain himself no longer. He rushed forth and grabbed his master in a crushing hug. The crowd hid smiles and giggles behind discreet hands, surprised by the new Paladin's childish excitement." for example. You have the key essences of the long sentence all present, but each is described in more detail. Coupling emotions and reactions also adds to the atmosphere. In that example, the crowd is surprised and amused. You might have them surprised and touched, surprised and disapproving, or whatever you decide. But each changes the mood somewhat, no?
quote:

“I love you man!” He cried happily, several chuckles coming from the men surrounding them before Sir Andrew grasped the younger Knight’s shoulder and pushed him away with an annoyed grunt.

Comma after "you", consider capitalizing the "Man" if you want. Lowercase the "He" and end the sentence at "happily". Then describe the men chuckling in a new sentence, and Andrew's reaction in a third sentence. If he's embarrassed by William's actions, perhaps describe a slight reddening of his face or ears. This is effectively a mild blush to illustrate his embarrassment. Eg. "Sir Andrew's ears reddened a little. He grasped the younger...." Since both these last two sentences directly involve Andrew and he's speaking in the next line, these sentences can be moved to a new paragraph along with the speech.
quote:

“I have faith in your abilities, Will, but when we’re in the field, I’m expecting you to learn on your own.”


To distinguish a new chapter, I'd suggest leaving a few more blank lines between them, and maybe bolding the heading of the new chapter. Just makes it easier to distinguish. =] Sorry, just realised that wasn't the end of the chapter. =S I notice later on you use two lines to distinguish a location change... could you do so here as well?



< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 12/1/2010 7:11:49 >
Post #: 22
12/1/2010 20:52:28   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Sure- Also, Demo (very minor thing) I believe that in the Paladin Order having a Squire, and a Neophyte are the same thing as an apprentice. Sir Andrew trained Will, taught him everything about the Light, and imparted much of his philosophy onto him.

But, once again- I REALLY appreciate all the help.
AQ  Post #: 23
12/2/2010 3:48:20   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


I understand that the terms mean basically the same thing. You could also add understudy, trainee, student, and a list as long as your arm that mean the same thing.

quote:

In speech, anything goes, but in the body of the story, uniformity is key.

That's more what I'm trying to get at.
Also, he loses those descriptors once he is knighted. So for the short time they feature...

Um... Quickest good example of monikers I can think of would be Terry Brooks' Shannara series. Every character seems to have one or two other than their name and he uses them all the time. By keeping them consistent and limiting the number used for each character, you always know exactly which character he is referring to.

But yeh, no obligation. *shrugs*



Probably won't add any more until after Christmas or around Christmas btw. Bit biz... =S
Post #: 24
12/3/2010 13:05:00   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I gotcha. I also have a big plan for this Christmas. Rest assured though that I'll still find time to give you your present. I hope you like something shiny and really inexpensive.
AQ  Post #: 25
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> Dark Waltz, Comments.
Page 1 of 212>
Jump to:



Advertisement




Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition