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(DF) The Tale of the Evil Knight (DF)

 
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3/8/2013 14:50:27   
Almighty Agathor
Member

This thread is for discussion of my book. ->Found Here<-

If you have any questions, comments or corrections. Here is the place for them!
DF AQW  Post #: 1
3/8/2013 15:36:27   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

His mother, Gloria<> was a Guardian, and his father, Joseph, a Dragonlord.

,

quote:

Agathor is just about ready to leave for an adventure, when a tall, dark figure arrived at his home one night.

was

quote:

When he entered the living room, he seen his mother dead on the floor, and his father being killed by this dark figure.

saw

quote:

Agathor had gone to the Guardian Tower, to his parent's funeral.

parents'

quote:

After a full days walk, Agathor, Hugo, and Sven made it to a safe spot to set up camp for the night.

day's

quote:

They were very close to <> the challenge of making it to the stranger,

completing

quote:

It has been 3 days since Agathor was brought to the Inn, and Silnior has found out everything Agathor has.

had

quote:

Silnior was frightened to see the path that Agathor took.

by, had taken

quote:

Agathor seen this

saw

quote:

Thats when Agathor put the armor on.

That was

quote:

After he got there, he seen that there was a dark necromancer and an army of undead attacking.

saw

quote:

Sneeking up to the Necromancer, Unsheathing Agathor's Excalibur, and cast an evil spell onto it.

Sneaking, unsheathing

quote:

He explained that Agathor did a great job, and that he agrees that he should use this armor when he fights Zephyr <>.

agreed, fought, again


First up, Vilmor is the only dragonlord known to have bonded with a Great Elemental Dragon.

The story itself feels a bit bland. You need to put more detail into your descriptions about what happens. As it is it is very hard to get a sense of immersion, as a reader I was constantly aware of the fact that I was reading a story. A good example of this would be this.

quote:

Using his powers, he practiced for a couple hours.


That doesn't tell me a lot. You need to give your readers something for them to visualize.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
3/10/2013 17:46:35   
Almighty Agathor
Member

Thanks, but as I said, it was my first story and it was just to see where I needed improvement. Also, I stated my story was not direct canon and I thank you all the same.

< Message edited by Almighty Agathor -- 3/10/2013 18:04:34 >
DF AQW  Post #: 3
3/11/2013 7:30:27   
Glais
Member

Hm, I have to agree with DDL on it feeling bland. Not that I'm an especially good or experienced writer, but just from the first chapter alone it feels a bit rushed.
There isn't enough time to build up an atmosphere, it's simply an almost mechanical listing of events.
quote:

This child, as normal as he seemed, was indeed, very powerful. The power this child posessed was an Evil power.

Sentences like this tend to feel a bit vague and unrealistic. Powerful by what standards? How can an innate power be "evil" for example and so on.
quote:


Well, by the time he was 15 years of age, he had known the best
hand to hand combat skills known, being trained by his father. His mother, the Guardian, had taught Agathor to use a sword, along with some basic magics. A month or so after Agathor reached adulthood, he had realized that he had more power within, but did not know how to reach this Evil.

This for example, you can add a lot here.
Why is his father a good source on swordsmanship for example. Also a more minor thing, you didn't actually state his name was Agathor in the first paragraph, so dropping it like that in the next sentence makes it feel choppy.

The bit about his father being attacked is another vague instance. You can describe how he was killed, what the assailant looked like (beyond tall and dark). You can describe what Agathor's thinking, describe the room, etc.

Anyhow, my point is at the moment it could be spaced at, detail added (which eh I know from experience that isn't always the easiest thing to fix).

Wish you luck on your writing brah.

_____________________________

DF MQ  Post #: 4
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