Master Samak
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Steward Leprechaun
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Breaking Ascension
1. quote:
The Alarm clock beeped endlessly and his patience was wearing thin. I don't think this should be capitalized...
2. quote:
A few beeps of his alarm clock he finally through the alarm clock against the wall. I would change the entire sentence to this: "A few more beeps from his alarm clock and he finally threw it against the wall." Or, there should be two separate sentences here. Your choice.
3. quote:
His dark hazel eyes shifted to a red blur; trying to gain concentration on the world. I don't know if the semicolon is necessary. A comma would work fine.
4. quote:
Today was the day and in one hour and five minutes today would be her last day. I am going to give you what I suggest: "Today was the day, and in one hour and five minutes this day will be her last.
5. quote:
Sure Falonna City was big, but it had a lot of shortcuts meaning more than one way to get to his destination. There should be a comma here, "...shortcuts, meaning..."
6. quote:
He awaited for a taxi as he stuck his thumb out into the street. I believe that this should be "waited", if not "waited impatiently".
7. quote:
As a yellow taxi floated up to him he quickly grabbed a hold of the driver and throws him out the car. This should remain in the past tense, as "threw".
8. quote:
“There’s no point in trying,” A voice called out to him as he stepped on the pedal fiercely. Because of the comma before, this "A" should be decapitalized.
9. quote:
It’s not my fault it is her time. It would help the sentence flow easier if it had, "...fault that it..."
10. quote:
The voice kept going on, but did not originate from within his subconscious. I would prefer "talking" or "speaking", but it doesn't matter.
11. quote:
“You will not make it in time. So don’t even bother…” This should either be, "...time, so don't..." or "...time. Don't...". Do you see what I mean?
12. quote:
Still no answer, just more driving and silence. I would change this to "response from the man".
13. quote:
“I told you already it’s either her of the entire land…” The voice said. There should be a comma here: "...already, it's..." --- Also, the "The" should be decapitalized.
14. quote:
“You agreed that the gods could have her as a sacrifice for the sake of the country, sudden regrets will not help you or her now.” I really feel that this should have a period instead. "...country. Sudden..."
15. quote:
He got angry as he continued up the mountain trying his hardest to ignore the voice. To help confusion, it may be best to change "He" to "The man". --- Also, I believe that there should be comma here: "...mountain, trying..."
16. quote:
“Nalees now is not the time you traitorous god-ling!” He responded inches away from the top of the mountain. I will totally rewrite this for your convenience: "'Nalees, now is not the time, you traitorous god-ling!' he responded, inches away from the top of the mountain."
17. quote:
Nalees pauses almost completely thrown off by his words, “You’re the one who choose me as your Guardian and overseer. This should have a comma: "...pauses, almost..."
18. quote:
Also you signed your daughter’s life away to protect the country!” I'd change this to "You also signed..." Either that, or "Also, you..."
19. quote:
He ran stretching his hand as far as his human body could possibly stretch as he reached for his daughter. There should be commas. "...ran, stretching..." and "...stretch, as..."
20. quote:
His hand still reaching out for his daughter as he watched his daughter be engulfed by the waves below. To keep the past tense, this should be "reached".
21. quote:
After slamming his fist into the ridged rock over and over again until blood drip from his knuckles. This doesn't make sense. I would put "He slammed his..."
22. quote:
Suddenly he hears a rush of water coming at a fast pace and moves from out of the revived river bank. This should be "Suddenly, he..."
23. quote:
As he looked around he watched as the flowers and trees sprouted from the ground, taking over the land completely. This word should be removed, if you get why.
24. quote:
Nothing couldn’t compare to this beauty, expect one thing, a smile from his daughter A misspelling, "expect" should be "except". --- Also, there should be a period to end the sentence.
25. quote:
“The land has returned to it‘s former glory and the great waterfall has returned. This should be only "its".
26. quote:
I‘m sorry for your loss, but it was for the greater good.” Nalees said before leaving. This period should be a comma, to continue the thought.
27. quote:
His fist pointed towards the sky, “And I promise we will have out revenge…” This should have a comma "...promise, we..." or "...promise you, we..." --- Also, "out" should be "our".
28. quote:
Though time may change painful memories never change, they never leave no matter what you try to do. There should be a comma here: "...change, painful..." --- Also, this would be better as a semicolon: "...change; they..." --- Also, there should be a comma: "...leave, no..."
29. quote:
Well, I have for ever single moment and day of my pathetic life…The End.” I believe there should be a comma here: "...have, for..."
30. quote:
A group of kids and some other pedestrians sat and listened to his latest story. I think it would be better to add "...pedestrians had sat and..."
31. quote:
As the man limped himself back towards his cardboard home a young boy about of the age of seven walks up to him and stops him. I don't think having "himself" makes sense with the verb. I'd remove it. --- Also, there should be commas or dashes here: "...boy, about the age of seven, walks..."
32. quote:
“That was a good story you just now, it was awesome and I wanted to know what inspires you…?” I would remove "you" because right now this doesn't make sense. --- Also, the kid didn't technically ask a question, so I'd remove the question mark also.
33. quote:
A thunderous chuckle roared from his throat. The word "thunderous" was already used. To prevent repetitiveness, I would change it to "booming", or something like that.
--- Also, "his" may confuse the reader into thinking the boy laughed. I'd change this to "the man's".
34. quote:
The boy froze as the story teller’s hands crashed into the boy’s shoulders. This should be one word: "storyteller's"
35. quote:
His face grinning wickedly, but other than that was hidden within the hood. I'd rewrite the sentence as this, "His mouth grinned wickedly, but other than that, his face was hidden within the hood."
36. quote:
“That was no story….” There is one period at the very end of the three dots. I believe that that should be taken out.
Critiquing Complete!!!
Not a bad story, I like it a lot. It is an interesting plot. It made me think/contemplate a bit. Very good.
< Message edited by Master Samak -- 10/6/2008 23:15:23 >
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