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(DF) Hero of Two Planes Discussion

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12/28/2012 3:58:31   
Dragonlord Blurok
Member

So yeah, this is where you can discuss my new fan-fiction.

_____________________________
DF AQW  Post #: 1
12/28/2012 12:50:50   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

An unrealistically long time ago, Badai, a Great Dragon of Energy made a horrible mistake.

Do you mean a "mighty energy dragon" or the first dragon Kyanos chose as his champion a 1000 years prior to Dragonfable?

quote:

His bloodline became known for producing fantastically powerful Fulguramancers.

An explanation as to what those are might be nice for your readers to have.

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 12/28/2012 12:51:00 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
12/28/2012 12:54:49   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 @Blurok, I'll keep an eye on your story. Let this post be a placeholder for my soon to come review.

@Dwelling, Fulgur is latin for lightning, so I presume Fulguramancers are lightning users.

< Message edited by Arthur Dragonlord -- 12/28/2012 12:55:44 >
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
12/28/2012 13:04:26   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Arthur Dragonlord: I figured they'd be Dynamancers, but I am talking about other readers.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
12/29/2012 3:48:34   
Dragonlord Blurok
Member

Hey guy's Chapter 1's up. You may already know, just letting you know. About my tale that starts in the snow.
DF AQW  Post #: 5
12/29/2012 4:02:33   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Review Time..!!

The Prologue first.

The Pacing for the first paragraph is too rushed. You should know that a badly chosen pacing right at the start of a story can send out a wrong impression regarding the author.
Just slow down and flesh out the Prologue before proceeding. Describe emotions, actions etc. Add in that mix of professionalism.

As for typos, I just spotted a few misplaced articles. Nothing too problematic.

Review ends..!

Next post, I'll do an in-depth of Chapter 1.

All in all, a slightly confusing prologue. Just slightly.(Like that last line about the Frost Elf).
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
12/29/2012 4:11:45   
Dragonlord Blurok
Member

Thanks for the review Arthur Dragonlord, I'll see what I can do. And the bit about the Frost Elf, I was trying to say thst the baby was a half-elf.

< Message edited by Dragonlord Blurok -- 12/29/2012 4:14:39 >
DF AQW  Post #: 7
12/29/2012 4:20:08   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Ah. If you can perhaps make it a bit more suggestive so as to give the readers a better hint.^^
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
12/31/2012 8:30:01   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Frozen Heights was a little known Frost Elf village, and there was no place Relictam loved more. Mostly because he hadn't even been outside the city walls.

It is either one or the other. (Village>Town>City)

quote:

We've got ice, rocks and fish.

Surely they can hunt some wildlife?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 9
12/31/2012 9:31:12   
Dragonlord Blurok
Member

@Dwelling Dragonlord: I said city walls because, they were more like the walls protecting most cities.
My logic is different from most peoples', so sorry if I confused you. The ice, rocks, and fish thing was a reference to a quote from the quest The Killguin Arena. As for the reason... Maybe they Forkel's job doesn't pay good, and they can't afford anything more then fish? It would explain why Relictam decided to get a job.

< Message edited by Dragonlord Blurok -- 12/31/2012 9:37:12 >
DF AQW  Post #: 10
12/31/2012 9:35:28   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Dragonlord Blurok: I figured it was a reference to that, but those were penguins and they only eat fish.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 11
1/1/2013 15:59:31   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Hey Blurok, so I got some reading done, the first chapter is what I'll be reviewing today.

Uhh.... just so you know, I am in a sad mood today so please don't mind if I say something harsh by accident. Here goes,



Firstly, I've noticed that you've got some fine dialogue-writing skills. Infact, some of the best I've seen in these boards. They read as being very natural and go in a flow. Keep up the good work.^^

Secondly, understand that the use of brackets in the way that you've done is unnecessary in the middle of a story. Brackets are seen as a means of unimportant information display or sentence extensions. You can't use brsckets to tell readers thst you're referring to a story element on some other chapter. That's a strict no-no for stories of any kind. It goes to show the author's inexperience with writing mechanism and you don't want that on your record, so you can remove the brackets.

Moving on, why is Forkel calling Relictam by his complete name? Uhh... he should have a nickname or something to refer to him by when at home, makes it sound less formal. Just suggesting, it's your choice really.

Lastly, I've noticed that Chapter 1 has a relatively better pace than the Prologue had when I pointed it out.



All in all, fine work.^^

In my next post, I shall cover the Chapter 2 Review.

Good Luck..!!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 12
1/6/2013 10:38:05   
Dragonlord Blurok
Member

Thank you, for the second review Arthur Dragonlord. Personally, I'm flattered that you think so highly of my dialogue.
And also, originally Relictam was his nickname. You see, I was planning on having his full name be Hiems Dente Relictam, which is Latin for Winter Fang. That doesn't really have to do with anything, but it's an interesting bit of trivia.
DF AQW  Post #: 13
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