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The biography of a great hero of lore discussion

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1/2/2013 15:23:29   
dragon_monster
Member

This is thread about a facfiction I am doing here is the link http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20995135 I have the prologue done and I will post the first chapter a little later today.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
1/2/2013 18:24:04   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Ok I found it!!!, I like it I can't wait to start Chapter 3 with me and you in it more.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 2
1/2/2013 18:30:01   
dragon_monster
Member

You see the way I put your character for you is to make your characters presentation a little backround stuffs like that inside chapter 1 or part 2 as you call it adding the characters we talked stuffs like that.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
1/2/2013 18:33:55   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Ok I like it, we should start adding more Events with Mentoring between Me and You and Introduce the other People into the Story, also you should show what The Mentors been up too since His Student left.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 4
1/2/2013 18:41:34   
dragon_monster
Member

Yeah I will do that but only after I see your story about the rival who is your your character and if you can can you add the people in it to so I can see what is with them.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
1/2/2013 18:44:26   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Ok, also when my Hero Dies who Gets His Armor Dragon and Amulet ???, what exactly do you want for my Part ???
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 6
1/2/2013 18:48:56   
dragon_monster
Member

The backstoroy actualy to see who he is and his relations with the oher People about the armour and the amulet we will see.

< Message edited by dragon_monster -- 1/2/2013 18:49:11 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 7
1/2/2013 18:51:09   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Ok I will write it when My Shoulder stops Hurting, will you write Chapter 3 so I get an Idea, I will be back, please write Chapter 3.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 8
1/2/2013 18:56:41   
dragon_monster
Member

well that will take a while and it will not be today as I must find a way to conect my ideas for thme to have sense.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
1/2/2013 18:58:50   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

I'm Writing it now, will be Done in an Hour or Two.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 10
1/3/2013 15:25:22   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

The story of our hero starts in a small village in the south of the city of Swordheaven<> the biggest city on the continent of Battleonia,<>in this village our hero was only 14 and for the last 3 years he was trained by his father in the art of swordfighting.

to, Swordhaven,, space

I'm not sure if I'd be talking about the hero in the last sentence of this sentence. To me it sounds like this sentence is about the village. What are you trying to say after "continent of Battleonia," anyway?

quote:

His father was a low ranking knight in the army of King Alteon<> the ruler of a country on the continent who had the capital the city of Swordheaven, out hero’s father worked as enforcer in the outlying forests near the great city<> of course in a team with other knights usually dealing with forest furies, vurrman’s, slime’s, and the occasional undead.

,

Why do you need to tell the reader that? You have established the setting to a village south of Swordhaven, haven't you?

our

. Of

vurrmen, slimes

quote:

Even if his father was in the army for about 20 years he still did not have gone up the rank of Sergeant, his superiors say it is because of his lack of above average fighting skill, even so he was a decent warrior with good enough skills that would be useful for his children’s from which the oldest is our hero who has 14 years old and his name is Paul who had 4 other siblings named Brom, Orcus, Arya and Tenol.


First, if makes it sound

Even while his father had been in the army for about 20 years he still had not gone up in rank to that of Sergeant. His superiors told him it was because of his lack of above average fighting skills, even so he was a decent warrior with skills he deemed good enough to pass onto his children.

quote:

The village <> Paul and his family lived had about 100 inhabitants and about 15 of them were knights garrisoned there so it was quite protected and peaceful<> but even so his father trained <> in martial fighting so he could protect his brothers and sisters and his mother.

,, where, him, ,

Just to point out here, but it feels like you are giving us a reason that is not completely explained. Furthermore, the other siblings are not given any descriptions beyond their names. This makes them feel like useless additions to the story.

quote:

Paul’s mother was a mage who worked as the local healer and enchanter, she was born in DragonGcrasp the city of the dragonlords, were the dragonlord order has his base, she was the daughter of 2 renowned dragonlord’s and it was hoped she will inherit her parents ability to connect with a dragon but in spite of a above average aptitude with magic she lacked the dragon magic necessary for being one.

enchantress, Dragonsgrasp, where, its, dragonlords, would, parents', an

quote:

Disappointed she left DragonGrasp and went to Swordheaven were she met the hero’s father and her eventual husband who was unlike her, was the son of <> knight and a peasant woman and who took his father’s profession as his father did before him.

Dragonsgrasp, Swordhaven where, , a

quote:

Paul’s father trained him in the knights way because he hoped he will continue his family’s legacy.

knights' ways/knight's way, would

quote:

The young future hero had of course inherited his mother magical power but he chose to train the martial way with his father because he wanted to prove that he can surpass him in it.

mother's, could

quote:

Of course at the age of 14 only after 2 years of training he was his father equal in speed only lacking in strength compared with him.

I thought you said he had been training for 3 years with his father? Secondly, while this sentence does fit better over here you are repeating yourself (first sentence). I think you could do away with one.

I am going to stop here for now. While your story definitely isn't bad, I have noticed that there are a lot of sentences which are too long. I would suggest you rephrase some of them to be a bit shorter. It will also reduce the amount of commas drastically and trust me, you don't want too many of those. It gets rather messy.

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 1/3/2013 17:37:38 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 11
1/3/2013 16:24:59   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member


and here is how we thought your Character could meet Her when helping me:


That could work! The black and red DA thingy. Oh and your idea?

Hmm...I dunno...Maybe he doesn't go in through the front door and sneaks in the workshop, which is upstairs along with her apartment, and she does the wall pin thing? It could work if the reason he snuck in was because her other workers refused to let him see 'Ms Rosalka' since she was working on a new experimental candy?

At first, she could go like:

*Whips out dagger and shoots out giant, jagged bits of hard candy, pinning him to wall* "Too easy...what are you trying to pull, trying to sneak up on a rogue? You should know that even retired old rogues like myself can still detect methods of stealth, you dummy. Now what do want?"

Then when she finds out he was sent by someone:

"Which Christian (that's your character, right?) are you talking about? I know eight Christians, and three of them are always up to no good." (you can take this part out. It's not very important)

Then she finds out that that someone is your character:

"How do I know you're telling the truth? For all I know, you could be some filthy Shadowscythe spy? I'll give you five seconds to prove your claim or it's OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"

When proved by Amulet:

*dispels magic, freeing your student though leaving some scratches and ripped clothing* "My gosh...that IS Christian's...I can sense his magical signature anywhere...He should really write more often or send a note before he sends you off here...why did you sneak up on me though? Why can't you go up the front door like a civilized person?"

"You know, you could've told my dragon, he was the one who intercepted you, that you were from Christian and shown him that amulet. He would've sent you up without a fight and maybe even given you some free samples. Honestly...you heroes are too rash for your own good sometimes...Then again, I was like that once. I shouldn't blame you. Now, what is this about a curse?"

Explanation

"Sounds serious...I need to know exactly what type of curse he's infected with...I'm coming with you. No buts. Now tell me, what's the address? I'll teleport us both."

"Okay, I got it...oh and stop calling me 'Ms. Rosalka'. It sounds way too stuffy for me."

*whips out dagger and catches student with headlock* "Call me 'Rose', 'Rosa' or any other variation of my name which can translate to rose and I'll rip your throat out. It's 'Alka'. Call me 'Alka'. That's what my friends call me. Now...ARK! I'M GOING OUT!!

Ark: *yells from downstairs* Why?

"I'm going to visit an old friend. *finally smiles at your student* "Now, let's go!"
--
*reads up* Wow that's a huge amount of text...How're these for my character's lines? You can change them, if you like. I'm just providing an idea of my character's...well...character.

and here is what happens when she finds me:


Hm...actually, my character is highly paranoid and is always on her guard. (that's kinda the result of several assassination attempts, owing to her reputation both as a retired hero and as the best candy maker in miles around, and why she hired guards) She would probably be able to avoid that, using the flightiness that rogues are known for to evade then hit back with candy shrapnel from a distance and have a fight where no one's gaining (would it be okay with you if they were almost equals in power?) until they both end up five feet away from each other, one tired from a curse and the other tired from teleportation (she doesn't teleport much since it caused severe nausea, dizziness and had bad effects on her state of mind, depending on how far was the distance she had to travel), and she says:

"And I though I was paranoid! Good to see ya, old friend! Recognize me or does your curse thingamajiggy cause blindness?"

Then your character would be surprised to see her and maybe comment on how she hasn't aged a day (I repeat, not fully human...or is she? *cue evil laugh*) . Then the usual greetings and she'd start the medical examination before working on a cure.

Just an idea though. Yours could work too.


This very long of ideas i hoped i helped, it's your choice of what to use though.



She'd probably ask him to take his shirt off so she could give him a look over then ask for a blood sample. If he asks about why she needs a blood sample, she'd say: "Well it's either that or I paint complicated spells all over your body using fresh dragon dung. You choose. I don't really mind either way."

And during the examination, the first one, she'd ask him to stand up on a big sheet of paper then draw a circle around him. At first, she'd just walk around him, asking questions about how he's been feeling lately, when did the curse start, what caused the curse until she finished walking three full circles. Then she'd stab the ground with her dagger (a kalis knife) and mutter a few special words. Then he'd start glowing green and she'd close her eyes and stab the dagger deeper into the ground, the dagger starting to glow green as well. Then she'd mutter something, probably something like: "Oh Lords..." then take the dagger out of the ground. She'd wait until he stopped glowing, snap her fingers, making the paper with the circle vanish in a flash of bright light then ask for a blood sample.

With the blood sample, she spill a few drops into a bowl filled with clear liquid, mutter "Kal ag'yan" then spill the liquid onto another sheet of paper (if you want, she could use parchment) then fold the paper over and mutter "Liwana ga'moko", and the paper would turn red. Then she'd unfold it, and read out the parts that did not turn red.

Then she'd say: "Seriously Christian, you should've called me about this way earlier...I can still fix this...but it'll be way more complicated now..." then turning to his student, she'd say: "Are you a good fighter? If so, come with me. We have a lot of work to do."

Then she'd grab his hand, or arm, start teleporting back to the shop, toss a small pouch towards your character, yell at him to "Drink one bottle of this stuff a day! It'll taste horrible but it'll slow down the effects of your curse. Just hang on until I can make a permanent cure, okay?" then she'd finish the teleportation spell and reappear at the shop.




AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 12
1/3/2013 17:17:43   
dragon_monster
Member

@Dwelling Dragonlord You have good points now about
quote:

His father was a low ranking knight in the army of King Alteon<> the ruler of a country on the continent who had the capital the city of Swordheaven, out hero’s father worked as enforcer in the outlying forests near the great city<> of course in a team with other knights usually dealing with forest furies, vurrman’s, slime’s, and the occasional undead.
actualy that was to introduce King Alteon and explain what his father does to add some informations about him I like putting informations about every character I have now about the siblings I plan on introducing them later in the story with background and I want most about them to be a surprise i just wanted the reader to know they exist for now.About what you said to shorter the sentences I have a limited vocabulary that is increasing so I have problems in refrasing but I will learn and in the next chapter I wil try to be shorter and see if that is good.
@Starsaber88 I will include elements from this story you wrote of course I will add my style about how should I meet her by the way did you posted the story you wrote about you character?

< Message edited by dragon_monster -- 1/3/2013 17:18:52 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 13
1/3/2013 18:02:53   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Yeah I did Dragon Monster It's fixed now.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 14
1/3/2013 18:06:23   
dragon_monster
Member

What is the the process to make it Story Formation instead of an Explenation
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 15
1/3/2013 23:39:46   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

To maybe take out the Explanation stuff and say He, She, etc.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 16
1/4/2013 8:21:54   
dragon_monster
Member

Oh instead of young warrior,adventurer stuffs like that?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
1/5/2013 13:38:34   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Yeah that works just re write mine and i will delete my original.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 18
1/10/2013 15:47:59   
dragon_monster
Member

@Starsaber88 May I see alka's char please?Oh and by the way your inbox is full.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 19
1/12/2013 6:54:45   
AlkaNephrite
Member

@dragon_monster: Here's a bio with a sketch (albeit a very hastily made sketch sorry).

Anything else?

*runs away before any more questions are asked*


< Message edited by AlkaNephrite -- 2/1/2013 5:56:27 >
Post #: 20
1/13/2013 13:16:24   
dragon_monster
Member

nothing right now but thank you for the bio.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 21
1/25/2013 6:06:36   
AlkaNephrite
Member

*reads newest entry*
....she must've been feeling nostalgic that day, to say all that about herself. Normally she doesn't divulge that much info on one go....meh...she's weird.

Also, she's short, at least a head shorter than most of average height. She's pretty slender too. Seemingly, at least (if people squint, they can see that she's a bit muscular, though subtly so). Also, since she retired over five years ago, it's a bit doubtful that people would refer to her as a hero nowadays. Nowadays, people think of her as the candy shop owner. Maybe you could just add that she retired...?

BTW, you might've missed a few needed commas here and there, along with a couple of capitalized letters. And you might want to space your paragraphs a bit more, it makes it easier to read.

Also
quote:

Following the boy, Paul reached the inn and in front of the inn he saw a woman looking at him, she was a woman of average height and build with dark hair, the woman looks like she is in her late twenty or early thirties but looking at her eyes which were covered with glasses he noticed her hazel gold eyes color which pointed to a origin of a not completely human origin, but the thing he intrigued him at her eyes was the experience they (?), he saw similar eyes only at Christian and Rolith


Experience they what? Held? If so, you might want to add that in. Or...maybe you can just rephrase the sentence a little. It's a bit...confusing.
...*hopes she didn't come off as mean*...
Aside from that though, it's pretty nice. I like it.
Post #: 22
2/17/2013 19:51:36   
dragon_monster
Member

I added a little to the story sorry it takes so long but I have so much to do in real life.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 23
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