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Darkly Dreaming Dmitry~

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8/26/2008 16:56:29   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Look at all tis mess >_>

Hey, kids! It's Sairex, back from summer vacation and ready to send chills down your spines. Enjoy my poetic macabre and please, do comment.

For now only have my old stuff up there, I'll add new things later. It's all a mess and the poems are the unedited so lotsa typos and misspelings. I'll fix it all later, for now- Enjoy!

< Message edited by Sairex the Dragwolf -- 6/6/2010 17:19:22 >

_____________________________
AQ DF  Post #: 1
8/26/2008 18:33:01   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 The Seven Scenes of Murder:

quote:

Just to one day fully spark.

The meaning here might be a bit more clear if you added commas after and after "one day" It sets it apart and makes your point less confusing, perhaps. If you want to go the extra mile of trimming, you can even take out "just"

quote:

Paranoiac neighbour wrapped in a sheet...

If you're going for the adjective form of the word here, I think you meant to type "paranoid" ;)

quote:

I can't say now, I'm stalking,

Imo, "I am" with the extra syllable flows better.

quote:

Both when he sits, as when he's walking.

Maybe "and" fits better. Currently sounds like he's walking and sitting at the same time. <_<

quote:

Slowly I drag the scum away,

I'd put a comma after "slowly" both for grammar and for flow.

quote:

Alas I'm forced to say goodbye,

Suggestion: comma after "Alas"

*applauds* Very well done. You've got a good sense of flow and I love the concept of it. The rhymes sounds fluid, not at all forced. It really really enjoyable to read. (OMG, it was enjoyable to read about murder!) Er... *runs away from a crowd of angry people*
AQ  Post #: 2
8/29/2008 13:58:44   
r0de0b0y
Member

Chaos most delicious? I see you have some tricks up your sleeve...did I help one bit in the WA?
AQ DF  Post #: 3
8/29/2008 14:32:35   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

To be honest, you only found the mistakes that were found by other people when I went through my first approval, before the purge. But still thanks for noticing :)

And thank you Firefly, it means a lot to me when people enjoy my work.

< Message edited by Sairex the Dragwolf -- 8/29/2008 14:58:21 >
AQ DF  Post #: 4
9/23/2008 14:18:54   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

New Poem...or Song, to be exact.

Enjoy!
AQ DF  Post #: 5
9/25/2008 16:08:44   
Mistermafio
Member

Well, I got a silent hint I should be reading your latest song. ;^P

I like it very much, though if I read it correctly you only use the chorus once? I could be wrong, but I think it'd be a good thing to have it return more often. Especially as it is one of the strongest stanza's in the poem.

Great as always, keep it up ^>^
AQ  Post #: 6
9/26/2008 9:36:59   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Yeah the chorus is just there because I need the people to know that I have a chorus...where to put it is not my job, the guitarist and vocalist do that junk. Yeah, I got in a band as a lyric writer and this is my first baby, they loved it (or so they say).

Anyways, thanks for replying, it feels great that a fellow poet appreciates my work.

Oh and by the ''it's one of the strongest stanza's in the poem'' you mean my poem or poems in general?
AQ DF  Post #: 7
9/26/2008 16:18:43   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Very nice poem you got there in "Hit the Bottle".

It has such sad overtones. Lots of regret.

I like it.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
9/26/2008 16:33:19   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Hey there, Sairex! One comment, as per request. =)

Hit The Bottle is a very good song. The flow is good, and I like the message. In fact, the only ways I can see to improve it would be to make it a little longer (though it's up to you), and decide where to put the chorus(es). Can't wait till your guitar guy figures it out! All in all, good work. I like the rest of your poems, as well.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
9/29/2008 12:11:53   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

New Punk Rock style song about people who annoy me...whiners. Song is here!

Cow Face: I love it how you mentioned that I requested your comment...now look at how many replies there are here in total. Builds up confidence ^^

< Message edited by Sairex the Dragwolf -- 9/29/2008 13:00:01 >
AQ DF  Post #: 10
9/29/2008 13:01:01   
time losh
Member

As someone who was once known as the Drunken Sensei of L&L which eventually had to be changed despite how funny and true it was. I was particularly moved by your song about hitting the bottle.

The dangers of alcohol are abundant and it's important to know when the stop. In moderate doses and at the right age of responsibility which I know varies from all the different countries that L&Lers are in, it can be a beautiful thing for social events, a friends special day, or even a nice evening of bad television.

So kudos to you my friend *chugs a martini* may all of your uh...um...what was I...*drinks another martini*

Ha ha ha...look, i'm making words, Ha ha ha ha ha xD
AQ  Post #: 11
10/8/2008 20:04:41   
Swallowtail
Creative!


 I liked your first and second poems! Interesting topic AND interesting way of rhyming.

i really liked the rhyme between neglected and effective! very good!

(I'm not much of a poetry writer....) I hope you make more for me to read! Keep up the good work ^_^
AQ  Post #: 12
10/9/2008 9:48:08   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

The Most Beautiful Change

First off: new poem up, I'm actually proud of this one, it makes me forget about that failure I wrote last time.

Losh: Thanks for the kind words dude, I know it's not easy for you to comment poetry, so this means a lot to me.

Swallowtail: Many thanks for the post, I am truly honored to be visited by such a legend...of lore (hehe). And if you only read the first two, then there is a lot more in there for you to enjoy/make you vomit.
AQ DF  Post #: 13
10/9/2008 10:20:16   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
quote:

Manly tears I cry,
when the leaves slowly die.
They choose to leave,
so their offspring can live.

This is a beautiful Stanza.

I like your newest poem about Change. I think you captured a lot of in this poem.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
10/9/2008 11:00:27   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

I think it's my favorite too, thanks for posting Eukara. You know I allways love to read your replies :)
AQ DF  Post #: 15
10/13/2008 15:16:40   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

New poem, a collab by MisterMafio and me The Best Thing to Write about

Me- Bold Black, Mafio- Green

Comment away...ah who am I kidding.

< Message edited by Sairex the Dragwolf -- 10/13/2008 15:32:34 >
AQ DF  Post #: 16
11/3/2008 14:22:25   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

A new poem http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=15012314
AQ DF  Post #: 17
11/17/2008 13:42:08   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

New poem Ode to Mafio

It's a collab by me and Ana Maria, she types in pink and I am pure black.

< Message edited by Sairex the Dragwolf -- 11/17/2008 13:43:27 >
AQ DF  Post #: 18
11/19/2008 12:13:49   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

New song That's My Problem
AQ DF  Post #: 19
4/24/2010 16:51:54   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

New poem I Love

So...it's been a long time...anyone still remembers me?

Whatevs. Enjoy and comment.
AQ DF  Post #: 20
6/6/2010 17:18:50   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

New Poem Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Also if you actually stumbled into my thred abd are actually reading this, then check out my previous poem too...talking to myself again :P
AQ DF  Post #: 21
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