Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Conspiracy Corner: Parents
By Cow Face, at The Zardian e-Zine
Both this month and last month, folks on Terra were celebrating their parents. These are biannual celebrations, once for mothers and once for fathers. Ah, I remember back when I was a little cow-faced boy, the things they would say to me. "Don't stick that in your mouth! Put that down! NO, get away from the stove!" Good times. But such memories got me thinking... How do I have these memories? Who were my parents? And where are they now? Obviously, there was some sort of evil afoot. But parents aren't evil!
I have never before taken on a task this gargantuan. My mission was to travel to the different incarnations of Lore, and record my findings in an example of journalistic excellence.* For the purposes of this article, I had to borrow e-Zine funds to rent a time machine. One minor setback occurred when I realized that this time machine was, in fact, a phone booth. After borrowing more funds, I rented a real time machine, that just happened to look like a phone booth. Really, these things should have signs. While my research was long enough to fit into approximately 19.753 articles, I have compacted it into four smaller ones, arranged in chronological order.
SOLUNA CITY, LORE (TZ) - College Students Simultaneously Develop Amnesia
Soluna City, a bustling college town lit with such high points as Parma John's Mecharoni Pizza, and of course G.E.A.R.S. University, seemed like a prime place from which to receive information about parents. After all, many of these college students must have just recently flown the nest, so they have to stay in contact with their parents. Though this comes long before my time, I was wondering if I might manage to discover something concerning parents.
I knew the dire importance of my mission, so immediately, I headed for the college campus.** After several failed interviews with giant spiders, I decided to try actually going into the college; this proved more fruitful. Catching up with a group of students, I attempted to blend in by acting like I knew where I was. They gave me looks of such utter respect that I knew I had succeeded. Assuming that back in 3009, respect was shown by sidelong glances and whispering. It was no trouble getting a statement out of one of them; it has of necessity been tailored to fit my needs. All names in this article have been changed for my protection.
"It's been so long, so very long. I hardly remember their faces. Actually, I really don't remember much of anything before the 'occurrence.' The only thing that I can recall with certainty is that I was in a closed space, with a sensation of flying ever onward towards nothing. Strange things haunted my mind, like [Time-Travel] fairies being splattered against the windows [of my soul]. I ... [would like to give you money for being such a good listener.] What are you writing down? I did ... say that! Get your hands out of my pockets!" - Puffy Noodleknees, G.E.A.R.S. University Student and Generous Person
He was such a kind, gentle soul that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Though I tried my best to convince him that I didn't need money, he insisted on giving it to me anyway. Oh, that reminds me of another fond memory from my life at home. I'll never forget the time that I helped my parents out by investing in the Lorian stock market. Without even being asked, I put twenty-thousand gold in Lemon Brothers, Stern Bears and Colonel Motors. They were so happy when they heard about my new fiscal responsibility that they defenestrated me with joy.
It soon dawned upon me that while I might receive happy tales of the past from these students, not a one of them actually remembered anything besides being on a spaceship. Something here was amiss; I was going to get to the bottom of it, one way or another. Unfortunately, my phone booth was only a rental, so I needed to hurry up and get back on it, to go forward in time 4,995 years, to a town called Falconreach.
FALCONREACH, LORE (TZ) - "Heroes" Supporting Baby Dragons
A great mind once wrote, "I know a bank where the Thisslock blows, / Where Boveoxlips and Seed Spitters grow, / Quite over-canopied with luscious Deadwood, / With sweet Mushrooms and with eglantine: / There sleeps Titan Aisha sometime of the night, / Lull'd in these flowers with dances and delight; / And there the Drake throws her enamell'd skin, / Weed wide enough to wrap a Minx Fairy in."*** Only these words can truly capture the wild beauty of the land surrounding Falconreach. Naturally, I was very excited about seeing this place, so I stepped out of the time machine as quickly as possible.
Upon my exit from the machine, I was not greeted by hordes of cheering undead, as per my expectations. (I had counted on being greeted as a liberator for my expose on Paladins.) Instead, there was only one citizen of this reality in front of me. I remind my readers that I have chosen not to submit the real names of anyone in this article, so she will go by the pseudonym "Lady C." As she was the only person available to question, I asked her what parenting methods she had observed in the area.
"Very little parenting goes on around [location deleted for privacy] Grove. The thing that comes closest to it is the way in which these heroes and heroines handle their baby Dragons. It's so adorable, the way in which they take them for walks, feed them, groom them... You look pale, would you like some tea? No? Very well. But have you ever seen the little babies flying after their owners? It's so cute!" - Lady C., Tea Fanatic and Possible Member of Dragon Mafia
I had heard enough; this entire area had been infected by a madness that made them like Dragons, probably the same disease that had caused the Soluna City college students to lose their memories. Something strange and insidious was going on here, and I was possibly the only one left unharmed. My mission was clear: Go back to my own time and make sure that Battleon isn't effected. I only hoped that it wasn't too late.
BATTLEON, LORE (TZ) - Nefarious Disease Claims Town!
With a leaden hand and a heavier heart must I type these words. It is my duty, however, to let everyone know. Only the truth can set us free.
When I made my return to Battleon, I found that I had arrived too late. Already, it had spread to the other instances of Lore, warping the minds of every denizen of this wonderful planet. I could not find a single person who could remember who their parents were; not even Aria had a picture of Grams hanging up on her pet shop wall. To make matters worse, a gang of rogue Mages, calling themselves "adventurers," and armed with leather jackets, big sticks and cheesecake, were spreading havoc across the town.**** Though I was naturally frightened, I managed to ask their leader if he knew why there were no parents in the town. After swallowing some gingerbread, he spat out his bubblegum and answered me. His name has not been changed, because he promised not to smite me if I gave him more bubblegum.
"The lack of parents for player characters is easy to explain: We name them, we care about them, we train them, we live with them, we control their minds... Players are the true parents who care about their daughters/sons. Oh, and they would never make them go to a labyrinth 2 hours a day to get some gold for shiny items. What kind of monster would do that?" - Seraphiel, Lord of Destruction, Evil and Cheesecake
I then realized that even powerful mages had been touched by this pandemic. Perhaps no-one was safe. The only solution was to go back, before even the time of Soluna City, and see when this had occurred. I raced back to my time machine, determined to set things to right. I mashed buttons, flipped switches, turned handles! And, of course, Murphy's Law took hold.
Emerging coughing and sputtering from my machine, I stumbled out into an area of Lore which I had never before seen.***** Bones of some great creature- a Dragon?- lay in front of me, surrounded by barren, dead land. Was this the end, then? Is this the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper?****** I strode despairingly forth, wanting to find the secret of this dread place. Finally, I saw a living person; what a welcome sight! Loyal to the last to my journalistic instincts, I interviewed her.
Cow Face: Where am I, and who are you?
Mysterious Person: My name is Gravelyn, the commander of the Shadowscythe forces on Lore. You are in Shadowfall, our current headquarters. It had been my father's flying fortress, until Drakath grounded it.
CF: Wait, you know who your parent or parents was or were?
Gravelyn: Of course I know who my parent was! Sepulchure, the mighty lord of Evil, who... is no longer with us.
CF: While I'm sorry to hear that, I'm also quite elated. Does this mean that there still are people who know their parents?
G: Um, yes...? Say, how about joining our forces?
CF: Sure, if you have a good dental plan.
After signing some papers, I went back to my time machine and managed to set it right, and thereby make my way back to the Lore I know. There is hope for this world- eventually, the sickness will end, and all will be as it should be. That, at least, is something to celebrate. Along with one's parents, of course.
__________
* That's likely, innit?
** Actually, my first stop was Parma John's, but that's not important.
*** This is from A Mid-Undeath's Dream by famed undead playwright William Shake Spear.
**** By "havoc," I mean destroying random monsters. So, obviously evil.
***** "Cow Face, I don't think we're in Battleon anymore..."
****** With all due respect to Mr. Eliot.
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