Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Space, The Final Frontpage
by Rimblade
A recent poll conducted by The Foundation For the Education of the Modern Adventurer has shown that, of all the many, many news sources on Lore*, there is nothing so well trusted and as wildly read as The Zardian.
This information is gratifying, but comes as no surprise to The Zardian's elite corps of writers, artists, editors, reporters, spies, mercenaries and heavy artillery divisions, who have sought constantly to bridge the gap between cities, countries, continents and even alternate universes in order to provide readers with interesting and relevant
stories. Without a shadow of a doubt, there is no competing entity which can match the quality and dedication of The Zardian's investigative team!**
Dear readers, I bring this issue before you today not to brag*** but rather to speak upon a very important subject; the eternal void of space.
Very recently, the launch of the Warpforce took the world by storm (though the careless pilot involved later apologized for his accidental atmospheric violation), and many people have since held dreams of adventures in space. (I myself have already procured a state-of-the-art ship made entirely from solid gold, and outfitted it with disco balls in every room, a perfect vessel for high-speed space hijinks.) While these starry-eyed starfarers may have nothing but thoughts of laser battles and epic dogfights, one may rest assured that more sinister members of the Warpforce have already hit upon the great threat created by a dearth of adventurers in space- economics.
The possibilities for the acquisition of wealth in space are innumerable, if not instantly apparent. To help the gentle reader gain a greater understanding of this, I shall expound upon some major industries affected.
Mining - In space, ore is cheap. There is precisely forty-five thousand octillian kilotons more metal in space than there is on Lore,**** and none of it is in territory which large acquisition firms can lay claim to. A prospector with a sufficiently powerful and advanced mining rig might quickly be able to drive literally dozens of Lorians out of work with their absurd resources and fanciful flying cars.
Alchemy - Do you know how many planets with entirely new phylum one would have to discover to quickly be able to produce chemical mixtures which are currently impossible? One. This would allow for the creation of huge pharmacy chains entirely unregulated by the protocols of either Deren OR the Guardian Tower, thereby allowing the market to flood with items plagued with inefficient quality control, funny tastes, and occasionally plague.
Engineering - There's no technical data to back this up, but it should be self-evident that anything you can create on Lore will be cooler if you make it in space. Next!
Fishing - In space, the schools of fish are SO large that a single expedition could return with food sufficient to sustain the entire planet for days. While currently illegal, whaling opportunities in space may also plague the morally bankrupt, once they discover that the blubber of the Talosian Space Whale is capable of heating a home efficiently, makes excellent insulation, and grants those who imbibe it the power to fly.
Media - Here we come to the big issue, the main issue; some might say the only issue. It is a well-known fact that, without the proper coverage and professional reporting so many on Lore have come to expect, the quality of life would diminish noticeably. In fact, some theorize that it would drop to zero, at which point the valiant space-explorers would perish instantly. Therefore, it is entirely certain that an infrastructure to support the news-media in space will eventually develop. If the Warpforce is successful in war against multidimensional threats, it is entirely possible that they will liberate strange new worlds, thereby creating ready-made markets for tabloids which (lacking the expression and drive of The Zardian) will surely be nothing more than penny dreadfuls.
In order to avoid these terrible fates, especially and almost entirely the last one, The Zardian has decided to begin publishing in multiple mediums, so as to be available on-demand for the savvy member of the Warpforce. Yes, soon everyone will be able to get all the latest news and stories of things happening across several universes simply by tuning in on their viewcorders, placing an order through their personal teleporters or wishing really, really hard!*****
So good luck in all of your interplanetary endeavors, and don't forget to read The Zardian! Or else you will perish!
This message sponsored by Ubey Os, where subliminal commands are our bottom line!
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*Such as The Zardian!
**Special thanks to the Assassin Class, which has helped us achieve this peerless state, one peer at a time!
***NYAH, you silly people of The Daily Moglin who thought to compete with us! Let the loss of everything you ever loved teach you of our superiority in the news-media!
****Yes, I counted. Prove me wrong.
*****Our special fleet of half-dream space-unicorns are standing by to make all of your wishes come true; assuming all of your wishes can be found within the pages of The Zardian, everyone's number one news source!
*Editor's note: Space unicorns are on a first come, first serve basis. And they are corralled in a special place just outside the solar system to prevent the night-mares from finding them...
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