Poopetry


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7/13/2008 14:04:23

Firefly
Lore-ian

Are you looking for some adventure? For some laughs? For some terrible poetry that will make your eyes bleed out of their sockets? Look no further, my friend, for you've come to the realm of "Poopetry," where L&L gathers to write the worst poems conceivable to humanity. Read us, revere in the power of grotesque language, and someday (once we've converted you to a loyal follower of the worst), make your own contribution to wow us all with its undeniable horror.

Comment? Wish to tell of how these pieces of verse have managed to scar your soul? Click the link below:

Poopetry~Comments Thread

Rules: (Yes, there are a few guidelines even to terrible poetry =P)

1. Always, always, always, go for the worst poetry possible. Don't try to add a good one here. Such a wonderful piece will be... dishonoured, shall we say?

2. Don't post two poems in a single post. Double posting is fine, but posting more than one poem creates problems when linking to individual posts in the index.

3. Don't make degrading comments that sound like attacks. We're all here to have fun! ^_^ These poems never represent the skills of their authors.

4. Don't be tempted to post the poems directly on the comments thread. It's a fun collab, but spamminess and disobedience to the forum order isn't appropriate.

5. No inappropriate material please. Bad poetry or not, it's still a PG-13 forum.

6. Try not to make a poem that has it's horribleness derived mainly from spelling and grammar errors. That makes it less funny, less, er, creative, shall I say?

7. No prose please. Horrible prose is fun, but not really in line with this collab.

8. Always post your own work. Never go posting a horrible poem you read, even if you give credit to the author. The purpose is laughter, not degradation.

9. If any bad poetry mini-contests commence, the decisions of judges are final. No whining, please.

10. If you want to post a poem, you don't have to clear it with me beforehand. But make sure you comment on the comments thread right after posting so we can keep track of it.

11. Anyone is welcome to join this collab.

12. If you have the poem posted on another thread, it's perfectly fine to duplicate a version onto here.

13. Try to have a title for the poem, please. Makes the index easier to manage without a bunch of "Untitled 101" stuff...

Have I forgotten something? Maybe. Please tell me if I have.

Index:

Spider
By: Firefly

Your Shoe and Your Dad
By: amboo

My Fox
By: gwoonjustin

Cube
By: r0de0b0y

Love
By: Firefly

Lobo-Tomy
By: fabula

No More Haikus!
By: Firefly

I Like Trees
By: Recar Dragonlance

The Sun
By: ~Shade~

Already the Ancient Romans
By: fabula

I Wonder
By: GhostBear5

Ed
By: r0de0b0y

Manhattan and Me
By: Firefly

Dumpster of Death
By: ~Shade~ and Firefly

Untitled
By: Coyote

The Info-Commons
By: Argeus the Paladin

Oh, Snow!
By: fabula

An Ode to Emily Dickenson
By: Cow Face

Wooing My Boo
By: fabula

My Love
By: Firefly

Stalker's Lament
By: Cow Face

Being A Dragon
By: Cow Face

Horrible Haikus
By: fabula

< Message edited by Firefly -- 9/18/2010 12:29:47 >

Post #: 1

7/13/2008 14:05:30

Firefly
Lore-ian

Spider

The spider sometimes knows how to walk,
The spider knows how to talk.
Say hello to an old fellow
Hey there, willow!

Willow trees are insanely cool,
They love to go boo!
Love is something to take for granted.
Oh wait, it isn’t.
Never mind.

Best to never mind,
Never care.
‘cause everything is crazy out there.

Once in a while, we all like to fill our heads with air,
Hot air,
Hot air balloons make my day,
If I could just find one to ride on someday.

I’m in the air, way up high,
Saying to the world, “Goodbye!”
I jump off the balloon in suicide,
Like a spider from up high.

But unlike that spider, I can die.

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/15/2008 12:56:14 >

Post #: 2

7/13/2008 14:27:44

Amboo
October 2008 Poet of the Month...Woot!

Let's bring back a classic,

YOUR SHOE AND YOUR DAD

I like to do jumping jacks,
because they are cool.
I like to be happy,
because if you are sad, you're a fool.

I like to run in circles,
to use up all my hoot-spah.
And then after I run in my circles,
I will use my footspa.

I like to guess the dictator,
and movies and television too.
And when I look under my bed,
I only see one shoe.

But that's okay,
because I'm not sad.
Because my other shoe,
is hanging out with my dad.

Roller coasters are lots of fun,
they make you bounce and go wee!
But you better watch out,
Sometimes they make you pee.

But if your pants get wet, don't be sad,
you can always go hang out, with your shoe and your dad!

< Message edited by amboo -- 7/13/2008 14:28:47 >

Post #: 3

7/13/2008 15:02:13

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

This one reinsures me my serious poetry could always get worse.

My fox

My fox is great
I have a blade
It's real shiny
I'm not tiny
And avarage weight

I love unicorns
Some are blue
Or maybe purple
I've never seen one
Gohsts say BOO
I have to burp
I'm staring into the sun

I am great
My fox
sucks
compared to me
'cause I'm great

I once ate a toy
It was one of them boy
s
Like the boyfriend of barby
I think they're called Ken
s

This isn't about my fox anymore
I hope I've become a major bore
But if I have, don't get all sore
You should've just stopped reading
Well, at least I didn't sing

I'm gonna sing
A song
And I'm gonna ring
A gong

I like pie
I'm going
to go
Goodbye

Post #: 4

7/13/2008 18:16:17

r0de0b0y
Member

Unable to figure out what 'prose' means, I decided to creatify my spam

Cube

Oh little Companion Cube
Where has you gone?
I threw you into flaming tubes
Was that so wrong?

My heart aches
As I cut the cake
Cause you're not there
For me to share

Because you're dead
I tore you to pieces
And then ate them
(They tasted like bread)

Now I'm lonely
I cut myself
I hang out with a disgruntled elf
His name is Fred

I think you're "still alive"
I'm never gonna give you up
That's what Rick Astely says
"Never gonna give you up"

Post #: 5

7/13/2008 19:03:13

Firefly
Lore-ian

Love

Love is beautiful,
Love is cruel,
Love is something without rules.

Love is happy!
Like a puppy!
Love is sad,
Oh so bad!

Love makes me happy with its loveliness,
Love makes me sad with its horribleness.

I like love!
I hate love!
I dunno what to think of love…

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/14/2008 12:56:56 >

Post #: 6

7/14/2008 11:09:50

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Let's give it a go, shall we...

Lobo-Tomy

Earlier I thought that
Lobo-Tomy meant a-alpha male
in an Omega cartoon
And so, oh!
I ticked a box
because a text told 'yes' beside it
and became a nitwit
with chickenpox.
Oh, I hid so low-ow
with a green-bereted baboon.
Yet all I got was a-b-beta sale,
And now I'm – what!

Post #: 7

7/14/2008 12:22:50

Firefly
Lore-ian

No More Haikus!

No, I won’t do it!
I’ll never write a haiku!
Crap… I just did one…

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/14/2008 12:57:14 >

Post #: 8

7/14/2008 13:45:51

Recar Dragonlance
Member

I Like Trees
I like trees
They fancy bees
Upon my knees
I lost my keys.

I like fleas
My brap is rees
My name has one Ts
Your life is incomplete with out mes.

Firefly likes peas
When they are Lees
Her face comes in threes
Without wees

I like the breaze
It makes me freeze
Throughout my d's
I will never say please.

Post #: 9

7/14/2008 13:56:24

~Shade~
Member

The Sun
The sun is awesome, and stuff.
Do you like the sun?
I love the sun yay!

Post #: 10

7/14/2008 16:08:35

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Already the Ancient Romans

Already the ancient Romans
knew about the muses
and how they can cause you bruises.

But let's go to Greece
before I have to sneeze
and eat a little cheese.

You know, there lived a guy
oh-my, oh-my
called Zeus.
Well, actually, he was a god,
not human at all,
although he was quite the doll.
Enough of this!

Next stop, Europe, Medieval times.
Filled with plague and crimes,
and too many rhymes.

The bards should've been hanged!
But, instead they were
oops, I almost got myself into trouble
and now this starts to wobble.

What about the ancient Romans?
I did start there, didn't I?
Don't ask me, I've got Alzheimer and stuff
Enough!

There was this man called Caesar
with no rhyme to match his name.
So he invented the game
of divide and rule
and got carried around by a mule.

Caesar was a clever man
he never wore a tan,
only a toga
but only before he invented yoga.
After that, it would've been bad.
It would've made Nero sad
enough to burn Rome...
but wait! He did...

DF	Post #: 11

7/15/2008 13:32:50

Resolute
Member

I wonder...
Me wonders
When cheese is bitten
When it thunders
Is it smitten?

You wonders
When you die
With all your blunders
Do you go up to the sky?

Everybody be thinkin
When the pimping
Guy be drinken
In the cool cup

~GB5~

Post #: 12

7/15/2008 23:18:11

r0de0b0y
Member

Ed

I have a pet squid
His name is Ed
I feed him french toast
When he's on my head

He's usually very friendly
But sometimes he's mean
Ed likes eating clothes
from the washing machine

Ed and I do stuff together
Like burning little ants
Playing tag, throwing water balloons
Taking over all of France(Woot!)

Ed, you do the right things
But you need a little push
America thanks you
For impeaching Prezzy Bush(Another woot!)

One day I went to his cage
And knew that his time had come
The memories will stay forever
Fried squid, anyone?

In memory of Ed~ 2008 July 14th - 2008 July 15th

Post #: 13

7/22/2008 23:09:06

Firefly
Lore-ian

Manhattan and Me

I walk down the Chinatown streets,
Where forest was and Manhattan be.
The smell of fish really reeks,
And the passers-by swear instead of speak.

Garbage splays across the roads,
Enough to turn fevers into a cold,
Nonetheless, I love this city,
Every bit of it, itsy-bitsy.

The highways have restrictions galore,
And there is dirt all over the doors,
The roads turn like mazes of forever,
And confusion is with me, always together.

The trees were cut long ago,
And it's the so-called centre of the globe,
I tap dance to its ugly beat,
Singing: "Why don't you come visit Manhattan and me?"

AQ	Post #: 14

7/23/2008 19:20:52

~Shade~
Member

Note: This is a collaborative poem between Firefly and I. Fun, no? Be ready for epicness.

Dumpster of Death

ES: Garbage is stinky, horrible, and gross.
FF: Made of bananas and rotten French toast.
ES: It stinks up the malls, and fills my nostrils with EBILNESS!
FF: And I hate how much it touches my nose's feebleness.

FF: I'm throwing it out at this very moment.
ES: Not even giving it a thought or two or three or four, as I throw it into the can, of even the smallest acknowledgement.
FF: But my foot slips in my movements, toppling me down with it.
ES: And so I fall down into the steaming pile of garbage, my head landing on a stick.

ES: As I lie there in banana peels and coffee grinds, I got MAD, not Glad.
FF: And guess what? Lying in stinkin' garbage ain't a fad!
ES: This stinks, my clothes are mucky and weird!
FF: And I've got dirty... stuff... in my ears.

FF: Stumbling off the rubble as I curse in a rhyme,
ES: Damn it, damn it, damn it, this ain't very fine!
FF: I stomp over the garbage and it gushes into my shoes, grinding,
ES: I kick at the garbage, sending it flying.

ES: After the dirt settles, I walk to the door,
ES: But then I trip again, yes, yes, once more.
FF: I smash my dirtied face into a bruised one,
FF: And try to get up, feeling like I weight a tonne.

FF: I scramble upstairs for the bathroom but fall off the steps,
ES: But I fall down again, what the heck's gonna happen next?
FF: My knee is scraped, the blood mixing with the leftover junk.
ES: I hope it's not infected, it's big and full of gunk!

ES: There's some weird green shards in it too,
FF: Is that glass? Or magic? Or... no, it can't be! I'm dooooomed!
ES: It's radioactive, like Kryptonite, oh my God. I think I've got the power of flight!
FF: I shall go save the world now! Vanquish the blight!

FF: So I fly through the towns looking for monsters to slay,
ES: When suddenly, I get the urge to play!
FF: I find a funny frilly dress that looks just right for the woman next door.
ES: So I fly over and drop it on her head, unlike the heroes of legends and lore.

ES: She goes crazy and picks up her gun,
FF: Saying: "Hey, kid, can't let you have all the fun!"
ES: So I say, "Sure, you stupid old git," throw the crystals into a pothole, and throw her into the pit.
FF: I then bury her inside, shovelling garbage over her in bits.

FF: As people crowd over to watch the scene,
ES: Smiling and looking over the view, I thought, Hey! This place looks a little too clean...
FF: So I grab all my garbage and everyone else’s too.
ES: I dump it over them. Ha! They all smell like poo!

ES: Suddenly, my hand starts to glow.
FF: I laugh as I realize that I can shoot lazer beams that create holes.
ES: When suddenly, I feel a weird thing fly by my head.
FF: The second one followed, taking me in the chest

FF: I look up at the cops who shot me down,
ES: Falling and falling, down toward the ground.
FF: My face hits a pile of garbage for the final time,
ES: And, smelling coffee and bananas, I die.

< Message edited by ~Shade~ -- 7/23/2008 19:29:32 >

Post #: 15

8/7/2008 0:43:57

Coyote
Member

Untitled

On a fine summer morn on a fine summer day,
A cup of mocha can make you pay.
"Alas," said the dwarf. "Squee," said the pickle:
I paid for that very word with a nickel.
So bow down to the rightful heir, his frightful hair--
To the pail of burritos, I say!

And so the dragon dined with the shoe
Quoth the Ghost, "Adieu, adieu."
The wolf walked down the dreary road--
Do not lick the back of a toad!
Do not eat hasty lunches, tasty hunches--
My, how my doorbell grew!

O brawling love, O loving hate!
I will now sink the ball of eight.
But should an ibis fly above,
I shall wear my hot pink glove.
O how it burns! O how it learns--
For an awe-inspiring toenail will await!

So what should I do if I call a box?
Am I a dragon, a wolf, or a fox?
My pencil will tell the truth
For Sherlock Holmes is quite the sleuth.
Is the globe red? The candles fed?
O how haughty a bucket of rocks!

And thus concludes our most thrilling tale
With "Once upon a time" and "Pass the ale"
For the broccoli met the cucumber on a Saturday night,
So I must go off to slay the Bright Knight.
He is a very happy bird, a flappy bird--
So said the dove to the whale.

AQW

Post #: 16

8/7/2008 1:52:22

Argeus the Paladin
Member

The Info-Commons.

Last sunday I thristed of games,
Missed them so hard that I started calling names
Now today I am in the ANU,
Talking about last week, I laugh, "how lame!"

And then you guys may ask why,
As, hey, you don't go to school just to say hi,
But, well, this school has some computer rooms,
Always open to girls and guys.

They lined the table with tough Dells*,
The name of which may not yet ring a bell,
But just sit down, switch on and start,
And hey, they're good as hell!

"This is a fairly good CPU,
All what I need is to get it to use,
As long as I don't download stuffs,
I just certainly can't be sued..."

So I play and play and play.
Realizing around me bags of all sort lay,
For this while, what must I care?
I am here whacking some harmless play!

But then heaven was to end,
As into the room barged Mr. Someone,
Who told me to what I have to mend,
"Get out of here, lad...

STAT2001 tutorial's going on in here!"

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 8/7/2008 1:55:36 >

DF	Post #: 17

11/26/2008 15:59:42

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Oh, Snow!

Against my window
Fell a flake of snow
How, I don't know
I guess its spouse is now a widow.

Teacher taught each one of them flakes is unique
To me, they all look the same
Melted mass on the glass and pretty darn lame
I'm calling this squished one Monique

Where, oh, where does the white gold of white Winter's white clouds on white heaven above the white pittoresque rural landscape come from?
From angels' bon-bon?
From a pillowfight in the near neighbourhood?
A flake!
It is an Enigma.

Like life itself, it is a platitude.
It's gone soon, at least on this latitude.

Oh, Snow!
Thou art so whyte!
Thou art so cool!
Thou make kids go out and drool!
Thy slender but fragile crystal arms extend delicately from a plump frozen stiff centre with hesitance and determination!
Thy flight is a-fluttering-wonder
as the wind blows you yonder!

What is life?
What is snow?
Do you know?

DF	Post #: 18

12/4/2008 15:35:49

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

An Ode To Emily Dickenson

Up my wall--
crawled a fly--
I threw a shoe--
and watched it die--

A fly crawled up--
My bedroom wall--
I tore off its legs--
And watched it fall--

I'll probably sit here 'til I die--
Coming up with poems about this fly--
Trying to figure out--
What in the world rhymes with orange!?
--

Post #: 19

12/21/2008 19:35:38

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Wooing My Boo

Roses are red, violets are so awesome,
They both are pretty wholesome.
I am extra handsome,
yet without you I am quite lonesome.
This feeling is very troublesome.

The previous letter went into a garbage bin
Now let me begin!

Honey, you are the sweetest thing I ever saw,
I want your mother as an in-law.
What a spectacular couple we would make.
We would be more real than anyone could fake.
You, the gorgeous Queen of Dairy,
and me, with my chest so hairy!

And talking about flowers.
With all my powers,
I would bring you dozens of roses from your grandma's garden,
if she didn't have that Rottweiler as their warden.

You have no idea how much I you adore!
My Amore, you are my very own Glitter-Galore!
Your sweet voice comforts my dreams; I'll never weep.
As soon as I hear you talk I fall asleep.

Oh, you with your beautiful orbs!
Oh, you with your filthy mouth and endless retorts!
With all that Wham and your eyes so tiny,
you make me sound so excessively whiny!

I wish you'd release me from this mire.
I wish you'd ignite my fire.
I wish you'd call me 'Sire',
Instead of hopeless liar.

Honey, I know you dig all that ghetto bling-bling.
So, check this out, I thee present Teh Ring!
The stone's really big, but it has an affordable price-tag:
compliments of Sleeky-Joe's pawn-shop-shag.
And don't you worry, if you ever lose it from thy finger;
it'll leave a green ring around it for ever to linger.

So, Honey, will you be my very own minion?
Will you let me whisper 'I wuv you' in Klingon?

Please, Honey, don't be mean.
I have never been this keen.
I would treat you with utmost chivalry,
even when we'll end up committing adultery.

Before you dump me, answer me at least this --
because I'm sure gonna miss you, Miss,
after you've walked away with those high-heel-shoes that'll surely give you blisters --
Have you got any hot sisters?

DF	Post #: 20

12/23/2008 19:48:49

Firefly
Lore-ian

My Love

[Verse 1]
I want to take you on a roller coaster ride
And have lots of fun
And run
Around
Like a pair of turtle buns.

[Chorus]
I need you
My looooooooove!
I want you
My looooooooove!
I want to hug you and kiss you and bliss you
My looooooooove!

[Verse 2]
You tore up my heart
And glued it together with duck tape
Oh, I forgot
It was scotch tape
Which creates
A sense of time
In this rhyme
Of utter insanity
In my brain
I love you
I forgot to say
I hate it whenever you tell me you don’t love me today
(Maybe tomorrow?)

[Chorus]
I need you
My looooooooove!
I want you
My looooooooove!
I want to hug you and kiss you and bliss you
My looooooooove!

[Verse 3]
BUT YOU REJECTED ME!!
And reality
Now wants to eat up my heart
We part
This is art
Of dancing
Of spamming
Of fantasy and science fiction and planning
Because I love you

[Chorus]
I need you
My looooooooove!
I want you
My looooooooove!
I want to hug you and kiss you and bliss you
My looooooooove!

[Verse YesThisIsTheLastOneSoIWon’tTortureYouAnyLonger]
I’m bleeding to death because you don’t love me
So come here for me
And see me as I cry
I mean, die
That’s right
Can’t forget what I’m doing right now, eh?
Unless you say
“Hey”
“Wait”
“I’ve got a complaint
That someone loves me”
But is love a crime?
Oh well, time to end this stupid rhyme.

NO, PLAY THE REFRAIN ONE MORE TIME!

[Chorus]
I need you
My looooooooove!
I want you
My looooooooove!
I want to hug you and kiss you and bliss you
My looooooooove!

AQ	Post #: 21

1/1/2009 13:20:56

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Stalker's Lament

When I wake up in the morning
And look at the poster of you,
My heart is filled with love;
I hope you love me too.

So I open my closet door,
Burn an offering to the shrine.
(I put candles all 'round,
So that your face will shine!)

I start up my red Cadillac,
Drive to the place where I must work.
I can't stop thinking, "You";
It gives my heart a jerk.

I can't stop talking about you,
Seems nobody understands me.
They all give me weird looks,
They all think I'm creepy.

Well, those foolish human beings,
They are just not that bright at all.
They want to lock me up,
Plotting to make me fall.

These people all get in the way,
All they ever do is hinder.
I shall go grab a torch,
Burn them to small cinders.

Oh dear, the police are coming,
They are going to arrest me.
When will they understand?
How can I make them see...?

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 1/6/2009 15:09:22 >

Post #: 22

1/7/2009 13:48:54

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Being A Dragon
By Nuclear Dragon

Being a Dragon is splendiferously pleasant!
You get to take all the Frostval presents,
Scare the heck out of some innocent peasants,
And awe the world with your fearsome presence.

Dragons have talons, did you know that?
If we were Ghetto, then we would call ourselves "Phat."
Er, not to be confused with the word "Fat."
If it didn't confuse you, give your back a pat.

We Dragons know of rhymes for orange!
Like... uh... Let me think of some, and I'll get back to you.

Knights have a delicious crunchy taste;
We like to chew them up into sticky paste.
But we save the gold they have, to do otherwise would be a waste.

So... Yeah, that's what being a Dragon is like.
<Insert ending line that rhymes with "Like" here>

Note: For those of you who don't know, Nuclear Dragon is my alter ego.

Post #: 23

3/8/2009 16:51:23

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Horrible Haikus

I have counted the
syl-lab-les so many times.
This row has about five.

Life is a flow-er;
blooms in the spring; wilts if not
watered. Water!

The soap sings in a
crescendo. Wanna see some
Bubbles? They die soon.

The birds sang. Kill them!
The snitches tell-told. Kill them!
Horrible haiku!

Out of boredom comes
inventive stuff like...Umm...Well...
I'm not bored enough.

Moon shone in gloomy
tunes. No, tones. Or was it blues?
Outta syl-lab-les.

DF	Post #: 24

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