Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Zard Mating Rituals
by Ultrapowerpie
Is this thing on? I can’t tell if this recording orb is... wait... ah, yes, I think that’s it... would you mind holding this?
"Crikey! This is some fancy doodad you got here! Where'd you get it?"
Warlic let me borrow it Zard Hunter, now please be quiet, I'm trying to do my report here...
"Sorry Cid! Carry on!"
Well folks, I hope you're ready for a real treat today! You see, conveniently at the same time as Hero's Heart Day is the annual Zard Mating Day, where Zards choose their partners for the rest of the year! Joining us today is the expert in all things Zardy, the Zard Hunter! He will also be carrying the recording orb so that way I don't have to worry about dropping it and I can blame him if that does happen!
"Thanks... hey, wait a..."
And what better place to find Zards then in our very own Greengaurd Forest! Isn't that right Zard Hunter?
"Crikey, it is! Just the other day I was talking to Twilly, and he told me some adventurer had spent his entire time in the forest just hunting Zards! He said that he had killed 512 Zards that day!"
512, that's a lot! How on Lore did he keep track of it? Was there a little counter floating above him or something?
"It's a mystery to us all mate, a mystery to us all..."
Wait Zard Hunter! I think I see one! Quick, get down here in the bushes... there we go! Is this a male or a female? I can never tell, they all look the same to me... well, I mean, besides that some are on fire, others zap you, some look like whales and others are completely black... you know what I mean.
"Well, there's a couple of ways to tell the difference... Shape of the nose, size, luster of their scales... but I think we can safely assume that this one is male."
And why is that Zard Hunter?
"Well, if you look closely, you'll notice the giant 'Ladies, I’m available' sign he has somehow super glued to his back."
Most peculiar... I thought Zards were too stupid to read and write, let alone super glue signs to their backs... Didn't know they could do that!
"Neither did I... Crikey that's some excellent penmanship, you'd have to be pretty smart to write like that! Unless you're a doctor of course, but clearly this bloke ain't no doctor!"
You don't think the SmartZard was behind this... do you?
"Crikey, I think you may be right! He might have completely turned this uncultured ruffian into a sophisticated desperate Zard! This is absolutely... oh look, it's a female Zard! You can tell because she has a blonde wig on!"
Wigs? What the... Zard Hunter, I suspect that something funky is going..."
"Shhh! They’re performing the mating ritual!!!"
Fine, fine, fine... The male Zard is now removing the sign from his back and is putting on a... cowboy hat? Where did he get that hat, I don't see...
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You'll interrupt it if you're too loud! Crikey, that's some good square dancing they're doing, eh?"
I didn't even know they COULD square dance... now they switched to line dancing... wow they're amazing dancers and... wait, where did that table come from?
"Probably the same place they got that fine china and tea set. Crikey, I could use some of that back at my place!"
This doesn't make any... tea AND crumpets? And now the male Zard has a monocle while the female Zard is wearing a tea cozy? I’m vastly confused by this...
"Crikey, now they're putting everything away inside an itty bitty bag... say, isn't that the potion bag that Guardians use?"
I think you're right... the potion bags must have infinite holding space! THAT'S why I can find an infinite amount of potions in there whenever I run low on them! I always wondered how they could magically refill me when thousands of others use the same bag during wars... I must do an article on that some time...
"Crikey! I think they're constructing a small balcony! That's some stone masonry right there! They're fast for a bunch of Zards, I’ll give you that."
Now they're... performing the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet? They even got little costumes and... alright, enough of this! What exactly is going on here with these Zards? This is the most bizarre mating ritual I've ever...
"CUT CUT CUT! Who is interrupting my play? You! What are you doing here with the Zard Hunter and that shiny recording orb?"
SmartZard? Is that you? What are you doing here... and why do you have a shiny recording orb that clearly has a video device on it?
"I'm recording the romance scene for my play! And you're ruining it!"
I thought you were on DinoZard Island... or whatever that place was?
"That was a huge fiasco, so I decided to devote my genius to the arts, and thought I could make a cultured play for my less intelligent brethren so that they may be educated with some manners."
"Crikey! I guess this means we didn't see the real mating ritual after all! We'll have to wait 'til next year before we can see them again, eh?"
"There won't BE a next year for you two if you don't get out of here by the count of 3... 2... 1..."
Sorry folks, it's time for this reporter to get out of here before he's vaporized by a giant laser beam, bye!
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