Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Love Strikes From The Shadows
by Rimblade
It is well known that for all things, there is an equal and opposite force: Yin and Yang, Light and Dark... Cosmic balance, and harmony, and various other sundry cosmic truths. Until recently, however, there has always been one exception- Love.
"Love conquers all," said Dean Warlic, addressing a group of reporters Monday. "All you need is love. Love is in the air. And the greatest of these is love."
"Until now."
"With the aid of modern science, represented in this case by gigantic robot mecha, we have managed to analyze the substratum of love and attempt an inversion procedure. Although our recent experiment resulted in a catastrophic cascade failure which killed everyone involved. Still, our teams were able to locate the results while we cleared the shattered rubble of our building, and produce a definitive thesis! Love does have an equal and opposing force:"
"Ninjitsu"
Yes, ninjas. For centuries uncounted, these master spies and assassins have had an almost magical ability to creep soundlessly through the shadows, to do battle with pirates from entire nations away and to move with great stealth even while wearing bright orange blazers. Now, the secret came out it seemed- their shadow magic and lust for battle were fueled by searing hate.
"No, no, no," said the great Ninja Sage, He Who Is Highly Sagacious From The Shadows, "Not hate. Ninjitsu. Hate is not the opposite of love. Ninjitsu is."
From his temple perch in the high mountains of some place with a funny name where there are lots of ninjas, the Ninja Sage gestures upon the great ninja training grounds below- at least, we're assured that they rest below, somewhere. In all honestly, all we could see were high, snow-capped peaks of dark rock. It was, in and of itself, a very stealthy ninja* training ground.
"Do you know why the Ninja are so feared?" asked the great Sage, sweeping his arm across the expansive view.
"No," spake the Zardian staff
"It is because the Ninja are stealthy. It is because the Ninja are swift, and because they are fearless in battle, but most of all it is the stealth. It is not easy to gain
the ninjitsu to become so stealthy, and so you must train from birth. Let me tell you of the training of the Ninja."
These Were the Lessons the Master Imparted
1- As a babe, the Ninja is kept in a nursery full of fluffy toys and smiling nursemaids. All of these are booby-trapped, and will explode if the baby approaches.
2- As a toddler, the Ninja is raised on a strict diet of those cheap candy hearts which say 'I love you' on them. With(Ninja**)in a week, they have grown sick of them. Within a month, the very shape is repulsive.
3- When a child in school, each Ninja warrior is paired with a boy or girl who will smother them with affection while repeatedly hitting them. This trains them to dodge blows.
4- As an adolescent, the Ninja is instead chased by entire mobs of admirers, all of whom desire to squeeze and hug and babble at the Ninja until he faints with fright. So does the Ninja learn to hide.
5- Thus does ninjitsu blossom in the heart of the Ninja, who fears only love.
"It makes a great deal of sense" said Cysero's magical ball, resident expert on love. "You'll notice that those kids too shy to express their affection for others tend to fade into the background, socially speaking. Absolute terror would only enhance this skill, leading to the magical art known as ninjitsu."
"Yes," said a Ninja, who vanished before furnishing us with his name. "That is the case. This is also why Ninja must fight alone, and not in groups. When many Ninja are together, we feel a bond of brothership, for all the hardships the other has known. This love weakens our ninjitsu, leaving us powerless to defeat various cowboys and loose-cannon cops on the edge who do not play by the rules. Only in solitude can the ninjitsu blossom."
Having uncovered the ancient secret of the Ninja, the Zardian has slowly come to realize that their powers grow ever-greater as February waxes into Hero's Heart Day, when there is so much love in the air as to render the Ninja entirely undetectable. The Zardian urges you to remember- when confronted with a Ninja threat, stay calm and immediately yell at the invisible suspected ninja, appearing as absurd and unlikeable as possible. Only by disgusting the Ninja will you overpower his fear of love, thereby rendering him visible once more.
Also remember to take a video of yourself screaming at the clearly-empty room and mail it to The Zardian!***
_________________________
*Ninja have bolded all the words ninja, except for those ninja words too stealthy for ninja-editors to find. Only those are worthy.
**A fine try, ninja word, but the ninja editor has located you!
***Do not do this
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