(DF)The Rise of Razor


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1/6/2011 18:50:45

guthixnite
Member

here is where you can post any criticism on my story here.

AQW

Post #: 1

1/6/2011 19:04:23

Razen
Member

It was OK so far. Not the best story I have read, but surely not the worst. The Ending was somewhat strange though. I would suggest you give a good descriptive wording of the scene like, the foggy mist hindered my sight as I walked aimlessly through the dead, ancient woods.

< Message edited by Shinobi Shadowmaster -- 1/6/2011 19:07:46 >

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AQW

Epic

Post #: 2

1/6/2011 19:09:13

guthixnite
Member

@shadow: this is just the prologue. if all goes according to plan, it will make sense after part 1. this is just the beginning too, so that is also something to consider. i must admit, i intended for it to be a little confusing without explanation till at least part 1- chapter 2.

AQW

Post #: 3

1/6/2011 19:12:31

Razen
Member

Well, I will like to keep a check on this then.

I should get Part II out around in a few days, and I think you might like that.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 4

1/6/2011 19:15:23

G.I.G.A.
Member

Some grammar/spelling errors I found:

quote:

I can’t believe that I have to resort to stealing just to eat I thought to myself.

Consider adding a comma after the italics, as you would with normal dialogue. That way, it's easier to see a division between narration and thoughts. Also, you could put thoughts in single quotes 'like this.'

quote:

…he may still be a live to.

a live->alive; to->too

quote:

All I have to remember them (by) are(is) this odd pair of dagger(s) that have an orb that looks like the moon lit with black flames that has silver in them.

Some corrections in bold, the rest is just a run-on sentence; consider rephrasing it. Also, this excerpt is in present tense, which is in conflict with the overall past tense of your story.

quote:

After the day those skeletons (came/arrived) wielding weapons and shields with the brand of the shadowscythe,

Fix in bold.

quote:

I ~~had~~ swore that I would bring down Sepulcher for doing this.

Fix.

quote:

“THERE HE IS,” I heard somebody yell.

Consider changing that comma to an exclamation mark.

quote:

I back(ed) up but was(got) stuck in a corner.

Fixes in bold.

quote:

I thought it would be a good idea to go to sleep behind serenity’s inn. But the Dragonlord from earlier that night found me, picked me up, and took me to her house.

Turn the first period into a comma, and perhaps elaborate a little on how exactly that happened.

quote:

I suspected that the Dragonlord had left(,) so I got up and changed.

Fix in bold.

< Message edited by G.I.G.A. -- 1/6/2011 19:19:46 >

_____________________________

AQW

Post #: 5

1/6/2011 19:20:17

guthixnite
Member

@G.I.G.A.:Thanks! i'll fix those in a minute!

AQW

Post #: 6

1/6/2011 19:24:36

Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!

heh, I was going to help out with spelling but G.I.G.A. beat me to it Overall the story is very intriguing, it says just enough to get you hooked but leaves me eager for more! Like Shinobi I am a little confused in a few places, but I understand you intended it to be that way. I'm adding this to my favorites

AQW

Post #: 7

1/6/2011 19:31:42

guthixnite
Member

@mritha:perfect then!
@G.I.G.A. & Mritha: fixed the ones G.I.G.A. listed. if you find any more, let me know and i'll fix them

AQW

Post #: 8

1/24/2011 19:53:27

Razen
Member

My small piece of criticism is that there isn't a solid plot, it's pretty flimsy, and doesn't explain it's self well oftentimes. My Opinion.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 9

1/24/2011 19:54:48

Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!

Yay you escaped! :D And I didn't know you could turn random metal objects into the BoM, better hope you don't get put into a plastic cell next time Does this mean you will be a soulweaver in your story from now on?

AQW

Post #: 10

1/24/2011 19:56:39

G.I.G.A.
Member

I remember I've told you this before, but your writing still seems to transition too quickly. Try to slow down and use some more imagery. As it stands, it seems more like an amalgamation of random events rather than a smooth storyline.

< Message edited by G.I.G.A. -- 1/24/2011 19:57:08 >

AQW

Post #: 11

1/24/2011 19:58:24

Razen
Member

Exactly what I meant G.I.G.A..

AQW

Epic

Post #: 12

1/24/2011 20:05:03

guthixnite
Member

@all:sorry, i just wanted this one to get wrapped up quickly. as you know, RL war is coming. i promise that one will be much longer and smoother
@razen:there is no real plot at this point. part 1=small backstory+wars(i will keep that up). once part 2 starts up it will have a nice solid plot.
@mritha:anything that can be wielded by a CM can be transformed into the BoM. and yes, i will be. it will be MUCH more descriptive too. because after RL war...part 2 starts up. thats the point that part 1 becomes nothing more than a place to hold war stories for easily accessible archives. so once that happens things will take a turn for the better.
@G.I.G.A.:pretty much what i said to razen is the same. part 3 will be the story of my time as a CM. part 2 will be retelling my time in the SW academy.

AQW

Post #: 13

3/28/2011 10:32:39

Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!

As you were feeling down about the plot of your story, I took it upon myself to rewrite your first two paragraphs.

Original

quote:

I was running through the dark alleyways with them behind me. I ran with the speed of a rogue and the stealth of a ninja. As I ran not a sound could be heard. I can’t believe that I have to resort to stealing just to eat. I thought to myself. My name is Razor, and I am a rogue. I have always wanted to train as a warrior, but father had insisted I trained as a rogue. If I had trained as a warrior though…he may…he may still be alive to. I might have been able to protect Mother too. But I couldn’t save them. All I have to remember them by are is this odd pair of daggers that have an orb that looks like the moon lit with black flames that has silver in them. The day those skeletons came wielding weapons and shields with the brand of the shadowscythe, i lost my parents. I swore that I would bring down Sepulcher for taking my parents away from me that day.

“THERE HE IS!” I heard somebody yell. They were right behind me. I backed up but got stuck in a corner. I whimpered as they came closer and closer to arrest me and kill me. That’s when they struck…

Now with a little added detail, thought, and action.

quote:

I was running through the dark alleyways, trying to escape. With the speed of a rogue and stealth of a ninja not a sound could be heard as my feet lightly brushed the pavement. I can’t believe I have to resort to stealing just to eat. I thought to myself as I left over a fallen trashcan.

I am known as Razor, and though I always wanted to be a warrior my father insisted I train as a rogue. Though I often wonder…had I become a warrior would he still be alive? And what of mother? Could I have saved her too?

I shook my head to clear it; I must stay focused if I am to escape. Gripping my daggers tighter I forced myself to run even faster, the wind rushing through my hair and whilstling in my ears. These daggers were one of two things that I had left of my family. The other was a strange orb that resembled the moon and was lit with black flames edged in silver. Many years ago when the skeletons came wielding weapons and shields branded with the mark of the Shadowscythe, I lost my parents to their cruel blades and swore revenge on Sepulchure.

“THERE HE IS!” I heard someone yell. They were right behind me! I raced around a corner only to find my path blocked by a dead end. Backing into a corner I whimpered as the slowly approached to arrest, and possibly kill, me. That’s when they struck…

This is to give you an idea of how good your story can be if you take the time to add detail and descriptions to it. There is nothing wrong with the plot of your story, just use your imagination and picture the scene in your mind. Write down what you see, every color, every smell, every sound. What is happening to Razor, what is he feeling?

AQW

Post #: 14

3/29/2011 14:32:55

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

@guthixnite: After reading the "ending" I can only say one thing. "You sir, broke the story."

In the end you are an immortal dragonlord, who commands the forces of green and time combined with the techniques of soulweaving?

You're basically saying you are a demigod, who can manipulate the forces of green and time, who can cut straight into one's soul to slay sin and sorrow alike and not has to fear death. (By the way, the heart thing. Did you get that from Mritha?)

Does this immortality come with a drawback?

AQW

Post #: 15

4/11/2011 14:52:49

Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows

hmm, will be honest, not the best thing I've read. it's too... quick. I know the first part doesn't have a plot, but the jumping around makes it hard to follow.
might also want to tone the powers down, or at least have side effects/limites. Frankly, someone perfect can get boring (mary sue)
otherwise, good begining!

AQW

Epic

Post #: 16

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