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1/23/2009 0:13:05   
sdeaf
Member

Um, so I just lately found out that this is the thing to do. So I'm doing it. This is a comment thread for a story I wrote called "The Dark Forest" (Obviously, right?) Other chapters will follow, for which this will be my comment thing as well. Comment if you like. I always could use some critical/casual remarks. Thanks in advance if you do. also, if you click a link and it takes you to the top of the story, just give it a second, it'll send you where you want to go, it's just loading alot of words and watnot.

The Hunter's Spear <-----Here's the link to the first chapter of my story.
Virgin's Blood Chapter 2
Branching Roads Chapter 3
Escalations Chapter 4
Evil is A Matter of Perspective Chapter 5
Repercussions Chapter 6
The First Aftermath Chapter 7
Blood For Blood Chapter 8
A History of Blood Chapter 9
As Sheep To Slaughter Chapter 10
Uncivilised Chapter 11
Intrigue Chapter 12
Dragon Hunting Chapter 13
Scum Chapter 14
The Lich King Chapter 15
Alone Chapter 16
The Second Aftermath 17
Redemption 18
The Council of War 19
Reunions 20
Afterthought 21
Of Honor, Deciet, and Death 22
Climax of Betrayal 23
Assassin 24
Superior Being 25
A Deep Breath 26
The Beginning Of 27
The End 28
It's finally finished.


< Message edited by sdeaf -- 8/23/2011 6:18:26 >
AQ  Post #: 1
5/12/2009 1:00:29   
Crimzon5
Member

quote:

So, in cosing The Hunter's Spear Comment Thread click it and telleth me what you think, no matter what you think. Also, when I put up the second chapter, it will be here:


I wouldn't put author's note in between chapters. I'd usually put them on the first post before the main story begins. ANyways...

quote:

“We don’t need to fight this fool, Krystal can just take him out right here and now. Krystal, deal with this blood-sucking freak. Shoot him now!”

Punctuation error. A period, exclamation point, or a semi-colon will do

Now, I've noticed you've got long paragraphs. Seperating them wont just make them easier to read, but it allows the reader to see a clearer focus. At one point of of the paragraph, it describes a character checking his sister out. Then the next describes the detail of her bites and how it happened. I would suggest putting a seperation between those two ideas.

quote:

AND THEN EVERYBODY DIED, ALL OF THE SUDDEN BY A GIANT ROCK. THE END… UNTIL NEXT TIME READERS!!!!!!!!!!! (Pay no attention to this)



quote:

‘Well, if he can fight through something like that, then I most certainly can.’

Why are the quotation marks (" ") only ' '

quote:

“How, how’d you do that?” John could not keep the amezment out of his voice.

1) wrong speling for the bolded word
2) I'll change the 'How, how'd' into "H-how'd..."

But heh, nice effort you put into writing this :) So much to read... but yeah, the paragraph seperation could help.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 2
5/12/2009 15:14:43   
sdeaf
Member

Thanks, I totally agree with those thing, and trust me, I've been working on paragraph separation. You should have seen them Before I cut them in half. I'll continue to work on that though. Thanks again for the comment, it means bunches.
Oh yea, and the single quotation marks are how I show thought, sorry I didn't clarify that...

< Message edited by sdeaf -- 5/14/2009 1:35:14 >
AQ  Post #: 3
5/12/2009 20:07:37   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Psst, just a tip, I suggest (though you don't have to) that you include a link to your thread in Narrative and Prose on the first post of this comments thread. This is helpful because:

1. It makes it easier for people to access the story (or, as Fabula puts it, lazy people like to click links).
2. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. The difference is that Rome has fallen and L&L has not so this is even more a priority here than in Rome. =P
AQ  Post #: 4
5/12/2009 20:16:49   
ringulreith
Member

Hey there sdeaf! Glad to see you've moved your story over here to L&L! So, now that you're getting better help, do you still need that critique on chapter 10?
Post #: 5
5/12/2009 21:26:35   
sdeaf
Member

Yea, totally. I reread it, and I found alot of weird spelling and grammar mistakes, but I'm sure I didn't get nearly all of them. You've always given me good critiques, so whatever you feel like telling me I'll work on. Don't feel like you need to work too hard on it, but any help you could give would be appreciated.
AQ  Post #: 6
5/14/2009 1:32:56   
sdeaf
Member

Thanks to Firefly's awesome-dog advice, I've figured out that it would be best to have all of my chapters represented here. So I've updated, second chapter of my story is here Virgin's Blood
AQ  Post #: 7
5/18/2009 15:12:18   
sdeaf
Member

Alright, whoever is reading this, I've successfully completed my thrid chapter, and it can be viewed here Branching Roads
AQ  Post #: 8
6/2/2009 15:47:47   
sdeaf
Member

Awright, even though nobody found anything wrong with my latest chapters (or they just didn't care) I've got chapter 4 right here. Escalation so I hope you enjoy it. Also, I may have something fun for those who have been reading my story since before this sometimes soon.
AQ  Post #: 9
6/2/2009 17:23:03   
sdeaf
Member

As I say in it, constantly editing old work can get boring, so here's a bit of my new work. I'd advise only reading this if you've read my first 11 chapters, or else it'll be confusing and probably not interesting. If you have read them, and are probably bored or re-reading my old work, then here, have something new. Chapter 12, Intrigue.
AQ  Post #: 10
6/15/2009 14:13:40   
sdeaf
Member

Alright, I know that like no one has even replied to the last five chapters, but hope springs eternal ^^. And I'm honestly just here to get help and to maybe let someone enjoy my work.So even if no one replies, if someone actually reads these and enjoys them, then I guess I'm fine with it. Anywho, here's my fifth chapter remastered. Evil is a Matter of Perspective. I hope you like it, I enjoyed writing it.
AQ  Post #: 11
6/22/2009 14:18:44   
sdeaf
Member

Yes, yes, nobody cares, but here's chapter 13, because I enjoy writing. Dragon Hunting. I hope you enjoy it.
AQ  Post #: 12
6/29/2009 13:30:08   
sdeaf
Member

Chapter six is out, I fixed it up and smoothed it out, so here it is. Repercussions. Hope you like it.
AQ  Post #: 13
6/29/2009 16:39:03   
Gianna Glow
Member

question on the Dragonhunt chapter...

quote:

I am completely capable of bringing myself to the lair, Deathfang.”

Bryce spun around to see the dragon raise itself from the ground. It looked different than it had moments before, and Bryce noticed splotches of brown amongst its red scales. The splotches slowly spread, and Bryce saw that it was fur. The dragon’s scales fell to the ground as more fur grew from under it, and eventually the dragon was completely covered with brown, and its eyes were slowly but completely overtaken by black. What eventually stood before Bryce was a strange mixture of werewolf and dragon, and it was somehow even larger and stronger than it had been before.

Bryce stared at the large were-dragon in front of him with awe.

“Yes,” it chuckled at his surprise. “I’m rather surprised at this change within myself as well, but it is welcome. I feel stronger than ever, and I cannot help but feel invincible. As thanks for showing me this new existence, please allow me to fly you back to the lair.”

Bryce smiled back at the were-dragon. So many strange things had been happening that he could only cope by smiling. “Sure, thanks, you minotaurs are going to have catch up later now that you know where it is. Well, let’s go… What’s your name anyway?”

The dragon knelt down to let Bryce board it. “My name is Nightwing, and what if yours?”

“Bryce.” He did not know why he did, but Bryce just felt like telling someone his real name.

“Strange name for a werewolf. Well, Bryce, I think that we will be good friends.”
As soon as Bryce settled into the niche on Nightwing’s neck, the dragon leapt into the air and beat its leathery wings, propelling both of them into the air faster than Bryce had ever imagined to be possible. He felt elation. He would soon be back in the werewolf lair, the first werewolf to capture a werewolf, and he would be able to see Serenade again.


Basically, the dragon-werewolf addresses Bryce as 'Deathfang', then introduces himself and asks for the name... it seems kinda odd.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 14
6/30/2009 0:23:06   
sdeaf
Member

First of all... Booya' somebody actually posted something here (Does happy dance). Second of all... Yea, you're right... I need to change that at some point. Thanks, it'll be changed posthaste. Thanks for commenting. Did you like it?
AQ  Post #: 15
7/5/2009 19:15:56   
sdeaf
Member

Hah, someone has replied, vindicating all of this. Chapter fourteen has been completed, and is here Scum. Check it out if you want.
AQ  Post #: 16
7/6/2009 15:34:55   
Gianna Glow
Member

As usual, sdeaf, its amazing. unfortuately i dont have time for a in-depth to look for problems, but i loved reading it. Please continue writing! just amazing.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 17
7/8/2009 18:42:10   
sdeaf
Member

I'm so glad you liked it ^^.
AQ  Post #: 18
7/21/2009 7:33:20   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

I read the first chapter, The Hunter's Spear two days ago, but couldn't take the time required to type the comments then. I hope you won't feel that your story will be totally butchered by me, as I do have a lot to comment about. Remember that these are just my personal views on what I read and what I noted; other readers will have different opinions and as always, it's /your/ story, so please don't feel obliged to change anything.

OK, there were a lot of good ingredients in the first chapter. Some characters stood out, namely John, the Drakel, and the vampire. I see John as a strange yet intriguing mixture of good (cares for his sister), bad (enjoys to kill), and ugly (brutal methods for earning his living) The Drakel was my favourite. Even after frequenting these AE forums and games a while now, drakels still have that flavor of uniqueness amidst all elves, human rogues, and other types of creatures that are more common in the fantasy genre. As a plus, your Drakel stands out as really brave, intelligent, and has a past I'd love to learn more about. The vampire also rose out as a believable character towards the end of the chapter.

There're a lot twists in the fight. Imo, some of this is for good, but I still couldn't help wondering if this is too much. Now, I have to tell you that I'm not a big fan of action, so long sequences of fighting have the tendency of putting me in a critical mood. While action-lovers surely appreciate the twists, I just wonder, do you really need all those fighters going down in separate turns, John running to his sister and back, then more fighting, the stop, resume of fighting, etc? Does anyone else besides John's sister carry a bow? Could the Drakel try to take the vampire down with a dagger when the first men to go are still alive and engaging him?

The good part of this comes in the end as (and I have to put this in spoiler tags)
spoiler:


The cliche is avoided! The fight reminds me clearly of those many Hollywood-style movie fights where the adversary takes down the hero's (or anti-hero's) fighters one by one until they end up in a duel where the hero finally wins. I like how even after all his tricks and treacheries, John still loses. Brutally.

So, kudos for that thingy in the spoiler!


Now I have to speak for my favourite character, the Drakel. You describe him as such and interesting and intelligent being that I'm slightly troubled by him getting referred to with 'it' I understand that this is John's POV so I'm not going to press this issue, I just wanted to mention it before I move on to this one specific sentence:
quote:

“Where do you keep all of thessse weaponsss?” It asked the vampire. Since Drakels were not built to speak our language John noticed that they always had a bit of a lisssp.

If the 'lisssp' were in a direct quote of John's I wouldn't have anything against this because it would just show John's personal stance. However, as this comes from the narrator, even if in John's POV, it really pushes the Drakel down and makes fun of it, imo. This is further emphasized with the words 'our language.' I feel this is contradictory to the character you've described the Drakel to be, intelligent, skillful, someone to be respected at least as a fighter. So I don't think this is the best spot for the narrator ---nor John -- to make fun of him.

Imho, this comment could fit in the start, as a thought from John. The Drakel could whisper something, and then John could /think/ about the Drakel always talking with a 'lisssp.' This would also give further insight as to why John and the narration in John's POV refer to the Drakel with 'it'.

(There's a typo as well in the quote. 'It' should be uncapitalized as it comes after a quote: '“Where do you keep all of thessse weaponsss?” it asked the vampire.')

And as I now turned intrusive enough =P to make suggestions to you, I thought I could mention something about timing certain events in the story. I really have to applaud the work you've put in describing all the weapons, fighting moves, and the characters' pasts. In my opinion, you could maybe double check the places where you disclose any info in the middle of action or in the waiting of action to begin so that it won't disrupt the story and feel like info-dumping. For example, here:
quote:

As they circled for a bit more, the Drakel studied the vampire’s sword. It was made from a very strange metal, one that was either black or a very dark shade of gray. There were runes etched into the sides of it that were of a language the Drakel could not understand. This was saying something, Drakels are known for the pride they take in knowing every living language and many dead ones, and he had been lauded for his linguistic capabilities in his home city before he had been exiled. It was a sword of normal shape and looked like it could be used with two hands, but the vampire was only using one. The hand guard was made of the same material as the sword but was, surprisingly, not ornate. There was just enough in it to provide full protection, but that was all. The handle also seemed able to be used comfortably with either one or two hands.

Imo, it would be better to refer to the Drakel's exile in the beginning of the chapter were the character's are introduced. It's an extremely interesting bit of info, and most definitely adds to the character so I would personally hate to see it removed, but placed here it, imo, really distracts the reader's focus from the fight. Also, the insight on Drakels' knowledge on languages seems a bit too much of an explanation, a little off from the fight as well.


Style-wise, I think you could very your verbs a little more. You tend to use 'to be' in the past tense a lot, and it does get somewhat repetitive after a while. For example, in the very first two paragraphs:
quote:

John crouched behind a large tree and watched a figure walk down the road towards him. He smiled in anticipation as he thought of performing another robbery and possibly even getting to kill again. This was what he lived for, the thrill of the fight, the sensations of victory, and most of all the satisfaction that came with pocketing his quarry’s gold. That last part was the best, and was also the only reason he did what he did. The thrills and all that were good, but they just could not compare to watching those pieces of gold and silver slide their way into his pouch. And besides, the thrill had diminished since he had formed a gang to make sure that he would not get in harm’s way unless it was absolutely necessary. Not that he was a pushover, far from it. He had yet to meet a man that could beat him in fight, but it did help to have five or six men with you when you want to do the really complicated heists. Granted, this did take a bit away from the final amount of loot he got, but it was usually worth it.

He looked around and surveyed his gang. They were scattered in various positions around the road, and the only reason he could see them now was because he had placed each of them himself. He had seven people altogether: six were humans and one was a Drakel, (a lizard-like humanoid that was exceptionally intelligent.) Of his men, four of them were at least passable with blades and two, the Drakel and a human named Bill, were quite proficient with them. The only one who was almost no good with any kind of bladed weapon besides a knife was also the only woman present: John’s sister, Krystal. No one cared about her weakness, though, because she was a better shot with a bow than anyone else any of them had even seen. Krystal was and always had been John’s back up, and she had saved his life too many times for him to count. None of the others in the gang really trusted her because if she did not like you she would shoot you in the back in the middle of the fight, but John knew that she would always be there for him in the difficult situations. They had always helped each other and watched each other’s backs, ever since their father and mother had been killed by orcs so long ago…

I may have become over-sensitized to the verb 'to be' ever since I posted my first chapter in the WA and Coyote (Versy back then) illustrated me how that verb is one of the weakest in the English language and not really descriptive (or should I say illustrative) at all. So, I would suggest you to go through your text and try to see if there are any spots where another, stronger verb would naturally fit in place of the 'was'es and 'were's.

Examples/suggestions:
quote:

That last part was the best, and was also the only reason he did what he did. The thrills and all that were good, but they just could not compare to watching those pieces of gold and silver slide their way into his pouch.

->
'He enjoyed the last part the most; it was the only reason he did what he did. In comparison to watching those pieces of gold and silver slide their way into his pouch, the thrills and all that counted for nothing.'

quote:

Not that he was a pushover, far from it.

->
'Not that he would call himself a pushover, far from it.'

quote:

They were scattered in various positions around the road, and the only reason he could see them now was because he had placed each of them himself.

->
'Scattered in various positions around the road, they waited, invisible to all except to him, the very person who had placed each of them.'
(Erm, not the best suggestion around, as this is extremely choppy with all the commas, but maybe it'll give you the idea I'm going for...or at least an idea of how /not/ to edit them. =P)

quote:

The only one who was almost no good with any kind of bladed weapon besides a knife was also the only woman present: John’s sister, Krystal.

->
'The only one with no skill with bladed weapons besides a knife was also the only woman of the group: John's sister, Krystal.' (Takes out one of the instances of 'was' -- a less wordy version.)

I typed these trying to give you some ideas and examples of alternative ways to write essentially the same thing.

Ooops...this turned out quite a long critique. I hope you are not offended or discouraged by this as it is not my intention. You have such a wonderful set of ideas and details presented here that I do hope you won't restrain your imagination. Don't let the words you are accustomed to use right now restrain you either.
DF  Post #: 19
7/22/2009 3:29:59   
sdeaf
Member

Hmmm, Thanks very much for commenting on the chapter, I'm glad that you liked it. I just now got the "Spoiler" thing, and thanks, it does my heart good to know that my story is enjoyed. Yea, I have a problem with changing around the "narrator." See, when one writes a story, unless one is going from like a "I'm merely writing this as a translator for [main character], who has no writing skill" so making the writer the narrator and a character in the story, the narrator is generally the person from whose viewpoint the story is told. So since this one is told from the viewpoint of John, the narrating parts are generally his. That way, it becomes acceptable to have contractions inside blocks of writing where it would usually be unacceptable. So, when it said that Darakels have a lisssp, it was from the viewpoint of John.

Now, I will admit to putting in there because I needed a cheap laugh, but in my defence it was John, not me. Now, on to my problem. I switch whose veiwpoint the story is going from alot, and without saying so very well (I get better later, I put spaces between veiwpoint changes), so it gets confusing having to follow who the veiwpoint is following.

Now, the "Was," I know it's a problem, but it just makes writing flow much better. I'm not quite good enough to get rid of every "state of being" verb in the story, and I have no knack for figuring out which ones should be changed.

About the info-dumping (Oh, and I'm not trying to defend myself here, I'm just trying to explain things), see, another problem with veiwpoint change. At that moment it was from the drakel's veiwpoint, and he was thinking about his past for a moment. Now, it would have made more sense to have It think about It's past than put it in the "Narrator" section, but I'm too lazy to make the Drakel have his own internal monologue.

Oh, and He's called an It to make it less confusing when the fight goes on, you know like "Then he stabbed him, but he dodged and attacked him back before he dropped to the ground and gutted him" is more confusing than "Then he stabbed It, but It dodged and attacked him back before he dropped to the ground and gutted It." I do that alot later on, but I do change it to "Him" or "Her" if the character who's veiwpoint is narrating knows the gender of the other persona.

Uh...Did you say anything else... Oh! The fighting. Yea, I guess the drakel could have tried that... I wonder why he didn't think to... Well, I enjoy writing fight scenes, so I write them drawn out. I do cheap-shot some people out of existence, but I try to never do the "Man boasting that he's the best thing since sliced bread and then getting beaten down in the middle of boasting by main character" thing... Granted, this does mean drawn-out fights, but I only have those every like...3 chapters?

Basically, I agree with everything you said, and I'll try to work on that in the future. thanks for the comment, it's a bright spot in my day, and I hope you keep reading and commenting. Wow I talked alot, I hope you're not bored by now by my endless ramblings and desparately erected defensive barriars against logic.
AQ  Post #: 20
7/22/2009 4:42:43   
sdeaf
Member

Alright! I've hit a temporary high of two peaople commenting between two posts, and since I'm so happy, I've decided to edit chapter 7 and post it. Here it is The First Aftermath.
AQ  Post #: 21
7/22/2009 7:00:18   
deathwalker05
Member

Good story, nice if u could make one list of all the chapters' links...so u dont have to go through chaoter by chapter....preferably in the first post of the thread.
AQ  Post #: 22
7/23/2009 4:25:26   
sdeaf
Member

Thanks for enjoying the story. Alright, that totally makes sense, so one time when I'm not feeling lazy I'll put that up there. Again, thanks for commenting, it does my heart good.
AQ  Post #: 23
7/27/2009 18:41:49   
Anvos
Member

Just so you know I've still been reading your story and like it so far. Oh and are your revisions enough to require rereading the previous chapters to fully understand the story.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 24
7/28/2009 0:10:51   
sdeaf
Member

Oh, it's awesome that you're still reading. I feel so happy now. Nah, it's basically grammar and spelling and some continuity problems that I revise. The only reason I'm doing it is for new readers and because my old thread got deleted so they won't understand anything. I'd really like to finish the revisions soon... But I'm also really lazy, so that's how it is ;).
AQ  Post #: 25
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