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NaNoWriMo 2011 - Putting Barbie to Bed

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11/1/2011 23:00:57   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Comments? Criticisms? Be my guest!

NaNoWriMo 2011 - Putting Barbie to Bed
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Word count:
1Nov11 - 2489
2Nov11 - 3585
4Nov11 - 4049

< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 11/29/2011 18:19:29 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
11/3/2011 1:03:06   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Chapter 2

Not as much as I wanted to put in, but I think I am lucky I got this much done. The chapter is only half written, so the second half is due up tomorrow.

Hope you enjoy it.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
11/3/2011 8:45:31   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

As I said in the OOC NaNo thread, this - or at least the very first chapter - was very well done. Aside for some turns of phrase I was sure 6th-graders wouldn't use (Pretty sure 6th graders' voice don't come off as sophisticated and formal as this. I have a sister of that age - I know ), you did a good job in putting down the personality of a bratty tweenage kid.

My only, very slight, qualm starts arriving at the second chapter. Maybe it's just my being brought up and growing up as an asexual nationalistic idealist nerd, but I was slightly creeped out at the whole tampon and kissing business. The fact that the girl in question was 12 didn't help. I do realize I could be entirely missing the point of the work here, but still.

Then again, you're a teacher, right? Maybe that is the way girls that age are really like. I honestly have no idea.

Either way, good work with meeting the deadline thus far, and good luck!
DF  Post #: 3
11/3/2011 16:35:32   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Oh, trust me, these are the kinds of conversations moms have with their daughters. I am trying to be a realistic as possible with this story. I do intend, after this book is done, to go through several months of intensive editing so that I can submit the novel to a juvenile fiction publisher.

And, considering I was once that age, I remember how all this goes. And, I am a children's leader in my church who teaches ages 11-16, and I get to hear their horror stories regarding their parents "talk". So, first hand experience plus my desire to be as real as possible will equal some discomfort for the male population. My apologies before hand. :P
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
11/3/2011 16:55:28   
Sorceress555
Member

No offense, but...you plan to PUBLISH this?! You want kids my age reading stories about TAMPONS? Maybe you need to think that over a bit before you release your novel to the public. Aside from that, not bad--and you actually seem to be making progress, which is better than I can do.
AQW  Post #: 5
11/5/2011 0:40:27   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 You have your opinions, which you are entitled to. But in the future, I would appreciate a bit more courtesy. The tone in your post was a far cry from that.

And, I have showed this to teenagers between the age of 12-18. It was a hit. They laughed really hard. They thought it as realistic, something they could relate to and extremely funny.




Anyway, added a small amount more. Between family, teaching and other projects, I am behind. But that it fine I will catch up.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
11/7/2011 9:23:34   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Great addition, as always. Here I am still assuming that the brattiness of pretty much the whole 12-year-old cast is intentional, yes?

I'd just want to make this one very small comment:

quote:

Micah's sisters run to the door screaming about ponies. The six of us make mock gagging noises, causing them to stick their tongues out at us. Endless entertainment. The drive is going to be so much fun.


Urge... to... post... "Mods are asleep - Post Ponies" image... macro... rising...
DF  Post #: 7
11/29/2011 18:19:11   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 OK, I am obviously not going to make the deadline, but after being sick for two weeks and have all my duties as mom, wife, homemake, substitute teacher, homeschool teacher... forum moderator... pile on me, I finally was able to type up stuff I had been planning on paper. There is more, but I must attend my family now.

Chapter 3
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
12/29/2011 1:05:50   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!
quote:

I smile at Casssandra.

One too many there.
quote:

I smile as I slid the money into the slot at the bottom of the glass divider.

Bit of a mixture of tense in that one.
quote:

Micah whispers. "He's locked someone where dark."

"somewhere", perhaps?
quote:

which can only mean that either the electricity is out of turning on big lights

"or" ?
quote:

Was there a nuclear accidents here,

quote:

If I knew there was a nuclear spill near town, I wouldn't want to live here.

Just to clarify, is she talking about her current town, or a hypothetical one? If the latter, "there" may fit better.

quote:

I go for more popcorn and ended up grabbing his hand instead.

Reading this reminded me of the one trip I made to the movies with mates, except there was one box of popcorn between four people. The recovery move to such awkward moments was to pull their hand out of the box and growl, "MYYYYY POPCORN!", "NOOO! YOU CANNOT HAZ!", "YOU. SHALL. NOT. EAT!", or something along those lines, and act as if it was the intention all along.

I think I see where this is going, and it's an interesting way to broach the subject. O_o "This is why you should /never/ listen to your parents, kids!"
Post #: 9
12/30/2011 18:06:34   
ChainSword
Member

I had no idea what NaNoWriMo meant when I started reading this, and hour or two later, while reading archives of certain webcomic, I COINCIDENTALLY found that out from one strip, without any intention to look the meaning up. Pretty neat trick fate played on me.

About the story so far... It didn't left me anything bad to say about it. I completely bought the idea of protagonist -11 year old girl- telling it in first person. How she sees her surroundings, what she thinks and how she acts around her mother, brothers, friends, and not to mention her frustrated attitude towards lots of little things ("Ugh, she just doesn't understand!" "Why can't they take my priorities to account?" "Everyone's mom is cooler than mine!" "Why does it take so long to turn, pick up a tub, scoop some popcorn and deliver?")... I completely believe your "average" 11-year old girl would have such mindscape.

As 20-year old guy who has one younger and one older brother, I have both LIVED and OBSERVED how little boys behave around their parents and siblings, and I bought Max's and Rory's behaviour. I vaguely recall similar stuff happening to me and my bros.
So, I've made my point, setting and characters are realistic. Moving on...

...Well, I'm different kind of writer than you, that seems clear to me. Normally I wouldn't judge your writing-style after reading only 3 chapters of all your work, but if you're really planning of making full novel of this story, that kinda implies to me that you like writing in 1st person.
One major difference between 1st and 3rd person stories are, that it's easier to move faster in story and describe situations in 1st person (Pretty much every scene in your story demonstrates that), while it's easier to progress slower and describe surroundings in 3rd. My writing style is more based around advancing story slowly, describing surrounding scenes, situation, and reasons to characters' choises (which you know if you've read my story. Shame on me for shameless self-promoting). That, and I rather tell somebody's story than "pretend" I'm telling my own story as it goes.
...Basically, I just don't like 1st person-stories as much as 3rd person. I suppose you realized I'm not badmouthing your story...

To summarise, like I said in the beginning, the story left me nothing bad to say. I chuckled to pony-reference (that kind of obscure, yet widely known real-life jokes/trends referenced in stories lighten the mood. Professional move, Milady.), and about car-scene...
quote:

No offense, but...you plan to PUBLISH this?! You want kids my age reading stories about TAMPONS? Maybe you need to think that over a bit before you release your novel to the public.
I personally had little to no problem with that, as I assume it is realistic to mother and 11-13 old daughter to have those conversations about dating and "monthly gifts", but I can see why people could get, if not pissed off, at least embarrased to read about it, since it's not something you commonly find in book directed for children and teenagers. Perhaps it's in American culture to dislike awkward conversations, or perhaps it's just me. Or something else.

So, the writing style isn't my favourite, but I get the feeling you're professional writer, or know how to write professionally. I probably can bother myself to continue reading this story, if you can bother yourself to keep writing it.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 10
1/3/2012 22:33:47   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 @Chainsword
quote:

that kinda implies to me that you like writing in 1st person.


I actually HATE writing in the first person. This is the first time I have tried it, because I have always had trouble with it. If you look at anything else I have on the forums, you will see that I write in the third person. I prefer the third person, where the emphasis on the progression of the story, the development of characters, the detail in what is going on. It is my favourite. But, I took on this challenge, as a way to try and explore and improve the first person writing technique.

quote:

So, the writing style isn't my favourite, but I get the feeling you're professional writer, or know how to write professionally. I probably can bother myself to continue reading this story, if you can bother yourself to keep writing it.
I bow, eternally grateful, for such a high compliment. This made my day. I intend to publish one day, but for now, I teach writing to 13-18 year olds and man the forum that I love so dearly.

I do intend to continue. I have the next part mapped out on paper, I just need to transfer it to the computer. Hopefully, I will get it done this week. I also have a promise to fulfill regarding another book, Dionysus' Challenge, to BlackAces. But, I am working on it.


And Demolition, I will see to those as soon as I can. As I told Superjars, I am trying to get out as much as I can, then heavy editing later. But, since you took the time, I will see to it.

AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
1/3/2012 23:37:23   
delta blitz
Member

@Eukara Vox: Nice story you have here as a story writer who uses real life based situations myself, I find this story to be on point and very informative. Though I have one question, do you or the AKs read through stories and delete them is they are to morbid or mature? Just asking to be sure.

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 1/3/2012 23:39:06 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
1/4/2012 21:38:14   
Nightly
Member

After stumbling upon this due to it being the last posted thing for L&L, I'm enjoying it :) Unfortunately, at the time of me writing this you're away from IRC or else I would talk to you there.

Anyways! Quoting the whole paragraph just for context:

quote:

I watch as he frets over her, much like hens do over the wayward chick. It is slightly embarrassing to watch, to be honest. I just wish I was okay. Ken needs to grow a spine. What guy let's his girl go off to fight a war without him anyway? Personally, I think he just doesn't want her to have any fun.


Not quite sure what's going on her. So Ken is checking on Barbie and whatnot. What does the bolded sentence mean? Is she wishing she wasn't embarrassed about their exchange? I'm just confused is all :D (Apparently bolded isn't liked by Chrome's word checker. Who knew?)

quote:

My mom lets go of the wheel brief, throwing her hands up in the air. "Now you are over-reacting!"


Should this be briefly? (Most of my comments will be questions. Bit rusty on the whole critiquing business.)

quote:

The handwriting is bad, but I can read it. I mean, it helps that I have horrible handwriting too. But that is a story for another time. I take a major chance writing this down as it is, but someone needs to know what happened. Most likely, something will come of this letter, be it monster, disease, rage or disaster. But, if I can get one person to see the truth and not make our mistake, then I have taken a worthy chance.

I nestle down into my big, cushiony movie chair and grin. I grab some popcorn before Micah can and munch happily. The writing fades and the words "Six months earlier" appears, a small, quiet neighbourhood coming into focus. Hmmm, I was hoping this would take place in a city like Chicago or Los Angeles. You know, big buildings, massive destruction, millions of people screaming in the streets. Oh, and explosions. Those are a must. I am at a loss as to how such magnificent explosions could happen in a small town.


Clarification time again please! In the second paragraph you mention that the writing fades. Was that the lines, "I take a major chance writing this down as it is, but someone needs to know what happened. Most likely, something will come of this letter, be it monster, disease, rage or disaster. But, if I can get one person to see the truth and not make our mistake, then I have taken a worthy chance. " or was it not mentioned? And if so, I spy foreshadowing?! :D



Well I just finished reading! It's definitely got my attention! If this was a book in my library I would certainly consider checking it out. The tone of the author, although refined, does carry across the mood of a pre-teen so you can feel good about that. Although my fellow commentors have already hit upon that :D

While chapter two does make me a bit queasy, for the obvious reason that I'm a guy, I did enjoy it. The author's reactions and responses to her mom's prompting was superb. You must be quoting one of the children that you help at church. The story is to tangible for it to not be.

You can bet that I'll be back for more!
Post #: 13
1/8/2012 23:10:35   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Chapter 3 is completed. On to Chapter 4.

Now that that is done, I will look at, and address, comments.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
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