RE: Gwoon's House of Rhyme Worship NEW:16 non-conventional haiku's


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7/16/2008 14:59:14

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Thanks Arthur. Glad you liked 'em.

In spite of my other commitments I went noughty-style and wrote me a new poem anyway. Hope those I commited my devotion to are not too mad. And I hope you like it. As always, Enjoy!

Ponderings of a saturated soul

EDIT: Page claimed in the name of...
*thinks*
in the name of the glorious season that is Summer!

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/16/2008 15:00:02 >

AQ	Post #: 26

7/16/2008 17:10:07

Arthur The Brave One
Member

my comment in a nutshell:

Theme: weirdish, but fun. I guess. To quote you, I actually "need to think about what I though about that" ;)
Flow: IMMHO... I'd say it's... (as to not defile your page and my post with noobspeech:) ultimately terrrific!
Liking: imagine the highest number you could possibly come up with. Multiply it by ten. Add 3. Multiply by 9. Add one. That'd be pretty much near about how much I liked it! :)

Great work, keep those poems coming!

(And indeed, the summer is a most glorious, wonderful, absolutely no school-y season)

[/lazy comment]

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 8/23/2008 5:34:37 >

Post #: 27

7/17/2008 11:04:47

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Well, even though you needed to think about it, you seem quite pleased with the poem anyway:p

Although, when you say terrific, do you mean:
# Frighteningly good; astounding or awesome;
or:
#terrifying; causing terror; frightful or very unpleasant
?
(Don't answer that. I know. I'm joking.)

Well, couple of things:

1: You know you are allowed to highlight some negative aspects of my work every now and then, right? In fact, I encourage it!

2: Tatatadam, tatatadam.
Wrong song? Oh, whatever.
You, ATBO, have just been elected to be the president of my two-man-strong fanbase, by yours truly.
Your obligations:
1-You must like my poems.
2-You must tell me they are great.
1-You must create fan-meetings and book-signing-gatherings when requested (and when there are books to sign).
2-You must keep my flock of fans in calmth when there are new releases.
3-You must body-guard me in the unlikely event of an attempted attack on my person.

Your privileges:
You get to read my poems!

Anyway:
I have some writing that needs done now, and some critique too, but the poems will persist-fret not.

AQ	Post #: 28

7/17/2008 12:04:11

Fleur Du Mal
Member

I'm going to dissect that poem up in little pieces now...(you ask, I deliver....) =P

Good title, especially the word-pair 'saturated soul' rolls out quite exquisitely, imho.
The start also works for me finely:

quote:

There will always be
Necessary evils
Unexpected heroes
Internal struggles
Emotion overkills

Can there ever be
Nothing?

Yours truly favourite line bolded =P
You're describing life. It's fun to think that life always has these 'kills' in it...

Now, after this, the poem gets a bit distracted and perhaps diluted.
First, here:

quote:

There will always be
Rain that keeps on pouring
Winds to blow us astray
Snow to blind our way
I long for the boring

The last line jumps up too much, imho, it doesn't fit here written like this. I creates a full stop. Have you thought any other way to formulate that?

This part

quote:

There will never be
Lack of activity
An easy path in life
Eternal is strife
Where it leads we cannot see

in its turn, is very choppy, imho. Now, I see that you you've ended the poem with this line:

quote:

Embrace the eternal chaos that is life

So, partly, this justifies the poem's transformation to more chaotic form as it nears the end -- no idea, if you did that intentionally, though =P -- but then again, I don't feel like you've polished/refined this effect enough yet. Have you considered making that above part less choppy and more flowing, and releasing the chaos only just before the end?

The poem gives some thought to the ponderer who wants to think over the suggested difference between the calm nothingness and the chaotic life, so that's a plus. However, as you've already understood by now, I'm not quite accepting the chaos the way you offer it to me here. Sorry for that =P

Anyways, here's some proof that I did ponder over the nothingness in particular. I actually dug up what certain Miyamoto Musashi wrote about it in the Book of Five Rings/ Book of the Void (year 1645):

"What is called the spirit of the void is where there is nothing. It is not included in man's knowledge. Of course the void is nothingness. By knowing things that exist, you can know that which does not exist. That is the void.

People in this world look at things mistakenly, and think that what they do not understand must be the void. This is not the true void. It is bewilderment.
...
In the void is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom has existence, principle has existence, the Way has existence, spirit is nothingness."

You need to work harder to convert me from this way of thought upon the nothingness. [/teasing]

PS. Was this enough?

DF	Post #: 29

7/17/2008 13:25:35

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I know. Wasn't the hourglass just the most amazing thing ever? Totally!
Anyway...

It was certaily enough, milady. Thank you very much.

As none of this is 'quick fix'-material, I will take some time, some tea, some insense, some sleep, and rewrite it. I'll give you a heads up at that moment.

For now, just accept that I've written a crappy poem, kay?

AQ	Post #: 30

8/8/2008 21:29:14

Lux
Member

Opacus, critiquing as per request in Workshop-Want a Critique with that rating?

quote:

The pen

The pen was created
With a purpose
It doesn't know
Good. I like how you use your repetition throughout.

A tool used by the skillful
For good and evil
It doesn't even know

Mightier then the sword
If not misguided or only stored
It doesn't realize it's potential
Unless guided by the word
*Very* strong stanza. I like it.

My pen, it has awaited
Some great purpose
It'll never know

This tool is willful
Ignorant like the pencil
And it doesn't even know

For the desperate, creative and bored
This pen is truly like a sword
It makes me realize my potential
My pen is truly like a sword
An excellent poem. Your style's good, this poem's rating: 9.5 out of 10. I see no errors...

Remorse no more

I wonder the streets
I express my remorse
Yet my hand no longer meets
Yours

I run through the street
Remorse is now remote
My paw vainly tries to meet
Your throat

I kick in your door
Remorse is a rocky road
My hairy paws grab once more
Slice your throat

I cry and I sing
Remorse returns, heart’s sore
As yours slowly stops beating
Werewolf no more
Ah....a touching work. Symbolism with fantasy makes for a good combination. I see no errors. My rating: 9.5 out of 10.

The hourglass

Turned around with a dazzling move
Upside down by some cruel fate
The falling sand the only proof
Of passing time, washing love and hate
Deep beneath the grains

Gravity takes millions to grave
You’re slipping through my fingers
Oh gravity, is not one safe?
Time flows, it never lingers
It doesn’t leave stains

Relentlessly drops keep falling
Even memories don’t last
Endlessly I can keep calling
It will always go too fast
Only dust remains

Finally it seems it’s ceasing
The bottom half almost full
Is its power decreasing?
Again you push, and you pull
Ev’rything will change

Can’t you offer some peace of mind?
I’ll die of eventfulness
Then again, you are so kind…
It bothers me less and less
I embrace the grains
I *love* poems about time. This is a great poem anyway, but the way you put it together is excellent. It's powerful; I see no errors. 10 out of 10!

Overall rating: averaged to about 9.5 out of 10. It's excellent, and I'll be sure to read the rest.

< Message edited by Opacus -- 8/8/2008 21:56:08 >

AQW

Post #: 31

8/9/2008 4:37:28

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Thanks a lot for reading them and, appearantly, loving them.

Any kind of downer anywhere at all, though?
See, it's great to hear people loving my work, but even greater to be able to improve on my work.

Anyway, thanks a lot.
For personal reasons I've been hindered from writing more lately, but as soon as I get back into it, y'all'll know. I'm working hard on it.

AQ	Post #: 32

8/9/2008 10:23:50

Lux
Member

I didn't see any improvements that I could make. I read the rest of your poems, and they are good as well. I couldn't find anything, so I'm sorry. Someone else might be able to find something, but to me, it's nearly perfect. Great flow, power, and there's just *feeling* in your poems. So yes, I do like them a ton :).

AQW

Post #: 33

8/9/2008 15:59:08

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

It's ok. Hearing this appreciation of my poetry is both a great compliment and encouragement to continue. Thanks for taking the efford, and giving me your opinion. It is highly apprieciated.

AQ	Post #: 34

8/9/2008 17:17:41

Lux
Member

Just to let you know, I've accidentally been giving far too high ratings for APs/AAs. I still really like your poems, but these scores should be more accurate. Sorry for my mess up. I'm better rating WA members than Approved Poets/Authors.

The Pen:8 out of 10
Remorse no more:8 out of 10
The hourglass:8.5 out of 10

Thank you for your time :).

AQW

Post #: 35

8/26/2008 13:48:58

Elnaith
Member

Heya Gwoon,

One thing I noticed throughout your thread was progression, I personalyl like the later poems more, although that could be a style matter (Hourglass is too informal words of choice for me.) I really like your latest one.

One thing I noticed:

quote:

A palace stands tall
Where rich emperors once wondered about

Don't you mean wandered?

Your haiku one is a really nice idea, but I think 16 might be a bit of an overkill, shortening it a bit would have given more impact, atleast, to me.

All in all really nice poems, keep it up!

Post #: 36

8/26/2008 14:56:30

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Yes, yes I do mean wandered. Thank you.

Lol, Hourglass is my pride; my trophy poem. Well, I guess it's a matter of opinion.

I know it's a lot, but there's an idea to it, see:

1:Intro
2/15:The seven virtues and the seven sins, all mashed up to symbolise the doubt of infatuation.
Farfetched, I know, but I like it too much to remove now.
16:Outro.

If I get anymore complaints on length, I'll look into it more seriously. Thanks for your opinions, though.

AQ	Post #: 37

9/30/2008 5:10:15

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

YAY! A NEW POEM!

Bad news: It looks great in word, but I had some trouble coding it right, so it looks kinda crappy in here right now. Any help on that would be much apprieciated.

So, it's a shape poem about Rorschach from Watchmen, shaped as his mask might be shaped at times. The name comes from a chapter title in Watchmen, which, in turn, spawns from some the mind of William blake, to be exact in this context:

"Tyger, Tyger
burning bright,
In the forests
of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?"

AQ	Post #: 38

9/30/2008 10:27:44

Arthur The Brave One
Member

A note before I butcher your poem: try using white lines. I'll make an example with the first four, and I think it looks better... it's less obvious :) (Also, forgive the fact I don't use the exact composition... I didn't feel like editing in all those tags :P) Also, it's a hard style to critique, so bear with me, please...

Death
Despair

Any hope?

_____________________________What is_________________________________The use
_____________________________Of even_________________________________Asking that

These days?

I know
I am

A monster
Product of

__________________________Monstrosities_______________Of_________________This world

But perhaps
Only a freak

Could________________Save
This__________________Pit
Of___________________Rotten
[I don't like how you pulled apart the words here one-by-one, but that may just be a matter of style :/]

Sewage

______________I try_________________________________________________________________To smile
________________But this mask____________________________________________________Seems only to
____________________Allow for_______________________________________________A shallow
_______________________Broken________________________________________Meaningless
[Shallow broken meaningless? Bad grammar, or intended effect? If intended effect, you'll need some sort of punctuation, I'm afraid :/]

Grin
I try to smile, but know I shouldn’t
Grin

_____________________________Masked_____________________________________and hidden?
_________________________Masked___________________________________________omnipotence?
___________________Deep down______________________________________________________I know
____________I’m masked______________________________________________________________impotence
[Strong, especially in comparison to the rest of the poem. Good. :)]

Other than those two, pretty good. Of course you'd have to know who Rorschach is... And yes, I've read watchmen. But that was quite some time ago, and now I don't know how the plot went anymore. Meh, I'll just reread it ;)

Glad to see you making poetry again. I'm looking forward to your next work already! :)

/Arthur

Post #: 39

9/30/2008 11:17:50

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

True, you haven't read the book, you may not get a lot out of this poem.
So read it, peoples!

Anyway, for those people (shame on yourselves!) let me just explain the mask of Rorschach:

You know the Rorschach inkblot test? His mask is a white piece of cloth with some ink on it in a shape that reminds of the inkblots. However, this ink can rearrange itself on the mask as it pleases, sticking only to symetry as a rule.

About your other comments, A;

Not just a matter of style, but also of shaping the face more Rorschachy.

Not sure about white. I suppose I could use quote tags and then white to make them fade away completely...

Yep, intended effect.
And no, I won't grammarize it. I don't like having grammar here. So I don't use it. Call it abusing a language, call it an artistic quirck; but it's what I'll do.

Don't get your hopes up, buddy. I was like "boom" and there was a poem. It may have been a short interuption from my creative breakdown and have faded again now. Perhaps I'm just too lazy to write unless there'sa "boom"... Not sure.
(that sounded funny, knowing that boom is Dutch for tree...)

Thanks for checking it out!

AQ	Post #: 40

10/7/2008 6:23:45

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

I haven't read the book yet, because of the queue for it in the libraries.

Anyways, I went and read the poem and I feel it's entirely sensible even without having read the Watchmen.
I sense a similar pondering in the poem as has been recently portrayed by the new generation of Batman movies. Hiding behind a mask. Can a masked person be a hero? Turning into a freak (or a symbol as in Batman) to "control" the other freaks, etc.

If I interpret the poem as Roschach's face, the lines with 'Grin' come to approximately where I suppose his mouth and both rows of teeth are. I like the way the structure (i.e. words placed) supports the words there.

Without knowing the book, I think the poem depicts a person who's self-image seems to be shattered into tiny pieces all over the paper. If that's Roschach, or Roscach's view of how the society sees him, I can't tell.

It is undeniably an interesting poem. It required more concentrating to read from me than usual as the words were scattered all over. I'm not sure if they were too scattered and became almost a hindrance to get the message through.
Stimulated my brain cells, though. Which is a good thing...I think =P

DF	Post #: 41

11/11/2008 15:22:39

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Hi there people!

Whazzup?

Well, it's time for an announcement.

Due to school work, my lack of both inspiration and desire to write, and my desire to educate myself quitte drastically in the field of philosophy, I shall remain inactive for an extended period of time.

I'm doing ok, please don't take this as a reason for concern.

What this is basically is what I've been like on here for the last couple of months, but more official.

Thanks everyone who helped me in my writings! It has certainly not been wasted efford, and this is definitely not me quiting literary activities or the wonderful place that is L&L. However, when (and if) I shall return I do not yet know for sure, though I do like this place a lot and would like to be as active again one day as I was some time ago.

Goodbye, for now.

(All of my threads shall be closed indefinately. PM, if you wish, but fret not I beg of you)

AQ	Post #: 42

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