Firefly
Lore-ian
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Reading lastest poem before your avvy destroys me with cuteness overload...
All these opinions are mine only. Feel free to disagree. Also, I'm being so nitpicky that, even if a line is okay but I see another way that /might/ be better (or it might not be. Use your judgement, 'cause I dunno, lol), I'll point it out. Just offering options. Also, more on this in the end, but I loved it. ;)
quote:
Footsteps sound--
The crunching of grass
The rustle of leaves.
This is one of those times when I really don't know. I'm not sure if it's fine as is or if all the "the" and "of" are rather wordy (due to how short poetry is, unnecessary words can leave, imo). In other words, I'm not sure if you should leave it or if you should change the last two lines to something like "Crunching grass/Rustling leaves."
Also, just a thought, but maybe a colon fits more than a dash here. Maybe, since what after can be an elaboration, especially if you take my suggestion. I dunno.
quote:
A silent figure strides over the grass,
The repetition of saying "grass" again kinda stuck out at me. I suggest maybe changing to "field" or something.
Also, I don't think "over" fits with "grass" If you take the above suggestion, feel free to keep over. If you use grass, I think "across" is the more fitting preposition.
quote:
from a full moon
I think "the" fits better than "a" for an object such as the moon where, in the assumption that you're on earth, there is only one. It's just more powerful here, imo.
quote:
beneath the stars' unbiased judgment.
I normally wouldn't pick at stuff like this, but since you want me to go nitpicky... I don't favour stars' or any plural possessive in writing/poetry. The way it is said twirls my tongue around and doesn't flow the best it can. "unbiased judgement of the stars" definitely won't work. It's probably ten times worse. The only two suggestions I have left are: "beneath the stars with unbiased judgment." and "beneath the stars (optionally, you can put a comma after "stars") in unbiased judgment." But it's really not that broken, and my fixes might make it worse, so use your own thoughts here, lol.
quote:
I raise my arm and beckon
The crickets cease their cacophony of sound.
Meh, it's poetry, but I think they're really independent lines/sentences so you might need a comma/semicolon after "beckon"
quote:
Let my nocturne play up to the sky.
Hmm... I understand that the word "play" really fits here, but the "up" is kinda shoving the flow around. Plus, you say "up" again only a few lines later. If you can replace "play up" with a single, powerful word... I mean, play doesn't really work that well without the up. Perhaps "sail" "spiral" "drift" I dunno. Depends on what type of connotation you're trying to give. Btw, if you change, remember to change all refrains. I won't bother copy pasting all of them, lol.
quote:
an steady ostinato of chirps.
"an"? Got'cha! Typo, correct? "a"
quote:
colors of melody flow and ebb like the tide.
I don't like where you're placing the "the" here. It's probably just, but I think it fits better before "melody" rather than "tide." Or maybe get rid of the "the" altogether for balance. Or maybe "like ocean tide" or something. I dunno.
quote:
A percussive buzz cuts clear through the night
I really suggest you remove "clear" Adverbs/adjectives that are unnecessary are usually better removed, imo. "cuts" already gives a connotation of "clear" Plus, it seems to flow better without in my head.
quote:
And the moon illuminates my eyes.
I suggest you remove the "and" It's rather unnecessary and it's not helping the flow, imo.
quote:
They shine hazel
but with the spark of life
I don't know what is warranting the existence of the "but" Why shouldn't hazel be the spark of life? I'm a bit confused. Maybe you can take out the but so you don't confuse people like me, lol.
quote:
Fluidly,
I'd use a simple "Fluid." Still fits and gets rid of the -ly ness. (I dislike -ly adverbs, lol)
quote:
let it pull me to new words.
"worlds"? I think that fits more...
quote:
We embrace.
Something about this seems off and I can't think of a good fix. I know you use the short line for impact, but it didn't seem to fit in with the stanza. I suggest perhaps lengthening it, refering back to the earlier lines, or, well (really bold move), make this line its own stanza. That'll achieve a "bang" if it's what you want.
quote:
as the beats wash over me
as the rhythms dance down my spine.
This is not so much your fault as it is mine, but I (and, according to my observations, many others) am so used to reading the singular forms in times like this that your usage of the plural throws me off. Imo, the singular flows better and adds more power, like it's /the/ music, not any old music, if you get my drift. I suggest "beat washes" and "rhythm dances" but again, it might be simply because it's what readers are more comfortable with.
quote:
fades away to a slow fine.
My technical music knowledge is getting blurry, so can you explain what "fine" means in this case? Or maybe I'm just getting tired...
quote:
And then I bow
I honestly think it flows better without the "and" Another option is "I then bow" but that doesn't flow right either.
quote:
A lone firefly lights its lantern in the distance.
/me guffaws
Yay! I really liked this one, Versy. The imagery was /awesome/! And I liked how you made it first person without overusing unnecessary words like "I" Beautiful. Perfect ending. really enjoyed reading this fantastic work of written art.
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