demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!
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*glares at wiped USB* There goes the critique I had for you. <_< Ah, well. I'll just do it again! =P
...Uh... *forgets where is up to* I'll just do it again... from the start? =D
ReVisions
Prologue
1)quote:
Things about me that outstood the others, and still do, are my superior physical prowess, quick adaptations to situations, and… a power called “Vision”.
This strikes me as an aside, so instead of commas, I'd suggest using brackets or —. Also, instead of "quick adaptations", how about "my ability to adapt quickly to situations" or something? Otherwise, it's a bit of a mouthful. ;]
2)quote:
My Vision allows me to view anything in the past… as long as I look at the area wherein the desired past took place.
How about "event"? You already have "past" in that same sentence, that's all.
3)quote:
But then, one jealous, power-hungry, good-for-nothing, plastic, stupid– ah, you get the picture– guy had to kill him.
With those --s, it would be a good idea to use the long version without spaces. That's one you can nick if you want-> —
4)quote:
And no– she did not die.
Again, the longer ones look better and are more easily distinguished from hyphenated words such as x-ray.
5)quote:
She was recruited to join the army.
I don't think you need that part. "Recruited" already says that.
6)quote:
Our father was one of the greatest knights that served the king, but took a ‘temporary retirement’ when he met my mom.
I think "who" would fit better as he is a person, not an object.
7)quote:
Unfortunately, he was killed before the retirement ended.
I think "his" or "that" works better.
8)quote:
With a few companions, starting out with two, I set out to find that man, and kill him.
This I would also consider an aside, needing either brackets or —. But do we really need to know that bit at the moment?
9)quote:
Eventually, we met up with some others.
I assume this refers to the other companions that weren't those two? If so, the senetnce above might want to start as "Starting out with just two companions...", removing the reference to these guys mentioned here.
10)quote:
But I’m not the type that gets suspicious of others, especially if they claim and really act to be your friends.
You used this word in the previous sentence, and it's /usually/ considered bad grammar to start a sentence with "but" (there are always exceptions to the rule, though). How about condensing it to "I'm not the suspicious type, so I gladly welcomed them as friends." or something along those lines? Just a suggestion, of course.
*little break*
11)quote:
But then… as I got to hang out with them, I noticed that not only I experienced a tragic past.
Another sentence started with "but"? And how 'bout "that I was not the only one who had experienced..."?
12)quote:
Danielle, a close friend that I could relate with as a sibling, lost both her mother and her sister.
Another aside? And "had lost" might be more appropriate...
13)quote:
He became a close friend of mine quickly.
How about "He quickly became..."?
14)quote:
But after the same night I talked to and befriended him, he was killed.
Another "but"?!? Criiiiimmmmzzz... =P
15)quote:
With my mask known as Redemption, I became known to the public by that name.
That would better serve as an aside, too, imo. It helps distinguish that the /mask/ was already called that.
16)quote:
Some called us terrorists, but those who supported us called us heroes.
Why not replace the "some" with "Those who opposed us"? That way, you have both "supporters" and "opposers", instead of "some people" and "our supporters".
17)quote:
We saved victims of casualties and avoided as much bloodshed.
"Victims of casualties"? Casualties are dead... =/ And avoided "as much bloodshed" as what?
18)quote:
Eventually, I reunited with my sister.
"I was reunited"?
19)quote:
But sadly, she was a supporter of the man who killed our parents, and an enemy of Redemption.
Another "but"! What you tryin' to do to me, Crimz? =P How about, "Sadly, it turned out that..." "...and was an enemy..."?
20)quote:
But despite the loss of my friends, I met someone who could’ve been one.
*lower lip trembles* Also, the abbreviation (could've) isn't a good idea in this sentence, as it confuses. Either "could have" or "might have" would be a better choice in this instance.
*little break*
21)quote:
But… he attacked me when I was about to bring my blow on our enemy.
How about "however" instead of that "but"?
22)quote:
We both wanted to be the one who killed him, but his reason was because he only wanted revenge.
No need to elaborate.
23)quote:
But I also wanted to bring justice.
Apart from that BUT, this is where the line becomes a little hazy. Who is Ryan to say that "Requiem" didn't see it as serving the ends of justice, too? And as Ryan also wants revenge, they are still on the same level. You don't "need" to lift Ryan higher than "Requiem"--their behaviour as the story unfolds will do that for you.
24)quote:
But it really was greedy of me to act of the same reason as well.
No, not greedy. Frankly, you don't need to state what drove these two--it is obvious.
25)quote:
In the end of our battle, only one of us left.
"Only one of us left our final battle alive." ?
26)quote:
He could’ve been my friend, but I killed him.
The slang detracts from the gravity of the statement. "Could have".
27)quote:
I learned things that should’ve been part of history’s oblivion.
"Should've been left as part"?
28)quote:
But without it, I would’ve never felt like a hero despite all the pains and losses. Why does everyone around me keep on disappearing?
That last sentence, you really don't need. It seems out of place and repetitive because it has no ready tie to that paragraph. There are already enough repetitions to justify the name of the prologue, so let this one go.
29)quote:
My name is Ryan Kristen. And this is my story.
It's also generally considered bad practice to start a sentence with "and".
Overall, this prologue gives the reader a fairly good feel for the character, and the telling of events that happen in the book lets the reader decide if this is a book they want to read. At the same time, you've left enough questions unanswered to nudge the reader into reading further (eg. What is "Requiem"'s real name? Who are those characters--Danielle and Jhenine--and what are they like? Where did Ryan get the mask? Does he end up getting his revenge?).
Chapter 1
30)quote:
Lanceler stayed a few steps behind, but walked at a considerable pace.
31)quote:
Even from a distance, it could've been seen that they were students.
How about "it was easily apparent" or "it could be easily discerned"? That kind of abbreviation really belongs in speech.
32)quote:
Long black pants that reached down to their black leather shoes and a cream linen shirt covered by a black coat was their uniform.
How about "reaching"?
33)quote:
Like most of the prestigious schools, wearing a uniform was indeed a requirement; if one didn’t, he or she would be given a strict punishment, usually dealing in the likes of community service instead of attending classes
Do we really need to know this? Also, taking a student /out/ of class seems a strange manoever for a school, whose business would be to keep students /in/ class. Lunchtimes would be a more fitting punishment, methinks. It is your school, though.
34)quote:
The student would also be automatically marked with a zero on the quizzes and activities that took place on the particular day as an additional punishment.
That seems a trifle excessive, doesn't it? And do we really need to know this, either?  I already know /I/ won't be enrolling... =P
35)quote:
Since they were still wearing their uniforms and the day had just recently overcome the night, it was obvious that they were cutting classes.
No comma needed. And with such a punishment for not being in uniform, wouldn't there be an equally-excessive punishment for wagging?
36)quote:
But for some reason, each held an excavating tool and nothing else.
No need to say that.
37)quote:
The brunet, who lead the way, resting a large four-and-a-half-foot-long shovel's fulcrum on his shoulder.
It's hard to tell who you were referring to at a glance. Perhaps "Lanceler's brunet friend"?
38)quote:
Though 'Despite recent polishing, the blade was slightly rusted, and bore a large stain of blood on one side.
Hang on. In the previous sentence, you said it was clean and mentioned the rust. Perhaps you should only mention the bloodstain. (And blood can be easily got off metal, Crimz. Without leaving a stain--the polishing would have taken care of it.)
39)quote:
The wielder of this ‘weapon’ referred to that part as the blade, but nothing much to be feared.
What do you mean by this? And the edges /are/ called the blade of the shovel. =/
40)quote:
What he held reputed red as death, but not black enough as sin.
Huh? What are you saying here? Is it nessesary?
*little break*
41)quote:
He was followed by a blond, appearing to be just an inch taller than him.
You've already mentioned Lanceller by name. Referring to him as "a blond" is confusing.
42)quote:
“Are you sure about this?” the blond man asked.
Why the sudden anonymity? Lanceller is Lanceller, and we've already figured out that he's the blond one.
43)quote:
He heard not a single sound from his acquaintance.
Aquaintance is different than friend. You've now described Ryan as both. Might be better to just run with "friend" if they are friends.
44)quote:
While waiting for a response, he concentrated on their hike as he listened to the sound of water crashing from a nearby waterfall.
45)quote:
The brunet turned around and stared at his companion’s dark eyes.
At or into?
46)quote:
Seeing this, the blond expected his late reply.
No need for this sentence.
47)quote:
We can just say that we were late.
Erm... wouldn't the teachers know differently? Especially if this has happened before (as Lanceller says it has)?
48)quote:
Besides, Archeology Class is better done in the field than indoors,” he reasoned out with a small smile.
49)quote:
A small gust of wind followed, bringing with it fallen leaves, almost brown in color.
Pretty picture.
50)quote:
Keeping eye contact, his escort drew his pickaxe and held it with both hands.
I couldn't tell to whom you were referring. Please just say his name.
*little break*
51)quote:
It had seemed as if it had been used as a weapon before.
No need for this sentence--you're just stating the obvious.
52)quote:
You should know that there are millions of other people with the name ‘Lance’ that appreciate their names!”
53)quote:
The pair gave each other the cold treatment, and none of them dared to continue the conversation.
This is telling. Can you show us, instead?
54)quote:
A few minutes had passed, but time would not heal the scar on their friendship.
55)quote:
It was common for the two to argue, whether the feud was serious or not, keep quiet, and then pretend as if nothing had happened.
"Act as if..." or "pretend nothing had..." would be a better wording, methinks.
56)quote:
After all, how could two people holding a grudge at each other cut classes together so frequently?
This further shows that the teachers would know.
57)quote:
These two were already known for this kind of mischief.
How about "well-known"? It's obvious people already know they've been doing it.
58)quote:
Some others tried to follow but never had the guts to, while those who did usually dared not to go to locations as far as these two, and would usually just hit the mall.
This sentence seems too long and complicated. How about "None had the guts to follow them far--most would rather just hit the mall."?
59)quote:
If a school official were to ask the two where they were that day, they would reply with an unflawed alibi or with the truth which the official, of course, never believed as the things they did sounded too absurd.
Again, too long and complicated, and I suggest you break it up. Also, you've gone from talking about other waggers to talking about Lanceller and Ryan, so you need to distinguish that a bit more clearly (perhaps with another paragraph, as this one is a long one).
60)quote:
When they were asked what happened, they said that they had been kidnapped.
"For an explanation"? Also, keep the tense consistent.
*little break*
61)quote:
When they were further interrogated with questions about how they escaped, they replied that they had been rescued with the other children who had been set free.
62)quote:
The terrorists in charge of the crimes had been caught the same day.
Tense. It's a past event.
63)quote:
The two had everything as planned out.
64)quote:
Teachers, and even their classmates, would be stunned by the intricate details of the stories they would come up with.
That would be an aside, methinks.
65)quote:
They would map out the terrain, describe the people, and say other things that seemingly one would only know if he was there, while limiting any actual information, for it would easily be identified as made-up.
66)quote:
“Ryan, the other side is like a canyon, right?” Lanceler asked.
New paragraph, perhaps. The earlier part painted some nice imagery, and you don't want to detract from it with dialogue.
67)quote:
“Then should I mine on the walls or should I break down those hard rocks that pop up in the holes you dig?”
68)quote:
Ryan replied as he turned his head to look at Lanceler. Seeing that Lanceler made no response, Ryan turned his head back to face the path again.
Otherwise it sounds like he's looking at himself, which would be a tad weird...
69)quote:
But this was different; they had decided to unearth buried objects in the wilderness.
Past event = past tense.
70)quote:
They wanted to try something new, well, that was what they told each other but actually, the mine had become off-limits due to it becoming an active excavation area again.
Split in two sentences, methinks, after the underlined bit. Also, the underlined bit strikes me as an aside, so it needs one -- at the start of it.
*little break*
71)quote:
Upon reaching their destination, Ryan shouted out some enthusiastic words.
"Exuberantly", "with jubilation", "encouragingly"?
72)quote:
The other end of the tool was driven into the soil, giving it a firm posture.
73)quote:
"Hey, why are we even wearing these coats, anyway?"
74)quote:
The two removed their black attire, folded them crosswise, and placed them on their shoulders.
Probably not the safest location. It would interfere with their being able to dig, and would get dirty. Also, they would still make them hot. Hang 'em off the tree, maybe?
75)quote:
Ryan paused for a while.
In this case, it is two words.
76)quote:
“I'm surprised to hear you brag first this time.
Tense. Present.
77)quote:
Tell me, why is it?”
78)quote:
Sweat started to drip from his forehead once more.
It wouldn't have had time to start yet. =/ They only just started!
79)quote:
Of the two, Ryan always showed more interest in their activities.
80)quote:
Sometimes, Lanceler would question him, asking him if they were going too far, but Ryan’s recklessness couldn’t be stopped.
*little break*
(Sorry if I'm getting harsh, it's... *squints at clock* ...nope, I can't tell what time it is, it's that late.) =]
81)quote:
The sound the vibration produced by the shovel and by whatever it hit was similar to that of a ringing bell.
82)quote:
“No way,” Ryan exhaustedly argued.
No need. We know he's tired already.
83)quote:
While digging, his upper arm leaned on the perfect curve of his pickaxe with the spade-shaped bottom acting like a shovel.
We don't really need to know this. It sort of detracts from the excitment of the moment, y'know?
84)quote:
Ryan would tended to act all crazy and greedy when they hit something.
Past tense. Speaking of past events.
85)quote:
The two had dug two separate holes, each of them being worked in.
This entire paragraph doesn't need the italics. You haven't done them when recounting the story of how they wagged for 2 days; don't start now. Unless you're doing a "cut-scene" (for want of a better term... I'm tired), in which case the wording would have to reflect that.
86)quote:
But as of the present, nothing beats a pickaxe when it comes to his preference.
"he preferred a pickaxe." Yes, we already knew that from his bragging to Ryan. We don't really need this sentence.
87)quote:
The terrain was not too far from the town, just three kilometers by Lanceller's estimate.
That's still a fair way. How fast do humans walk, again? Well, assuming it takes about an hour to walk there, that's 2 hours they need, plus digging time (at least an hour)... They'll have missed half the school day.
88)quote:
“C’mon! Help me haul this thing!” Ryan persuaded.
"Urged" would be a better word, imo.
89)quote:
“But of course– I get most of it…”
A long --?
90)quote:
If it wasn’t for me, you'd be dead by now!”
Tense.
*little break*
91)quote:
Deciding to give in, he climbed out of his hole and approached Ryan’s.
92)quote:
“Are you sure that’s how it went?”
Is that part of the flashback? If not, it shouldn't be in italics.
93)quote:
“Yes,” Lanceler replied immediately.
Again, is that part of the memory?
94)quote:
He dragged his legs as he walked unmotivated.
We can see that he's unmotivated. Also, is it part of the memory?
95)quote:
A rusted piece of metal, with most of it earthed, burst, sending up a rain of black water.
That part would probably serve better as an aside. How about "most of it still buried"?
96)quote:
Lanceler, assuming what it was, took a few steps back, avoiding the spills.
"Realising", "suspecting" or "knowing" would be more likely. Is all this still part of the memory?
97)quote:
Ryan, on the other hand…
98)quote:
And in Lanceler’s vocabulary, the meaning of innocent besides ‘not guilty’ is ‘stupid’.
Starting with "and" isn't a good idea. How about, "To Lanceler, innocent could mean one of two things--'not guilty' or 'stupid'."?
99)quote:
“Grr…” Lanceler hit Ryan’s head with his palms.
How about "slapped"?
100)quote:
“Trust me, it ain’t. But you don’t wanna know what it is, either…
Perhaps describe the smell? I understood, but only after re-reading the passages a few times.
*little break*
101)quote:
Continuing to move from the east to the west, the sun scorched them as they made each scoop of dirt.
Technically, they didn't /make/ it. "Shifted" "lifted" "dug" "removed"?
102)quote:
Even the slight displacement caused their shade to turn obsolete.
Huh? What do you mean?
103)quote:
“Time sure is going fast,” said Ryan as he wiped some sweat with the black coat on his shoulder.
This depends on whether or not you took the above suggestion of where to put the coats.
104)quote:
The expression of blankly looking at space with either of his hands or head slightly shaking was already considered panic for him.
No need for this. We've already picked it up by Ryan's observation.
105)quote:
“We can–” Ryan stressed out his last word as he lifted a heavy scoop from the hole,
106)quote:
A large stone pillar with unreadable inscriptions was left half-buried at the bottom.
? Assuming that's where it was, of course.
107)quote:
We won’t be going to school today– not at this rate.
A long --?
108)quote:
Each of the two struck the pillar, giving it a dent for them to hold on to.
Being stone, "chipping a dent" would be a more believable option.
109)quote:
But before they hauled it up, Lanceler unearthed it some more, allowing it to be pulled out with ease.
No buts! >=[ (lol) "Lanceler unearthed it some more before they..."?
110)quote:
Releasing the stress with a “whew”, the two lifted it, and then Ryan thrust it to the side of the hole as he waited for Lanceler to squeeze himself under it and push it from the bottom with his palms.
Now I'm going to sleep, whether I need it or not. ^________^
...And I'm back. Miss me? =P Now, we continue.
111)quote:
“‘Worry about it later?’ Easy for you to say,” replied the blond.
No real need to put ' in there, since it's speech.
112)quote:
The force he exerted on carrying the weight caused him to stress out each word as well.
How about "The force he exerted to carry the weight also caused him to stress his words."?
113)quote:
How would you feel if you lost your right to do something you always wanted to?”
114)quote:
Blood rushed into his head, amplifying his anger.
Whose? Should say it here.
115)quote:
Trying to mask his annoyed and troubled emotions, Ryan gave his companion a small smirk.
You started the previous sentence with "trying". How about "battling" or "in an effort"?
116)quote:
Hmm… maybe I should remove the rust, Lanceler said to himself.
117)quote:
His exhausted lips started to thirst, but despite it, he chose to quench his thirst later.
No need. As he doesn't actually /do/ anything to make the reader think he's having a drink, it's enough to say that he is thirsty.
quote:
Besides, only the worthy have the right to brag.”
Lol.
118)quote:
He examined it as he bent his legs to match down to its height.
The order seems a little strange. Wouldn't he bend first, then examine it closely?
119)quote:
He tried to, and succeeded for a while.
In this case, it is two words.
120)quote:
That shovel of yours is sharp, y'know?
Seeing how all the other "you know"s are abbreviated, you might have wanted this one done so as well. I'm not sure, which is why I'm pointing it out.
*little break*
121)quote:
Breaking the stillness, Lanceler said, “Junk, eh?
Need comma.
122)quote:
Unfortunately for the two, they failed to realize the importance of ‘useless’ but ancient artifacts that can bring the past of Magnagon closer to the present.
Don't really need to know all that. We know that they don't think it is important, but that it is. =]
123)quote:
“Nothing,” his friend finished off, seeming as if he pretended to have already forgotten about their conflict.
What conflict? Trying to figure out the significance of an object isn't a conflict--they didn't fight over it.
124)quote:
“I just wish that I had a vision of this happening…”
Why? That's a really random thing to say, out of the blue like that. I suggest you give a hint of his reasoning... "All that wasted effort! I just wish I'd had a vision of this beforehand..." ?
125)quote:
The ominous voice sounded to be from a woman.
"Sounded to be that of a woman" or "seemed to belong to a woman" or "was that of a woman"?
126)quote:
The grin on his face, accompanied by a little forced laughter, on his face dissolved to a dropped jaw as his head turned.
Better to keep it all together.
127)quote:
Each square, however, did not contain a color; it had odd symbols, possibly to form an alphabet or perhaps a picture.
Not the most choice of words. How about "was decorated with"?
128)quote:
He arranged the cube through impulse for an hour, or so he thought as time itself had stopped.
If you treated that as an aside, and split that sentence after it, I think it would work better. "It was hard to tell, since time itself had stopped." ?
129)quote:
He was about to give up… but remembered what was promised by solving this almost unsolvable puzzle– the power to make his wish come true.
The first one, I'd suggest "then" or "but then". The second one, "if he solved" might work better. Also, a long --, and perhaps "wishes".
130)quote:
But somehow, his instincts told him that this wish was about avenging his parents.
We already figured that. Also, he would have this wish in the foremost of his mind, so he doesn't need his instincts to tell him that.
*little break*
131)quote:
A vision of the original form of the cube flashed through his mind.
This could be better served as a separate paragraph, methinks.
132)quote:
“All right, I can do this.”
This, too.
133)quote:
The young man rubbed his head and concentrated.
This, too.
134)quote:
Many alternating twists were done on the columns and sides.
?
135)quote:
After twenty minutes, Ryan deactivated his Vision and wiped the perspiration from his hands on his uniform.
A new paragraph? It further shows time passing, that's all.
136)quote:
Ryan’s eyes subsequently became heavy.
"Eyelids"?
137)quote:
His body dropped to the ground; he was unconscious.
138)quote:
As he got up, he sensed that he was carrying a necklace with a yellow stone, colored to match the hue of his left eye when his Vision was activated.
He could just have felt the necklace now, and could examine it later, to find out the colour. It doesn't really make much sense to "sense" it...
139)quote:
Lanceler was curious to find out what had happened to the artifact, but had forgotten about it as his friend had reached a critical state.
Why not say "when his friend collapsed."?
140)quote:
What further sent the topic away from him was Ryan’s strange behavior.
No real need. We know that Ryan is acting strangely in Lanceler's eyes, and he hasn't pursued the subject.
*little break*
141)quote:
Fortunately, Lanceler kept hold of the remains which were dented off by their gear.
What do you mean? The remains of what? And what was that about their gear?
142)quote:
Lanceler acted calm, pretending to be unaware of Ryan’s eye.
I suggest swapping those two over. "Lanceler pretended to be calm, ignoring Ryan's eye." or "trying to ignore Ryan's eye."?
143)quote:
The two decided to wear their black coats to help tolerate the low temperature, and so they did.
I'd suggest "don". It means (in case you aren't familiar with this word; if you are, ignore this) to put on. A little more classy than "wear".
144)quote:
Instead, it was the natural, grassy ground.
"was naturally grassy ground"? The compacted soil would probably be natural for that area, too, don't forget. ;]
quote:
The darkness of sundown combined with the bright celestial bodies was more appreciated.
*applauds* Brilliant imagery.
145)quote:
Again, one of them would just start to talk after the cold silence left by the aftermath of an argument.
No need for this sentence. We can already see it's happening.
146)quote:
“Just a few more—if you’re comparing steps to the points in a video game.
No need for the space if you have a long --.
147)quote:
If it wasn't for the cold wind, Ryan would've shivered in fear.
Why not? Those two types of cold are completely different.
148)quote:
“I don’t know… but playing dead is a bad idea.
Actually, it's a very good idea. =/ It won't hurt to do a little bit of research on the animal in question, too.
http://www.joyofcamping.com/camping-tips/safety/bear-attack/
http://www.angelfire.com/ia3/camping2/avoidbears.htm
149)quote:
“But my pickaxe could use another workout.”
No comma.
150)quote:
In pain, the bear gave out a loud roar.
*little break*
151)quote:
Trying to outdo Lanceler with a stunt, the brunet took a few steps back to avoiding the blow, then charged towards the beast and took a huge leap.
Careful that the events are kept clear...
152)quote:
Our powers work differently, though.”
Need comma.
153)quote:
After staring at empty space as he talked, he focused on the beast.
I'd suggest "spoke".
154)quote:
Suweat!
"Sweet!" would be the word. If you want it to sound different, break up the syllables with - "Suh-weet!"
155)quote:
Though when my power is activated, I can only think and see at forty times faster than the greatest athlete's and genius’ capacity–– Now go!”
One long -- should suffice.
156)quote:
His clothes barely touched the nails of the ferocious beast as it unleashed a barrage of continuous slashes.
"Claws" sounds more fierce...
157)quote:
Feeling more curious about Lanceler’s prowess, he asked, “So… you just have a slow perception of time?”
Uh... it sounds like the /bear/ said that. might want to specify who is talking.
158)quote:
Getting up and staring at the crippled beast that had caused them to nearly lose their lives, Ryan said, “Let’s finish it!”
Uh... he just whacked it on the leg. It's not crippled. =/ You haven't described any injury, either...
159)quote:
With pity, he slowly approached the beast and pierced its back with the tip of his pickaxe.
You've already used "beast" a lot--including in the previous sentence. I suggest using "bear" to break it up a little.
160)quote:
In effect, the bear's arms which struggled with such pitiful movements landed on the ground.
Just need to tell us what happened. We know that is the effect.
*little break for DINNAAAAR!* =P
161)quote:
That, or other carnivores will feast upon it.”
Need comma.
162)quote:
The blond rested his tool’s hinge on his back as he walked away.
Hinge? Perhaps not the right word...
163)quote:
He realized that his question may have sounded stupid and was in fact inhuman.
Methinks this may be a case of different values, but I think he's right about killing it as opposed to leaving it crippled. Actually, having pierced its spine just so, it would have lost the ability to breathe and keep its heart beating. Theoretically, it would be dead already. =/
164)quote:
Breaking the solemn moment, Lanceler asked, “We’re headed to your place, ‘kay?”
That's not really asking. That's informing, telling or deciding.
165)quote:
A bit fear struck Lanceler, and he tried his best to calm Ryan down.
166)quote:
“Think about what you’ll do next later.
It muddles the sentence to have those two words together like that.
167)quote:
Impressed and a little bit envious with Ryan’s Vision, he raised his open palm.
You used "Lanceler" in the previous sentence. A simple "he" will do, now.
168)quote:
After their conversation with a high-five, the rest of the trip became silent.
How about, "He ended their conversation with a high-five, and they journeyed the rest of the way in silence." ?
Overall, this chapter contained some nice description and imagery, but I would ask that you make sure you aren't stating the obvious. Let the characters' words and actions speak for themselves, as they will speak louder than telling. =]
Chapter 2
169)quote:
There wasn’t much though.
How about "There wasn't much to see, though."?
170)quote:
There stood a few trees, about two in every corner of the street.
I'd suggest not starting this sentence with "there", as there are several in this paragraph that do. "A pair of trees stood at every street corner." ?
171)quote:
The roads were made of cement while the sidewalk was tiled with red and yellow of the same size.
Red and yellow what? I assume tiles, but I think you should describe this a bit more clearly.
172)quote:
To make things interesting, the two tried doing stunts like pivoting their bodies with their arms on vendors’ stalls and benches as they lifted their legs to the other side.
173)quote:
A brunette, who was nearly the same height as the Ryan, leaned on a lamp pole.
As the Ryan, eh? ;P
174)quote:
She was wearing a checkered skirt of dark green and red, and a blue blazer over the top of a white shirt.
It sounded disjointed.
175)quote:
She appeared to have red eyes although they were just contacts.
To avoid the repetition of starting with "she", how about "Her eyes appeared to be red, although Ryan knew they were just contacts." ?
176)quote:
She also wore a small, fiery red gem around her neck to embellish her appearance.
Sounds like a large gem with a hole in it for her head. =/ Perhaps "gem hung on a silver/gold necklace around her neck" ?
177)quote:
The expressions on her face and the words that could have been read indicated that she was struggling to prove something.
How about "passed her lips" ?
178)quote:
It would have been embarrassing on her part if any passers-by were to see what was going on.
The tense doesn't seem quite right. "She would have been dreadfully embarrassed if anyone had witnessed what was going on." ? Actually, do we really need this sentence? it would be better to show her embarrassment in her actions...
179)quote:
“A katana was found piercing her heart.
"Pierced through" might be more accurate, but what you have is fine, too.
180)quote:
The FBI agent folded her arms and spoke with a confident voice.
I suggest breaking it up. "her arms. Her voice was filled with confidence." ?
*little break*
181)quote:
the brunette interrupted as she straightened her standing position.
182)quote:
Cutting off her words, the officer shut her mouth with her left palm, and then spoke.
It sounds like the officer is shutting her own mouth. =/ "The officer closed the girl's mouth with her left palm, cutting off her words." ? You don't really need to say it is her speaking, then, either.
183)quote:
All the evidence at the crime scene leads to you: a grudge at your mom after an argument a few weeks ago, and your fingerprints.”
184)quote:
I can’t prove anything,” Danielle sobbed.
Otherwise, it is still the officer talking.
185)quote:
“Your power… we can use it to save your friend,” he whispered back. “And please focus, that white box can wait.”
I'd suggest splitting sentences there, as it doesn't seem to be a continuation. The underlined bit could be joined with a long --, as the second half is more of an aside.
186)quote:
Facing the grownup woman, he said,
187)quote:
I’m really good at finding and analyzing clues.
188)quote:
Upon reading the letter he had received and scanning through the words, Ryan said, “My uncle is giving me the option to live with him.
Same thing. =/
189)quote:
Offers such as these gave Ryan a reason to think if his relatives just wanted his wealth.
"Wonder" or "suspect" might be more descriptive.
190)quote:
The key to the said box was attached to a keychain mirror which Ryan had attached to his belt strap.
*little break*
191)quote:
He followed Lanceler as he entered the door.
You used "Ryan" in the previous sentence.
192)quote:
“You’re always up to no good.
New paragraph, methinks.
193)quote:
“Ryan, don’t you think it’s strange for the FBI to know that much?
New paragraph.
194)quote:
There was no reply though. Ryan couldn’t hear the present once his Vision went active.
How about "He didn't receive a reply--Ryan could hear only the past." ? That would effectively condense three sentences into one simpler one.
195)quote:
A brown-haired at around her late 30s was sound asleep.
A brown-haired what?
196)quote:
The murderer knew of this because there was no scream, but she continued her onslaught.
How about, "There was no scream, yet the murderer continued her onslaught, ignoring the fact that her victim was dead." ?
197)quote:
“What did you see?”
Since it's obvious it's over.
198)quote:
But then, I wonder why it was only a plain murder.
The previous sentence started with "but". And he's sounding very calm to have just witnessed that event... He sounds very cold.
199)quote:
She didn’t steal anything like that crystal glass ornament, and didn't open the closet.
200)quote:
Those clothes would’ve looked good on her, I think,” replied Ryan.
Yeah, that sounds like a /very/ out of place thing to say.
*little break*
201)quote:
The two returned to Ryan’s neighbor, outside.
Need to make the transition more obvious.
202)quote:
Ryan and Lanceler were known for cutting classes, but never were they seen in town.
Don't need this sentence; we already know this.
203)quote:
People who never trusted them believed that they always wandered off to the forest.
Don't need this one, either. We already know that, too.
204)quote:
But even with their reputation, Lanceler was shocked that a woman he had never met knew him so well.
205)quote:
And don’t even bother of getting a lawyer; you’d just be a waste of our time.”
206)quote:
After those words, she turned her back and slowly left the three to despair.
Otherwise, it sounds as if she is the one despairing.
207)quote:
Lanceler spoke in his head.
Just "Lanceler thought" would be enough. This sounds a little awkward.
208)quote:
Annoying the three with a smile, the officer turned her head as Lanceler watched her shrink into the distance.
Hard to tell whether you meant Pheona or Danielle.
209)quote:
The officer opened her mouth, almost saying something, but ended up saying nothing.
Opening her mouth was a response, you see?
210)quote:
If she used the fingerprints as her main piece of evidence in court, Danielle’s defendant, who would most likely be Ryan, could just say that she was framed.
That is more an aside. --s
*little break*
211)quote:
Before he could grab her hand, she ran into her house, banging the door closed but unlocked.
You didn't say she locked it, so we can assume it is unlocked.
212)quote:
Strange… I wonder why she’s trying to make Danielle look bad
Before this, you need to show that the viewpoint has changed back to the boys outside. "Outside, Lanceler and Ryan exchanged glances." for example. Otherwise, the change is too abrupt and we don't know who is talking/thinking/etc.
213)quote:
As Ryan crossed him, heading back to his house, Lanceler turned around and followed.
"Crossed past" "crossed in front of" "crossed behind" ? Otherwise, it could mean a betrayal.
214)quote:
By visiting the town of Ashfall, a town by in the outskirts of this region, and throwing money he earned from his past business, he made residents feel that the government cares for them, regardless of where they are.
Removing repetition of "town", and you want a specific target audience, not a generic "them".
215)quote:
Ryan grabbed the remote from a nearby table and hardly pressed the off button.
Do you mean "lightly touched" or "jammed his thumb down on"?
216)quote:
A small grin occupied his face after he heard the not-well-delivered yet informative report.
"Badly-delivered" is simpler.
217)quote:
“How could’ve I forgotten what happened?!
In full language, that would read "How could have I forgotten". It should be "How could I have forgotten".
218)quote:
Lanceler remained silent and turned the television on.
New paragraph. otherwise, it looks like Lanceler said it.
219)quote:
“Turn that dang thing off!” shouted Ryan.
Again, another paragraph.
220)quote:
Starting to get pissed, Lanceler fought back.
Charming.  Could we try for a less slang-laden alternative, though? "Irked, Lanceler" "Annoyed by Ryan's behaviour, Lanceler" "Incensed at being ordered around, Lanceler" ?
...And that's the end of today's additions. Happy Easter, Crimz. ;]
< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 4/11/2009 8:37:30 >
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