A Splash From The Soul ~ Comments


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7/22/2008 13:11:22

brotherbeast
Member

Be gentile... I bruise easy
my work can be found HERE
Enjoy, talk... and remember... ... ...
ummm, well I forget, just check it out

Post #: 1

7/22/2008 13:38:13

Firefly
Lore-ian

Hmm, I like them very much. Great imagery, flow, and powerful emotions. You seem to be forcing the rhyme a bit at times, but it's overall very good.

Just a few suggestions. I didn't read to critique, but I couldn't help noticing a few things.

Firstly, do you capitalize each line or not? It's generally accepted to either capitalize the first word of each line or to simply capitalize after every period. You seem to be doing the former, but there are quite a few lines not capitalized:

quote:

and Angels sing,
of mournful things,

quote:

never ending....never full.

Better to capitalize for consistency...

Also:

quote:

Trap for an eternity within the darkness,

Shouldn't that be "trapped" since you're using it as an adjective?

quote:

Thought Of the Day (My Promise)

Technically, "of" shouldn't be capitalized in titles.

Hope that helped. ^_^

_____________________________

Post #: 2

7/22/2008 14:21:26

brotherbeast
Member

As far as capitalization, I kinda relied on Word a bit too much here (and paid the price). I do prefer to capitalize every line, and If I don't it is a clear pattern that flows, usually in a ABAB format.
You're right on the use of trap/trapped in the poem.

Now when you said that I seem to be forcing the rhyme at times, could point out where you saw that? Please.
(like you did with the other parts).

Post #: 3

7/22/2008 15:00:47

Firefly
Lore-ian

It was mainly in the last poem. Might've happened in the others, but I can't remember too well. For example:

quote:

A trance that is like a train.

How on earth is a trance like a train? Sounds like you're using that word only to rhyme.

quote:

You make my heart soar to a greater extent.

This wasn't quite as severe as the above line, but it still reads weirdly. Perhaps: "You make my heart soar without end." or something.

quote:

Now this, in all honesty, may sound like a load of bull.

A rather different problem, but using a semi-swear word did kind ruin the grace of the poem. Might be better to find something that rhymes better and sounds more elegant.

quote:

I will always love you, even if everything seems tart.

Eh, this is rather forced rhyming again. Not the best ending. Perhaps: "I will always love you, 'til death do us apart." or "I will always love you, in death do we part. " A bit cliche, esp. the first suggestion, but better than something about tarts anyways... =P

Yeah, so that's what I meant.

My Word is kinda weird. On this computer, it does nothing. On my other computer, it forces me to capitalize every line of poetry regardless of whether I want to. I usually do, but sometimes I don't while doing freeverse.

Post #: 4

7/22/2008 15:26:11

brotherbeast
Member

for the trance/train thing think of it more like a train, where it cannot be changed from it's course.
for the "semi-swear" I meant to change it cuz I didn't know if it was counted as profanity here or not... I just forgot.

quote:

Now this, in all honesty, may sound a bit doubtful.

this is what I should've posted instead.
The last one was hard for me to finish up as I didn't want to be, like you mentioned, too cliche. I guess it was a bit forced. I'll try to keep an eye on that in the future. thx.

< Message edited by brotherbeast -- 7/22/2008 15:30:48 >

Post #: 5

7/22/2008 15:39:52

Firefly
Lore-ian

Cliche > tarts, imo. =P

Hmm: "I will always love you, through all that we embark" Still slightly forced, but less so and less cliche.

Yeah, the doubtful is better. It's a better rhyme anyways.

Bull isn't too excessive for PG-13 unless it's used every second line. I just thought it didn't sound too good anyways.

Post #: 6

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