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The Lyrics Unlock the Mind - Comments

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8/24/2008 3:02:40   
_Depression
Member



I have recently decided to, with the inspiration of a single song per story, write a series of short stories of varying styles and genres.

Story One: The World's Greatest - R. Kelly
I first heard this song on YouTube, and the song seemed to have touched something in me. The story I wrote from the song, a quasi-inspirational fiction story, is my first piece of writing done while listening to one song. For those who have seen the music video, the boxing theme is obvious, but I like to believe that the bulk of the tale is from my imagination.
On another note, this is one of the first short stories I actually considered fit for posting on these - or any - forums. I personally do not see myself as a very good short story writer, because I don't want to end the story, and the result is a shoddy, rushed conclusion to a story I deem decent otherwise.

Enjoy, and don't forget to comment!

< Message edited by _Depression -- 8/24/2008 3:04:26 >
AQ  Post #: 1
8/24/2008 4:42:24   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Yay! *claims first post*

quote:

Those smart enough to give him room stepped as far to the side as possible, while those who were not found themselves face-to-face with a man possessed.

I believe the part after the comma is pretty incorrect. Yep, pretty much incorrect :P
EDIT: oops... this doesn't have to be incorrect, or so I just noticed. It just takes a /very/ carefull read :P

quote:

With the story already partially written in her head, the blonde sat in her metal folding chair

Wait, now she's suddenly blond instead of brunette? I think either of the two is a little typo :)

Couldn't find any other mistakes. Good though, /very/ good. Or at least, that's what I think. Still, good job!

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 9/20/2008 16:57:42 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
9/8/2008 18:26:11   
mastin2
Member

Heh, I let ATDO get that first comment because I was too lazy to comment.

Well...anyway, now for my Comma Critique!

quote:

He scrunched his nose as a foul smell wafted through the air, and nearly gagged.
drop the comma after 'air'. It slows things down unnecessarily.

quote:

"What exactly are you planning to do?"

"I'm going to fix everything!" the King exclaimed, overjoyed to find someone interested in his cause. "This whole world! I'll fix it all!"
From this point on, you use "". Be consistent. You don't want me pointing out every instance of this, do you?!? :P

quote:

Arianna filled half of her notepad during her interview, and at the end of the day offered to buy Anderson dinner.
I'd put a comma after 'day'.

quote:

Again he became a joke, and to most, his plan was little more than a sarcastic line to tell friends.
You might want to put a comma after 'and'.

quote:

Inside the box, dusty but undisturbed, were a single, half-used bar of soap; an empty bottle of window cleaner, and a hair brush.
this semicolon should be a comma.


Well, that's it. You're better than you think. I share your view on short stories (impossible to end 'em well), but you manage to do a much better job at it! :)

-M

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 9/8/2008 18:43:50 >
Post #: 3
9/20/2008 15:29:53   
_Depression
Member

AtBO, I'm not sure whether she was supposed to be blonde or brunette... hmm... xD wow, that's a bit of a problem.

Mastin, you like pointing out the difference between the curved (") and the uncurved ("), don't you? lol

Thanks to both of you, and the second story (Real - Goo Goo Dolls) is in progress now. =)
AQ  Post #: 4
9/22/2008 16:58:35   
mastin2
Member

Yup. I like consistency. (So what if I once had the problem before? That's why I point it out! :P)

Ready and waiting.
Post #: 5
7/29/2009 8:18:33   
liangwarrior
Member

i like this story
it is very good lstening
it make us see good things
woah nice
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
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