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Eroica [Comments]

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12/7/2008 1:54:04   
_Depression
Member


This tale is going to be more of a strict fantasy than a realistic fantasy like Author's Fantasy; it takes place in the mid-19th century, on Earth, but with a few historical differences that will be clarified as the story progresses. Much of the story's plot will involve the idea of a quest, similar to many RPG franchises (Final Fantasy, Tales of Symphonia...), but I hope I can introduce my own flair to the admittedly cliche style.

I... would like to ask one thing of the reader, however. I ask that the reader, when he or she has finished whatever chapter he or she is reading, please post some sort of comment about it. It can be something you liked about the chapter, or something you didn't like; it can be a quote, or a scene, or even just a bit of description that you thought was really well done. But I really would like to emphasize that the reader post something. Most of what I have accomplished in terms of improving has been due to comments as simple as, "I liked the part where ________ because __________."

Thank you in advance, and I hope you enjoy reading.

=)

< Message edited by _Depression -- 12/7/2008 2:10:23 >
AQ  Post #: 1
12/7/2008 1:59:48   
_Depression
Member

The Prologue is up.

=)
AQ  Post #: 2
12/7/2008 3:29:31   
Crimzon5
Member

"I liked the first 3 paragraphs because well, the repitition of their situation was good, and I could really see the burden in the persona's emotions."

a few corrections:
quote:

torn from our bedsheets

That's 2 words

quote:

but I tell myself a fairy tale

It's one word

quote:

No, not a river, more a small brook.

After the word 'more' I /suggest/ adding the word 'like' or 'of'. Just a suggestion.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 3
12/7/2008 10:33:41   
_Depression
Member

Thank you, Crimzon! ^.^

I always thought bedsheets was one word... it seems I've been mistaken. Thanks for pointing it out. And the same for fairy tale...

I'll take your suggestion for the last one, I think it'll be easier to read with "like".

And again, thanks. =)
AQ  Post #: 4
12/13/2008 22:55:19   
Alixander Fey
Member

Okay I really wanna know about the title. =P

Two things: baby Erica, baby Erica, baby Erica. Can she just be Erica?

Also, the stones were very vague. Was there one in the man? I thought there was at one point. You need to be very distinct about the stones because they obviously matter

Besides that, WOW! I could feel the tension and the fear and I'm really interested in this story. This is great. I'll be following you here my friend.

_____________________________
DF  Post #: 5
12/13/2008 23:01:38   
_Depression
Member

'Baby Erica' is just the way the mother refers to her child. It's basically the same as a nickname.

There is a stone in the giant - in his palm:
quote:

my eyes flashing from his bald head to the smooth stone embedded in his outstretched palm,


And thanks! I'm trying to get Chapter One done by Wednesday, because after that I'll be taking a 5-day hiatus from the internet while I study for exams.

=)
AQ  Post #: 6
12/13/2008 23:09:26   
Alixander Fey
Member

School over internet? What a loser. =P JK.
DF  Post #: 7
12/13/2008 23:11:03   
_Depression
Member

I know... lol. But it's my last year in secondary school (high school), so I want to leave on a good note (God knows I didn't come in on one).

=)
AQ  Post #: 8
12/13/2008 23:12:23   
Alixander Fey
Member

Yay for being a senior! I'm actually doing the same thing, lol. So far I have all As. =P
DF  Post #: 9
12/13/2008 23:15:43   
_Depression
Member

I have a B in History and Religion, but that's to be expected. History hates me, and Religion class is pretty much based on the three tests we took on the idea of the Christian Existence, some of which I don't agree with and am therefore unable to pass.

=/
AQ  Post #: 10
12/13/2008 23:18:48   
Alixander Fey
Member

Lol. Nice. I disagree with some of the stuff in my Bible class, if that's any consolation. But nothing we're actually tested over so A+ for me. =P
DF  Post #: 11
12/13/2008 23:20:35   
_Depression
Member

Luckily for me, the stuff we're doing now in class, the Enneagram, is going to be most of the exam, so if I do well enough I'll bump myself back up to an A.
AQ  Post #: 12
12/20/2008 1:03:25   
_Depression
Member

Chapter One released. Hope you all like. =)
AQ  Post #: 13
12/21/2008 0:46:53   
Richie
Member

I didn't get it. Why was the argument going on? Who are all these people? What color was the fit-it? What was up with half of the whole chapter being a present opening encounter? I'm sorry for all these questions, but I want answers.
DF  Post #: 14
12/21/2008 1:26:14   
_Depression
Member

The argument is going on because Erica went into town without Cephas. The people are Erica, Ausra (Erica's mother and the narrator of the prologue), and Cephas (the giant who helped Ausra in the prologue). "fit-it"? The present-opening was supposed to help flesh out the characters a bit more, and their way of life. The first gift was a bit of a throwaway, but the clothing and jewelery, and the mysterious present in the gold box, are much more important.

More on the presents:
spoiler:

The clothes helped to show that Erica isn't exactly being brought up in a normal world, and they help give us a little background for the giants (the swastika). The jewelery is a bit of a shrug-off for now, but they'll be given importance in the next chapter. And the gold box's gift is going to be doubly important in the next chapter.
AQ  Post #: 15
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